I run my hand along the traces of him.
I feel the blood rush through my skin.

I grip my shoulder where your head once rested.
I tear at my soul just to feel connected.

I feel the rage I should have felt eleven months ago,
I feel the desire I ought to forgo.

You were the best of all the others,
Their traces remain, but they weren't even lovers.

And neither were we, almost but not quite,
But you were the closest I have been to the shame free light.

I want to be clean of the stain he left,
I want to be clean of the desire I regret.

But as I look at this mark that you left on me,
I am not so sure I want to be free.

No one knows how long it'll last
But We all have a time limit,
This is why we can't spend too much time on the past,
But we should definitely learn from it.

Whether it be, the things we could have done,
Or the things we regret we did,
We remember those close to us but are now gone.
Kinda makes you wish you could go back to being a kid.

The carefree days,
When everyone was outside and played.
Even as a little me, I knew the people wouldn't always stay
Just made the most of the time i had with people, it was the only way.

But for my dad and I we never had a bond while I was growing up.
Not knowing, and even having a grudge against the man was surely rough.
I just knew, the life I had, it wasn't enough.

I always knew there was something more, something to look forward to.
I knew people would die along the way, but I didn't think it'd be you.
Nothing but a few myspace messages, a hat, and a picture will I have to reminisce
18 years is too long to hold a grudge, after all you n ma were the reason for my genesis.

I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations we had, finding out we have so much in common,
To you telling me how great of a person mom is.
You didn't have to tell me though, it was more for you.
It's too bad you were never here to watch as I grew.

I turned 18 November 2, 2thousand and 8
not a great day, but life was straight.
It was maybe a few months after our 2nd message convo
exactly 2 weeks later and our chances of meeting were no more

Said you wanted to fly me down, maybe around christmas
meet the whole family, clear things up between us.
you didn't say that last 5, but I definitely knew we would've
If the opportunity came up sooner, I definitely knew we could've.

14 days after that birthday
I get blown up on Myspace, to the news that you passed away.
Your sister, and your ex-lover both told me.
I was in shock, a whole range of emotions that no one would see.

Right then I had to write a letter of consent
To grant your wish, to be cremated
Nowhere did i go, or even turn to anyone to vent
Regretting my lifelong grudge, that I had created.

Justin would've done it, but I was the eldest son
Clicked "send" on the fateful email, and my only gift to you was done
Well dad, while you were here I hope you had a lot of fun.
Too bad the stress and the powder ultimately ended your run

I have close friends, that wanted to go with to meet you
It's too unfortunate that your struggle had to defeat you.
We would've kicked it off better than either of us could anticipate
From that point on I knew you'd always be in my life, and participate.

I'm not gonna blame you for anything though, based on what I know now, you were a great person.
The one you never knew, is always gonna be a hurt son,
But i'm not gonna take my life for granted.
I'm gonna appreciate what I have and not fret if things don't go how I planned it.

Not gonna lie though, there's a void that'll never see closure
When I think about you it's sometimes hard to keep composure
You and me, we would've been good for each other.
You'll still live on though, through me, and my brother.

Accepting your loss, affects me more than anyone'll ever know
Can't get stuck, gotta look forward and grow.
It's extremely hard sometimes, but I know I must.
Just like you said on your profile "IN ROD WE TRUST"

Rest in Peace:

Rodney Poehler 12/12/70 - 11/16/2008

And I wish you would know that
I know how you feel.
How I know what you've been through.
And how I've been through it
Too.
Because then we might talk,
Shattering unscratched glass with the first sentence,
"What did you get for Number Seven?"
You would say, "Negative eleven, just factor..."
Maybe one day you'd text me and
Ask what the homework was
Because our teacher didn't tell you
From when you were sick.
And eventually, after tons of small talk,
After "How's the weather?"
Got old,
I could finally tell you
That I know.
I'd tell you that
I'm here, not the fake kind of here,
Which sounds like,
"I-know-and-I'm-here-and-you-can-talk-to-me-goodbye-forever­."
Not like that.
But the kind of here
That asks what ****** about your day,
And sends you links to cat videos,
And the kind of here
That texts you at two in the morning
And asks if you're alright
And doesn't take yes for an answer.

i dont want to die tonight
dont let me
dont let me dont let me
i dont want to go
there are beautiful things here
i dont want to die
but i do
oh how i do
to escape the inevitable before my time
we all die in the end
let me die
let me die let me die
no no no no  no
dont let me die
i dont want that
what will my mother say?
is there even a heaven?
i dont think so
i used to believe in God
until he stopped believing in me.