Is a cactus real?
Or an armored aloe plant?
Don't drink cactus juice.

Typewriter academy
The blank shells of my mind
When creativity is hiding
And the cruelest of demons are kind
Searching and seeking for
Emotions that inspire thespians to write
To act out in daytime,
Only to dream at night

Typewriter academy,
An empty room inside my mind
Where imagination takes over
What oddities you'll find

He asked, I said yes!
Oh, what joy!
Mama, I knew he was the right boy!
It's going to be work,
all marriages are
I know patience and love can go far

I'll take him with his flaws, his baggage, and quirks
Maybe even do the dishes when he's at work
I won't complain about the socks on the floor,
or shavings in the sink
I won't nag him when he comes home and he's too tired to think

As long as I have my cup of tea and a kiss
As long as I have my paper and computer to write
As long as I have my paintbrushes
Forever with him is not long enough of time

Oh how these times are contradictory to the fire in my soul!
That once was a fearlessness is now a sinking hole
I once dodged lovers who made me feel like I walked on glass
That everything I did was wrecking what we had
The people who make you feel unfit or that you need to be three steps ahead
I recorded such brokenness and my heart whispered "Never again."

Yet,
I've let down my guard so quick and fell comfortable too fast
And still I was hurt despite a different approach from my past

Contradictions,
How to live?
How to love?
Can I walk on eggshells with a partner,
Or is being too cautious too much?

Contradictions of the heart
When I'm experiencing two points of view
What is so easily kept inside my head
Is stirred by thoughts of you

Like a shell needs its host
To travel the world
Like color exists in the iris of a soul
I needed you the most
Like thorns cling to a rose to protect her from harm
Like a beach needs a shore
To welcome the sea with the land's charm
I need you
I need you
And life continues on
I climb every step, trying on my own
I see the signs
I feel you are close
But in my life, you've moved on
Now you're just a ghost

I've written many poems
Songs of prose and verse
Somedays it's a triumph,
Other days a curse
To create and create and create
Like a ******'s tooth that won't stop growing
I gnaw away at words while they are flowing
Like a flood in my mind,
Infinite stansas of soliloquies
Like a pen with infinite ink
I am lyrics without a melody

Singing songs
and painting
Making love
and singing
Bright colors,
soft sounds,
Fishing for happiness
with a frowning lure;
'Seems like
my only faith,
is in temporary cures.

I gave you my heart
After I wore it on my sleeve
You wear it like a watch now,
like a temporary accessory
If you were crazy about me,
as I am; you,
You'd keep my heart in your shirt pocket,
beating close to your heart,
The same thing that I do

When the glasses come off
And your hair falls in your face
By candlelight two souls bind
And my heart feels fiery haste

Dark hair that falls on my forehead
'Seems like a dream come true
When heaven exists in the four corners of my apartment
Where I share this celestial love with you

Come to my garden
And see what you'll find
You'll see me sitting next to foxgloves and writing prose
Where poets dance inside my mind

And if you shall see me pruning my roses
and collecting their soft and fragrant blooms
I've left a vase inside my apartment
where they will light up my room

And maybe, just maybe,
If you sing with me songs of prose and verse,
Sweet melodies of bliss
I'll show you my love
with a rose from my garden
And reinforce it with a kiss

Am I a catalyst?
A perfect equationalized lesson before
Before the rest happens?
Just when I find the love of my life
They find theirs after me
Painfully
And while its bubbling and brewing like a sour cup of black coffee
You thank me for my time because without me
You wouldn't have met her
You wouldn't have learned
The reason you treated me one way
But not her.
So next comes the ring and everyone's eyes are magnetically glued
But I was just the catalyst, the formula you needed to use
And now I'm just evidence of what led her to you

Spring blossoms hold beauty
but green leaves hold a tree's life
So don't seek for only beauty
when seeking a wife

Sometimes I feel like Alice
Falling into a looking glass
Where I get stuck between the shimmering images of lovers from my past
But now they have moved on, and have found new lovers too
I've moved on twice or three times since then,
But my looking glass offers a tempting view
Jealousy is no wonderland,
Just a forest of broken shards from your past
Beware of its shiny glimmer
Before it drives you mad

We met in an aquarium
Next to sharks and jellyfish and rays
We had only spoken for a few weeks
But you were already latched into my brain

And we strolled through the Electric City
Your hand, and mine
Einstein's theory of relativity
Was the epitome of our time

Rain poured, then it left
And we were greeted by the sun
And I didnt need to have my eyes open
To see the rainbow that day
When we collided inside of color
We kissed inside of color

Walking on egg shells
Does more damage than
Walking on glass
Glass quickly cuts the skin, and all heals
As time will pass
Egg shells build a climactic crunch
An eerie silence leading to-
I'd rather cut my feet on glass
Than break my heart again over you

I tore our pictures down
Like how a coyote
bites off its own leg
Trapped in dissolution
I wasn't going to pretend it was all
Okay

Trapped in the crumbling skeleton
The carcass of us, a victim of time
Why did you let it go so far then?
When it was already eating the flesh of mine?

Instincts told me of your disapproval
Instincts told me you were ashamed
But tell me, former lover,
Why did you smile,
Every time I called your name?

I have a new fear in my mind
I never thought it would exist
That my lover could leave me
For death's cold, thorny kiss
Although he still lives,
With a beat in his veins
The possibility is there
And must be suppressed everyday
His demons are not demons
But only one monster
She sits on his lap, sometimes his shoulder
He works hard everyday to turn her away, a sight he doesn't want to see
Addiction is a *****,
And she wants him to cheat on me

I refuse to become the product of my parents
A sold idea that
Love expires
Like curdled milk
That love is a stone that you toss across a lake
Become amused by a few skips
before you find a new stone
so the sunken one is replaced

I refuse to follow the same path
The same torture
And mistakes

When the vows are said
The wedding night made
The promises meant to be kept
Will be taken to the grave
And that's it. That's that.
Like a shopping list simply cross
Divorce off as a choice and buy something else. Anything else.

Because love is not perishable.
Love is not an expired product.

It wasn't a battle if wits
It was two people observing
The same structure,
                                   Differently
Like an abstract blot chart
You saw a web, but I saw a tree
you saw getting caught,
And I only saw growth
Your heart was timid
Like a shaking windmill to a hurricane
My heart was ready to take oath

Your projected manifestations
Burned holes in my head
Making me question
My own worth instead
It warped my reality
Of the timelined events
And now all I've known feels
Twisted

And its hard to look at the stars now,
And not think of your eyes
You have freckles inside your irises
Constellations better than the sunrise
Your shoulders were mountains I loved to climb
Perhaps I climbed too high and was too exposed to the cold
Contagious dialogues,
Viruses for the soul

And now I grieve as I
Shake off the snow.

A feather dances
From ancient winds from the past
And mountains will stand

My love makes me feel valuable
As if I'm the very last postal stamp for his bill payment that HAS to go out today.

He knows my worth,
He presses me to his lips,
Keeps me in the thoughts of his home and all that is dear
But instead of keeping me tucked inside the safety of a drawer
He sends me into the world
With his love, because love is the only thing we give that actually pays back
And I will collect and accumulate and travel and eventually
Come home.

She missed the intimacy
Of her past lovers
She missed the simplicity
Under the covers
Taking company with soldiers, poets, artists, musicians and free thinkers
She missed being a free thinker
And Lust was never a chore
Before
Switch the feelings on and off,
Convincing herself it's all she wants
Because the poets, soldiers, and musicians never stayed
And now, she was settling
And her dreams of true love are wasted
Away

You were in my dreams
Now you're in all my nightmares
**** abandonment

The freckles in his eyes remind me of constellations at dusk
Who knew such constellations could exist?
So subtle, yet so outstanding
That when the sun hits them
His eyes of honey reveal the spots I want to exist inside of

Like stardust to a nebula
Like a caterpillar to a chrysalis
A diamond inside amethyst
Cold air inside a hollow metal pole  
I want to be engulfed
And our two souls,
Whole

Inside his eyes of honey
Where constellations glisten in twilight

Today
your voice
came into my mind
And I felt the stormy blues
But then I asked myself
"What is the point in even missing you?"

The reality is short and sweet
Like your favorite peanut butter snacks
That once took over my apartment's cabinet
I'd save them, assured you would come back

The reality is you won't.
Even if you knocked on my door,
Missing something faithful and true
I know what I know just as much as you've known what you knew

That you'd never admit your mistakes to your friends
Highly influenced by their opinions
Highly influenced by our differences
And yet you spin the wheel,
Manipulating their perspective
Like I'm daft just because I'm in this process of transition

God forbid you don't have some structure in your life,
But even more so God forbid you have an ever-adapting and changing wife
Because the reality is you won't find a partner who isn't transitioning
Between growing to different levels
A different person every decade
She could be a business owner one year,
then regress to a stay at home mom, having spit and crayon on her face every day
Is this your fear?
But what about the moments between,
That are still, like calm water?
You wont see growth but it's happening
But I know you- you'll never stay to see
Because stagnance is a red flag to you
you'd rather chase the white foaming edge
You'll never see the calming storm on the sea
You'll never know your destination's end
And I feel bad for you,
In your infinite search
Never content

So
If you couldn't accept me in my still moments
When my world is asleep
When my water is still
When I'm in hibernation
And preparing to bloom
When you couldn't just love me
despite my winter
What's the point of missing you?

Is she a ghost to you
Like how he's a ghost to me?
Let's let them go together
And run away, free.
Yes, I know- it's haunting
But if you keep turning around for a look
You'll only haunt your heart and set it up to be spooked

So let go of the ouija board that became our phones
Because our ghosts of love will only haunt us if we forget we're not alone

I met you when I least was ready
Could you be the one?
You've knocked down all my theories that
Knowing your type finds you true love

You're far from what I would have dated
But your heart remains so true
And that's all I need to know, dear
That all I'll want is you

Your soul is kind and meek, dear
But stronger than others who compete
Your laugh is contagious, your song a dance,
Your very voice makes me complete

When we met you did not share the faith,
Political choices, or dietary views
And yet somehow despite the differences
Your heart lead me to you
Your kindness will always be my favorite quality I look up to

So I'll keep the 'type' in this old typewriter
And let my heart follow through

The sea that drowned her
Was now a long memory
How she loved swimming!

I don't paint my fingernails right before our visits anymore
I don't rush the brushstrokes
I don't worry about the paint drying in time
Afraid that you'll see the truth
Gnawed,
Ripped,
bitten nails
A shadow of anxiety
A shadow of what's inside me

And you see me
My flaws
My weaknesses
Yet you call it beauty
Polish or no polish
You still kiss the palms of my hands
And my soul knows it's home

She longed for the African soil
Oh how she wanted to go
To where the beasts of the land
Matched the wilderness of her soul

She longed for the Sahara sunsets
To see the peak of Mount Ngai
Where the endless yellow savannah grass meets the infinite blue sky
She longed to hear zebras chirp
And elephants trumpet on the water
To hear a lioness's chuff at her cubs
To hear a hyena's laughter

but time continues on and life happens every inch of the way
And so she whispers to her heart
"Maybe someday"

But she's learning that Africa isn't just a place on television or on a globe
Africa is wherever her heart finds adventure
It's already in her bones

Africa is where she wants it to be
Africa is already inside,
boiling the blood in her veins
Africa is where adventure thrives

She moved and danced and flipped through the chapters that were now gone
Like the jungle to her life,
And so the beasts danced on
She ran, and jogged, and trotted
To where new life would spawn
And like a party after a funeral,
The beasts danced on
She swayed, swifted, and stepped
Into the inevitable dawn
Like the sunrise after nightfall
The beasts danced on

She stalked, and crawled, and sprinted like a lioness hunting for long
Like the wild beasts of the land
She was moving on

Ghosts that once haunted me
Have vaporized away
When we laid in the sun
On that sunny day
Next to the lake at Promisedland
We watched boats row by
And I packed a basket with roses and the sweetest wine
And when you looked at me a certain way  
I knew you were mine

We read each other poetry from
A collected poetry book
And I knew I found the soul for me
When you gave me that warm look

Laying on a blanket, reading and passing time
Under the sun with full bellies on delicious foods, fruits, and wine
I'd choose no one else, my dear,
But you to be mine

Dear Sara,
Was it heartbreak that killed you?
That drove your desire to be free?
Of this life and the next?
Of a somber soliloquy?
Dear Sara, you wrote beautifully as a caged bird who was chained
When they found your body do you think their minds had really changed?
Did they drive you to the point of madness? Delirium on your brain?
I hope you're infinitely walking the fields of spring
A heaven, despite the mistake you made
Dear Sara I've read your books, thousands of poems, songs, and tales
The world loved what you had to say
Dear Sara I know you're free
but could it have been another way?

Sometimes my love
Hides
Like shadows to the moon
Sometimes my joy shines
Like gold over maroon
Sometimes my anger bursts
Like thunder out of rain
Sometimes my somber thoughts
Are knuckles tapping on foggy windowpanes
Sometimes my courage is an eagle perched on high mountain cliffs
Or my ambition a sapling,
Ready for winter's first kiss

But despite my many forms,
Silhouettes of trees,
Shimmering golds,
Thunder,
Foggy windows,
Saplings,
Heights

I want to be known for my light.
I want to be known for my light.

Cradling words, only three
Like a cradled butterfly in your palm readying to fly free
It almost slipped from my mouth as we kissed
but I held on tight
I wasn't sure if those three words are ready to take flight
So fragile and delicate
From your finger to its wing
Oh how I want to free it and let my heart sing!
But time reveals the truth in all of these good things

Its just an hour until I see you every drive that we make
I don't count the change in minutes
Like quarters in my hands
Or collected rocks on my mother's windowpane
The distance becomes shorter with song and romance on the heart
Knowing it's all temporary
Maybe one day we won't be an hour apart
I've had this distance before between a former suitor and I
But he didn't have the same look in your eyes
As when the hour is up and the reunion rejoices

An hour is just an hour, my love, to the heart's tenacious choices

he said,
she said.
Stuck in the murky grey
Of what's supposed to be our beginning
But now I'm not sure what to say

Haunted by ghosts that still lurk within your every room
And I am yet helpless to the shadow that follows you

we had our first argument
The first heat without passion's cause
A tsunami without a shore
A raging tigress without claws
And yet I didn't feel moved
Like a hurricane to a bay

Words taken from my mouth
Peace is stolen in murky grey

Our bittersweet glances
Grew into a murderous silence
My heart has never known sour,
Never known such violence
As you dropped the bomb,
The nuclear tear
Oh, my love- I was simply unaware

Maybe it was pressure,
But I never glanced at its gage
I simply knew that I loved you and
That it was enough to make your heart stay
To know loving arms,
When your world was a storming sea
Despite my own adversities

Like an earthquake it rattled,
Like how diamonds need pressure in the rough

No, it wasn't my love that wasn't enough

Folk tales and songs
Wash cold winter days from my palms
How I long for a different life
How I wish this life gone
Inside me, she snarls
Inside me, she sleeps like a toddler in a crib
Inside me, a lioness-
Who paces inside my ribs
Freedom is solidarity
Freedom is pure
But to enjoy too much loneliness
Is the devil's greatest lure

When they speak of her,
They speak like a disease has entered the room
she's Midas without gold
But sheds inevitable gloom

she sets traps where she finds joy
In watching her prey suffer the sharp and painful snare
She's got love for her children
But holds hate within her stare
She's angry and jealous
And is only happy if you feel that way too

And yet I still wonder why you loved her the way I love you

Tattoos fill the skin
Like paint to a canvas
Scars get covered
Like light consumes darkness
She understood his scars
His pain, his soul
And when his arms became bridges
She was inside a cage of tapestries
A flesh art museum without walls
Their bodies together,
Like a renaissance painting
Michaelangelo, Picasso couldn't compare
Because The love they made
Caused them to forget the scars that were even there

She was dust
Star dust
As little as she thought she was
She was celestial gold
Her light dispersed through the Galaxy
Yet she focused on the fine details
She saw herself as small particles
Disappearing into darkness
Yet he was her Galileo
He wanted to explore her,
The shape of her, the way she moved
The very molecules that made her burn
And when she thought her glow was dead
Her light was just being seen through space for the first time in light years
And he loved her