I just want to cry
To let the tears fall
To wash my soul
To cleanse my mind
To let the damage take its toll

I want to wake up early some morning
At the same time as the sun
And become aware that lying next to me
My love is sleeping soundly
Emanating warmth.
Sleep is a beautiful state
At the intersection of peace and vulnerability
The sleeper breathes with such lightness
As if the weight of the world were on
Anyone's shoulders but his.
Behind his eyelids, I pray for there to be
Only the nicest things to dream
The rays of sunlight tap on the window
My eyes trace the softest features of his body
I long for a kiss, so gentle
But I dare not disturb his slumber.

That was not the experience I wanted to have.
These patterns have to break at some point, this road is barren like the forest where I lost myself.
A cloud of feuding emotions hovers over my head.
I don't know where I'm at or where I've been and everything is a distant haze.
Where does consciousness begin?
This question plagues my brain like a virus trying desperately to leech on to my emotions, manipulating them like a puppet master.
I am just a marionette, hanging from strings, the more I thrash the tighter the knots become, choking me back to reality.
Let me go, I pray, let me go.

Cold and windy, the night sky bleeds
Lamplight reflects warm on scabbing concrete
Cigarette feels small in clammy hands
As I stand in the midst of the end
I notice only what I cannot ignore
I ignore that which is blinding
And in the end, find nothing
Newspaper reads of war, and famine
These things do not concern me
My famine is ending
My war beginning

I thought I did what was right for me, but I wasn't right to do so.
I thought I did what was making me happy, but I wasn't right to be so.
I thought I did what was fun, but I wasn't having fun in doing so.

In thinking I did, I wasn't.
In thinking I was, I didn't.

all of the
above





...eventually