when i was in 5th grade, i was always determined to swing the highest. one day, when i was so high up that the back of my head was level with the top pole, i decided to lean all the way back as i swung backwards. with my face inches away from the ground, and the entire world upside down for a few fleeting moments, i then discovered what adrenaline was. that’s what loving you is like.

captain's log, #6

3/7/16, 9:17 a.m.

i woke up to the sound of rain and birds, it's almost spring and i'm nostalgic for something that i'm not sure has happened yet. 

captain's log, #7

3/11/16, 2:35 a.m.

at this point i don't even know why i still grieve over you. i've taken back what was once mine, to the best of my ability, but i think that you still have a tight grip on the parts of me that i'm not able to grow back. or maybe it's because i can't remember a time before i was either madly in love with you, or mourning the loss of your interest. me being "over it" means nothing when those words are still etched with traces of you. i can tell myself to get over it, that you have, that you're in the past, that none of this was ever real, but it was. it still is, somewhere. and in that somewhere, it grows. you will never be just, gone. 

captain's log, #8

3/11/16, 4:00 a.m.

let's go somewhere. somewhere far away, just for a while, where everyone else looks like ants. i wanna hold your hand there. i wanna go somewhere with you. 

captain's log, #9

3/16/16, 6:00 a.m.

it's only the beginning of a creation, but i already have that feeling in my gut, the one that can only accurately be described as nostalgia for the future. i feel things that don't make any sense, but here are some things i know; the weather's getting warmer, the days are getting longer, the flowers are tearing themselves open, and when i close my eyes i see your hand in mine. often times i'm not sure that i remember how to not be afraid, but i still find myself diving in head first. i can't stop thinking about two days ago when my therapist told me that it seems as though i like torturing myself. 

(EDIT ON 3/30/16: stop forcing yourself to like girls, stop falling in love with love.)

captain's log, #10

3/28/16, 7:04 p.m.

keep forgetting to write when i remember how to be happy. when she left, she didn't close the door, and he walked right in and turned on the lights that have been off for too long. his teeth are a little crooked, and he's only got one dimple, he hates these things but they make my chest flutter like it'll burst into a thousand flowers any second. i've waited months for this. i wish on every 11:11 that he won't be as fleeting.

captain's log, #1
 
2/26/16, 4:06 a.m.

my heart is growing, but has turned into an anchor. i guess a bigger heart means a heavier one, too. i remember what lightning bolts feel like. the elephant's feet are back. 

captain's log, #2

3/3/16, 5:05 a.m.

i think i know why night is the enemy. without light, there's no colour. i look out my window now, i can see a sun peeking over the horizon, and i know that the world does not spin for me. so why doesn't my brain work the same? i don't remember how or when this infinite night crept up, but i feel like someone took the saturation bar behind my eyes and slid it all the way left. i miss outlook. i miss the sun. 

captain's log, #3 

3/3/16, 9:52 p.m.

your bones get so weary and cold that all you're able to do is sit in the shower with the hot water all the way up, and it makes you feel less disgusting for a bit but we all know that letting water run over your body doesn't clean it, or your mind, of this filth. the greatest romantic couldn't make what you did to me sound remotely beautiful. many nights i have stood desperately scrubbing and washing my skin until it's raw but your touch still lingers.

captain's log, #4 

3/5/16, 3:14 a.m.

there are too many things in this world that i crave. i long for a different body, a different place, a different me. the rational parts of my brain know that this is what i've had, what i have, what i will always have and that i should just make the most of it, but depression creeps from somewhere dark, far below where my feet stand, and moves its way up my spine like a fiery slug. i am now realizing that the devil on my shoulder never left, only lied dormant. 

captain's log, #5

3/7/16, 2:10 a.m.

been driving too fast with my eyes closed. been smoking again. been forgetting to eat. been thinking a lot about the fine line between, "i want to die," and, "i don't want to live."

my love is as valuable as gold. it takes every fiber of my being to create and produce, and once it's soaked up by another human being, it takes a long time for me to get it back. even long after they name me a ghost, all i see is them. this is lingering. this is dwelling. this is the sidewalk fading away while wandering around wonderland. i don't remember how to get over it.

let me take a break from all of this for awhile
ii’m much too sad to read you a story from my diary
i miss kissing you
i want to kiss you under the sun
i want to kiss you on the sun
i want to handcuff you and kiss you
i want to know how to kiss you
i want to write a book about kissing you
kissing you is a full time job
let me kiss you agian
i am so sorry
i died kissing you
and i don’t regret it
i am losing my mind and i don’t want to find it
i"m reall sorry i will pay for the damages
wow can we stop loving each other so much already
i am so inlove with you right now i could make all the spelliung mistokos in the
world and you would still understand me and i you could close our eyes and still
see how much love we have for each other anad i don’t even mind if it seems like
i’m not payinga ateetion because maybe this is the way things are supposed to
be and i can’t make anything perfect for you because i am not but if you know
then i bet you can we ever
maybe this is right
everything is amazing and it will all be destroyed
this is the most memorable moment i’ve had today
let’s walk through the water with our shoes on
i want to feel the mud between my toes
i’m trying to catch all the mosquitos i can find
people say i’m not saying anything but i am actually saying everything and if you
paid close attention you would notice that i am actually made of different flowers
i’m so cute when i kiss you because you make
me feel reall cute u are so cute and kissing you should be an olympic sport
because i would win a gold medal in kissing you for sure!
how about we talk for a minute

i like to think of my eyes as broken cameras that can't focus properly on their own
i love my glasses honestly
i love to take them off when i'm in the passengers seat of a car at night because the city's fuzzy lights look so pretty
you don't get that with 20/20 vision

leave a mark wherever you go. plant a tiny piece of you and it will grow and grow and you will be infinitely remembered. don't be afraid, share yourself because you are constantly evolving. constantly bettering. you are a small creature crawling the face of the earth just like everyone else, but sometimes our footprints are bigger than we could ever be in this moment. you are a humongous soul contained in a tiny vessel of a body, who you are and what you've done will live on. make an impact. live, create, share. you can do so much more than just exist.