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 Feb 2013 Mychael LooseArrow
eli
autopiloting;
i can't think or feel a thing--
where have i gone now?
(c) shiloh renee 2013
we are studying space
and teacher says
it is important stuff,
but i cannot think
of anything except
your eyes
and the way they sparkle
brighter than the stars
and larger than the moon
and how they are
more important to me
than the sun could ever be
her brazen skin
comes around here
every once in awhile

her eyes like a snake's,
green and sly
seem to smile, all on their own

her body is supple
and inviting
open and waiting

they whisper about her
and her not so moral ways
and they wait in line
to use and abuse
and sneer
and go away

did you know that she craves love
as much as you do?
I think I want to be with you everywhere
and not just somewhere

as though the moss is our carpet,
rain sculpts a feeling of growth in my bones
I am a tree. A meadow.  But you lie still –
wait for my breeze, you simmer away
a dandelion.

Your hundred florets spread like wings
and fly somewhere on me –
a promiscuous garden. Somewhere &
everywhere.
I have all the feelings in my head. I hate and love. I just hate more than love. I am tired and depressed. **** this. I am done. Life, yup, not my thing. I **** at life. I can't even sleep without some type of emotion. I hate my life, me, people, this world. So tell me how much I have worth living for. I know what I have. But I have more hate towards people in me than love in anything. What the hell am I doing. Oh my god. Yes I scream. Yes I cry. I **** at math. But do you really need math for writing. Random noises leave my mouth. I don't have one feeling at a time. They just bounce together. When I cry I laugh. I scream and I am crying. Ugh. This is a poem, a ****** one. I listen to only songs that have meaning. What am I supposed to do besides run. Run from what. I don't know. Let me go. Zombiefy!! Woo. What the hell was that. A.D.D. taking over me. What did I do. Where do I go. The scars on my wrist are now gone. Except one. That one gave me more pain. It hurts like a pinch. And stings like a bee. Blood just there. It doesn't move until I make the next slash, making the drops turn in to a puddle. I let it build up inside of me. In my thoughts.
I feel like I'm losing control of my life
Like I'm just giving up on everything
Because that's how life should be
But I'm stupid of I think that's going to get me
Through two more years of high school
Because it isn't
It will help me fail
And not get into the schools I want
Giving up is not an option right now
Even though it's the one thing I really want to do
Just give up
Just forget everything
Just leave everything behind
I've made some bad decisions in my lifetime
And I'm going to make more
Regardless of whether or not I want to
So I might as well just get used to it
But I don't want to get used to it
I want to change
I want to be better
I want to fight for myself
I am a good girl
This I swear
I won't change ever
I would not dare
I am the good girl
Yes I am
When bad things happen
Just say, "Don't think I can."
I am the nice girl
Yes, indeed
I don't act out
I'm not guilty of greed
I am a nice girl
Through and through
That is, I was
Until I met you
and
then
i
was
bad                                                   bad                                                      bad
                   not                                                  sad
not                               evil
but i did things
that
maybe
i                                                        shouldn't                                   have
at least,
i did things
that    
good                                  girls                                      don't                                                                   do.
nothing made
sense
nothing was prim
nothing was proper
i was free
living like a                              rebel
and when i am with you
everyone says
"Look! There goes a bad girl
There's an example of what
you
shouldn't
do."
Well,
take it from
me
because I
was once a good girl too
do it
whatever you want to do
do it for the rush
do it for the screams
do it before it's just another dream
do it for love
for the strange sensation of                         guilt and pleasure
rolled into one
because, darling
when you're through
you won't be a good girl
or a bad girl
you'll just be you
When I'm high, I'm high, when I'm low, I'm low. My emotions swing around the world, I walk the dog, I rock the the cradle. I've been off of the wall, I've discounted whatever is lowest; I stopped following the downs, to keep an opportunistic mind on focus. I'm focusing on the present, because today is always now. I started thinking like Buddhist, and I've accepted suffering for what it is.
I've become enlightened but there was no where else to go. Atrophy of my mind, I'm dying, with nothing left to know. Where should I direct my thoughts to grow? I desire wealth in every area I touch. A dreamer for every wealth I could ever own. Aware of power that draws spirit away from soul, I hear the devils calling and see only one road to follow. I've mirrored what I've seen, and copied any role-model, but now I see no-one else to follow, have I grown to where now I am an example? I'm just as confused as any, I see the reality wishy wash, I see a society properly programmatic willing to accept being brain-washed. I've learned I should never break the spell of one who is following their truth's, I've seen it as an ethical choice to let a winner win, and to let a loser loose.
Written April 12, 2012

I think I've been going crazy.
I think I've been going crazy,
spending evenings jittering,
and spending days sick.
Spending nights restless,
just passing the time.
Not actually living.
Just passing the time,
until I stop going crazy.
I think I've been going crazy.
Even the doctors agree,
but they don't say that.
They just use other words
to make me feel normal
but in the end, all those words mean
are that I'm going crazy.
Sleep comes late, and leaves me early.
Food goes in, but doesn't want to stay.
The doctors think I'll get better,
the doctors think it'll go away,
but I think I'm just going crazy.
Don't you agree?
--> I wrote this at the beginning of a depression I went through that lasted a good 6 months that I can say I'm mostly out of. I had just lost a close family member, family friend, and the love of my life in the same year. This was what was in my mind. ~£mma,
Written November 11, 2012

I was lost. I don't mean it in the way that I didn't know where I was, or didn't know where to go (although that too), but lost in the way that I, looking in at myself from the outside, didn't know where I had gone. I was two separate people: my Self who ran away, and my Self who walked the roads trying to find me. A few close friends and one gentle stranger helped me put up "MISSING" posters, but in the end it was evidently entirely up to me to find my Self. So I began to seriously search. The search consumed my entire life. My every day and my every night. I searched not stopping for over six months. One day, I was in the middle of a search when I sat down at the side of the road and began to cry. I cried for my lost Self, and I cried because I was finally starting to accept my lost Self was never coming home. At that moment, I looked up and wiped my tears, and looked across the road. It was someone who looked so remarkably like the Self I lost, but in an inexplicable way, equally entirely different. I walked up to it, confused, and asked it if it knew a Self that looked a lot like it but not exactly. It told me it did, but it regretted to inform me that Self was dead, but it was my new self and it was just born. To this day, I mourn the death of the Self I lost, but like everything else has its time, so do Selfs. I now know that Selfs are not lost and found, but in fact dead and reborn into something similar, but also completely new.
--> This was written when I was really beginning to find myself and what I wanted in life. I'm much happier know, and still finding myself. :)
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