Passing notes in library aisles,
Elation is all that memory serves.
With you I've known nothing but smiles,
Reveling in your wonderful words.

You bring joy to every moment you touch,
The world always seeming to smile down at you.
With your laughter and songs and smiles and such,
How can I blame it? You make me smile too.

I hate that you have done this to me.

Is this what giving up feels like?
Is this what giving in feels like?

I know where things go from here.
I know what happens next.
This is where my future disappears.
Where what I want fades away to what is best.

I knew you would come for me one day,
I knew it might be soon in time.
I secretly hoped that you would never find me,
That I might escape your way of life.

Finally the wait is over,
There is nothing left for me to fight.
No more to rage at dying day,
I must go softly into this goodnight.

I am trapped by my own ideology,
Stuck between a rock and a hard place:
What I want and who I want to be.

How can I choose which is better for me?

One, a desire – a hunger, a burning passion that is mine. It has become a part of me, defined me, and helped craft me into who I am.

The thought of losing this desire sickens and saddens me. It is all I can think of right now, how I would be unable to grasp the warmth and pleasure.

I will miss it. It will always be on my mind, always somewhere in my chest. It will be beating, gnawing, eating me alive from the inside – for I will have no way to let it out.

This is the rock, the want for which I love and enjoy and hate to lose. This is the desire that I will constantly be reminded of, that I will have to battle against – spending so much time and energy just trying not to miss it.


Unfortunately for me, my desire conflicts with who I want to be.


I want to be good and honest, helpful and holy and willing to sacrifice. I don’t want to be shallow or superficial, I don’t want to choose what I want now over what I want most.

I find it agonizing that I must choose. That I must choose to abstain from all my desires just so that I don’t lose who I am. I know that if I chose what I want over who I want to be, I don’t know where I would wind up. I fear that I would have a crisis of self, in wondering what it is that I am working for, hunting for, seeking out.

Choosing who I want to be has its many rewards, it is a reward in itself. It will bring me laughter and joy, love and happiness. It will bring security and warmth to my life.

But all the while, I’ll be wishing I could have my desire as well. I’ll be constantly fighting off the will to let in, to let loose, to plunge back into the pleasure that I currently have. All the while I’ll just be waiting to find that pleasure again. It will cloud my thoughts, my wants, my needs. It will become a gnawing hunger in my chest that I will have to learn to ignore.

I already know what my choice will be – it is the only one I can make. I know I must choose to be who I want to be, because I won’t be able to live with myself otherwise. I am trapped, pinned by ideology. I can’t risk losing the joy of WHO I want, for the pleasure of WHAT I want. I am trapped.

Trapped.
Trapped.
Trapped.

Complaints
Complaints
Why do you complain?
What good, what help, what use are they,
The words you spew and cry?
Why can't you, like everyone else, keep those words inside?
When you moan and groan, pine and whine,
I lose respect, I like you less, your thoughts I now despise.
It isn't cute, it isn't fun, it doesn't make me smile.
Tired of listening to your complaints,
I don't think you're worth my while.

I want you to remember me in this moment.

Years from now when things have changed, when you might not see me in the same way, when we may not even know each other anymore, I want you to remember that at some point in my life, at some point in "us", that I was this person. I want you to know that this person will always be inside of me somewhere.

When you are
Looking at me with distaste at something I've done,
Picking me up because I'm a mess,
Crying because I said something,
Or because I didn't say what I needed to,
Laying in bed looking at an empty pillow beside you,
Walking around an empty house because I had to get out,
Looking through ancient pictures of the two of us together,
Wondering how I could have ****** up as bad as I did,
Wondering why we don't feel the way you used to,
Wondering why you and I don't work anymore,
Wondering why we're falling apart,
I want you to remember.

Remember this moment.

That I love you.
That right now, I'm a boy who just wants to be with you,
Who wants to care for you,
Play with you,
Run around and explore and sing songs with you,
Make love to you, kiss you in every beautiful place,
Remember the look that you see in my eye,
Remember that right now I would take a bullet for you,
Jump off a bridge for you,
Remember that right now, right here, in this moment,
You are the only important thing in the world that I want.

Remember this moment.

Because no matter how bad things get, this person will always be inside me. The boy looking at you now, filled with so much love - he isn't going anywhere. He may be hard to dig out, hard to find, buried beneath years of troubles and fights and crushed dreams, but he will still be there. I'll still be this moment inside.

When that time comes, I'll just need some help finding this moment again. I might need a little help to remember.

I have a bad memory. I need you to remember for me.

Don't let me forget that I love you.

Why can't I leave you?
Even with all your flaws, why can I not leave you?

I'll tell you why.

It's because when I look at you, I see beauty. I see innocence and brilliance and someone that hasn't been corrupted by the world. I see someone who hasn't lost their optimism, who hasn't bowed to cynicism or bitterness. I see someone who still loves life and is able to see the beauty and wonder that fills the world.

When I look at you, I lose myself. The lines of your face, the glow of your cheeks, the depth in your eyes, and every hair either in or out of place combines to create the sublime. Time stops... when I look at you. Whatever we're doing, whether it be hiking around rocks, running around, careening around corners on the road, singing as we walk, or just laying together, enjoying each other, I find one little instant when time freezes. It freezes and all I see is you. It freezes and yet another still frame is added to the growing memory book that has your name on it.

Your mind baffles me, your words inspire me, your personality keeps me on my toes. And even though there are lots of little flaws, lots of small imperfections, and even a few larger ones, they are all outweighed by how amazing you are. I've never met anyone like you. Nobody has ever made me feel like you do. Not a single person has been all that you are.

How could I possibly leave you?

There are times when I've wanted to - times when I want nothing more than to call it quits because you drive me crazy or dangle want I want just in front of my face, but never give it to me. There have been so many times when I think about you and realize that you will probably be my downfall. You will wind up being that person that I knew would come along and ruin all my plans. You're going to be the person that makes me compromise on all I've ever wanted and worked for, all I have ever desired of life, all because I am going to fall in love with you. I am going to fall in love with you and I'm going to love it and hate it all at the same time. You are going to be my beautiful ruin.

Despite this, despite knowing that you are simultaneously and tragically perfect and perfectly wrong for me...

I still can't leave you.

I know that if I did, I would hate myself. Twenty years after I left you I would look back and realize that I was a fool. Hindsight would reveal just how painfully shallow and misguided I am.

Does that answer your question?
Does that help you understand?

Does that make you realize who exactly you are? Who you are to me? You are the Anti-Blake. You are the end of everything that makes me who I am. You're stealing my identity away from me, turning me into someone else.

And even so,

I still can't leave you.

Stand where I stood and tell me the world would feel different to you.
Stand where I stood and watch it all leave.

I dare you to walk the path I have walked, the loves I have loved, the battles I’ve fought.
I want you to share the people I’ve met, sights that I’ve seen, the dreams that I’ve dreamt.
Stand before the flames that I crossed, the pain that I felt, the moments I lost.

I dare you.
You, who criticize me.
You who holds a microscope to all of my faults.

Stand where I stood and watch the world as she leaves you.
Stand where I stood and try to hold it all in.

Because when it is over

You won’t be standing anymore.