What leaving high school feels like to me
I woke up this morning in tears because it is Monday and I should have been getting ready for school
Then I poured my coffee to the top of the cup of course and I cried again because she taught me to pour so much coffee into a cup that you cannot even carry it
Then I sat down and lit a cigarette with tears because I clearly remember our cigarette-coffee sessions
Then I looked at my phone and it was 9:30 AM and I cried again because at that time we used to sit in the school hall watching people walk around
Then I opened messenger and I saw my texts with him and I remembered how we used to text everyday for the past couple of weeks I knew exactly what he was doing and where he was so I cried again because it never will be like that again
Then I turned on Spotify and the songs that he sent me started playing
Then I remebered last week and how we all were still together, partying, talking, having fun and I cried again

Children were running around
and she was sitting across
studying biology
So close but yet so far
With a cigarette in my right hand
I was reading cheap poetry
and thinking about life
Thinking 'bout our differences
How even thought we told each other everything
She still couldn't comprehend
the emptiness in my soul.

Love is in the air.
I guess I can't breathe.  
Or be inhaled?
I've been watching couples,
with my eyes closed.
Jealous.
My heart is desperate for love.
And yet I'm sitting here alone,
waiting for a text message.

I always ask myself this question.
Why can’t I be happy?

People say that happiness is a choice.
I choose to be happy.
I f*cking choose to be happy!

I guess it doesn’t work like that.
Well, people say a lot of things.

They say that I am in my best years.
If this is best then I don’t even wanna know what comes next.

I am angry with myself
for not being able to enjoy this **** of a life.

My my, I never would have imagined this.
That someone could **** so much at living.

Do you ever feel so messy that you can’t even write about it?
Does your heart ever feel so full of emotions that you are not able to concentrate on anything else?
Does your head ever feel like it is going to explode from all the thoughts?
Do you ever want to talk to a person so badly and they are just not there for you?
Does it make you wanna scream?

Yesterday
I was too much
Too loud
Too crazy
Too loving
Too confident
Too open
Too happy
You didn’t like it
So today
I am nothing at all

My life is all about
Wanting to be heard
But not saying a ****