I'm drowning here
My tears and fears
Pooling up around me
All the pain I've ever felt
I'm sinking
Slowly but surely
Eaten alive
By the demons within
Heart shredded to pieces
Stomach torn apart
Ribcage shattered
Puncturing my lungs
Murdered from the inside
Is this suicide?

I can't ******* do it

There are traces of you
Left in my memory
A flash of your smile here
A laugh there
Reminding me
How loved I was
And how much I loved
Being in this world
The joy I found even in
The most mundane moments
I spent by your side
And I am filled
With an endless peace

If they had a sound
It would be a can of loose screws
Sitting on a washing machine
A constant jangle of bits and pieces

If they had a taste
It would be sour candy
And a battery on your tongue
Electric and sharp all at once

If you could touch them
They would feel like static
And cotton *****
Unpleasantly soft with a scratchy tingle

If you breathed them in
It would be rubbing alcohol
With cinnamon and pepper
A raw burn followed by touches of spice

But when you see them
You might not realize
A bouncing leg here
Drumming fingers there

I miss peace
I miss stability
The days before I knew rage
Before I worried
My pain would consume me
The days when I didn’t feel
Like I could never be whole again
Before I was aggressive
Abusive
Before I shook and stuttered
When I wasn’t afraid
To claim my space
I miss the days
When I didn’t feel
So **** disconnected

Kiss me fast and hard
Til my lips are raw
And I can't breathe
Touch me softly
With your hands like fire
Burn your imprint
Deep into my skin
I want to feel you
In my bloodstream
Drink until I'm dizzy
From the taste of your skin

Another year passes
Aging but not changing
Like I’m stuck
In an endless loop
The highs and lows
Come and go
But they never really go
Hibernating for days, weeks,
Maybe months at a time
If I’m lucky
But I’m never lucky, am I?
This might be the worst birthday yet

We were pen pals
Exchanging poems
Back and forth
Back and forth
Sharing bits of our lives
Within each line
Spilling secrets
Sharing tales
Opening our hearts
Just to finally
Tear each other apart

All I want is a connection
Someone to get it
To get ME
Someone that will see the darkness
That lives in my heart
And choose not to run from it
To look past my insecurities
And jealous tendencies
Remind me they love me
****
I just want someone to love me

please

I was in this same house
Up late and unable to sleep
Feeling a heavy sadness
Like storm clouds in my chest
I guess some things never change
The desire for poetic connection
Lessened depression
An ache buried in my bones
For freedom from this life

I used to write love poems
Verses of my dedication to you
Now I stare at empty pages
Hoping the pen I hold
Will start moving already
Scribbling all the thoughts
Running through my mind
Pulling my memories of you
From the darkest corners
Where I put you to avoid
The pain that echoed
Endlessly through the hole
Your presence left in my heart

I hate this house
Where you lived
Where you died
So full of memories
But still so empty
My heart aches for you
Crying out, "MAMA!"
And I scream but
I make no sound
My grief is an anchor
Keeping me grounded
But pulling me under
I can't fight it this year
The weight of a decade
Smothering and suffocating
I ******* miss you

Fighting at every turn
Giving up on myself
Facing danger again
Letting it happen
Instead of loving
I let others hurt me
The worst self harm
Because I don't think
Don't listen to reason
Let them touch me
When I say I won't
Am I easily swayed
Or lying to myself
Can't be trusted
To protect my body
My heart
Open for pain
To walk right in
Like I want it
Like I need it