they say time is precious
so don't waste yours on me
not me, never me
we're all getting tired of me
so wrap your time
and fold it into a napkin
with your name and number
so at least i can hover
over your contact at 4am
pretending you would pick up
if i ever called
i'm either too close or too distant
either obsessed or disinterested
i'm rapidly switching between extremes
but for some reason
i've never grown tired of you

for once, someone left me
before i could leave them.

was compliant
but wanted to be defiant
unsure of her alliance
so she stayed in her compliance
she stayed in her silence
on her man did she stay reliant
to keep quiet was her only assignment
her boyfriend was her tyrant
her own identity was a lie and
as she saw the horizon
she became a lion;
and rid herself of her relationship

triumphant.

alarmed waves crash down
as metal screens slam shut
my brain suddenly darkens
body still, frozen in panic
fractured light breaks into a multitude of
mocking fireflies; taunting my vision with their rapid movement
images transition to harsh duplicates, swaying back and forth
eyes unfocused and darting
where's the esca p  e? i n   e  e   d t  o es    c  a        p       e
my words are drifting away from me
i'm going to die
i'm going to die
draw in short harsh breaths
that wrack my lungs
shaking with fear
i'll die here
in this hospital room
the heart monitor going wild
beeps personified
to lead me into the darkness

screams scraping their way
out of my abused throat
terrified; raw and primal
pale lines clawed across my cheeks
nails jagged and bitten down
hangnails pulled to reveal
red, vulnerable flesh
coughs wracking my sick form
head thrashing, gasping pants heaving slim chest
up and down, up and down

an image taunts my vision
a picture of two serene people,
so totally in love you can feel it from the photograph
clammy hands desperately reach for it
reach for you, the imaginary version
the one where my arms wont grab at air when reaching for a hug
where my hands wont curl into fists
at seeing you love everyone but me
where broken sobs dont echo through the empty bathroom
and bile doesnt get flushed down the toilet
where i am not so isgusting
where you do not despise me

you're not mine to keep
nor the one to blame
but still,
this love is driving me ******* insane.

don't
spend so much time
taking things at face value
brash and decisive
rather
spend more time
delving deeper and standing by the sidelines
silent and deadly.

force your lips upwards
show your teeth in a gray imitation of happiness
it feels natural after
years of acting practice
to just pretend
you love the people here
you love living
you love being a person
you love life
smile happily because if you don't
you won't survive.

s stands for the way you stood
   looking at my face as if it were the most disgusting thing you'd ever
   seen
   cuts marring my face and
   blood dripping down my cheek
   despite how much i tried to make myself beautiful for you
u stands for the way you spat useless
   followed by a vicious smack resounding around the room that was ours
   im sorry i didnt know you were coming home so early please give me
   10 minutes ill make dinner for you then how about you watch the game
   for now? please stop hurting me i dont know what happened to you
i stands for the way you innocently
   claimed that i was the reason for all our hardships
   and the reason for why our son had committed suicide
   acting as if you hadnt abused him until the day he died
   while i lay on the floor, passed out
d stands for the way you delighted
   in watching the basketball game while i had a panic attack in the corner
   shivering and whimpering for you to please help me my medicines in
   the medicine cabinet, please, please, please i think im dying, please,
   wouldn't someone save me?
a stands for the way you accidentally
   hit me the first night
   and then the second
   and then the third
   and then every day until
   you didnt even bother to call it an accident anymore
l stands for the way you left
   without a single regret
   leaving me, your once-beautiful wife
   destroyed by you
suicidal stands for the way you
   shattered me into a million pieces
   and forever fractured my identity

speak up against abuse.

the word "special"
can be used to mean
incredibly different things

when she was called special
after her first performance
while being handed a giant bouquet
of vibrant flowers and candy
her smile stretched from end to end
cheeks pink and blushing
and stood proud as the audience called for an encore

when he was called special
after fumbling the ball for ---
what, the fourth time in a row?---
his chest felt hollow
and he chuckled along anxiously
with the rest of his team
who were laughing raucously

when she was called special
after releasing her first album
the world was announcing her name
'The Next Big Thing'
she was used to it
flipped her hair
and wondered what
normal people were like
and pitied them

when he was called special
after being called in by his counselor
who added that
he wouldn't be able to graduate
his face fell
even though he was used to being
called special
as he walked out of the school
letter to his mother in hand
he wondered what normal people were like
and envied them

starstruck your
galaxy enveloped my lungs
filled them with nebulas
and made my heart glow

starstruck your
hands made my eyes glimmer
as they looked through a telescope
searching through the skies
until they found you

starstruck your
quiet voice burst through my soul
your words a supernova that
made my cheeks burn
and a shy smile appear
as we watched the skies together
a comet above
and,
starstruck your
lips met mine
as we embraced under the moon.

perhaps it was that little motion
one singular word read
perhaps it was the endless
click clack of the keys
whatever it was
my mind’s stuck
for whatever reason,
individual thought cannot sprout
for the time being,
i attempt poems with no metaphors
poems with no style
bland and unappealing,
but at least they’re poems
i wait for the return of my
creative plants
maybe they are not in season
and i must wait for them again
i read and write
but with no purpose behind them
no drive or spark
to paint the pictures that i wish to express
weeds of static have taken place
of my storytelling and imagery flowers
they sprout in the wrong places
they do not let me think
perhaps
i have trapped myself in this position
subconsciously forcing my mind back into
submissive monotony
maybe tomorrow
i will be unstuck

how bright can a star
shine until its fluorescent
heart explodes to dust?

god,
don't romanticize my scars
the crisscross reminder of my past sorry
agony and nightmares
silvery-white and healed long since
accepted but not loved
don't spout metaphors
on how you can cure me--because you can't
don't romanticize my mental illness
but be my right hand man
when i do war against it.

slowly, anxiously
sinking teeth into orange flesh
applying tension until
Pop!
tangy sweetness explodes
flooding and covering eager tongues
delicate seeds emerging,
juice-soaked and round
wide grins and sticky hands
first tangerines of the summer

twisted hearts
malnourished and desperate for love
find solace in each other
reaching out with longing
not for each other,
but for a semblance of affection
sick in their selfishness
quietly resenting themselves for their hunger
satisfy physical needs
build an illusion of emotions
convince themselves that their illusion is real
live this life of pretend
until you believe it is reality.

fickle hearts yearn for affection
latching onto each other with wavering devotion
dancing the dance of teenage emotion
sensual; even the slightest touch causes *******

bouts of sadness stirred in with monotonous days
excitement numbed; eyes dull
drilling useless facts into empty skulls
sunshine drifts through windows with emotionless rays

technology created with constant evolution
information spoon-fed by media
words like "morals" need an encyclopedia
together we cry with constant revolution

they fight for
their god, their rights
together we cry for justice
because tonight is our night.

my suicide note will read
"you'll love the memory of me
more than you love the me now"
overdose or bleeding out on the bathroom floor
i've yet to decide.
my body forms out of static, quietly buzzing
as i lie dying
and my chapped lips will curve into a smile
as i realize death is not as peaceful
as it seems to be.

get
up             the stair  s
      t he   y
're com     in g pre tned
                         to be  asle e  p
                                                            i       'm
                                   s       c ar e         d


  they stumble up the stairs, alcohol on their breath and a sway to their steps

                             the real monsters are my parents

i got tinder.
why?
i wanted to see if people
would find me attractive.
why?
i wanted self-validation.
why?
i constantly doubt myself.
why?
my consciousness is ingrained with past demons, and if i can't disrupt them through this menial thing like a dating app, then maybe i'm worth about as much as they say.
why?
i want to be ******* just so i can have a conversation with someone i feel some power over.
why?
i want to be in charge of something for once. i want to be sure of something for once.
why?
because i'm falling apart.

deep eye bags set deep within my skull
it's nighttime and i cannot sleep
my brain rushes ahead at supersonic speed
excitedly greeting the moon
enjoying its time around the stars while
i sit, procrastinating
attempting to deny the reality
of sunday night means monday morning is soon
sunday night yet the pages are still fresh white
graphite markings are yet to be found
printing pages filled with *******
and writing answers with no real meaning
no one is awake at 3 am
except the night owls

you're just another year
but i hope
you'll be better
than the last.

to become a human
you must withdraw the love from your veins
and spread it on your face
to clear your skin of sins
you must hold the sorrow in your veins
let it rip your organs out
but despite the pain
hold the gore and smile

to become a human
you must abandon your soul
create a vortex of empty space
a black hole which swallows your heart
to drip ****** tears in the void below
create medals out of normality
in order to keep you sane

to become a human
you must set fire
to what you think makes you different
and laugh, for they are flaws
and while you are never perfect
you're the most normal you have ever been
and that's all that matters to you,
a human.

lollipop pursed between plump lips
windswept purple hair against dim blue skies
billowing clouds soar ahead
sweater sleeves draped over the palms of your hands
your eyes curved upwards in a smile
round gold frames of thick glasses sparkle in the sunset
pale cheeks dusted with rosy blush
earbuds in, mouth open
song bursting from your core

it may be cheesy, but i love you.
i was banished from your heart long ago, but you still reside in mine.
happy valentines day.

From,
your bittersweet ex who still dreams of your kisses.

fetch me out the garbage
easy catch, easy prey
take me home with you
so you can get your way

you make me hungry
i want more
your touch makes me ecstatic
but then you closed the door

litter my body with disgust
you may throw me away
i love you too much
to see you another day

infect me with your disease
til it rots me to the core
abandon my corpse until
you take the punishment i bore.

simpering sweet words of pain
lace my muscles
with extravagant agony
don't speak to me so harshly, love
it hurts far too much

wrap blades around my heart
make me ***** blood
onto the bathroom floor
you're everything i wished for
maybe even more

curse my eyes with neverending tears
and give me a leash of thorns
**** my spirit
**** my love
with you i have become addicted
to the toxic elements of life.

the trapeze artist balances
delicately stepping
assured and practiced
upon the thin string of chance
luck and skill allows
a fortunate man to walk steadily
but a single fallout with fate
could leave his body dashed to shreds
destiny's temper is fickle
impatient for new amusements
it lets the poorest child walk across
gifts them with fame and intelligence
it lets the wealthiest man fall
despite his endowed presents of fortune and shrewdness
he is not enough for the ruthless eye of the future
the world walks upon their own strings of fate
luck pushes them from all sides
for some, keeping them balanced
and for other,
forcing them to death

the people stop and stare
but make no attempt to help
the tiny girl behind the glass
being tortured by her loneliness
personified by the ghosts

they think it is a play
that my shackles are for show
but i am certain that
my rubbed-raw wrists
and tear-stained cheeks
are nothing short of real

im starving but they dont know
that when i yell they laugh
my throat is fading cracks
and my mind is flat blanks
the inky black of night
creeps on my lifeless soul
to kidnap me
take me away
once
and for all.

too obsessive of being
the best, number one for attention
quietly sneak backhanded comments
behind their backs
fake smiles and denial if confronted
but a "is she really wearing that?" when left alone
a snake in disguise and proud
keep up a good girl image to the teachers
keep up a narcissistic ***** image to the peers
tag an @everyone in my poetry
to get much-needed validation
scorn those with better writing and less experience
dismiss natural talent as a hypocrite
once proud of my lies; flaunting without a care
now not as proud yet
it's the only way i can win
life is a game
the end winner is the survivor

weeping hearts fill to the brim with love,
bits of happiness seeping out of the cracks
constant shadows pushing my head down
but his presence shoves them away
im not good enough for him, they say
but i can still hope anyway
i wish my heart was good enough for him
but im damaged goods
he deserves better, they say
i agree wholeheartedly but
my heart still beats fast
my eyes cant look away
and i stay away
because i couldnt touch someone like that

drift through the air
wonder if anyone knows you are there
sob with defeat as the wind sighs
you are a ghost, forever silent.

you took my ***** and cluttered house of nightmares
and you cleaned and you renovated
until it became a house for us two
clean and fresh as long as you are here
you purified my soul
drove away the ache of addiction
and replaced it with a constant longing for your kisses
i have grown and flourished around you
as if you were my oxygen and i had been kept in a glass jar for so long
i can finally take a breath
thanks for staying babe
happy valentines day.

START GAME?
>yes
.the scene opens up to the main character typing away on their computer.
READ?
>yes
        .pixelated world
        .terrifyingly bland
        .if i reach my hand through the veil,
        .will i finally break free of reality?
        .i feel like a video game character
        .filled with predestined routes
        .numbers make my existence possible
        .my world is l-la%#gGi)ng
        .my brain cannot keep up with
        .the prospect of li@Vi$#nG(
        .free will is impossible in a
        .V(IdE@)!O G#*$AM(#"E
THIS PROGRAM HAS SHUT DOWN.
RESTART?
>yes
.the character is speaking.
        [why can't you just leave me to die?]
.the character is staring straight at you.
EXIT GAME?
>no
.the character is clawing at their skin.
       [i need to escape. please let me escape.]
EXIT GAME?
>no
.the character's skin is melting off.
      [when will it be the end? when will my soul leave this game? i'm sick and
        tired of playing! it hurts! it hurts! everything hurts!]
EXIT GAME?
>no
.the character is dying. their mouth continues to move.
     [when it says THE END, don't restart.]
.their hands claw at the other side of the screen.
.their hands fall on the floor.
.there is nothing left.
EXIT GAME?
>no
.the screen resets.
.the character is sitting on their bed, facing the screen.
.their eyes are blank.
.it's time for school.
GET UP?
>yes
.the character stands.
.the character smiles.
.the character shoots themselves.
THE END
RESTART?
>...
>yes

[is this nothing but a game to you?
stop playing with me.
i am done with suffering.]

.the character is done with living in a predestined world.

X YOUR COMPUTER HAS CRASHED.


        .

heartfelt notes springing out
from tough strings beneath the pads of my fingers
gently holding a wooden bow
that sways to the sound it produces
creating sounds of somber joy
and terraced tones creating
a magnificent cacophony
that makes my heart soar
chin resting on glowing wood
my violin creates a secret world.

depression comes and goes
in episodes, in waves
washing up the beach of my consciousness
leaving behind shells of memories
broken hearts and bruised ribs
sunshine laughter, turned bittersweet
and *****-stained porcelain toilets

i collect shells
hold them close to my heart
despite their broken, jagged edges
scratching thin protective layer
hang them up in the skies
to act as moons
and the tide gets rougher
heartbeat becomes irregular
as tears make way for beads of blood
steadily filling my lungs
until i am swimming in my own misery,

to the new
hello
welcome to this abyss of
what the **** am i doing
welcome to this strange
mesh of late night thoughts
strung haphazardly on a thin line
barely connecting their significance
welcome to this pretentious
room of poetry where
everyone believes they are the best
they know the most
they are the romanticizers of
toxic waste
the ones who find the heartbroken
in the silence
the ones who
inflate their ego through likes and comments
welcome to this crazy
pit of society
where no one understands where they belong
and everyone is an actor
welcome new one
i see that you have much to learn
take my hand;
i'll show you the way

Depression and Anxiety are Death's wingmen
together, they appeal to my heart
with promises of how good he is
how he could make everything better
how i would be much better off with him
he could hold me forever
and i would be safe in his arms
i must admit
i've tried to run away to him before
the promises were so beautiful
and it seemed that everything would be fixed
once i met him
but i didnt realize that
Death was a player
and Depression and Anxiety were his
******* comrades
wanting to see how many
he could get through
seducing them with empty promises
and not let them think of anyone else
forget the easy ones
force the way through the tough ones
conquering people has become a game
how many will meet with Death?
although i know the truth now
sometimes i still long for him
and i stare at the knives in the kitchen
but i've rejected Death once
i can do it again

take me into your
fog-shrouded mountains
to the cabin imbued with flames
and the galaxies of snow
waddle into the open
your glass steps crunching on broken ice
hold your mittened hand in mine
we strip our hearts under the moonlight.

slowly retreating into a previous shell
tearing off painted on skin to reveal fragile vulnerability
taking its place on my face
straight lined apathy mixed with sorrow replacing
bright, faked smiles covered in exhaustion
it feels too much--is it time to stop pretending?
as winter turns to spring
the world is blooming in newness but nothing has changed in my mind
progress is turning backwards,
i'm undoing myself all over again
wrists stained with marks of harm and
bottomless eyes filled with nothing but tiredness
my depression floods the shore with its darkness
sweeping away sleep and love
self-care and memory fades
this episode will pass eventually but
if only i had someone to help me
swim through the waves
and away from the swiftly moving tides of insanity.

i wonder what it feels like to be devastated
completely immersed in grief
tears falling to the floor
in a steady beat to the song of irregular hiccups and cries
weaving quietly through silence
or mixed and lost as a crowd mourns together

i wonder what it feels like to be ecstatic
drowning in warmth and
smiling so hard your cheeks hurt
giggles spilling from an upturned mouth
smiling not from necessity
but from pure joy

i wonder what it feels like to be enraged
bright red blinding previously-clear vision
fingernails digging white crescent moons into pink palms
mind clear and focused but with emotion instead of facts
reckless endangerment
needed for revenge

i wonder what it feels like
to feel something other than
these carbon copies of emotions
for i can feel
but it does not affect my soul
and the emotions feel blurry
counterfeit portraits of
what should be there

like a mask,
your expression fit perfectly
on top of your features
a perfect poker face
your shield against the world

i had been the one to break it
with confiding secrets
expertly timed jokes
awkward blushes and
desperate kisses
slowly, slowly
it faded when you were with me

i regret
being the cause for your mask
to rise up again

jealousy infects my mind
confusion clouds my senses
i do not know why i suddenly long
for your butterfly-light kisses
for the taste of your cherry-flavored lipbalm
why suddenly our song is playing on the radio
i yearn for your reassuring whispers
thin fingers carding through strands of my hair
i watch with rage-filled possessiveness
as you smile that special smile
and kiss your newest lover
my replacement.

at night i tend to toss and turn
and tangle up my sheets
my dreams are filled with broken glass
shards littering my feet
it kills my heart to see the stars
when im so down and beat
if the moon could tell me secrets
those secrets would not be sweet
and my heart understands that the love
we have is bittersweet
goodnight, my dear lover
i will miss you well
for my soul has become
obsolete.