deadbeat
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 10:42am

the knowledge i hold

neatly stacked inside my head

makes me want to *****

and laugh my *** off

disgusted

smells nasty like moonshine

fermented

rotten

taste bites the back of my throat

pulling up unwillingly, bile

clear bitter bile

turn my head and casually spit

**** kid you make me sick

but all i can do is laugh

pitiful

it came down to this

CONTRADICTORY - n.anderson
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 7:32pm

I'm disposable yet beautiful,

I'm discontent but content,

I'm ***** although cleaner than most.



Constantly I'm waiting for my contradictions to catch up with me.



I'm sick of life yet dying to live,

I cant get up yet I'm flying high,

I'm alive but essential parts of me are dead.



When will my head stop contradicting every feeling every thought?



I'm white but I'm black,

I'm quiet but I'm screaming,

I'm genius but incompetent



There they are again.



I'm happy but sad,

I'm ecstatic but devastated,

I'm constantly grieving but full of life,



Look at them all piling up like skulls in a pile tumbling over themselves.



I laugh but I'm in tears,

I'm lascivious, I am *** but I am distorted and putrid,

I am the essence of light but in the middle I am ink black.



My contradictions i cannot escape.

not suicidal lol
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Friday, February 4, 2011 at 3:49am

plotting my own demise

waiting to be surprised

tired of all the lies

watching as he dies

you meant everything

staring at the sun

sun spots clouding my vision

red haze

fury and rage

locked in this eternal cage

anger so high i cannot gage

if looks could ******* ****

as i take the next handful of pills

thinking of you makes me ill

scraping my fist against your grill

i dont know what to think of you

holding my breath turning blue

you used to be my steadfast glue

i should have expected this

its nothing new

i love to hate

and

i hate to love

am i holding on to only wisps?

you in my mind is something ive missed

there yet unattainable

i cant count on you to remain stable

whats a girl supposed to do?

when she constantly comes unglued

due to only you?

destruction

in the midst of destruction
there is a glimmer of creation
so small is that light
against a backdrop of darkness
darkness that wants to overcome
wants to obliterate
awareness is the key
awareness nurtures the seedling
enveloping it so its protected
growing in the awareness
is a Pandora's box of
hope
faith
serenity
sobriety
peace
contentedness
and other things of like kind
getting larger
healthier
mutating
into a grandiose idea
soon its a ball of light
if you take the ball and consume it
it will spread within you
giving you the power to overcome
the darkness

dope no way out
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Wednesday, March 23, 2011 at 3:20pm

Sick of all the weakness and all the pain Sick of all the ******* and the shock in the brain Sick of all the losers and all their lies Sick of all the people that watch you go by You gotta get away But there's no way out No, no, no There's no way out No, no, no Sick of all you ingrates just complain Sick of all the stupid **** you push in my brain Sick of that follow but don't know why Sick of all you ******* and I wish you'd just ******* die You gotta get away But there's no way out No, no, no There's no way out No, no, no Here we go again Sick of all the sorrow Without a doubt I'll be sick of it tomorrow You gotta get away But there's no way out No, no, no There's no way out No, no, no There's no way out

sitting inside my head
thinking, contemplating
wondering what could be
SLASH
thoughts ripped through my mind
violently, unforgiving
the anger disperses slowly
anger from the interruption
now things are lurking
in the shadows
the corners of my mind
becoming more and more
courageous
now dashing in front of me
with no abandon
in my inner face
snarling
growling
clawing
gnawing
at my being, in my head
laughing as i go insane
and overjoyed that im now
out of my mind

:) a love story
by Natalie Elizabeth (Notes) on Friday, February 4, 2011 at 4:09am

excitably waiting

pure ****** seething out my pores

as i sit next to you lovingly stroking your face

as i watch the blood bubbling out your mouth

dripping down the side of your face

i lean close and softly kiss your cherry lips

it excites me to see you in so much pain

it makes me feel better knowing I'm the one who caused this pain

this is me showing you how much i hurt, how much you've hurt me

bring you to the brink of death

and leave you there

waiting to see if the gods deem you clean enough to show mercy and allow you recover

take my knife and slide it up under your ribcage

i hold your head in my lap and lean in to kiss you again

more blood trickles out your mouth

tastes metallic

tears leak from your eyes

as you look at me not asking why

because you already know

I'm only returning the favors

you've kindly given me

:)

I am grieving,
yet expected to maintain.
The decorum of my inner self is inky black,
slimy and sticky to the touch.
I fill myself with substance harmful.
I am deadly to the touch.
If you look too long
ill start to decay.
Advert your eyes.
Shoo your children away.
Exquisite in beauty'
Terrifying in demeanor.
The room grows cold when I enter.
Silence all around.
I beg you continue the fun.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for myself.
I only come to.self destruct like you.
For once I was human and needed
Self destruction
Self mutilation
Integrity gone
Empty shell of beauty.

cry cuz it feels good
smile cuz your hurt
laugh cuz your dying
scream silently cuz no ones listening
tell them your fine cuz no one can tell the difference
tell them your okay cuz really your not
they only ask to be polite
they dont really care
keep it inside
let it decay
your already dying inside
it doesnt matter anyway
cant **** yourself cuz everyones watching
people rely on you
dont want to hurt anyone
even tho they hurt you
harden up *****
make a ****** shell
dont let it crack
dont let it crack
dont let it crack
dont be weak
show no emotion

crying in silence
i know i cant partake
volatile toxic poison
i feel love but its so bruised
and tattered and its not worth
taking out of its box
not worth nurturing
because all it needs
is a bit of friction
and it will explode
not playing that game again

"i still feel you on the inside biting through and stinging will i ever forget to remember?"
cautiously looking over the rim of this hole
open up the inside
once again i am sinking
the things in this hole
are pulling like quicksand
******* at my legs
the more you struggle
the faster you sink
what happened to caution?
i can feel them biting
it hurts
make them stop
tearing the flesh from the bone
into strips
not bothering to eat it
just dropping it
and going for
next piece
flesh all gone
teeth into muscle
stripping
tearing
there is one sitting on my chest
gnawing
trying to get to my heart
i don't have the energy
to pull it off anymore
i don't have the energy
to scream
tears flowing down my face
silently accepting my fate
whats wrong with me?
why don't i fight?
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE
THAT'S WHY

Im trapped
Chained to the floor by my ankles
Bound with y hands behind my back
Naked, exposed
But I can see clearly
Im watching him fearfully with delight
Carefully choosing the instruments of my demise
He selects a thin knife from his bag of tricks
He thinks he has the upper hand but he does not
For he does not know, how could he, that I thrive on pain
He is my torturer
The man who will give me the most pleasure as he kills me
Walking towards me I shiver in anticipation
And brace myself for his assault
He ***** is fist and suddenly I taste blood
My mouth fills, coppery warm trickles down my face
Repeatedly he hits me in the face, stomach, and chest
My face stings, my core is throbbing and my chest is sore
Hes pulling up my eyelids as I open my eyes
I cant help it, I smile
It’s a wicked grin that makes him take a step back in confusion
I hear myself asking for more
Hes stunned and surprised
I can only imagine him thinking ‘what kind of monster did I abduct?’
He comes back to me
This time with his thin knife
He starts to carve up my skin
Hes going nuts, I think hes as excited as I am
My skin is a piece of art
An intricate ****** piece of lace
He has me on the floor
Straddling my stomach as he looks at my face, into my eyes
I can physically see and feel his excitement growing
Me all cut up ****** and bruised is a turn on for him
He fumbles with his zipper and proceeds to **** me
(but is it **** if you enjoy it?)
Hes biting
My neck, shoulders and *******
Really taking chunks out
His hands around my throat
I feel myself fading as he rages on
Its to the point where my vision is black
And I can see white spots
I hear a ringing in my ears
I feel my chest convulsing
As I suffocate
Just as I drift off into death I feel his ******.

Spectacular Disaster
N. Anderson

Standing on a bridge aflame
Watch her as she burns
On her face the heat and hurt
Brings you to your knees in shame
Wallowing in her demise
She will never learn
Trust is such a fragile thing  
She's just seen through all the lies    
She's a beautiful disaster
There is no hope left in her eyes

feels like numb, does numb have a feeling? yeah like pins and needles, pins and needles, pins and needles. pins in your pocket and needles in your arm. looking out the crack in the wall. afraid to venture out cuz you know that the minute you do some one will slit your throat, right up behind you and give you a red smile.then where will you be? in a red river washed up dried up made of ash, gust of wind can blow you away. looking down as you float  thru the air settling on roof tops making this ***** with your soot.  spread so thin like butter on toast fat free and free of insects quench your thirst on this stream of words spilling out my mouth like a fountain mildly manic depressingly sober sitting on the couch drinking mud and listening to tunes emanating from the floor destination unknown physical or mentally crying for something that is not with in reach unspecified specifications

who would have thought
that after dancing
with the devil himself
exploring the depths of hell
then searching every corner
crevice and valley
of the abyss
we'd make it out
no one actually expected us to make it
let along alive

Mr..Man, im watching you
rake your leaves like a facade
hiding behind your piles
smelling of onions
sit in smoke
watch it unfurl from my ears
we see math
eye holes
where are my eyes?
i fed them gave them to the shake
blind but feels everything
more smoke
inhale mud
cold
painless
blind
death
denied by the wretched
i am wretched
poison makes happy faces
behind my lids
pots and pans set up like a drum kit
wooden spoons
death
hungry mailboxes waiting
for the man
open toothy smiles
the two wheeled monster
inhabited by green monkeys
forever pedaling making the rounds
smoke almost at the end waiting
for the death smush
embers cooling like my coffee
wooded thrones
noisy mechanical birdss
death wish falling out of the air
found it hiding by myself
in the quiet hole
prolonged by love
soon it shall die

STOP!
wading around in my oatmeal your feet are too big and i fear you'll break the bowl
mouthword form NASTY!vendettas
hot mud
sluicing through your fingers in and around the cup
SQUELCH!
drink it eat it smear it all over your face
DO NOT
hunt snakes for they will eat your brains like the paint you really are
in your ear
PILE DRIVE IT
get your anger out
be happy
feet make smiles on the floor
dancing away from you till you fall on your face
with a thump
OUCH
feet dancing on dragging all around the house
into the bathroom
down the stairs
BUMP BUMP BUMP
out the door
down the street
and into the oatmeal
GET OUT OF MY ******* OATMEAL!!!!!
all we want to do is eat your brains.

expected to be sane
in an insane life
expected to do well
in impossible situations
expected to maintain
while under duress
expected to carry on
after an unexpected loss
just a few
in a sea of expectations
with not relief from any of the pain
no wonder people **** themselves

my promises are not empty
but still words mean nothing
the voices assure me i am hated
an epic fail
so far everything its said,
is true
but if i want to set my star ablaze
i cant listen to the darkness
i stand
knees quaking
soul shuddering
and tell the dark
that it is wrong about me
somehow
someway
i will set my star to an
incandescent
radiant
glowing bright
god ****** blaze
even if it kills me

You don't have any power over me
With your threats of withholding love and support
You lie and say you have no feelings
When the world knows that that's not true
Your just too mentally immature to handle them
I'm sorry for your loss
Emotions are powerful and somewhat liberating
We all need to grow up sometime
You need to learn your threats will mean nothing
Once I figure out how to let them hold no power over me
I will be free