Hand me that pill, these emotions about to ****, swallow that feeling down I will, I got my drink not trying to spill.
A message to my stepmother father you understood in certain circumstances, I used to drown my life then take chances. I spent so long sipping and slamming bottles. It's ironic because that **** used to help, when I said I'd never drink it bad for my health.
Little brother I need you, youngest sis we talk more and see **** through. Then my second in command, we use to take a hand. You told me you understand, when I couldn't stand. **** some days I feel so defeated and I can't see it through. Mama the ******* need me to do.

Paralyzed on the floor
Gripping on the pink pillow
I'm shaking back and forth in this dark room
Tv lit and I'm distracted from remembering the scent of her perfume.
Narrow road
If it wasn't for a smile I'd a never spoke
Burry me with whiskey and cigarettes
Put on my songs that'd I'd never forget
Excuse my manners they haven't left
This is where you count me as another guilty regret
But at least we're ****** together

Already feel like we met
Already have said what I've said
I want you in bed
Side by side
Kisses with hugs with excitement
Smile kissable
Eyes full of desires
Smile had me blooming
I'm now daydreaming
I'd say you're pretty perfect for me
All I see is beauty and loyalty
Hopefully you'd desire me the way my eyes desire you
"I'd never let go first"

My other half
My wheeze when I laugh
Forever going to have your back
Prepare for a hug attack
Stoic and wise
Learning me and warning me that it'll be alright
Always a call away
I'm eager to talk about your day
My wise fox

Depression & attention both have one thing in common, but always have a different direction.
One can be sudden, one can be annoying, hell one can ruin your choice in affection with ones you love.
Either attention craves you as you lay in bed paralyzed or you're pleading for love as everyone's screens captures they're soul.
A cry for help with no actions or words are being heard.
I once loved so ******* much it was impossible to trust & important for me to set healthy relationships with boundaries & communication was awesome. Attention was filled to the brim & depression wasn't over flowing. Now I'm depressed & have no attention. Well at least the attention I crave. I'm falling in love with strangers, I'm over loving people who take me for granted. I can't stop loving as if the DAM you gave me collapsed & now I'm over flowing with false hope. I guess the difference between **** you and dam me have a cause & affect. The difference is.... I **** myself for opening up to you.

As I thought my heart broke,
Turned out to be blooming.
A rinse from my eyes,
A wild flower growing.
I've got mistakes and I've got success taking its path on the fields of petals.
A wild flower is what I find my soul to be.

Went for a few, treated myself too.
Danced the night. Chilled with friends it was pretty alright.
Talking and sharing stories.
I'm so thankful for my homies.

The night we met
A simple kiss
A simple night
Kisses grown wild
One thing led to the next
Laying in bed for some rest
Plans to know each other
Plans and intentions to admire one another

Saw a post, learned I missed you the most. Wish you was still so close. A rush of anger hit me, then Sadness took over lowkey. ***** that simple little posts and memories ****** me. Hate the ways of this reality. Unreal that you're gone, hate the way darkness consumed my rejoice of this ****** up world. Saw a post of that *****. What a ******* wave of a goodbye I had to deal with. I refuse to seek any sympathy if that ******* feeling. It'd be up on sight. Wished I'd had dragged you away that night. You're gone and life without you don't seem right. Dear cupcake I think of you most nights. Wished to talk about everything and wished to sat in the phone with you even as simple as background noise. My family wished they loved you as much as I do. Wish you came back home my dear, I'll love you to the moon and back baby. My best friend, my family, my lady. Miss you so so much bud❤

This was unexpected but also was predicted.
High pressures and hopes deflated
I'm so defeated
Depression gave me type two
I'm not sure if anyone understood why I stressed eat sweets
Always ready for a drink
I'm happy I pulled up
Upset about the results
Appointments after appointments for now
I hope I don't ******* drown
I've got a sweet tooth
But that's how depression and anxiety get you
Greater pros, higher cons.
I've got to learn how to avoid consuming under stress
A diet to put my levels a safer journey
I'm going wild both in my mind and my soul

I've been so caught up
Felt like no one wanted to save me
But these temptations are stronger
I don't think my mind can save me
My heart screams just ignore me
Is this what you wanted?
A dose of poison to dual what I've been dealing with
Because surviving the pillshot wasn't enough
I don't think anyone is listening
These temptations are dragging me closer
I'm pleading and screaming but I'm losing
Thought I'd be stronger as I got older
But I'm beginning to careless
It's just that drinking isn't enough
Smoking just don't feel enough
I want something deeper than longcut
Just lost in my head
Ignore the motivation and **** what said
Temptations goes along way
Beyond the dead
A wish upon a comfort
But a sharp pain
I'm losing my mind
Feels like I'm going insane

Couldn't be any more sympathetic about these kicks. Walked plenty of roads with these. A greater distance with plenty of views I was able to see. Some good shoes taking care of my feet. Haven't felt anymore or less from the soreness that kept me on my toes. The new shoes will soon enough take me on another adventure. But I'll never forget the times I've spent slipping these on and off.

I chose to admire from a distance
Chose to fall in love in silence
I'd much rather dream while your smile drives me restless when I can't sleep
Would rather love and adore you from a safe distant away from your gaze
Would rather get over you in days
Rather than spend my whole life dealing with the rejection you gave
Would much rather skip a rock against your waves because I'd be able to control the skips before I drowned down to a dark place
I'd rather day dream a cliche
In silence I'd treat you the best anyone had offered you
But again.....
I'm better off staying silent
All because I know my action screamed but I'm not of worthy
Would rather fall in love and let go all in the same day.
But baby trust me when I say,
In silence I've loved you life time after life time in silence full of life.

I've been a mess without me.
All I've wanted was to make accomplishments with you.
Thought I've found another safe space.
Built these walls to guard my mental place.
I've never wanted any break ins, tell that bad wolf to hold his breathe, I plan to blow myself away.
I thought I wanted a whole new life with you, until you lied me awake.
Only lies I wanted was the wraps around each other arms. Now I hope this pain stays away. I hate the way you got me
Devastated from the rollercoaster full of what ifs and buts along with the hate and adore. Was hard to ignore.
You're knocking and pounding on my doors, now these bricks I've rebuilt crack and break on the floor.
How did this piggy become the wolf when I was the one attempting to huff and puff your love away?

I've always know this had been over
But your attention had you laying on my chest and shoulder
What's the hell am I to do when I try to climb and get over?
I've always thought you wanted what I wanted
The what ifs and how's that?
Feels a lot more worse than a closer loved one stabbing my back
You showed me hardly any emotion
Called me out for not showing enough
You'd already givin up
As I'm repairing **** that'll continue to break up
Now my inner sides scream in agony with tears shoving me back into the night when we'd dance with the waves
Had no idea they were your waves to me

Let the thoughts be a lot more quiet
I wish my mental health would stay silent
Can I please be happier
I shouldn't struggle this hard to fake a smile

I've learned to rest when I need sleep, it's always different when you're next to me. Here baby, I've got comfortable clothes, I'll hold your hands when your cold. Want my hoodie and my coat? Let's watch our babies get old. Be there on their high and lows. Roll me up, smoke me up, wish to hold you my love. My partner and my best friend, I never want our time to end.
The way you look at me, the way you kiss me
The way I hold you, the way you let me too
I want to grow with you
My plus one against the world I hope it stays just us two

Some days I just don't know how to feel
I'm laying in bed contiplating what lies under the truth and hope things aren't so real
How do I begin to wake up under this chill
I know I need to see someone but they'll just give me a pill
The toughest old habit I had to ****
Some things aren't just meant to be this real

Once upon a job, I've gained a best friend.
Once upon a girl, she ****** off as if it's the end.
Gave me a warning, a painful debate led to a loss.
I guess I'll take my bies self off the planet, I'll forever love you here's my feelings you can shatter it.
I'm sorry for being more than enough, I understood your frustration but a debate between rejoice and friendship was tough. Your friendship with me had sailed, left me with no life jacket and my rejoice almost failed.
A Bies friend became my new name
2 week ***** became hers
If I've learned anything I must have been some *****
**** hurt when you left and I'm too afraid to get close to any one anymore
Now I'm a stranger

This ache
This pain
I'm different
You're different
We ran the world
Hid from the world
Now the bridges have burned
I'm struggling to keep up
This feels like a lose lose toss up
It's too ******* tough
I don't need a something to lean on
I just want to continue the journey we've been on
I'm ******* drowning bruv

With the conflicts full of confusion
With this chest ache I've found myself pretty close to be using
I'm drowning in poison to numb the decisions I make
I'm fighting Soberioity from the choices I've made
I've always improved and gotten much stronger
But the next challenge had always gotten tougher
The greatest strength I've gained was being sober for 14 years
About to burn that bridge to bring that inner Nel out.
Sick of missing, sick of feeling defeated, sick of over working to just lose it.
I don't believe I understand or relate to anyone but I sure hope you all believe me when I say loneliness is all that I'm feeling.

Which of the fence do I land on?
I've been broken apart and some how carried on.
I feel wrong, I feel gone, I'm feeling aches.
All I've I ever heard was what I'm too do or should do.
I'm anxious to even move.
Chest pumping leg shaking.
Staring off into space with a loud silence.
I've been here before but with a higher price. The cost of friendships and the cost of mental health out weighing one and  another.
Tears form but my sweat to thick.
Hands getting heavier, legs barely moving. I'm stuck and paralyzed with these dark thoughts. A cloud forming and voices calling.
(You okay?)
Me: yeah man, I'm fine just tired

So sweet, so kind, and so demanding.
Cute, adorable, and frightening.
A snap to relight that spark.
It's your birthday, make a wish upon the candles, then let's go take a drive in your car. Perhaps talk or sit in silence.
Cheap *****
Expensive future
Priceless feelings
Gestures so sweet with the treat of a snickerdoodle
How my weakness fell under my desired sweets along with your desirable smile
Both must be delicious coming from you
I best reach out for the doc to avoid this cavity

As if enough, we've talked with exuberance that made my feelings so tough. A love at first glance but a heart shattering after falling for her for just a few hours. Funny how I pleaded to be enough. But she'd bounce between broke boys as if enough for her world to spin. I've rotated mine and have made it go up, down, and back around to catch a smile. As if enough I'm the one that wasn't even enough. She'll never reach high enough to get back to my level.

First off I'm a start with the insecurities.
I'm not afraid of the pain I'm more afraid of you betraying my trust.
Bourbon, whiskey, toilet tissue, and tape to fix me.
I've always been everyone's rock, been know to be kicked and forgot. But most would of flown off like paper so I'd a stayed on top. Waited for their gain so they found the strength in flying across the world as I'm skipping a cross the shores, go keep up with your success as I'm supporting mine with yours. I've been know to unlock doors. But my love would always be yours. Secondly with my my sincerest grip with a gentle firm hug, wanted to let you know that you're all more than enough.

Locked in a room drowning in alcohol, but still feeling nothing at all.
Numb with emotion as tears storm my face, I wished I felt a feeling especially for a happier place.
I'll remember the smiles on their face.
Addicted to numb, wake up still feeling no pain.
Just cheeks experiencing the rain.
Tears fell, my heart aches for attention.
I don't say anything.
Everyone's breaking, my hands are shaking
I'm drinking to remember, waking up to forget.
I'm so sorry it was you who had left.
So young with a beautiful baby girl
I held her for the first time today and I felt the slow motion in my world
I went from numb to a heart break.
Love you man hope you rest well and mosh for me

Never mind after all it was just a kiss.
Let's just pretend my presence wasn't a gift. I'll just pretend I've also got a replacement & some one to chill with.
With my sweet words giving you a laugh, my sweets just now got bitter & I'm a turn my back. Every night I've learned to never wish, it's pretty simple to find a good night kiss. It was love on top of my wish list. But you're all playing with me so it's hard to find comfort with words you've never meant. I should of act out the words I never said. I refuse to beg, signs told me I should of been the one leaving y'all on read. Never mind the feels I've ever gave. But your betrayal would never put me into a grave. Never mind a fake promise I'm a adventure out for someone great.

My eyes got so heavy, I'm laying down as I'm numb and my bottles empty.
A night under the stars was almost so pretty, but the sun lit the lake on fire and reflections pure as gold.
I've still felt alright alone, wish I had somebody to hold.
Went from a freeze to a melt.
Ignore the past and the **** I felt.
Sweat dripping down my skin, all I've wanted was a do over but I didn't know where to begin. The lake giving me waves to leave.
I was almost at peace.

So much to debate
You claimed you wanted to date
But the night we met
Was a beautiful happy mistake and I was your regret
As I gazed
My heart sank
I should have stood my ground
I'd rather be ripped apart by these sharks
But the sun dried my eyes out
I'm a go for a drive, one day I'll feel alright.

I've captured beautiful moments, had amazing feelings.
I've ignored my mental judgements because I don't want to doubt everything my heart screamed.
But slowly through the time my messages always been ignored or left on seen. Her
Attention begged for my attention and the next day she was no where to be seen.
Funny how things changed after I'd promised her everything. I was quickly replaced.
I ran across the fields to capture the red flag. Survived it all to wish I had put it back. What's up with these red flags with a high damage? I've chased her like dreams expect I can't have it. Plenty of love on this planet. But I wanted hers ******* it.

Love is a desperation cried out loud from the broken. Been taken for granted for leaving my heart open. Had a few almosts, began to believe in ghosts. These days it's a matter of popular demand, what's potential without a chance?
I've been on both sides of a few love stories, still managed to fail though. My time will come because losing means I've got much more to lose. I can't count how many times I've lost and found myself. Sometimes it's a matter of self love or a bit of help. Many of us got so far with no guidance, real ones call that independence.
One day love will find me again.

A mixture of laughs and music hit this town with a perfect volume. I feel the happiness that's meant to be loud.
Lots of smiles in this crowd.
Kids horse playing and families so proud.
I don't want this moment to end, I'm enjoying me a few beers watching rejoice come in.
I love a small town get together
Plenty of food and plenty of family friends to be with.

She promised me a beautiful picture, something unique and out of place.
I had no idea what could have been better. It was either her personality or the sincerest smile from her beautiful face.
I would think about it all day, her art would take me far from this dark age.
But the storms chased me. At least her affection silenced the rain, was able to wipe my eyes to continue my path and seek out the change. I can write about this as a memory, turn the page and describe a feeling. Write a chapter about a couple of things. Her perfect canvas hung above my bed. Funny how that picture replays that experience over and over through my head. I had no idea she was the storm I needed to escape from, things got darker and louder the more attention she attempted to play out for me. Reactions of hers were so dual, feelings got so cold. Lips felt lifeless, now my anxiety reached its highest. Her art became my bitter sweet masterpiece.

I've been feeling so alone, I've been replaying her story to fill in the empty spaces. I'd bring her home, then take her out to a few places. I will replay her story to see her smile. I'm daydreaming of her again. I know I shouldn't, but I'll leave my doors open. She can call, she can show up, she can have my attention, hell she could possibly have it all. All I want is the be the cause of her smile.

If I had a rose returned from every girl I attempt to talk too, I believe my hand would be full of scars. I guess I have a odd face with a slight attitude. Sorry sweets I don't trust easy I've been alone since I was about 22. Not like I'm the only one talking to you. I went from being first in line and used to play varsity. Seems like I'm now benched and became a ******* alternate.
***** the difference, I'm still the best anyone can offer. Who cares who's hotter? At least I know where my loyalty falls and I know where her words lie.
I throw salt at the ghost when they avoid saying good bye.

I felt a good feeling surrounding me.
Everyone was just laughing, smiling, and dancing.
I've wondered how many people were here to just escape.
I didn't think too much, I've had a few to drink and some really good food to eat.
I'm genuinely happy in this moment.
If I can rewind time I'd come back for a minute to just hold that moment.
The sky had beautiful clouds, the music was beautiful and loud. Genuinely happy to be a part of this crowd.

She began asking....why am I so heavy to carry? I've got a few answers and a dozen of secrets I've had to burry. Her mistakes began holding her hostage, under these leaves I've raked and bagged some new escape strategies. Darling not everyone is as bad as they seem. At least the people you dislike are honest about one thing.
(Judgement)
Depression and trauma is all the weight you've carried, in agony I've seen you walk these mountains but the views always great. If only you began to noticed the strength and knowledge you gained. I'd always be ready to lift you off your feet so you wouldn't feel so heavy.

Avoiding the feeling of being under water. But in I'm on my feet and I'm perfectly grounded but I'm still drowning.
My plans kept breaking.
Hopes and dreams seem so distant.
Clouds fog my surroundings, misty out, and I'm cold I began coughing. I warm beverage but I'm still cold. Some tunes to put my tears at ease in this barely dim lit room.
I long for attention but I don't bring any home with me.

I've got these dark spots, breaking the walls and all my locks. I've got these dark thoughts, with a dark cloud chilling on top. Thought about death and even self destructive intentions. If only you can watch the **** I imagine. My heart told me to go to bed, but I chose to drown in my head. Imagine drinking to feel alive, but happiness began to be deprived. I can see myself go up just to fall deeper down. I'd put out the flames with gasoline, drown under water to avoid my scream. Talking and daydreaming of love finding me. But like Nemo I'm lost and my dark thoughts put me far and I can't be found. I'll keep myself in a isolated box, ship myself away so you can't imagine these dark thoughts. Drink pure glass and rocks. A sharp rough forced entry. Swallow that **** with a barbed wire wrapped around me. What the ***** going on with me? Now I smile at the thought of being violent, I cry when a beautiful gesture caused these thoughts to be so silent. Maybe I shouldn't be alone when I get these dark thoughts.