All I want is a connection
Someone to get it
To get ME
Someone that will see the darkness
That lives in my heart
And choose not to run from it
To look past my insecurities
And jealous tendencies
Remind me they love me
****
I just want someone to love me

please

I used to write love poems
Verses of my dedication to you
Now I stare at empty pages
Hoping the pen I hold
Will start moving already
Scribbling all the thoughts
Running through my mind
Pulling my memories of you
From the darkest corners
Where I put you to avoid
The pain that echoed
Endlessly through the hole
Your presence left in my heart

Where things decay
New growth replaces
Mushrooms on dead trees
Barren trees and
Blooming wild violets
Mid February
Pear trees blossoming
From early sunsets
To early sunrises
Spring following harsh winters
Changes are coming

Can I embrace them?

There are traces of you
Left in my memory
A flash of your smile here
A laugh there
Reminding me
How loved I was
And how much I loved
Being in this world
The joy I found even in
The most mundane moments
I spent by your side
And I am filled
With an endless peace

I'm drowning here
My tears and fears
Pooling up around me
All the pain I've ever felt
I'm sinking
Slowly but surely
Eaten alive
By the demons within
Heart shredded to pieces
Stomach torn apart
Ribcage shattered
Puncturing my lungs
Murdered from the inside
Is this suicide?

I can't ******* do it

I miss peace
I miss stability
The days before I knew rage
Before I worried
My pain would consume me
The days when I didn’t feel
Like I could never be whole again
Before I was aggressive
Abusive
Before I shook and stuttered
When I wasn’t afraid
To claim my space
I miss the days
When I didn’t feel
So **** disconnected

Another year passes
Aging but not changing
Like I’m stuck
In an endless loop
The highs and lows
Come and go
But they never really go
Hibernating for days, weeks,
Maybe months at a time
If I’m lucky
But I’m never lucky, am I?
This might be the worst birthday yet