I dreamt of you last night
For the first time
And now my heart aches
I miss you
I would apologize for the way I've
Behaved lately but I know
Sorry means nothing
And I know you won't forgive me

A pack of cigarettes
A bottle of Jack
Maybe even a joint
What should I try first
Anything to forget
Lose myself in the high
Numb myself to these feelings
Pretend they don't exist
Ignore the problems

I took a shower in the dark today
Fully clothed under the warm water
Let it soak through every piece
Running down my face
As I sobbed
Screaming
I had an emotional breakdown today
All of my emotions pouring out of me
Every ounce of sadness and pain
Leaving my dry throat
Painful echos of the screams
Of my mother's death
I hurt myself again today
Let my anger and pain take over
Pulling out my beautiful blade
Let it run down my arms again and again
Leaving angry red lines
I left purple and yellow spots
I gave up today
Stopped holding it all in
For a couple of lonely hours
Left my sanity somewhere
Down the bathtub drain
There it goes

You don't know loneliness
Until you've sat outside
In your car in the pouring rain
Because the house you live in
Isn't your home anymore
Until there's another woman
Where your mom once stayed
Until you hear her moving through the house
The way your mom did
Until you realize it's not a comfort to hear it
Something once so familiar
It's painful
A reminder that she's gone
Because it's not her
Not the one you want it to be
It's her replacement
Her wannabe
Your father's fiance
He forced into your life
Long before you were ready
You don't know loneliness
Until you'd rather sleep in your car
Than go back in that house you used to call home
When your family was whole

Calling and calling
There's no answer
Never is
Probably never will be
No chance to explain
Get this sorted out
Can't fix these problems
You won't pick up
Please just pick up
I want to resolve this
Don't send me to voice mail
Not again
Just answer this time
So we can clean up this mess

Let it go
Push until you can't anymore
Strive to be the best
To be YOUR best
Don't rely on help
Help yourself
Push through it all
You can do it
I know you can
I believe in you

Deep thoughts and cautious words
Sharing secrets and feelings
Talking about anything and everything
It's all gone now
This has to be one of the most awkward
Half hour conversations I've ever had
Seems there's nothing to say
Is the spark gone?
Did the connection disintegrate?