"His palms are sweaty"
"Knees weak, arms heavy"
"Had a dream I was king, woke up still king"
Just these few quotes kept me away from losing everything
Thank you Marshall
You my hero
I always was a huge fan
Like y'all don't understand
Him and I relate
I'd a done whatever it had to take
Watched my world break
Because some ***** decided to be fake
I'm a hit up the club
Maybe go to a after party
Cellphone off
Music load
**** dod i bring a charger
**** it I've got a spare in a toolbox
Just no charge block
Quick screens shut off
I'm ready
No ***** but my sweater ready
Rule the kingdom
I know i can be random
**** a beat
I just need a pen and blank sheet
Wrote down my own vibes
About to be revived

Wanted to feel welcomed by everybody
Hard because I trust nobody
Calmed down lately
Not as angry
But I get up in someone's face
Let them know they had a choice
Not afraid to raise my voice
***** that lowkey conversation behind my back
I'm a hit them up for a backtrack
I know they wouldn't like that
They wanna spotlight
I'll give them the sun
Then say some **** till they're done
Just know all you had to do was talk to me
We could of redirected everything
Hope you know what you're doing

Like crazy
You're one tough lady
Been crossing my dreams lately
You're beautiful baby
What? do you admire me?
What's this about in this reality
Am I dreaming?
Wake up!
Yeah, ***** real
What's up beautiful?
How you doing?
I'm a hit up the backroads
Jam out to my stero
Wanna join? I've got no cruise control.
But you're cruising on my mind
Hey, want to hit up fast food?
Don't need fancy ****
You know it
But I am full of surprises
Hope you like the club
I'm a dress you up
Possibly take you out for a walk
Hmm call me sweetheart we'll talk

I will always cherish the smile you give me.
You've got it all and a ton of beauty.
My daydream cutie.
so call my cell phone baby,
talk to me endlessly
you're amazing
I've got a huge crush on you
made me lose myself in your greenish blue eyes
dark hair and smile that lit up the town
about to light up my world
crazy that we met at the bar
best smile by far
I can treat you right
won't you let me see you tonight?
c;

Sick of the subliminal hints
Sick of being the ugly man
No girl will understand
"You're friends cute"
Oh, not again
Need a beer open
I shouldn't have to interrogate
All that **** to take someone on a date
But **** it whats the harm
I can give you a list and you'll understand why my heart ain't warm
I'm in edge, ******* hardly sleeping
Who will take me apart next?
Never was happy because I'm down six feet deep
******* be killing my love
And my ******* was the only one that showed up at my own wake

I care about making the pain in your eyes disappear.
I get... I ******* up, I get I messed with love.
But many mistakes ago I took this road. I realize nothings ever to late, but the moment that stuck an emotion. That's all that was. It was amazing to watch that moment leave and then for a single second, I knew that a new start will be what's next. what's going to happen is what's going to happen. My efforts to that fact is what makes it happen. Please understand that man you knew is gone and please don't see me as that man. I get it, that's the last you herd of me. As that man. But I know who I am now and I know what to achieve. I fixed most of what was broken in my path. The things that didn't get repaired are your choice. Accept the new man I created or stay gone and see that pain that was once caused. Please understand I am an independent man who will always do the best and I am a great listener and a great at taking risks to make it right for the purpose of the moment or future moments. Please understand the missed calls and the attention of pain was demanded to be felt for a reason then soon became a messy cause. I learned to be sorry and I learned to forgive. But more importantly I learned being afraid of seeing each other as what happened in the past should not remain that way. Please understand that it hurts a lot but I'm not mad. Not sad, but I'm also not happy. But i will be fine. Nothing in my ever stays mine. I'm just the kid that always had temporary pass me downs.
How is it that.... love isn't love because no one ever ******* truly loves or loved me. Not ex's, not friends, not my family, no one gave a flaming ******* **** when I was homeless countless times. Lost love, lost hope. Everyone is happy and talking about marriage as if it's something that has to happen because of the "click"
Meanwhile I'm here trying not to drink myself to dual the pain. How will I ever get over some ****?

I feel the pressure on my chest
The disappointment in everyone's eyes
Time to go in disguise
Evil is a surprise
Welcome home
Oh wait what's that?
Never had a roof that'd keep me on track
But now im safe temporary
Let's see how long this will last
I truly can't stay away from the past

Forever is a myth
Whatever they say when you're in live probably ain't ****
Look at me now solo and me expecting more of it
Just how I Invision it
Nobody has patience with me
I ****** up a lot and I'm "crazy"
I love the pain
Because atleast it's real
I wish I can deal
**** it, I'm a let the worse of it all take my heart on an adventure
Hopefully die a little more
Want to feel the agony everyone "swore"
Forever is a lie
Because everyone I loved decided to say goodbye
**** it, I'm a quit
Everybody deserves better
Especially with what I can't offer
Because I'm nothing
Can't even accomplish something
So tell me why forever isn't real
I dont have answer just some stories
I guess what I'm teying to say is no one will no longer have to worry

He got your attention
Had a lot of cute ****
Adorable intention
Now he's going to quit
Stop feeding him your attention
Ghosts are comin
Let's run away
I'll be your hero any day
You're my bestfriend
For real though all the way to the end
I hate saying forever
Because forever is a myth
Look at the **** we both dealt with
"*** don't leave"
"I'll never leave"
On a serious note i mean it boo!
Not worth it
You're a shooting star killing the darness in flames
A beautiful soul as Jesse McCartney would say
Anyway
He all the sudden is keeping distant
Why try, he proved himself, not worth it
You a hollar girl
I'm a **** up anybody that hurts your world
Not worth it darling

mom,
i cried because of Marshalls song
felt like i was never a good son
wished it was me that was gone and done
isn't life fun?
i remember the good and the bad
wished i was a man that wasn't a regret you once had
glanced from a distance and saw the old white car you use to drive
tear drops flooding my eyes
hey where dad?
******* depression
i'm beginning i'm the regret everyone had
she don't want me neither
i'd rather sit here in silence and take whatever everyone has to throw at me
just letting every thing hurt me
that's how it's supposed to be
dear family,
wished i was something ya'll wanted
now my feelings **** me guess who's haunted?
ma
wished i didn't hurt you
nor watched you die a few times
**** i'm glad no one was ******* there for me
i'd go take try because i was always lonely
even when i did want help
guess what? I ain't got no one else
plus who wants to waist time sitting with me in the waiting room
i'm a be here suffering in silence
guess what i'm trying to say
is that I'll eventually be okay
love ya ma
love ya pops
i'm a not ask for help'
i can take it with me back to hell

I want to walk through a field of sunflowers
light up my world while
run away
making a better change
the wind is playing with my hair
ready to climb up a tree and stare
let my screams be heard
sunset kicking me to the best side of the curb
sunflowers making me smile
can I just live here for a while?
stars hitting the field just right
mountain view i missed you
whats home?
will someone tell me?
doesn't matter I is lonely
but i've got my sunflowers
a few yards away there is another field of wishies
time to make a few and star gaze

i wish to run the world with no limit for a day
unlimited amount of impulsive choices
ignoring every ones  voices
I wish to maybe get away
find a better place
sick of hearing my name in vain
about to really be a pain
okay headphones on
Bring me the Horizon
Pierce the veil
three days grace
get scared
these are the current bands mood
about ready to blast my music loud
got a motive to make some pathetic ******* proud

Hush now
He's not worth it because your heart beat loud
I'm a drive to your location to keep you safe and sound
I'm a make sure no boy hurts you again
Please darling bear the sound of my voice
Follow me I'm open
I'll make sure you won't be be broken
What's it like being away from me?
Honestly?
Wish I could be there
For you heres my hand because I truly care
Please don't hurt yourself
You're a favorite
You'll make it
I'm grab his confidence and break it
I know you hate it
But I promise you majesty
We'll run the world

Danger
Written in paper
I need a favor
Need something with stronger flavor
Hopefully I'm a help the others in need
Don't want to watch others not succeed
I can barely speak
Is this a dream
Nope, it's paranoia again
Bout to break the window open
Feel the cold breeze?
It's beautifully cold
Because I'm sick of false hope.
Working on it being pure as gold
Clear as crystal
I'm dig up the review my past
Then burry it deeper and hope it won't come back
I'm inspired
Music is a safer place that I truly desire
Music is my first and only love
Played trumpet for a great part of my life
Treble clef notes and beautiful notes
I believe in ghost
Now it's time to beat a tune till they leave me alone
About to go beast mode
I'm a pretending I'm in a commitment with hate
Then break it off to seek true fate
But **** man everythings fake
Anyone relate
Heart aches
Heart breaks
Feeling about to deteriorate
I'm a lay here for hours to contemplate
Hush Nellie
Its okay, stars out
Suns gone
Think positive because suns only gone for a moment
Time for you to own it
Lay there
Listen to the world sing while the breeze plays with your hair
Trust me little homie you're going to get there

Subject
Projects
Rejected
Why me?
Stable job
I swear luxury isn't real
But everybody compared to me has it
Subliminal hits attacks me
******* reality
Sporadic illness
About to retaliate this
Eminem had a dream he was king
He woke up still a king
And then took himself to a ringer
I'm just a stranger
Relating so much am I in danger
How many mistakes will it take to be okay again
Will it be momentarily then?
**** it I'm a work on myself
Revival if the fitness self centered ******
But my walls are in process of being made out of bricks
Y'all just made me ****
Contagious or not
This is something I'm bout to knock
Hopefully cure it all
Watch the rose pedals fall
I love sunflowers
Feels more like home
All though i dont know what home is
So ***** the critical subliminal hints
I'm a just do me and thats how i envision it

I want to end it.
Pack a hand full of sentimental valued ****.
Then go elsewhere to split.
I want to end me
Nobody else can see
Cruelty
Now you're wondering why I'm so "Happy"
The ******* think?
I'm a step outside
Run into a dark forest
Looking for creatures that want to play
Maybe get taken a way
Invade a new space
Hearts bout to race
I'm a escape
No happy ending
Heres dark letters I'm sending
"Okay" "fine"
Are feelings I'm pretending
The voices in my head
Reliving nothing but regret
Wondering why they all left
Will someone just appreciate me?
I'm ******* ready to leave
Loneliness is all i achieve
Not including others
By why explain?
I'm a hide in this dark forever to play and pray and hope it's rains
Feelings burning in flames

Go ahead and play me
This game is a ****** ending
I'm out here pretending
I not doing well
Haven't been in a while
Me begging and pleading for help ain't my style
I've got music
I've got smokes and beer for this crying session
Here comes a confession
I'm not okay
I struggle everyday
This is a ****** game i play
I always put others forst
I try to make **** work
My family is in a middle of a hate love relationship
Wanna hold on but I'm losing grip
Eyes dripping
Body shaking
Thoughts shrinking
Alcohol successful
Drowning and now impulse is unstoppable
Welcome back Nel,
You need to stop leaving
It's not like resecpt is something you're receiving
You know what to do go into the bathroom to start bleeding

I have been hurt really bad, especially recently. No one has room or time to really give a ****. But that's okay, I've struggled lonesome through out my whole life. I've laughed, I've cried. The ones I thought I'd never see leave is now gone. I grew up independent but yet still gullible. A bad heart break and I kind of feel really vulnerable. I've never in myself life have met anyone that has stayed with me to pull myself through. As soon as the tough got harder, my senses of determination to get better just decided to fail do to no help. I am probably the most independent person now. I owe my life to myself so it's time to throw the **** in the back and continue walking.
I just wish I could trust again, I don't even trust my ******* friends.

If i grow up I'm a not let go of these bills
Get a new vibe and enjoy cheap thrills
Don't want to be criticized
Raise a drink to the night sky
Shine with some stars tonight
Hoping to do good and be alright
I swear the voices hold me back
But **** that I'm a do better
Write depression a darker letter
Maybe attempt to be less antisocial
Hang with stranger and give it my all and make sure I'm not local
Is it strange to open up to a stranger
I mean I'm not in danger
I love hearing life stories
Its like watching a movie in your head
I'm ready to enjoy new journies and would live to get out of debt

Bet
Let's get a new motive
Start up a party
Grab the ***** and lose yourself
Drop your phone
No one goes home
We ain't alone
We're just trying to enjoy it
Mess around getting buzzed quick
Maybe talking ****
For ***** and gigs
Smoke and share packs of cigs
**** it lets get this dub

When through everything alone
People I love don't respond on the phone
Everyone betrayed me
I'm as well fairly guilty
But we all should stick together
Let go of some **** and help each other get better
Paranoia, anxiety, depression, guilt,anger,lies list can go on
Wish I was gone
Life overdosed me with overwhelming sadness
Glanced at the view and mentally screaming in madness
I'm looking at myself full of hate
Don't want anyone to Resuscitate
But that's okay if I go it maybe fate
My heart still is broken
Tears storming my cheeks bout to bust skin open
Wish I had support
Wish I had a break
Wish i wasn't drowning in my thoughts
Forget what I said wish i had everyone I loved back
But i can see they ditched me in a dark path
I'm cold and hungry
Living in my truck because I'm to lonely
And nobody gives a ****
I get it, it's karma I understand

I'm so cold it hurts to cry.
So overwhelmed because this journey is a long drive.
What's my destination
Send me a location
Wheres home?
Oh wait I'm driving in home
Always on the road
I just don't know
Wish it wasnt so cold
Now my eyes sting from tears freezing
Not enough blankets oh well i shouldn't be complaining
Could be worse
Stuck in a homeless hopeless curse
I have to stay strong not only for me
But to the people who say they'd do anything for me
I'm sorry but I dont trust that
Living in my truck
Depressed, cold, and lonely
Eyes ******* heavy
Just to cold to live and sleep

Life is a bit scary, no body to help me. A lone in this dark world, parked and trying to avoid using gas for the heater. I wish someone would save me because it's another cold night. I'm exhausted all the time. Wishing I was under a roof warm and fine. I'm so cold and hungry. Again I've always been lonely

I'm afraid to allow company
All anyones done was hurt me
Got a lot of thinks on my mind I can barely think
Shredding the shore about to sink
Wishing a had a little drink
But I'm stay clean
Avoid things so i say what i don't mean
Caught up on depression
No need for a counseling session
I think I've learned a lesson
Who needs help when trust is a issue
Look at the things I'm gping through
Wish i had someone to save me
Got no where else better to be
Nobody to go see
I don't want to live life full of impulsive guilt
Just want the real deal
Things on my mind and resentment is all I feel
Hold me
Nah don't touch me
Hug me
Nvm i don't want you to see me
Whats wrong
What do I do from here

I've dealt with me as a sinner, talk about a amateur must be a new beginner. Coping with me being miserable over something. Now I'm a feel nothing. Y'all gotta move, being miserable for no reason. I'm a survive longer though any season.
I can say I'm making it, even though I'm faking it. Just am happier being under no roof. That's the sad truth. I hit my own despondency. Convinced that lifes full of misery.

I'm really cold, wish I had grabbed a coat. Had to leave the awkward drama and I'm here feeling neurotic. Am I still psychotic? I wish a stranger would see past my smile by looking into my eyes. Cut me off to hug me and remind me that things are going to be alright. Didn't eat today, left to get my hoodie and glasses. Got angry messages. Avoided going home, I'm in my truck cold. Why does this keep happening? After my attempted changes am I still the problem?
I've had people who mean the world drop me to solve their own problems. We're all paying for life, don't matter because for reality we all be giving it a check. Haven't figured out **** yet. I'm exhausted, been wishing I was doing fine.
I've driven home everyday with tears running down my face. That ***** on the daily. Hold up I'm getting a call, it's anxiety leaving voicemails. I should call back, maybe.
I'm judge
Eyes sore
Hands shaking
Chest aching
Feelings deteriorating
Hearts breaking.

Exhausted
Not motivated
Depression
Hungry
Randomly sexually frustrated
Irratated
Lonely
Anxiety
Betrayed

Sorry to hear that
Wish I can help dad
Can't believe what's been going on
How are we able to put up with things this long
I know we're not alright
But we'll be fine
Wish things weren't ******* us over so much
Half tempted to give up
But dad why they ****** with you
You're more stable and you've always pulled through
You taught me what not to do
Taught me better and showed me what to do
Now you're getting ******
What'd happened because life really does ****
Hearing about you now low key......boosted more anxiety
But I'm not saying ****
I know we're not perfect
But **** man we giving it our all
And past so much more
We both saw things go out that door
Sorry dad,
If could I'd toss you everything i have
Wouldn't want it back
Getting harder to keep track
Especially when its the ******* past

I'm not okay. People ask me what's wrong but aren't listening. I'm avoiding **** and keeping my distance. I was concerned about my ex and had the cut the conversation short for some ***** that ended up ghosting me again. I love the way things happen in the end. About to really lose control and want to drown again. But I promised to get sober. How long this time?!
Not like anyone will care if it's all over!
Says the voices in my head.
Shut the **** up you don't need to mock me up there
What do you mean I'm a *******?
Atleast I'm trying to quit
Nah homie you're alone losing people
You can't keep **** simple

How many times will love **** me
I'm dying slowly
I'm packing a bag filled with fake smiles
For the sake of others i have to pretend for a while

I'm always alone in this darkness
**** happiness
I'm caught up on a streak again. Want to smash some heads open. I've got a motive to prove I'm atleast a decent human being. But why do I feel like a ghost. No shame I equally don't like you the most. I hate ugly personality. Since I'm invisible I can get away with haunting all your petty. Dark motives ready. At least I ******* stick to my words and impulsively help others in need. Put jerks before me. I'm a be better off you'll see. A better journey is all I seek. Just don't play me, because I'll put you down and mock you to a nursery. I've rarely saw light, I'm fairly shady. Pretty sure you had it easier. Bet most of you had daddy issues? Well I can give you advise walk the opposite way he did. Just like when you were a little kid. Not everyone sticks around. Might as well have fun when your going to be hitting the ground. Here since we being petty, I'll play along and pretend I'm in luxury. Because with this game I'm a still survive cuz I know my trajectory.

Hey what's your name?
I just wanted to make sure you were safe.
You were pretty **** wasted and I saw the fear in your friends eyes
I know what thats like
I swear I'm not trying to mess with you
Just trying to help you get through
Seems like your friends anxiety is hitting the roof
Whats that? 80% proof!
Ah man yeah you gonna black out
Pass out
Not a doubt
Regrets about to happen
Trust me i know all about not knowing my aftermath
You just gotta rest and avoid your phone before you get criticism back

At a club
Still sober not gonna **** it up
Was with homies
Still lonely
If everyone is trying to wreck my confidence
Missions accomplished
My temptations stronger
Nah man I'm trying I'm not staying any longer
Alone like crazy
Like for real on a serious note
I'm the type to do good until you start becoming a ghost
A bit needy
Clingy
****! When will I change to make others happy?
Like I'm trying
Bet
Not like I'm isolating and crying
Time to pretend I'm ight
Don't wanna fight
"It's cool I checked out"
I'm a be fine

I'm bout to make a change. Sporadically between bills and hopefully jobs.
I've got some work.
Going to prove worth.
Went solo
Found myself so cold
But I'm going beast mode
**** the low blows and cheat code
How many heart aches does one put up with
How much control do i need for this
I'm a work on me
No one controls my personality
But I've got a reputation
Lost in my mind and disgusted with my reflection
Work is all I need
Mental sanity
Working on a better personality
I'm a put a new start to work

Exhausted
Going to make a list
No ones invited
Okay
Great
Goodnight goodmorning
Nah neither of that **** anymore
About to hit this until my fist are past sore
When will it be the last time I drink?
For real I'm better off at trying to stay sober.
Mockery towards me especially now at work.
What the **** man,
About to really lose it because none of ya ***** understand
What did I do? in all honesty
I hate to admit blacking out but i hate it even more not knowing *** happened
But it is what it is
The **** I'm getting mocked for is also another reason why i bottle it in.

Dear Katelyn,
Sorry you got the worst of it.
Anyways I'm looking into the help i should take.
Appreciate you dealing with me at my worst.
Wish you were able to stick around whenever i do make it.
I'm going to get clean
I'm going to get help
I'm going to stay sober
I have to
I need to
I'm going to let myself fall a few times
But mama said it'll always get ugly before it gets pretty.
Mama also mentioned no one will last long enough to see a change.
Once they see a darkside they all look the other way

To be honest,
I'm ready to leave.
Pack some **** and go out
I'm fine
Im alright
shut the **** up Nel your ******* needs help
There I go arguing with myself again
Half tempted to maybe even admit myself
I am a manipulative psychotic ***
Now I'm ruining everything can I get some meds back?
Heart breaks
Betrayal
Abuse
All got me here
Now they've done it
Ready grab a razor sadly depression is the only feeling that commits
Everyone lost patience with me
Everyone lost fait in me
Ever since I've opened I'm pry that **** closed
I don't trust nobody
Haha ****, I'm really ready to go away.
Who the **** would care I'm alone a lot anyway
Nels a little *****
XD (/^_^)/

I've been drinking, blacked out again. Next day later I had to decide how much ties I've lost. **** what happened forgot.
Don't criticize me, the people i loved left me. Especially when comes to me being at my worse. I'm amazed cupcake forgives me and wanta to see me at my best. Along with my roommates, **** I got that. By I'm a step back. Would like to continue solo, I don't trust a soul. Last person i trusted woth my life gave up on me. Wow, I need something to swallow. Wanna eat, pass a drink. Benzodiazepines and SSRI's at the ready. Going to lose myself again to test my boundaries.
Nah **** that, stay clean again. These ******* don't deserve you but don't allow that judgment pry you open.
Hmmmmm
Who still actually has time to give a ****?
I just want to disappear into nothing
Want to burry myself with my issues
Nobody has a clue

**** this I'm a try to stay sober
I know I'm a fail again
I'm A stay clean till anxiety is over
I'm broken
Everyone I've loved is gone
This is wrong
I'm ******* done

I am ******* at myself
Who gives a **** about my health
Fuckk it ghost mode

I'm lost
Got hurt again
Need someone comforting
But nothing's working
Once again
Alone again
Well hello suicidal thoughts
It's been awhile
How have you been without me

I've always been know as the weak one.
Especially with the dumb **** I've done.
I atleast never walked out on a issue
Might of went to cool off but look who tried to see it through
I never went to go find a back up person
Never went to go catch impulsive feelings
But thats just how people work I guess
Lifes just a mess
I've got scars in my heart
Some flesh wounds that won't patch up
Starting to lose hope in love
My heroes are becoming rivals
what the **** man
I get impressed when poeple are capable of not losing hope for me
But now I don't let nobody get closer that's just how it has to be
Because everyone I ever loved or love has a habit of finding new feelings so they leave
Bout to burry my feelings six foot deep
No invitation to the wake
Y'all don't deserve to know
Haha guess y'all won't even know that one day I'll be gone