I've always been the first and the last to offer my attention.
Never been much for begging for any in return.
Well,
At least not sober me.
If I were to walk on coals I'm so sure I wouldn't burn.
I'd be cold.
But is it really different than any of my inner thoughts?
Placing bets on my questions that glow.
I'm certain I'd win them all because it's unfortunate but true.
I'm lost and kind of alone.
The difference between you and I is that.....
I'd always give.
Some how you'd be the first to receive and forget.

It was your failed intentions that ****** me up, the way you impulsively hurt me me. The way sins blushed your cheeks as tears rolled down mine. Love was meant to hurt me and drive me mad. But I've always loved so madly.
Once upon a time I'd day dream of the right one treating me right. Dates under the dark sky under a blanket of stars. The comfort of a presence.
But now I'm insecure and would rather do what I'd imagine any broken soul would do. I'd smile and tell others I'm fine.

I've been warned to not fall so easily.
But I'm clumsy.
I fall for actions followed up with some attention.
Can't say I'm receiving any of that in return.
Love is so cliche also very difficult to learn.
Most love now a days are toxic.
A argument is
"Commitment"
A compliment is
"A insecurity"
But what do we call fear?
Marriage?
Maybe so, but I'm sure you're following a long with what I meant.
I guess I'll have to give it a chance one day.

I've never been perfect.
Never wanted that pressure.
I've always been the first responder.
But I'd be begging and pleading,
Searching for a station on the radio that never existed,
Along with no comforting sounds receiving.
I've been talking to walls and forget what they've said.
Knuckles defending my insecurities as they bled.
I'm reaching out to be left on read.

Couldn't fight the good that turned out to be kind of bad.
I tell myself I didn't deserve any of that.
Had a few tears and a couple of laughs.
Recycling a bit of me to bring myself right back.
I believe I can repair the broken,
Should have not allowed myself to be that open.
Mistakes made me.
Success destroyed me.
Anxiety hits uncontrollably,
Now I'm learning it's not all that bad.
Once again I'll learn from all of that.

Headphones on
Music loud
Shuffle playing
Shhhhh don't sing along
But I'm staring at the ceiling
The lyrics per song had me feeling
Now I'm over thinking.
Hush now think softly
Tell me to go at ease on my body
Headphones in
Some songs on repeat.

Tossing and turning in a dim lit room.
I'm cold, I'm warm, I'm sweating, I'm shivering. **** indecisive restless body. Tell me to go to sleep most of the day to stay awake all night. Mood enlightened but then loneliness kills that vibe. I'm up again most nights. Headphones in again, sleep is something I'm hoping for. I can't tell sometimes if I'm a be alright. But awake again as the sun rises. Chain smoking when I'm tired of being awake. But awake when I'm tired. Back to a daydreaming world. I'm as happy as can be as reality storms. What am I actually awake for? Exhausten comes in many forms.