i can't remember the day we first met
but i can remember the first time we kissed
and you walked away
as i stood there and fought with all I had
to not scream and dance around in circles

i don't remember the first thing
you ever said to me
but i can remember how
when i sat in a hospital bed
and the nurses were drawing blood from
the crazy girl with sad eyes,
you told me that you thought
that i was the most amazing girl you'd ever met

i can't remember what you were wearing
when i first saw you
but i can remember how mesmerizing you looked
in the black suit your wore that night
when i realized i was falling for you

and i can't remember what event it was exactly
that brought you to me
but it was the best thing
that's ever happened to me

because now i have you.

You reach out a helping hand
as you try to understand
the fleeting thoughts that fill my head
of pretty flowers now dead

You want nothing more than to make me better
but I only see your eyes get wetter.
The desperation in your face
looks to me like burned lace.

I am sorry this is what I’ve caused,
everyone’s happiness has been paused.
I didn’t mean to make you hurt
staring at your ripped out heart laying in the dirt.

You only want to know what’s wrong
why my life sounds like a sad song.
Do you see what I’ve done?
My mind has plagued everyone.

I’m really am trying, please know
that one day my demons will be let go.
And even if that isn’t true,
a piece of my soul still fights for you.

So wipe your eyes and lift your head
I am not completely dead
Times of darkness will come and go
But I will always love you so.

Take caution when you peel back
the layers of my skull
and look inside my mind

The human psyche manages to be, perhaps
simultaneously
the most dangerous
and the most breathtaking
place to visit.

It houses every part of a person.

And not all of those parts are ones
we want to see.

There lives the nightmares,
the self hatred,
the pain,
the hollowed out shapes that were once called
hope.

It’s too late to turn now
shut the lid and
walk away pretending you saw nothing
until you believe it.
You are held in place
forced to watch as the black swirls
consume that person.

But even worse,
are the light parts.
The pieces of them still
filled with color
and signs of life.
The fire,
the innocence,
the good that refuse to be
taken.

Worse are these parts because
they force you to realize,
as you watch them try to survive,
that no matter their will to live,
blackness will always cover up light.

And as soon as you understand this,
a piece of your own mind
fades to black.

The melody of her soul
one dark, and hauntingly unwhole
played incessantly in her brain
she remembered no time she felt sane.

Baby girl what happened here?
The tragic end is inescapably near.
The fire that kept you going is almost out
not enough care left to voice a shout.

Playing like a record on repeat
your fragmented mind you couldn’t beat.
No one knows how hard you tried
but sleep tight sweet angel, you no longer have to hide.

****** tear filled nights no longer ahead
you can rest now that you’re dead.

I woke up
alone
feelings of
cold
and
isolation
surrounded me in a haze

My eyes were open
yet the world was still dark.

It was so dark.

Dark enough to make me forget that
light had ever existed.

How had I gotten to this place?
I had no answer.
Maybe there was no answer.
Perhaps I was always
fated
to land in this location.

Alas,
my eyes land on a flickering in the distance.
A diminutive glow
contrasted by the vast night.

The curiosity of it
commands my legs to go towards it,
while something else,
something nameless,
warns me to stop.

But human nature can not be overridden.

Now,
in perspective,
I see a scene playing out
familiar to the
back-most parts of my brain.

A memory.

Myself as a little girl.
I watch myself draw.
What am I drawing?

I am drawing a butterfly,
every color of the rainbow
can be seen in it’s wings.

They resemble the smile on her face.
Wonder and innocence and ambition.
Life in it’s purest form.

And watching her, my heart warms.
She has everything to live for.
Her eyes filled with brightness
give me hope.

And with no warning at all,
the little girl is gone.
In her place is a girl,
still me,
slightly older now.
Perhaps around 11 years old.

I am still drawing the butterfly.
And it’s still vibrant with color.
And I still have hope.

Even when the shadows
tap on my shoulders,
telling me,
“No. It’s wrong.”
I still have hope.
Only questioning myself
for a fleeting moment.

And while I should be proud,
watching myself turn away
from those monsters,
I feel only a feeling of
blackness
enter the pit of my stomach.

Because I know how this story ends.

And like I foreshadow in my head,
the scene morphs again.
And this time,
the eyes,
the brown ones,
that used to reflect light off of their innocence,
are dead.
And the butterfly is now only two colors.
One is black,
outlining it’s hollow carcass.
The other is red.
The shade of red that didn’t come out of a paint bottle.

And before I can allow
any emotion to enter me,
the scene is gone again,
and replaced.

But this time there is no girl,
only a stone with her name and
a few dates carved into it.
The butterfly is still there though.
It lays in a box 6 feet under.

Run away with me*

Sometimes
Late at night,
When I lay alone
Aching to feel the absolute electricity
Of you pressed against me.

I think about things that
Aren't exactly pretty.
Like how I forget how to feel sometimes.
And how I might never be ok.
And how hurt can completely consume me
Whenever it choses too.

But then I remember
The way your eyes looked into mine
And I felt ok again.
How the light reflected off of them,
And I felt like a piece of myself,
One I thought was gone forever,
Came back to me in that moment.

Our souls entertwined so
intricately
That no one would ever
Be able to disconnect them.

And the darkness still consumes me at times
And I still don't know if
I'll ever be really ok,
But
I want to try to be,
For you.

Can you call it love

When even though you haven't even known them for the time it would take for the earth to orbit the sun, you feel like they've been there for your complete existence?

Can you call it love

When your body aches in the absence of them?

Can you call it love

When they've become a vital part of you, that if taken away, you would not survive without?

Can you call it love

When you look at them and are wholly overwhelmed with the warmth in your heart that their image brings?

Can you call it love

When nothing else in the world matters as much as their happiness?

Can you call it love

When you become so intertwined that you can't even remember where they end and you begin?

Can you call it love?