Your "I love yous" still lingers in the air, I began to hyperventilate because you're no longer there. I can't breathe everytime I think of your smile. We're spending holidays without your famous breakfast and laughs. I'm trying to keep the blades off of our families backs. But this weight on my chest anchored me down, I'm drowning dad. I drown while your love fills the air, I'm a drown because you're no longer waking me up in my gaming chair. I ******* miss that smile, I ******* miss your jokes, I miss your hugs. Out of everything the most I miss your love.
As your presence lingers the air, I drown in bottles and managed to forget how to swim.

Tell me that I matter to any if you, then make plans with me so I can be the only one to see them through. I've learned to fall in love with my depression because even through my happiest moments depression was the only one patient with me. Got to see the best and worst of me. Weather I was distracted with others or me being lonely. I can sit here all day and take life advice and listen to personal stories and watch others try to redirect me. But it is not going to matter because none of them commit to staying by my side. Maybe I am too weak, maybe I do need to put down a drink, or maybe I need to pick up another bottle of pills and let the SSRIs do the work for me. But I'm still fighting for myself. I'm still listening to everyone trying to conquer their depression over mine. I swear I'm not selfish! I've soon realized there is no cure, just some stitches and false treatment. Depression and I made that agreement. Smiling for real is my main achievement. But I've got a true broken smile that'll enlighten you. When will I find that one to enlighten me?
Ask yourself that before you decide you want to commit to staying with me.

You think I care about anyone trying to comfort me?
I'm still alone and when I was struggling no one bother to check up on me.
I struggle everyday just to go home and catch myself crying.
I'm fine, I'll be alright, one step at a time. But wait I'm still lying.
I'm not going to be fine, I'll never be fine.
Sure I'll be safe, but I really am not all that safe. I still prefer to lose by natural causes so when my tombstone is made it'll show I went out swinging. But honestly, why am I still living?
Impossible for me to find mental peace.
I fight off everyone's insecurities for the moment. But alone I face myself ******* **** near suicidal. I find the strength to go out of my way to make someone's life easier. Thats just the way it works. Too bad no one will commit to me until they bury me in dirt. But for what it's worth.....
I'd be able to sleep.

I lost my best friend, not much for saying good byes. But the more I deal with the easier it gets. But this was the one I'll never forget. Hurts the most that he left. Eyes flooding, drinks to start buzzin. Not a **** person can tell me otherwise. I gaze upon the stars in the dark sky's.
With the innocence looks he used to give me. Now seeing his eyes roll back with his body empty.
One drink to cry, the second to talk to him the sky. Now I switched to slamming bottles.
Father please forgive me because I don't want to be sober anymore. Wished I can tell the world how much of a hero you are. Especially to me, you're my main star. You're my home and now I'm homeless. I barely make it, I'm always going to fake it.
Father please reunite with me again, tell grandma my heart is broken.
Miss you both singing to me. I'm drowning in agony. Please reunite with me.

I don't anyone can understand me when I choose to drink and drive.
I know its completely wrong but I really don't feel alright.
The drunker I get, the sober I feel.
Because of that pain never getting dual, it's just sharper and that's something I don't want in this deal.
No one to call my phone, dad I wish I was coming home.
Holidays just as empty as my stomach.
But I'm a fat **** so I guess not eating at the moment is just fine.
I lie to everyone about me staying up most of the nights crying.
I can't just stop thinking about my grandmother father. That grand sons and grand daughters. Hope that makes for you to understand. Now I'm sitting here writing letters to myself. Dad without you feels like I'm being punished in hell.

Somedays I just don't want to, but I have too.
I wake up with tears flooding my face. Doesn't help that I live by myself in this place. Alcohol in my fridge to bring in that comfort.
Winter falls and it's pure ice sometimes I wish I was in a desert.
Atleast I'd be dry and not frozen in this depression. Sis thinks I need a therapy session.
What happened to me?

It's not fair, dad you ain't there. Grandma you pasted too, so I feel like I can never get over losing you. Dad you died with me in the room. All I feel is me feeling so doomed. I'm losing. Life's confusing. Daddy will you help me?
I Burried you into your grave but you're presence still feels like you're here. I'm a slam a bottle with a beer. Now I drown in agony.