This nightmare,
Its reoccurring,
And never ending.
Its the kind that jerks you awake,
In the middle of the night,
From the deepest slumber you have ever felt.
Its panic.
Its like you were laying there,
Not asleep,
But dead,
And then you're shocked back to life,
And your heart starts violently pumping blood,
The juices that keep you alive.
But then once you're awake,
And alive again,
You'd expect the nightmare to be over...
Right?
No.
Its not over.
It follows you throughout the day,
And then enters and takes control again,
At night,
When you're at your weakest,
Most vulnerable point,
When you're asleep.
This nightmare has a name,
Its called life.

"Why are you wearing a sweater?
Its the middle of July,
Aren't you hot in that?
Take that off.
And why are you wearing jeans?
You're gonna die of heat stroke.
Go put on some shorts."

Why am I wearing so much clothing?
Because I'm afraid.
I don't want to show my scars,
But more than I don't want to show my scars,
I don't want to show my cuts.
The new ones,
The ones that haven't an excuse.

Yes I'm hot.
I feel like I'm in hell.
I feel like I'm melting,
But at least the outside matches now,
Matches what I feel on the inside.

Take it off?
Take it off?!
Hell no.
There aint no way you're getting this off of me.
I'm hiding,
And I want to stay hidden.

I'm gonna die of heatstroke?
You mean it?
You really mean it?
If only...
Hang on,
Let me get another sweater then.

I'm not putting on shorts,
I'm not taking off this sweater.
You're not going to see me,
Not like this.

This is my plead,
My cry for help.
I need help.
I need you.
I dont want to need you,
But I do...
If not,
I dont know what will happen.
I dont want help,
But I need it.
This is my cry for help,
Help me before I change my mind.

Every year something goes wrong.
Every ******* year.
Is it so hard to not fight?
To not get hurt?
To not be mad at the people you love,
For just one day?
I dont want to be in the family anymore.
Today it is Thanksgiving...
So Santa,
I have a Christmas request.
Please fix my family,
Or get me a new one.

"Where did we go wrong?"
They say.
"How did such conservative parents,
Raise such a liberal daughter?"
Its called,
Drum roll please,
Shes gay.
And she wants human rights for her people.
She wants equality,
And change.

I've apparently saved their lives.
About 5 people have told me that,
But how?
I'm broken,
So how can I save them,
When I need saving myself?
They've saved me,
Not the other way around.

They say that life is like a heartbeat.
If there isnt any ups and downs,
Then you're dead.
But a pulse isnt supposed to go this low...

I see these marks on my legs,
And they're ugly.
It makes me want to get rid of them,
Destroy them.
But then I think,
"You idiot,
If you do that,
More marks will only appear"
Well,
****.

You have no idea how badly I just want to stop,
Stop everything.
Today is one those says that I honestly feel like everything would be ok,
If I was to just stop.
Stop walking,
Talking,
Breathing,
Beating,
Living.
I'm thankful for my life,
But I feel like I don't deserve it.
I've never felt like I deserve it.
But I was given it,
And I cant give it back,
There's no receipt.
So I'm stuck.
I'm like an annoying teenager on the phone,
Who keeps saying bye,
But never hangs up.
Well I'm still taking up the line.
Bye...
Bye...
Bye...
**** it,
I'm not going anywhere am I?

I'm sorry that I'm not perfect.
I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted me to be,
Not what you expected.
I'm sorry that you had to get stuck with me.
I'm sorry.

I'm scared.
I feel like I cant breathe.
I feel that I'm suffocating,
Dying.

There comes a point when you are so weak,
Tired,
And broken,
That you have to be strong.
You need to be strong enough,
To work the courage,
To say one line,
That will take everything from you.
"I need help."

"Are you gonna be ok?"
No.
I'm not.
I'm not ok,
And I dont think I will be for a long time.
I'm broken,
And crazy.
I need help,
I need somebody to reach out,
Grab me,
Hold me,
And never let me go,
But at the same time,
I dont want anyone near me.
Everyone needs to just go away.

Tonight is one of the nights that make me wish that I wouldn't have stopped.
I need it.
Tonight,
I need it.
I need its warm embrace.
I need to feel the cool metal as it goes across my skin,
And then the warm rush I get afterwards.
I need it,
And I cant do it.

You started out with me,
You were part of my family.
You called me *****.
And then you got ****** away from me.
I didn't see you for 3 and a half long,
Agonizing years.
And then all of a sudden you were back with us.
You don't remember me anymore,
I used to be your favorite person.
You stayed for a few months,
Long enough to get to know me,
Start to love me,
And call me ***** again,
And then,
You got ****** away.
Its been a year now,
And I've barley seen you.
I hear you're coming back,
To stay,
Possibly for good.
I hope you do,
I fear that if not,
One day the memories of me will fade,
And I'll be nothing but a stranger.
Your big sister will be nothing to you,
But a semi-familiar face in old photographs.

I love...
The way she smiles at the ground,
Whenever shes embarrassed.
The way that she makes funny faces,
When I take pictures.
The way she laughs at my stupid jokes.
How she says "I love you.",
And means it.
How she trusts me with the most important things in her life.
How she let me kiss away her tears.
How she turned to me,
When she needed someone to be there for her.
How she lets me kiss her cuts,
To make them better.
The way she holds my hand,
And leads me down the hall,
And marches on gaily,
Ignoring the comments people make.
The way she snuggles into me when we dance.
The way shes not afraid to be honest to herself,
And be who,
And what she wants to be,
Not what society wants her to be.
The way she loves me.
Her.

"Holiday Cheer"
A foreign concept to me.
For me,
And the family I live in,
There is not such thing as holiday cheer.
There is the holiday curse for us.
The holidays for us are not a happy time.
There is drama,
And fighting,
Cops occasionally,
And someone always ends up in the hospital.
Its not a one time thing,
That happened last year,
And that's all,
This is my 17th time going through the holidays,
And maybe the first 4 were all that had that,
"Holiday Cheer",
But after that,
It was all downhill.
Holiday cheer is for families,
True families who love each other.
I don't have a family.
I have a ******* soap opera.
Two days til Thanksgiving,
Let the games begin.

"You're so cute, I bet you have guys hanging off of you.
You could have any boy in the town.
I dont see why you don't have a boyfriend."
Well,
Thats because I don't want one.
Shut your face now,
K?
I dont want a boyfriend.
I want a girl.
Try to understand that.
I dont care if you accept it,
But give understanding a shot.
No mom,
I'm not asexual.
I do find people attractive,
But not particularly guys.
Quit making all these comments,
And just ask me.
I know its going through your head.
You're in denial.
You're worse than I was.
Ask me.
The next time I tell you,
"I dont want a boyfriend."
Let the words leave your mouth,
"Would you want a girlfriend?"
Just say it.
Its okay.

You cant go.
Please don't go.
I would die.
I would cease to exist,
Because I would follow you.
If you are to go,
Within a matter of weeks,
I would be gone too.
Because without you,
Why is it worth it?
You are so beautiful,
You're my world.
But my world needs to keep spinning.
When I hug you,
I put my head on your chest,
And I can feel your heartbeat.
Oh lord,
Please,
Never let the day come,
To where I cant no longer hear that song.
The song that your heart sings to me.

You actually like my poetry?
Why?
Its just the words of a broken nobody.
Its ****.

I love you.
I really love you.
You're one of my bestfriends.
I've known you for 5 years now.
You've always been beautiful,
Funny,
Smart,
And charming.
But something about you,
The way you are,
It drives me insane.
You're 10 times more amazing now.
I love you,
And I know you love me.
When our lips first touched...
It was...
Wow.
I love you.

I feel so guilty...
For every bite of food that I take.
For every scar I put on my body.
For everyone that I've hurt.
I feel so guilty for sometimes not wanting to be here,
When someone else is fighting for another day,
And they don't have a choice.

"Turning gay."
Oh how that term annoys me.
You cant just turn gay.
You're born that way,
Its the way you are.
You may realize it,
Or come to terms with it,
But you dont just wake up one day,
Out of the blue,
And say,
"Oh my gosh! I'm gay."
Because then it would be like a sickness.
Something that you can go get reversed.
Its not a sickness.
Its not something that can be changed,
With therapy,
Or meds.
You're born gay,
Or you're born straight.
Just like you were born with black skin,
White skin,
Brown skin,
Or whatever color skin you have.
You don't just turn to the other race,
Do you now?
You cant just turn to the sexuality.
You cant turn gay.

Love is love,
And details don't matter.
Love is caring,
And kind,
And affectionate.
It doesn't matter what the circumstances.

A man and a woman,
Two men,
Two women,
A black person and a white person,
A Mexican and Italian.
A Christian and a Jew.
An Atheist and Buddhist.
One who's 17 and one who's 22.

All of these are love.
I don't care what you say,
Or what your textbook definition of love is.
Nothing you say can change my mind.
Love is beautiful.
Now shut your mouth,
And stop the hate.

"But she was so beautiful."
They say.
Do tell,
Do you find the dead attractive?
Because when she was breathing,
Alive,
And living,
Apparently she was ugly.
She was fat,
And she was a *****.
But no.
Now that's shes dead shes beautiful?
Its the same shell.
The one you called fat,
You were just talking to her body,
And not her soul.
She was already dead inside.
So,
If shes dead,
Both physically and mentally now,
And shes beautiful,
Then why,
When she was just mentally dead,
Was she ugly,
Or fat,
Or a *****?
Apparently the dead are attractive,
You seem to think so.

Such a bad,
Sad,
And terrible thing...
When somebody says,
"Its great to finally see your smiling face."
Shes known me for years.
But she never sees it,
Because I'm never smiling.

"I kissed a girl and I liked it"
I was a little girl,
Of about 11 singing that.
I loved Katy Perry.
At that age,
I had no shame,
And I knew of no hate.
No hate in being gay.
Little did I know,
That would be me.
"I kissed a girl and I liked it."

I cant bare it.
I cant take it anymore.
I cant stay away from you.

You are beautiful.
You are lovely.
You drag me in,
And make me fall,
Over,
And over,
And over again,
For you.
I cant stay away from you.

I love you.
I always have,
I always will.
I cant stay away from you...
But who said I wanted to?

I messed up.
Big time.
I really did,
But whats done is done.
I can't go back an change it,
And even if I could,
I wouldn't.
I'm sorry,
But I'm not sorry for what I did,
Because it felt so right.
I don't regret what I did,
My only regret is that you had to be with me through all this.
I'm only sorry that I hurt you.

I sat on the pew,
Squirming.
I was so uncomfortable.
The only thing going through my head was thoughts of turmoil.
The preacher asked,
"If you were to die right now,
Where would you go?
Could you honestly look at the person beside of you and say,
'I would go to Heaven?'"
I couldn't.
I looked over at my bestfriend,
And just shook my head.
A tear trickled down my face,
And I reached out and took his hand.
He told me it would all be ok.
Its not though...
Its not gonna be ok,
Or at least it doesn't feel like it.
I want to...
Be saved?
I'm not sure.
I want to feel like I belong in the church.
I want to find God,
But am I worthy?
Am I worth of his glory?
Am I worthy enough to be accepted into his kingdom,
When my time on Earth has come to an end?
I feel like I've messed up so much,
Too much,
That don't have a hope,
Or chance,
For a spot in Heaven.

"What the **** did I just do?"
That line keeps repeating over and over in my head.
It made me so happy,
But the guilt is eating me alive.
What the **** did I just do?
And why did I do it?

We sat there,
Together,
And alone.
In perfect trust.
We took down our walls,
And things fell apart.
I wanted to cry,
I tried fight back the tears.
After all was done,
I wiped the tears from my face,
Held his hand,
And whispered,
"Thanks for being my bestfriend."

"I could stare at your eyes all day."
She says.
I wish she would.
Because at the same time shes staring at me,
I'm staring back at her.

These feelings,
They tear me apart inside.
I don't know what to do.
It feels right,
But at the same time,
It feels so wrong.
I can't help but to think about it,
And when I do,
I feel that my soul is on fire.
I feel that I'm about to go into a panic attack.
I want to be normal,
But more than that,
I just want to be happy.

It was my sanctuary,
My place of peace,
And love.
It was my safe haven.
It WAS,
But it's not anymore.
It was the one place where my thoughts were free of turmoil.
I didn't have any bad thoughts,
Not one...
Until tonight.
The thoughts came creeping up on me,
They surrounded me,
And my world shattered.
It is still my sanctuary,
But its not the same...
Its not as safe.
Its tainted.

It has been so long.
So freaking long,
And its driving me insane.
There's a craving.
A need.
I need it.
I need the blood,
I need the blades.
I feel that I need it back,
But I can't go back.
I have to go on,
I have to stay strong.

Throughout all the pain,
I still stand there,
Smiling.
I cant be weak,
I cant show how scared I am.
I have to stay strong,
Hold back the tears,
And smile.

Don't stand there and treat me with pity,
If you pity me,
Then tell me.
If you you hate me,
Then tell me.
Don't treat me like the lesser,
Because I'm not.
Don't treat me like I'm sick,
Or confused...
Because I'm not.
Gay does not mean lesser.
It doesn't mean sick,
And it doesn't mean confused.
It means that we are open,
Open and beautiful...
We can see the possibilities of love.
We have a different view on life.
We see things from a different perspective.
We're not lesser,
Or sick,
Or confused.
We're different.
Please,
Learn to understand that.

You don't understand,
And you never will.
It is beyond you capability.
You don't understand.
How cant you though?
Its love,
Is it not?
Just the same...
Just like you,
But you hate,
And you bash.
Why?
Two people,
In love...
Do they not have the right to love one another?
Marry each other?
Its just the same?
No?
Why is it different?
Why must you hate?
We're both human...
Are we not?
Don't all humans deserve love?
Why deny love,
Its such a beautiful thing...
We are equals,
Equals in love,
And in life,
Now treat us like it.
I know you don't understand,
But try.

Fake a smile,
Fake a laugh,
Hide your scars,
And wipe your tears.
The words I live by.
No more excuses.
It was the cat.
You have a cat?
Oh…
I cant do this anymore.
Breathe in,
And breathe out,
But its getting harder.
The pain,
Its getting stronger,
While Im getting weaker.
I cant do this anymore.
Goodbye.

What is this?
What can it be?
For I love you...
I think.
I'm terribly confused.
You act as though you love me....
But do you?
I didn't think it was possible.
I didn't think I was your "type".

I trusted you,
I gave you my heart,
And you broke it.
Its shattered.
Broken,
Beyond repair.

"I'm done."
Typically when I say this,
People start to freak.
They think that I am done with life,
That I am done with living...
But I'm not.
I'm going in the opposite direction.
I'm done.
The blades,
The ones I held so dear...
I've said goodbye to.
I'm done.
No more.

Ohh...
Another year has passed?
How little I've grown.
How little I've changed.
Another year down the drain.
I'm just the same as the year before.
Sad,
Depressed,
Upset,
Broken...
But smiling,
Just like always.

The pretty,
Pretty,
Words.
On pretty,
Pretty,
Paper.
Thank you pretty little words.
It better than red ugly ones.

You are my friend,
And I love you.
I would do anything for you.
I'm here for you when you need help,
Just as you are for me.
I know you're holding on by a thread,
But I wont let you fall.
And if you do,
Which you wont,
I will go get you.
I will travel to the depths of hell,
And pull you back up out of the flames,
And on to the clouds.
Cloud nine.
Because thats what friends do.

I am human.
You cannot control me.
This cannot control me.
I am more than just a label.
Labels do not run my life.
When you think of me,
Why must you be so shallow?
Am I not human?
The only thing that comes to mind…
Gay.
I am gay,
But that is not all I am.
When you describe a straight person,
What do you use?
Beautiful?
Smart?
Funny?
You never describe them with straight,
Then why do you describe me with gay?
Am I not beautiful?
Am I not smart?
Am I not funny?
Can I not be those things too?
Or am I just gay?
Is that all I am to you?
Gay?
A label?
A three lettered word?
Because I’m not.
I am a girl.
And,
I am human,
Just like you.

"Whats wrong?"
They ask.
"Nothing."
I say.
"I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
They say.
"Then quit looking."

You have no idea how much I care about you,
How much I love you.
You have no idea how fast my heart races whenever I see you,
And how I feel like I cant breathe when you're not around.
You have no idea the feeling that I get when you're holding me,
And kissing me.
You have no idea how much you mean to me.

A new house,
A new room,
A new beginning.
Whats this?
A new family?
Its the same people,
But its like they hit a restart button.
The same bed,
Same couch,
Same clothes,
Different walls.
Different skin.
Same hauntings,
Different ghosts.
Everythings the same,
But nothings the same,
Everythings different,
But nothing has changed.
Oh,
Whats this?
An act?
Perhaps.