My big brother, big sister and I .
Fourteen ,ten and I was nine,
Cried more  tears then we ever cried.
Our mother had committed suicide.We'd already been through  qiute a bit. We were babtized that lifes one thing you  just cant quit.Our Mom committed the biggest sin.I refused to imagine which place she  was in.It was the one thing I couldnt bare.   I d  seen alot more evil then Id ever  seen of good\ We found our selves there questioning  God.My brother  bent his brow and gave a  nod. He thought a careful moment  and scratched his  head.He  then leaned in close and this is what he said, "For right now how about looking at ot like this Instead..?
You  don't have to wait till your
darkest hour. To admit to yourself
you believe in a higher power.
It's like telling white lies ,everyone
knows  we all  do it. And you know
they do it too.Don't believe me?
I can proove it to you. Proove me wrong,
I dare you to. Take this dare.  
Bowed in prayer,Be thankful for  care.
Greatful hearts for all our mercies and despair.
Be Blessed, us all,your  with the gifts we recieve.
Wealth of knowledge from lessons
in the burdens that we bare.
Our faith mirrors our existance.
A life worth living.Sharing and giving,
helping hand one good deed,
without expectation.With out even a whisper
of taking credit.An angel to guard
inpure thoughts,another for my words.
Together  both in charge of my deeds.
Provide for my essential needs.
So that I don't mistake them for my wants.
The regret that haunts.Gifts of good fortune
one never flaunts.When
we fail to fullfill.No weapon or pill
upon my own self be done.
Judging no one.
gossiping upon no one. Do not listen
nor tell Any one.No false pride
Or mask to hide.Beauty comes from
whats inside. Swallow your pride
I am forgivin. I will forgive,
because we are human. Because
we live. Give what you can give.
.No less,When the cuphas been filled
it can hold no more.We've done our best.
When in error just confess.
No man alive.Him nor I ,
has the right to choose
how either of us die. Do not lie.
When I look at him and he looks at me,
We are not consumed with greed or envy.
I refuse to be his enemy,the way  that satan
would like it to be, I have no hate in me.
Music and love, respect and honesty,
Wheather or not anyone else can see.Patience
understanding and an opened mind.And being
somebody  to believe. Being someone
whose kind.Being somebody
that somebody can trust. Be fair and be just.
Be very wary of whomever you lust.
Look down on no one unless your
helping them stand, if put in power
don't be grand.Don't let that power go to your head
Keep it in your heart instead.And every night
when you go to bed.Bow your head  and pray.
I promise if you live this way. And say this poem
every day. Unhappiness will stay away.You
will not be afraid.You  will not want for anything.
You'll be pleasantly  surprised at what each day will bring.
And everyone around you will see it too.
You will be sufficiantly sufficed. It's not  a  religion
It's called living life. It's that feeling you feel
right now inside. It  won't be denied.
It's believing in my believing in you,
It's me believing you two feel that too.
You can call it God...
You can call it whatever you to.
Call it love.It's in each of us.
This power thats greater and higher above.
But its not about religion  or going along
You know the difference betwren right and wrong .Your hard enough on yourself when the heat is on.And most imortant of anything at all if you absolutely HAVE to lie....
......look them in the brows....not in the eyes.
Amen.

Im so Alone..     ..... .on my own .
Im bent....Iam spent..... darkness my only friend.
Another secret we will share.
Inot sure when and I dont know where.
But I dont care. Im glad Im there.
It    Whispers  Images that come in waves...
Each appearing  in it own unique way.
In a  vibrant white and yellow glow..
A silhouette of a man...   I do not know.
The outline of a  very high bridge....
That spans across a narrow ridge.
Letters, numbers a bass guitar....
A lined highway road that  goes straight ,very far.

Each image manifests,and dissipates...
into the pitch black, empty space.
Illuminated in electric light.
Shifting shape before my eyes.
They see all ,theyre opened wide.
What happened to gravity.?Why do they glide?


What I thought was a loud buzzing hum...
Accompanied  by the pound of a  drum.
Is  the silence that  echos in  my head.
 It courses my   veins...Like the blood I have bled.
Only it  holds me here instead,as if im incased  in a ton of lead
To  my bed and pillow held under this weight.
 Only I could be fragile glass about to break
Until  I reminded myself that what I feel is fake.
Then my mind is pulled to a quiet hush. 
Where my  head sinks down in  inviting plush

Suddenly I feel as if  I'm floating  in time.....   
Forward yet I'm moving into mine.
Theses images -that  continue to fade in....  
Then changing as it fades right back out again.
 While others make there way with a pop
That flashes  down low and shifts up to the top....
And lingers for a moment til its shape forms  another to take its place.
 What omce  vague I come to realize that what actually fades in and out is  I.
In and out but forward into myself .I wonder how thought  it was anything else.
 Am I in flight or am I floating ...into the images I go through.?
Should I question if what I see if false or true?
I won't look down for fear the view.
It might will let me drop and'.I dont know if I want to start.

As I go forward   into my self I move  on- In this current  Im carried it pulls me  along .
Through a timeless space of nowhere.
Every thing is as meaningful  as it  is pointless  there.
 I m drifting.... I drift in a slow steady pace. 
Not just watching .....but Ive become part of the space 
Not only within.... but all over the place.

Interacting with each scene - that I see - as I glide.
Looking from inside .....but also within.
When what I watch ends....another begins.

As if it is the most normal thing in my whole life
What seems strangely familiar, Is too vague to realize.
While It escapes all  logic  Its so incredibly wise.
I even ask myself not to believe my eyes.
But Im true to myself I tell no lies.?..Not this time....
Not  to me myself and I.
I f  there were times , surely, this is not one.
  I see myself  doing things I've done
 And doing these things.... things I'd never do.
Yet Im continueing to do them all the way through.
And Im feeling the same emotions I see me haveing too.
They come and go as quickly as what surrounds me.
Whatevers around me..
. Laughter, surprise,embarrassment they go on and on.... 
Anger, contentment.....but  I feel mostly mostly calm.
  In a hum of  energy that  sometimes snaps and sparks.
But It continues in motion even when I dont want it.
 In a current pulled away  but within it ....Im on it.

In a flash I stop. It lets me drop...
With that halt - I m in a fall .
Gravity ****** me heavily away.
It pulls my body and stretches my face.....
It tosses my tummy like a carnival ride.
And me, with this awful fear of heights...
Thats when I remember- I know how to fly.
I dont end in a crash....I soar to  the skies....
Im an expert at this I barely have to try.

I feel so safe, so free from harm.Oh great ,Whats the noise coming out of my arm?
I this sound ,'What is it ?
Why...thats my alarm!!!
                       Eyes open wide.What a ride!
MEDITATION Astro glide.
    
                                      

                        ­          -

Plans I’ve made  always seem to fall thru,
Dreams I’ve had that  never came true,
Wishing on the nights first star....
Watching  my whole life fall apart.

Losing everything I ever knew,
Nobody there to see me thru,
Forgetting what I was fighting for...
It’s just not worth it anymore.

Better I should just let go..
Of a happiness I’ll never know.
Better off all I love will be....
With out  the burden of loving me.
  
Destiny’s loop has run its course,
Ther’s a reason we can feel remorse.
Somethings just cant be forgiven.
Sometimes you gotta say
“Too Hell With Living”

Listen closely to me my friend,
This is the means to an end,
We all go through bad times and such,
But  one person  shouldn’t have to suffer  this much.

Sometimesit hurt so bad
I can barely catch my breath,
When   pain and  suffering
Is increasing with every breath....
Put MISERY to Death!!!!!!

All the paths I’ve crossed and lessons I’ve learned,
Storms I’ve weathered and bridges I’ve burned.
Mistakes I’ve made over and over again,
Reminding me of where  I’ve been.
I find myself right back very next season,
With absolutely no good reason.
Where  are the accomplishments
I earned on my own merit.
Respect and trust aren’t  the sort
of things that one can just inherit.
My best will never be good enough.
When lifes not fair“That’s just tough!”
So many things that I regret.
I can forgive but I can’t forget.
My mind is where I carry my pain.
Cause no one shows compassion to a human stain.
Some of us have to be a little bit  tougher.
We were put on earth so that others don't suffer.
Are you getting me so far??You know  exactly who you are!
Here's the thing-  And Your simply gonna Love it!
You can't stop the rain...But you can  truely RISE  ABOVE IT.
The sun still shines above the clouds,ya know....
You might be mad as hell, but, don't you ever let it show!
Suddenly the time will come - we are gonna shine.
Your gonna have your day and I'll get mine.
When you find that you've come to the end of that rope.....
That's Great!
Hold on tight and hang with me - we can give each other hope.
Soon we'll be the ones looking down at  all them...
Only  we will be have our arms out to help them up again!
But I will ALWAYS look up to you....
No matter what you say....
No matter what you do!!!!               B&E; <3 U!

Not one day becomes  anew,
without her having thoughts of you...
It  wouldn’t matter when or where...
...without even a trigger,
The thought would be there’.
In Fact....
For the entire time that she’s  alive,
not a single night goes by
That the moon doesn’t
Shine amongst  the stars in the sky
With out her asking, to her self,”WHY?”
She’ll ask of other’s for a while-
Who never  make it past denial.
And they’ll call your death a big mistake
You forgot how many pills to take.
She’ll  always wonder why they lied.
About the manner in which you died.
“Why ?” do they  torture the other with blame
Until nobody even dares mention your name.
There isnt a day or a night for the rest of her time  
that a memory of you
doesn’t come to her mind.
When  everyone else  woul be fast asleep ,.
She’d  go to her window
Where she’d  weep..
Trying to make sense of  each and every word
about your death that she heard.
She obsesses on any and all  thats been said.
But  they race and they spin and  they mess with her head.
No one can be trusted to give the  answer thats real,
Every tear is a cut that will never heal.
She knew she was more helpless
With each new wound that bled
She just wanted so badly to be  with you instead.        
                                             On her knees,beside her bed,
she saddly bowed her little head
and
resights the prayer the two of you said.
                        She clasps her hands and close  her eyes real tight
and pray that she could be with you tonight
and you’d  hold her ,you’d  tell her it ‘ll all  be alright .
On her broken spirit you’d shed some light
                              So that a glimps of  hope might  be in her sights
She’d stay up all night in  a pitch black room
with the shadows that she sees in the light of  the moon
thinkin its that times she gets to  spend with you
If ever  a wish she has happens to come true,
she believes with all her heart .that its because of you.

The Sad Fact is that through out  All her years,..
She won’t get that your the cause of her fears
your the heartache that wouldn’t wash away with her tears
and it’s You who’ll be the pain that never disappears .

Even  If no one ever again says your name,
you made your middle and her’s the same.
So along with that she‘ll always carry a sense of blame...
Why would you leave her to have live feeling  this shame.
No matter what she does that  will be the part of you that remains.


Guilt she’ll never find a way to erase,
She’ll look in the mirror and see your face, and
think your looking back at her with disgrace
And she long for a mother she can never replace.

For a mom she’ll never really know
For the love that couldn't grow
And the Love she’ll never be able to show.
Because she'll fear  that loving  is what will make love go
  As soon as she does,it has no reason to stay.
All she’s ever loved has been
Taken away.
Everything she believed in ...was all just pretend,
she wont be able to trust in anything again.
It was all for what,?What was it for?
Did you get the things you wanted more?
Did you proove some point you were trying to make?
Do you feel you made a huge mistake?
If you coulld go back and do it again...
.knowing what you didn’t know then.
Would you take it all back,would you find a way?
She’d be so happy if you would just stay.
There are alot of things in life We wish we could undo....
Do you think you’d  do it differently if you only knew?

I cant even try .
It makes me want to die.
I listen to you lie.
And I remember why.
Icant  have you in my life.
Your always causing strife.
Thats what makes you  HIGH.
Your always trying to pry,
And you manipulate my time.
Your always ******* with my mind.
I sit here and I cry....
I cant have this in my life.
I dont know how to say goodbye.

Not one day becomes  anew,
without her having thoughts of you...
It  wouldn’t matter when or where...
...without even a trigger,
The thought would be there’.
In Fact....
For the entire time that she’s  alive,
not a single night goes by
That the moon doesn’t
Shine amongst  the stars in the sky
With out her asking, to her self,”WHY?”
She’ll ask of other’s for a while-
Who never  make it past denial.
And they’ll call your death a big mistake
You forgot how many pills to take.
She’ll  always wonder why they lied.
About the manner in which you died.
“Why ?” do they  torture the other with blame
Until nobody even dares mention your name.
There isnt a day or a night for the rest of her time  
that a memory of you
doesn’t come to her mind.
When  everyone else  woul be fast asleep ,.
She’d  go to her window
Where she’d  weep..
Trying to make sense of  each and every word
about your death that she heard.
She obsesses on any and all  thats been said.
But  they race and they spin and  they mess with her head.
No one can be trusted to give the  answer thats real,
Every tear is a cut that will never heal.
She knew she was more helpless
With each new wound that bled
She just wanted so badly to be  with you instead.        
                                             On her knees,beside her bed,
she saddly bowed her little head
and
resights the prayer the two of you said.
                        She clasps her hands and close  her eyes real tight
and pray that she could be with you tonight
and you’d  hold her ,you’d  tell her it ‘ll all  be alright .
On her broken spirit you’d shed some light
                              So that a glimps of  hope might  be in her sights
She’d stay up all night in  a pitch black room
with the shadows that she sees in the light of  the moon
thinkin its that times she gets to  spend with you
If ever  a wish she has happens to come true,
she believes with all her heart .that its because of you.

The Sad Fact is that through out  All her years,..
She won’t get that your the cause of her fears
your the heartache that wouldn’t wash away with her tears
and it’s You who’ll be the pain that never disappears .

Even  If no one ever again says your name,
you made your middle and her’s the same.
So along with that she‘ll always carry a sense of blame...
Why would you leave her to have live feeling  this shame.
No matter what she does that  will be the part of you that remains.


Guilt she’ll never find a way to erase,
She’ll look in the mirror and see your face, and
think your looking back at her with disgrace
And she long for a mother she can never replace.

For a mom she’ll never really know
For the love that couldn't grow
And the Love she’ll never be able to show.
Because she'll fear  that loving  is what will make love go
  As soon as she does,it has no reason to stay.
All she’s ever loved has been
Taken away.
Everything she believed in ...was all just pretend,
she wont be able to trust in anything again.
It was all for what,?What was it for?
Did you get the things you wanted more?
Did you proove some point you were trying to make?
Do you feel you made a huge mistake?
If you coulld go back and do it again...
.knowing what you didn’t know then.
Would you take it all back,would you find a way?
She’d be so happy if you would just stay.
There are alot of things in life We wish we could undo....
Do you think you’d  do it differently if you only knew?

Take me back to way back when....to hopes and dreams of lets pretend.
  To a childhood were I knew nothing else,
but that you were as much a part of me...as I was of myself.
I never even imagined a day without you and what I would do.
Because In my eyes there was no me without you.
  What ever the pleasure no matter the trouble,
We never did it alone cause we each had our double.
  Together we would co-conspire
to try and fulfil what ever our hearts might desire.
  What ever one of us was doing the other would try,
if one of us got hurt the other would cry.
  I you were laughing I knew it was funny,
who ever came for a show got two for their money.
  Together we were brave enough to try any thing
we never knew what adventure the new day would bring.
  Sure,there were times we'd fight and fuss.
But I pitty the fool who ever crossed one of us.
  People sometimes couldn't even tell us apart,
it was easy for me...I knew you by heart.
  Singing and laughing and all the fun things we did,
Then you had to go and become a big kid.
Your first day of school thats when I knew,
the days of me and you were through.
You were so excited getting ready and I was trying to understand.
It came time to go- big brother took you by the hand.
  My eyes welled with tears wondering what I would do,
I watched and waved from the window     till you were long out of view.
Then I wrapped my arms around mom's legs who was right there by my side.
We both laughed then when we noticed that the other also cried.

Once upon a time in a land just like this.
People talked with their mouths,
And not with their fists.
Life wasn't considered a burden,
It was more like a gift.
Men could trust one another,
to mind their business.
If someone asked for help,
Whoever could would assist.
Nobody lied about nothing,
They'd tell it like it is.
A guy would never steal what he wanted
He only took what was his.
If he wanted to do it his way,
He didn't have to insist.
When a person was kind.
They didn't call him stupid.
Beauty came from inside,
And it couldnt be hid
What people said is what they did.
The facts were free
Not things you could bid,
People didnt stoop so low
So they could be big.
Being good was the way....
Not just a gig.

I dont care if it takes all day . Im gonna find  the time,Im gonna find a way. And even if It takes all night , Its okay....Thats alright. I dont know enough about this stuff. But its time I did, Its about time I do. Cause its up to me,l cant count on you.  I  hope you understand .I hope you do it too. I m gonna do me. And You should do you too.

There I  was at Death's door,
I recognized it from years before-
I yelled," Hey it's me  again."
I heard "Hey Me,where the hell ya been?"@

I found the Valentine you gave me in 2015,
Just a month before you "CONTRACTED THE 'MAN-MADE' AIR BORNE VIRUS (That everyone is exposed to but, that effects everyone differently )
In your case it effected your immune system to attack your own heart."
By the time we go to the Emergency Room they said that the damage done could not be repaired  and your heart was only functioning 10% of what a normal 44 year old. They told us without a heart transplant you were going to die. Then they told us that in order to qualify  for a heart transplant you would have had to be at least  20%or better.  
When the transplant team came in to see you and let you know that they were nolonger going to be a part of your  care...You wouldnt be needing their services. You were all smiles and shook every ones hand. T he phone rang and  you told your boss that " Yeah...the transplant team just left...they said that I dont need them after all... let everybody know and tell them all thanks for the prayers  and well wishes...as soon as they get me out of  ICU they will be allowed to vist."  You said you didnt know yet when but you'd call as soon as you found out.
You accepted the congradulations your boss made an announcement to your co workers and everybody cheered . "Right On!" Somebody yelled Clapping and whistling" Way to GO!!" We Love you Dave!"GetWell" ...
Love You Guys Ill See You Soon!"

I watched  from my chair by the window.  You with tubes and wires and hoses  hooked up to monitors  beeping and Machines a huge thing cslled a plasma blaster was trying to eliminate every single white blood cell to stop your immune systems attack... it was now after your liver and your kidneys. They were also using chemo . They were doing everything  they  could..
The heart surgeon was standing out side the room trying to get my attention when I caught him waving out the corner of my eye. I nodded to the doctor and raised my index finger  and tilted my head  in your direction.  
  A s I walked over to you  I had tunnel vision  I dont know how my legs were  making strides so that each foot  could rise and  fall  and create a step . All I could see was you with dark circles under both eyes, and sweat beaded  up on your brow and upper lip . A huge smile  the first time you smiled the whole time  wed been there.
 " Honey dial Art's number on speaker phone... I gotta  tell Art."
I dialed the number  and kissed your cheek and said Id be right back I needed to go have a drag off a smoke.
"OKAY ,YEAH ,YEAH GO AHEAD."
It wasn't forty minutes ago that you looked at me  in desparation and fear.
"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME. PLEASE! Please just stay right here.. hold my hand  and dont let go..
I Promised, "It's  okay " I said, " I will not let you out of my sight. "
I turned to face the door ,still wondering how  my body was managing to function..All I really want3d to do was collaps...curl upand wrap my arms around my legs as tight as I could.
" Please God, Not again.WHY.?? HOW COULD YOU BE SO ******* CRUEL.? What is it that I need to learn for you to stop  hurting me like this??  NO...I GET IT NOW... it's not God at all....but Satan who is doing this...but then where is God??Hello??!! EXCUSE ME.?!!, I could use  a little help here...DO YA MIND.??? YA think maybe just this once,..  oh man....I have lost my mind completely
..this is an hallucination... BAD TRIP,!...... I had already tried  to convince myself that this was all just a crazy dream. Slapping water ******* my face! "COMMON...WAKE THE **** UP"
I Barely noticed the tears had begun to stream down my face. I heard "Hey Bud  Whats  going on we are just pulling into the parking garage,,whats happening now?,?!?!
I wondered what awful news the Dr .  had this time. This ******* was the one who came in to say , Even if we did everything exactly right  we were probly looking at 3 weeks tops  before  it would be  over. " I jumped up off the side of the bed where I was standing guard  and asking what medicine they were giving him ,what was it for, what  could go wrong if he took it what would happ en  if  he didnt.  What their name was, Nurse or doctor?  I had been writing everything down.

.I   startled him too, "ALRIGHT THATS IT,!" I marched to the door hung on to the handle with  one hand and pointed to the hallway with with the other "GET THE **** OUT!!" Who the **** do you think you are? Who the hell does he think he is I said to the nurse as she quickly  darted out into the hallway to the nurses station where all the nurse stood  with shocked looks ontheir faces. "DO YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF COMPASSION  IN THAT  PEWNIE,LITTLE MAN,SMUG, SO FULL OF YOUR SELF THAT YOU CANT TREAT PEOPLE WITH A LITTLE DIGNITY....NO RESPECT FOR ANYBODY BUT THE GUY WHOSE CALLING THE SHOTS RIGHT.!? DAVE,?
.! Thats it we got to get you the hell out of here these people are ******* sociopaths!!"
  He looked as though they drew straws  to have to come again and he had lost.As long as they didnt stop  you from this tiny bit of hope, you were having ....I could  faintly hear you telling your best friend your great news.... I could hear the confusion in his voice as he questioned you. "What?!?! WAIT..NOW...WHAT DID THEY SAY ...EXACTLY...,!!"  You did say verbatim exactly what they said..To your boss too.
The Doctor had a picture of a human heart  and he is telling me that they  have had success with a mediicine called milrinone ....to help the heart  pump  strong enough  but that it can only be used for a short time and in order to give it a try they  would have to insert a catheter directly into  the small amount of his heart that isnt just dead tissue.."DEAD TISSUE.?? Its just dead??If its dead does that mean its going to rot in there?? Like gain green or something .  Youd going to take him and cut his heart out arent you?!?! Dead Tissue! " I said, Thats *******!! I have never in my life heard EVER of any of this ****!!!"
  " This is up to Dave, You talk...I will translate ...If he doesnr want to do it then we are going to get REAL second opinion!! "
   You were so happy younwerent going to have to have a heart transplanr that you agreed  to the milrinone. . You started feeling pretty good right away.. .They said you could b2 on thw mil3inone 6mo. Then they would wean you off and that would be it.

Alone one egg can be a meal.

Alone I can watch whatever I want on tv,
And no one is tellimg me to change the station.
Alone I can turn off the tv and read a book,
And no one is telling me to turn out the light.
Alone I can turn on the radio and sing as loud as I want to,
And no one is telling me I sing off key.
Alone I could stay up all night if I feel like it,
And no one is telling me to come to bed.
Alone I can sleepon which ever side of the bed Id like,
Icould run through the house naked ,screaming at the top of my lungs and no one would ever hear me.
I could curse outloud for just no reason what so ever.
I don't have to worry about putting onnmy makeup.
I dont even have to comb my hair.
Or put the cap back on the toothpaste
Alone I could eat a whole pint of icecream all to myself,
And  nobody would ever even know...
Or care.....
And alone....I....
....and I'm alone......
.........and I hate it!!

Hide and Seek.....

  ..... Is no fun-


When they all go home....




    .....and leave you hiding!!

Please dont worry.
  Don't be afraid.
You've done your best
  out of this mess...
This so called life
      has made.
Don't be  scared.
Go to the light ...
your angel's waiting there.

There is sometimes-
   A Lock & Key....
  Between Heart.

That can only
   Be opened-
With a Word....
  If its Heard.

So-
   Dont Ask Me to Talk....
       ........Just LISTEN!!!

There must be
     some measure
                of pleasure
                           in losing--
.......why else would anyone play solitaire?