Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
natalie anderson Mar 2013
:) a love story
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Friday, February 4, 2011 at 4:09am

excitably waiting

pure ****** seething out my pores

as i sit next to you lovingly stroking your face

as i watch the blood bubbling out your mouth

dripping down the side of your face

i lean close and softly kiss your cherry lips

it excites me to see you in so much pain

it makes me feel better knowing I'm the one who caused this pain

this is me showing you how much i hurt, how much you've hurt me

bring you to the brink of death

and leave you there

waiting to see if the gods deem you clean enough to show mercy and allow you recover

take my knife and slide it up under your ribcage

i hold your head in my lap and lean in to kiss you again

more blood trickles out your mouth

tastes metallic

tears leak from your eyes

as you look at me not asking why

because you already know

I'm only returning the favors

you've kindly given me

:)
natalie anderson Mar 2013
I am grieving,
yet expected to maintain.
The decorum of my inner self is inky black,
slimy and sticky to the touch.
I fill myself with substance harmful.
I am deadly to the touch.
If you look too long
ill start to decay.
Advert your eyes.
Shoo your children away.
Exquisite in beauty'
Terrifying in demeanor.
The room grows cold when I enter.
Silence all around.
I beg you continue the fun.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for myself.
I only come to.self destruct like you.
For once I was human and needed
Self destruction
Self mutilation
Integrity gone
Empty shell of beauty.
natalie anderson Mar 2013
CONTRADICTORY - n.anderson
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 7:32pm

I'm disposable yet beautiful,

I'm discontent but content,

I'm ***** although cleaner than most.



Constantly I'm waiting for my contradictions to catch up with me.



I'm sick of life yet dying to live,

I cant get up yet I'm flying high,

I'm alive but essential parts of me are dead.



When will my head stop contradicting every feeling every thought?



I'm white but I'm black,

I'm quiet but I'm screaming,

I'm genius but incompetent



There they are again.



I'm happy but sad,

I'm ecstatic but devastated,

I'm constantly grieving but full of life,



Look at them all piling up like skulls in a pile tumbling over themselves.



I laugh but I'm in tears,

I'm lascivious, I am *** but I am distorted and putrid,

I am the essence of light but in the middle I am ink black.



My contradictions i cannot escape.
natalie anderson Aug 2017
Craving more than tangible.

Tendrils of smoke curl around smouldering hearts.
Pleasurable shudders reverberate throughout.
Bodies move with fluid grace.
Coming together like they already know the steps of the dance, like they've danced together before.
Perhaps another life.
Excitement lust and passion shine in their eyes
Souls recognize eachother
Two broken beings coming together for comfort only to realize they are not in fact broken but strong and powerful
Eascences come tovether and meld into one another neither knows where each respectively ends or begins. Nor do they care for its no longer important.
Elations rings out  exploding the body mind and soul as they ley fused for a few breathtaking moments.
As the disentangle they come back to themselves but still connected in a way.
Leaving one another with a piece of themselves in te proccess. Craving more than tangible
Delusion illusion. Or unfeigned authentic.
natalie anderson Aug 2017
Tendrils of smoke curl around smouldering hearts.
Pleasurable shudders reverberate throughout.
Bodies move with fluid grace.
Coming together like they already know the steps of the dance, like they've danced together before.
Perhaps another life.
Excitement lust and passion luminate eyes.
Souls recognize eachother
Two broken beings coming together
beings coming together for comfort only to realize they are not in fact broken but paramount and unyielding.
Essences knit together and meld into one another neither knows where each respectively ends or begins. Nor do they care for its no longer pivitol.
Elation rings out  exploding the body mind and soul as they lay fused for a few breathtaking moments.
As the disentangle they come back to themselves but still connected in a way.
Leaving one another with a piece of themselves in the proccess. Craving more than tangible
Intrinsic
(Craving authentic) edited and revised
natalie anderson Mar 2013
deadbeat
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 10:42am

the knowledge i hold

neatly stacked inside my head

makes me want to *****

and laugh my *** off

disgusted

smells nasty like moonshine

fermented

rotten

taste bites the back of my throat

pulling up unwillingly, bile

clear bitter bile

turn my head and casually spit

**** kid you make me sick

but all i can do is laugh

pitiful

it came down to this
natalie anderson Mar 2013
destruction

in the midst of destruction
there is a glimmer of creation
so small is that light
against a backdrop of darkness
darkness that wants to overcome
wants to obliterate
awareness is the key
awareness nurtures the seedling
enveloping it so its protected
growing in the awareness
is a Pandora's box of
hope
faith
serenity
sobriety
peace
contentedness
and other things of like kind
getting larger
healthier
mutating
into a grandiose idea
soon its a ball of light
if you take the ball and consume it
it will spread within you
giving you the power to overcome
the darkness
natalie anderson Mar 2013
dope no way out
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Wednesday, March 23, 2011 at 3:20pm

Sick of all the weakness and all the pain Sick of all the ******* and the shock in the brain Sick of all the losers and all their lies Sick of all the people that watch you go by You gotta get away But there's no way out No, no, no There's no way out No, no, no Sick of all you ingrates just complain Sick of all the stupid **** you push in my brain Sick of that follow but don't know why Sick of all you ******* and I wish you'd just ******* die You gotta get away But there's no way out No, no, no There's no way out No, no, no Here we go again Sick of all the sorrow Without a doubt I'll be sick of it tomorrow You gotta get away But there's no way out No, no, no There's no way out No, no, no There's no way out
natalie anderson Mar 2013
crying in silence
i know i cant partake
volatile toxic poison
i feel love but its so bruised
and tattered and its not worth
taking out of its box
not worth nurturing
because all it needs
is a bit of friction
and it will explode
not playing that game again
natalie anderson May 2013
fear
overwhelms me
will i go crazy
will i die again
can i handle this

i want this
but i do not want the
fear
natalie anderson Mar 2013
when things go haywire
what is the cause?
when things become chaotic
what is the reason?
when things go terribly wrong
is there more than just actions behind it?
is it a universal message?
when things become right
when if feels good down to you r toes
when your soul feels warm
that's when the world is telling you
your on the right path
and to keep going down
you might stumble
you might fall
but as long as your toes still feel good
and your soul is still warm
your going the right way
natalie anderson Aug 2014
How many times
do I have to look up begging to know why
My prayers and pleas screaming and thrashing against my fracturing hemorrhaged consciousness
As tears surge out my eyes

how many times
do I have to lay here abandoned
Your touch your warmth your comfort an undeniable desideratum
When you're ice cold right next to me refusing to acknowledge me.

I start to inwardly convulse and collapse
I want to scream
I can feel myself fracture, shatter and rupture.

I want to smear my own ****** handprints over my face and tear out my hair
Lay down on the floor bleeding,  pumping direct out my heart
My love my sorrow my fears and my heartbreak, a thick miasma.

How many times
do I have to implore the moon not to take you away from me
even as I'm Told and Assured I'm Unwanted,
Leaving is an incomprehensible, inconceivable, fantastical CONCEPT
The horror and the fear and the pain at the thought overcomes and overwhelms me like dismal leaden shroud.

My fingers itch for a blade
to come do the work
To etch on my arms
Red vivid proof that I'm hurt

How many times
I don't want to die but I beg for death
I plead with the Man as he refutes me with every Un breath
I beat on his chest telling him I can't go on
Not without you, without you a moment would be too long.
:'c
natalie anderson Mar 2013
my promises are not empty
but still words mean nothing
the voices assure me i am hated
an epic fail
so far everything its said,
is true
but if i want to set my star ablaze
i cant listen to the darkness
i stand
knees quaking
soul shuddering
and tell the dark
that it is wrong about me
somehow
someway
i will set my star to an
incandescent
radiant
glowing bright
god ****** blaze
even if it kills me
natalie anderson Apr 2013
sitting inside my head
thinking, contemplating
wondering what could be
SLASH
thoughts ripped through my mind
violently, unforgiving
the anger disperses slowly
anger from the interruption
now things are lurking
in the shadows
the corners of my mind
becoming more and more
courageous
now dashing in front of me
with no abandon
in my inner face
snarling
growling
clawing
gnawing
at my being, in my head
laughing as i go insane
and overjoyed that im now
out of my mind
natalie anderson Mar 2013
who would have thought
that after dancing
with the devil himself
exploring the depths of hell
then searching every corner
crevice and valley
of the abyss
we'd make it out
no one actually expected us to make it
let along alive
natalie anderson Mar 2013
i can see the bottom
ive been there
i dont want to go back
i can see the top
ive been there
i strive to reach for it
its out of reach, just barely
if only i had a stepping stone
only i dont
i only have my body
breaking fingernails
trying to climb
scraping knees and elbows
will i make it?
i hope so
going down is no longer an option
how i wish it was
i wish i could drop
i whisper to the dark
"what do i do?"
no reply
keep climbing
eventually ill get out of this hole
not soon enough
at least i can see light this time
and theres a hand at the top
once i get there hell help me up
but i have to get there first
he shouts words of encouragement
as i slip
continue onward and upward
as i die inside
i keep headed up
perhaps ill make it back up
i hope so.
natalie anderson May 2014
This is only a minor distraction
From the chaos I call my life
Going in circles
Trying desperately to break the cycle
I will never make the same mistakes
I took yours and learned from them
As well as my own.


N.Anderson
natalie anderson Mar 2013
Mr..Man, im watching you
rake your leaves like a facade
hiding behind your piles
smelling of onions
sit in smoke
watch it unfurl from my ears
we see math
eye holes
where are my eyes?
i fed them gave them to the shake
blind but feels everything
more smoke
inhale mud
cold
painless
blind
death
denied by the wretched
i am wretched
poison makes happy faces
behind my lids
pots and pans set up like a drum kit
wooden spoons
death
hungry mailboxes waiting
for the man
open toothy smiles
the two wheeled monster
inhabited by green monkeys
forever pedaling making the rounds
smoke almost at the end waiting
for the death smush
embers cooling like my coffee
wooded thrones
noisy mechanical birdss
death wish falling out of the air
found it hiding by myself
in the quiet hole
prolonged by love
soon it shall die
natalie anderson Apr 2013
Im trapped
Chained to the floor by my ankles
Bound with y hands behind my back
Naked, exposed
But I can see clearly
Im watching him fearfully with delight
Carefully choosing the instruments of my demise
He selects a thin knife from his bag of tricks
He thinks he has the upper hand but he does not
For he does not know, how could he, that I thrive on pain
He is my torturer
The man who will give me the most pleasure as he kills me
Walking towards me I shiver in anticipation
And brace myself for his assault
He ***** is fist and suddenly I taste blood
My mouth fills, coppery warm trickles down my face
Repeatedly he hits me in the face, stomach, and chest
My face stings, my core is throbbing and my chest is sore
Hes pulling up my eyelids as I open my eyes
I cant help it, I smile
It’s a wicked grin that makes him take a step back in confusion
I hear myself asking for more
Hes stunned and surprised
I can only imagine him thinking ‘what kind of monster did I abduct?’
He comes back to me
This time with his thin knife
He starts to carve up my skin
Hes going nuts, I think hes as excited as I am
My skin is a piece of art
An intricate ****** piece of lace
He has me on the floor
Straddling my stomach as he looks at my face, into my eyes
I can physically see and feel his excitement growing
Me all cut up ****** and bruised is a turn on for him
He fumbles with his zipper and proceeds to **** me
(but is it **** if you enjoy it?)
Hes biting
My neck, shoulders and *******
Really taking chunks out
His hands around my throat
I feel myself fading as he rages on
Its to the point where my vision is black
And I can see white spots
I hear a ringing in my ears
I feel my chest convulsing
As I suffocate
Just as I drift off into death I feel his ******.
natalie anderson Mar 2013
cry cuz it feels good
smile cuz your hurt
laugh cuz your dying
scream silently cuz no ones listening
tell them your fine cuz no one can tell the difference
tell them your okay cuz really your not
they only ask to be polite
they dont really care
keep it inside
let it decay
your already dying inside
it doesnt matter anyway
cant **** yourself cuz everyones watching
people rely on you
dont want to hurt anyone
even tho they hurt you
harden up *****
make a ****** shell
dont let it crack
dont let it crack
dont let it crack
dont be weak
show no emotion
natalie anderson Mar 2013
expected to be sane
in an insane life
expected to do well
in impossible situations
expected to maintain
while under duress
expected to carry on
after an unexpected loss
just a few
in a sea of expectations
with not relief from any of the pain
no wonder people **** themselves
natalie anderson Mar 2013
not suicidal lol
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Friday, February 4, 2011 at 3:49am

plotting my own demise

waiting to be surprised

tired of all the lies

watching as he dies

you meant everything

staring at the sun

sun spots clouding my vision

red haze

fury and rage

locked in this eternal cage

anger so high i cannot gage

if looks could ******* ****

as i take the next handful of pills

thinking of you makes me ill

scraping my fist against your grill

i dont know what to think of you

holding my breath turning blue

you used to be my steadfast glue

i should have expected this

its nothing new

i love to hate

and

i hate to love

am i holding on to only wisps?

you in my mind is something ive missed

there yet unattainable

i cant count on you to remain stable

whats a girl supposed to do?

when she constantly comes unglued

due to only you?
natalie anderson May 2016
youre so warm
your tendrils touch with fiery kisses
each tip caresses my skin
you are the embodiment of safety
your love fills me to the brim
I slowly fall asleep in your embrace

eyes lidded
catching myself before I fall
snapped awake
you make me feel so good yet guilty
your touch starts to feel *****
without you I fall ill
I know what you are now
you're my favorite parasite

gorging on my morality
I need you, I want you, I crave you
without you my safety is gone
exposed as I am to the masses
I cant extract you from my veins
why did I let you in?
if I could trap you in a box and seal the lid,
I would
my favorite parasite

once loved and cherished
now feared and despised
without you I feel nothing
without you I am cold
I seek the light the warmth
the safe place you once put me
I reach for the sun
I pull myself up
face turned to the new warmth like a flower
a fiery heat without you
I cut you out
my favorite parasite

I found a new drug
a new day
a new love
and it is not you
it is clean
stark white
shiny
a new warmth a new light
sobriety
natalie anderson Mar 2013
flowers dont shed tears
but i do
maybe because a flowers beauty
compares nothing to my own
they are perfect
i, am not
i am nothing like a flower
i am
a liability
a **** up
a burden
i try and make things right
nothing works
theres nothing i can do
i am faced with ultimatums
against things humans do by nature
i am alone
no matter how i try and surround myself with people
all i want i feel i can never have
stability
normality
**** it
i dont know why i try so hard
i feel as if my efforts are fruitless
natalie anderson May 2014
Spectacular Disaster
N. Anderson

Standing on a bridge aflame
Watch her as she burns
On her face the heat and hurt
Brings you to your knees in shame
Wallowing in her demise
She will never learn
Trust is such a fragile thing  
She's just seen through all the lies    
She's a beautiful disaster
There is no hope left in her eyes
natalie anderson Mar 2013
Losing stars
One by one
The night sky threatens to twinkle out
Losing stars
One by one
I think the world may be on its way out
Losing stars
One by one
We're disappearing! We may have to shout
Losing stars
One by one
I think our creator is giving up
Losing stars
One by one
Maybe we should start to pay attention.
natalie anderson Mar 2013
"i still feel you on the inside biting through and stinging will i ever forget to remember?"
cautiously looking over the rim of this hole
open up the inside
once again i am sinking
the things in this hole
are pulling like quicksand
******* at my legs
the more you struggle
the faster you sink
what happened to caution?
i can feel them biting
it hurts
make them stop
tearing the flesh from the bone
into strips
not bothering to eat it
just dropping it
and going for
next piece
flesh all gone
teeth into muscle
stripping
tearing
there is one sitting on my chest
gnawing
trying to get to my heart
i don't have the energy
to pull it off anymore
i don't have the energy
to scream
tears flowing down my face
silently accepting my fate
whats wrong with me?
why don't i fight?
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE
THAT'S WHY
natalie anderson Mar 2013
STOP!
wading around in my oatmeal your feet are too big and i fear you'll break the bowl
mouthword form NASTY!vendettas
hot mud
sluicing through your fingers in and around the cup
SQUELCH!
drink it eat it smear it all over your face
DO NOT
hunt snakes for they will eat your brains like the paint you really are
in your ear
PILE DRIVE IT
get your anger out
be happy
feet make smiles on the floor
dancing away from you till you fall on your face
with a thump
OUCH
feet dancing on dragging all around the house
into the bathroom
down the stairs
BUMP BUMP BUMP
out the door
down the street
and into the oatmeal
GET OUT OF MY ******* OATMEAL!!!!!
all we want to do is eat your brains.
natalie anderson May 2014
You don't have any power over me
With your threats of withholding love and support
You lie and say you have no feelings
When the world knows that that's not true
Your just too mentally immature to handle them
I'm sorry for your loss
Emotions are powerful and somewhat liberating
We all need to grow up sometime
You need to learn your threats will mean nothing
Once I figure out how to let them hold no power over me
I will be free
natalie anderson Apr 2013
Torture
n. Anderson

sitting in the chair
unable to see
what im about to do to you
i can see the tears
streaming down
staining your cheeks so beautifully
your crying has gotten you
congested and your tears are
mixing with your spit and snot
making a mess out of your
lovely face
your gag is tight and
secure
i have no fear that anyone will hear
your cries
you can hear a persistent  scraping sound
what you dont know is that its me
sharpening my knife to a deadly
edge
you suddenly feel a cold sensation against your throat
its my knife
pressing hard enough to draw blood but
not hard enough to ****
your hands struggle against the way ive bound them
your desperate
silently screaming
strangled gurgles is all that
comes out
i put my foot in between your legs
and kick the chair backwards
standing over you i feel i have all the power
i take off the blindfold
the look in your eyes
the fear the desperation the sheer panic
turns me on
makes me want blood
so I cut through your shirt drawing
unknown symbols into your
chest
the deeper I cut the more frenzied I get
blood lust
I need more blood
Sitting on your chest
I take my hand and force your chin up and back
Exposing the insignificant playful scratches
From earlier
All I want is to tear your throat out with
My teeth
But that’s not ladylike
So I must make do with what ive got
Your neck exposed
I take my knife
Place the point under your jawline
Below your ear, on the left side
And I push the knife in like ****** being *****
And drag it across your throat
Right through your adams apple
I slit your ear to ear but im not done
I reach my hand into your throat
And tear out your esophagus
natalie anderson Mar 2013
feels like numb, does numb have a feeling? yeah like pins and needles, pins and needles, pins and needles. pins in your pocket and needles in your arm. looking out the crack in the wall. afraid to venture out cuz you know that the minute you do some one will slit your throat, right up behind you and give you a red smile.then where will you be? in a red river washed up dried up made of ash, gust of wind can blow you away. looking down as you float  thru the air settling on roof tops making this ***** with your soot.  spread so thin like butter on toast fat free and free of insects quench your thirst on this stream of words spilling out my mouth like a fountain mildly manic depressingly sober sitting on the couch drinking mud and listening to tunes emanating from the floor destination unknown physical or mentally crying for something that is not with in reach unspecified specifications

— The End —