Suicide
Understaning. Don't think that people don't understand, because they do.
I** love you. People love you.
Care. Care about your life. It's important, I promise.
Inform. Inform other people of what you're going through. They cant help you if they dont know.
Don't think to fast. You only get one life. Don't end it with one bad thought.
Eventually everyone feels like you do. You're not alone.

"Hey mom",
I say.
"Can you go get me another pencil sharpener?
Mine...
Umm,
It broke."
"Sure thing."
She says.
She comes back with a set of 12 small ones.
"You break yours all the time,"
She says,
"Will this do?"
"Thats perfect."
I say,
And I walk away to my room.
All this time,
I've been using led pencils.

Who am I?
What am I?
The way she makes me feel,
Its just...
Wow.
She makes me feel alive,
And new.
No man has ever done that for me.
It makes me wonder...
Who am I?
What am I?

I love you,
Oh so much.
But our love is forbidden,
Its a secret we must hide.
It tears me apart,
That I can only see you,
Kiss you,
Love you,
In secret.
I miss you.

Do you ever have that one song stuck in your head?
Its stuck in there for weeks and you dont know why...
You cant remember all the lyrics,
So you go look it up,
And you learn,
And then you understand.
You understand why its been in your head,
Its the story of your life.

The shadows are beautiful,
Amazing,
Little creations.
They can hide what we want hidden,
But they also hold the key to our fears.
The shadows are all knowing.
They have our secrets.
Secrets of love,
Passion,
Mistakes.
They also have our worst nightmares.
The nightmares twirl around our secrets,
And keep them captive.
The shadows,
So dark,
So lovely.
So dangerous.

I thought they were hidden so well,
I thought I was doing a good job,
Apparently not.
She saw them,
And now I'm scared.

What is poetry?
Poetry is more than just words.
Its more than letters on paper.
Its a persons soul.
They transfer their soul into words,
So that they can express themselves.
Its not stupid,
And it doesn't make them a *****.
It makes them beautiful.

There she was.
Her parents found her lying on the floor,
not moving,
not breathing.
Her mother screams in terror,
But her father can't say a word.
Something catches his eye,
A note,
Lying on her bed.
He walks over,
Picks it up,
And begins to read.
It says,
"I apologize.
I love you both dearly,
But,
I could not stay.
I couldn't bear it any longer.
I was already gone,
Dead inside.
I'm sorry.
You shouldn't have to see me like this.
But,
Know one thing,
I'm happier now.
I'm in a better place,
I'm at peace.
Resting in peace.
Please don't cry,
Don't be sad.
I just went away,
Its not like I wont see you again.
I look forward to that day,
The day in which I see your smiling faces,
And you see mine.
I'll see you up in paradise.
I love you."
Her father fell,
On his knees,
His body filled with horror,
And shock.
He cried,
And cried,
And cried.
He wanted to know where...
Where he had went wrong.
And when...
When he had lost his little girl.
She was his world.
And now,
His world was gone.
It was physically there,
On the floor,
Pale,
Gray,
Marks all over its arms,
And legs.
But,
His world was gone.
It was destroyed,
Shattered into a million pieces.
He could never get her back,
And now,
There was nothing he could do.
He felt helpless.
He sat there with his wife,
And they both cried.
They cried a billion tears,
Tears that seemed to never stop.

Her little brother walked into the room,
And saw his sister laying there,
Motionless,
And dead.
That night was the night he first cut his wrists...
And then the cycle begins again.

Seven years ago,
To the day,
His sister took her own life.
Suicide.
He was only a boy,
11 years old.
He didn't understand.
He didn't know why,
Or how she did what she did,
Only that she was gone.
He looked up to her,
After all,
She was his older sister.
She was beautiful,
And strong,
But apparently not as strong as everyone thought.
One day,
He noticed something curious.
She had six tiny red marks on her arm.
The next day,
She had even more.
After that,
She always wore sleeves,
So he never saw her arms again.
He asked her what the marks were.
After a very long silence she responded with,
A simple sentence of,
"They are there to show that the pain can go away,
At least for a little while."
And then she walked away.
That sentence had always stuck with him.
The pain could go away.
He had never felt enough pain,
So much pain,
To turn to what she did,
Until that night.
The night he lost his sister.
That little boy,
Hes now a man.
Hes 18 years old,
And he hasn't went more than a week,
More than a week since that night,
Without cutting.
He goes to school,
And its hell.
He gets bashed for anything,
And everything.
They call him ***,
Emo,
Gay,
Loser,
Pathetic,
So many things...
He can ignore all those things,
But there's one thing he cant.
The one thing that hurt him the most is what some ******* had said.
"Why don't you go **** yourself?
Just like your sister.
Nobody would care."
He ran out of the school,
Crying.
He felt that everything,
Every single word they had said,'
That it was all true.
Nobody would care.
They wouldn't care if he was gone.
His mom,
She's now a drunk.
His dad,
He hasn't seen him in six years,
After his parents divorce.
His sister was gone,
And all his friends are too ****** to even remember him.
Nobody cares.
After he got home,
That same day,
He wrote a letter.
It wasn't addressed to anyone,
Just anyone who would listen.
He wrote as he cried.
When he was finished he slit his wrists,
For one last time.
He went to his closet,
And put on his Sunday best.
He climbed on a chair,
And slipped the rope around his neck,
And...
Stop.
Something caught his eye.
He saw a girl.
A girl of about 16,
Walk past his door,
And down the hall,
Towards his sisters old room.
He got down,
And he followed her.
She went through the door,
And into his sisters room.
He followed her.
When he walked in,
He was overcome by total shock.
He saw his sister,
Sitting there on the floor,
Where they had found her body.
She beckoned him over.
He sat down beside her,
And laid his head on her cool lap.
She talked,
And talked,
And talked.
She convinced him to hold out,
And stay strong.
She saved his life.
She was his guardian angel.
Everyone has a guardian angel.
Some are on Earth,
Others are in Heaven.
A guardian angel is someone who looks out for you,
And someone who cares about you,
And loves you.
In this case,
He was saved by his guardian angel,
His sister.
If you cant find yours,
Then you're not looking hard enough.
Be strong,
And carry on.
Life is worth living.
It may **** now,
But life wont give you more than you can handle.
It gets better.
Just have faith.

You stupid little girl,
You should have known.
You should have protected your heart.
You should have locked it up,
And threw away the key,
So no one could hurt you.
But,
You didn't.
You let him in.
You let him love you,
And hold you,
And then he left.
He tore your heart right out of your chest,
And left nothing but a shell.
Now you're sitting there,
Tired,
Betrayed,
Heart broken,
Lost,
And just plain broken inside.
So there,
Stupid little girl?...
Will you ever love again?

You say you're sorry?
Stop.
Just stop.
Its only empty words,
And lies.
You're not sorry,
You never were,
And you never will be.

I am blind.
Not completely,
But it feels like it.
Without my glasses I am.
But I dont see this as a curse,
I see it as a blessing.
For I can take off my glasses,
And hide.
I can hide from the world.
All the hatred,
And all the ugliness,
Its a bliss feeling.
To be able to sit there,
And not see anything,
And be separated from the world.
But when you want to be part of the world again,
All you must do is slip on those glasses.
It feels like you have control over the world.

I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
I see pain.
I see no beauty,
Only an ugly face,
And a fat body.
I see red marks all over my legs,
And on the inside of my arms,
They're ugly.
They're imperfections.
And then I feel horrible,
So horrible to the point that I make more,
And more,
And more.
And then I feel even more hideous.
It feels like a never ending cycle.

I have so many secrets,
Secrets I want to tell you,
But I don't know how.
I want to,
But I cant.
I feel that I cant trust you,
Trust you with the information that I hold so dear to me.
I'm afraid.
I dont want to tell you and then you leave.
Think I'm weird,
And just go.
And then all the progress I would have made,
The progress within my secrets,
It will have vanished.
So now I sit,
Alone,
Silent.
Holding all my secrets on the inside.

Happy Birthday?
Is it really happy?
Family forced to get together that doesn't want to be together to celebrate someone getting one year closer to death,
Who also doesn't want to be there.
Its that one day of the year where people who you never talk to,
Who you didn't even know you were friends with on Facebook post two words on your wall and ignore you for another 365 days.
The "Happy" in "Happy Birthday" isn't there anymore.
Its just a day when people are forced to smile,
And eat ****** cake,
And spend wasted money.
Whats the point anymore?

Being gay is not a choice,
Its who you are.
Would you tell a black person their skin is dark because they chose it?
Or that a little person is short because they chose just not to grow?
Is that would you would say to them?
No.
Then why would you tell a gay person its their choice to like the same ***?

I want to leave this place.
Get out and see the world.
I have a burning haste,
To get out and see the world.

Im stuck in this small town,
And I want to leave.
It suffocating, and pushing me down,
I want to leave.

There are places to go,
I need to go now.
There are plenty of shows,
And I need to go now.

But Im stuck in this small town,
And for now,
Im not going anywhere.

As a kid, at about 6 or so, my father and I would go down to the lake and skip rocks.
At first mine would only go a few skips, but my fathers would go nearly 30.
Then I practiced and practiced.
By the time I was 7, I could make it to 15 skips.
By 8 I was at 25 skips.
By 9 mine could go farther than my fathers.
It was that day when my rock went 30 skips that I gazed wide eyed at the world.
I sat on the bank and stared at the lake.
I looked up at my father and asked a very dramatic question for a 9 year old.
"What is the meaning to life? Why do we live?"
Puzzled my dad asked "What do you mean?"
I responded with " I just spent 3 years trying to beat you, at skipping a rock across water of all things. So why?"
Still to this day 7 years later I don't have an answer to that question.

I hate lying about them.
I hate making excuses about it.
I hate having to hide them.
I hold them precious to me.
Hopefully one day,
I will look at them and smile,
Because then the pain will be gone.
I will have made it through.
But that light at the end of the tunnel is so far away.
What if that light is just a train?
With the head lights glaring at me?
And its not me thats moving towards the light...
Its the light thats moving towards me?
I feel that I'm on the road to disaster,
And I'm only at a pit-stop.
Eventually,
As I fear,
I will get back on that road.
I dont want to go back,
But I'm not sure how not to.

I have a secret,
That only a few know,
They think its just marks,
But its my pain that shows.
I have a secret,
That I like to hide.
People will judge,
And I can't handle that...
I have a secret,
But its becoming more obvious.
I dont even care anymore.
People see the marks...
I'm lost.
I'm just a lost little girl.
Too much for me to handle,
Too much stress,
So much pain.
So much pain that I just become numb.

I wish I could erase the memories of you,
Or hide them away,
Or just forget about them...
But I cant.
Because they're written here on my arm,
And they're not going anywhere.

Fake a smile,
And fake a laugh.
Hide your tears,
And hide your cuts.
Polish your pain off with sparkling eyes,
And dazzling teeth.
Don't let them see whats going on in your head.
Don't let them know all the times you've cried,
How you cant stand to look at yourself in the mirror,
How you feel guilty every time you eat.
They cant know.
For all they know,
You're the happiest person alive.

I feel like I'm drowning,
Or smothering,
Or suffocating...
I cant breathe anymore.
Its a lot of work.
Inhale,
Exhale.
Somedays thats all I can think when I sit in class.
I'm miserable,
And I'm not sure as to why.

Fear...
It comes sneaking up on you,
And then it pounces.
Like a cat would on a mouse.
It takes you by surprise,
And it seems to rip your heart out.
It comes out of no where,
Thin air.
You're sitting alone,
Happy and smiling.
Nothing happens,
Nothing to really trigger it,
But there it is.
The pain.
Feeling your heart stop and then go a mile a minute.
Feeling your throat completely close and then open and then close again,
As you're gasping desperately for air.
Feeling the need to rip into two,
And leave part of you sitting there,
And just run,
And never stop,
And never look back.
But you cant.
You cant do that.
You stay sitting there.
You're paralyzed.
You cant move,
Or breathe,
Or cry,
Or scream.
No matter how much you want to.
And then everything relaxes,
But the pain and fear,
They haven't left.
Your body is in shock.
But now you can cry.
Now you can scream.
Now you can move.
But the worst part is over now.
So you just sit there,
Curled up in a ball,
Rocking back and forth,
Crying.
Traumatized,
Scared to death...
By nothing.

Am I still human?
Because it feels like I'm a monster.
I'm looked at like I'm a monster,
So then I start to believe them.
I feel like this makes me less of a human,
Like my humanity instantly vanished.
So answer me this,
Am I a human?
Or...
Am I a monster?
I fear it.
For it is the thing that everyone hates.
No one wants to be made to feel like that,
Everyone just wants to fit in...
So why can't I?
Flaws and all?
Does that 1 fact make me that different?
Does it matter so much that I cant fit in anymore?
Why does it make me a monster?
Why?
I am still human am I not?
Or did my humanity fly out the window with 2 simple words?
"I'm gay."

All around me.
They surround me.
My demons,
They're everywhere.
Some are inside my head,
But others are not.
Some are people.
People who cause me harm,
Or heart ache,
They are demons too.
But they're the ones I cant push aside.
Or make go away.
Because I love them?
Those demons in my head,
They're sometimes my friends,
And my friends...
They're sometimes my demons.

I said I wasn't mad,
Because I wasn't.
I was sad,
And upset,
And disappointed.
But mad?
I could never be mad at you.

You don't like me?
So you shove me up against the lockers,
You push me down the stairs,
Or you trip me in the halls?
You try to beat the gay out of me.
Its not working.
I don't like me either.
I've tried the same...
Just not with fists...

If you think that this is optional,
Then you are very mistaken my friend.
This is not optional.
I wish it was.
I wish I was normal.
I wish I didn't feel this way.
But I do.
And its not a disease.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Its just how I am.
I didn't choose to be this way,
But I'm working on it.
I'm working on accepting it.
And you telling me that its optional,
That isn't helping.
It makes me feel bad.
That maybe I'm the only one who has no choice.
No voice in the matter.
It makes me feel alone all over again.

I'm strong,
And I've been strong.
I'm strong for you.
I'm trying to show you...
Show you possibilities.
That things can get better.
But you wont watch.
You wont listen.
You're holding on...
But you're not strong.
You're weak,
And I see you slipping.
I reach out my hand to try to help you up...
But you wont reach up for it.
You can't just hold on forever.
You need help,
And you need support,
But you have to let me.
You have to grab my hand,
So I can give you help.
You have to stay with me.
You have to keep holding on,
Not only that,
But you have to stay strong.

People cry,
I cry.
Its what we do,
And its okay.
We cry because we have pain.
And we just need to let some of that pain go.
We don't cry because we're weak,
But we do it so we can continue to stay strong.
We cry because we've been strong,
And holding on too long,
That we just break down.
And thats okay.
Its all okay.

Dear little fly,
Buzzing by,
Please shut up,
Or you shall surely die.

So many tears...
Crying so much that it almost becomes meaningless.
I cried more than I smiled.
I was so sad..
But things are better now.
Now I'm smiling more than crying.
The tears now mean more,
But my smile still means just as much.

At the first touch of our lips,
My world crumbled around me.
I felt like I was on cloud nine.
Then she kissed me again...
It was so exhilarating.
I finally felt that spark in the kiss that everyone talks about.
Then before I knew it,
I was against the wall.
She kissed me again,
And then we both giggled.
Then she moved away from my lips,
She kissed my face,
And then my neck.
My body felt like electricity had just gone through it,
And I nearly melted to the floor.
I made her stop and I pulled away,
Even though I didn't want to.

I was sad,
And broken...
I felt alone.
I felt like no one understood the way I felt.
But she did.
She let me know-
That I wasn't alone,
And that she loved me.
I felt a little better.
There was now a possibility that someone knew how I felt,
And knew what the demons were whispering in my ear.
Shes there for me.
Shes my love.

With all my heart,
I wish only this.
All I wish is...
To touch you...
Kiss you...
Love you...
Hold you...
Love you...
Smell you...
Love you...
Feel you...
Love you...
Be with you...
Love you...
Have you love me...
Love you...
Listen to me...
Did I mention love you?
But I can't.
I know this,
Not now.
I can only do one thing,
Sit here.
Painfully watching you.
I'm chained to you,
I'm chained to your memory.
I dream,
And I dream.
Dream of a day when I can love you.
That day may never come again,
That is why its just a dream.
A dream I wish would come true.
If only,
If only,
If only it would...
I would be the happiest girl in the world.

I have so many emotions,
So many things going around in my head.
For over 3 years...
Pain.
I've felt like there's been a constant tornado...
In my head...
And in my heart...
Swirling around,
Leaving nothing but destruction.

Sometimes I feel that I'm in my own hell,
But I know that Heaven is still there.
I know that someones up there,
Watching out for me.
I know.
I have moments where I feel ridiculous.
Like I have someone elses perspective.
I see myself as a silly child.
A monster...
I tell myself,
"Just cheer up."
"Your life is good."
"What do you have to worry about?"
But then I go back to seeing me the way I always do...
I dont want to be like this.

Some days I feel dead inside.
Physically my body's moving,
But I'm just going through all the motions.
My eyes are dead.
My soul is...
Dead.
I am mentally...
Dead.
I'm numb.

There are so many ways,
So many empty ways to say 1 word.
Sorry.
Am I sorry?
Do I really mean it?
I want them to think I mean it.
I dont mean it.
If I did,
The act would feel shameful,
But it doesn't.
Only their faces...
When they stare at me.
They stare like I'm a monster.
Am I?

How do I tell him?
I love him dearly...
But.

There it is,
There's always a but.

He is not what I want.
I love him...
But HE'S a HIM.

I want a she.
I want a her.

I love him,
And I would be happy to spend my life with him,
But...
There it is again.

We don't click.
We click physically,
But not emotionally,
Not for me.

I love him...
But...
And again,
There's that word.
I love him,
But I love girls.
This is all terribly confusing.

I don't want to be this way.
He doesn't want me to be this way.
My parents don't want me to be this way.
Apparently God loves me,
But doesn't want me to be this way...

Then why am I?

I want to be normal.
I dont want to look at girls this way...
The way that normal girls look at guys.

So then,
I move my attention.
I focus myself in my arts,
And music.
I just want to focus on that,
Instead of what I am.

But...
Haha there it is again.
I'm curious.
I want answers.

Why?
Why am I this way?
Why am I an "abomination"?
What caused me to be this way?
Because I didn't choose to be this way,
And this isn't a phase.

I have liked girls since before pre-k.
I liked guys too,
But only because I felt like I was supposed to.
Because I had to.
I still feel like I have to.

I have to pretend that I'm not this way...
Gay...
It feels like a bad word.
I have to pretend that I dont find her attractive.
Pretend to be someone I'm not...

I've always said that my guy friends see me as one of the guys,
But they dont.
I do.
I see myself as one of the guys.

I hate being this way.
Do I like guys at all?
Am I a lesbian?
That seems like another bad word...
I have no clue.
For right now,
At least,
I consider myself bi...
Because I know I like girls,
But the rest...
sigh
It's so confusing.

I'm burning.
I'm in hell.
I feel removed,
Almost like I'm watching a movie.
Watching everything buzz around me.
I'm not sure how long I can stay...
Good?
Clean?
I'm slipping back.
I don't want to.
But I am.
"I can't escape this hell,
So many times I've tried."
Can somebody please...
Please.
Just listen to those lyrics.
Get me through this hell.
I need help,
I need out,
Please.

Is it me?
Because it seems to be.
Everyone around me is so sad.
I dont know what to do.
I try to help,
But they just push me away.
I'm trying,
But I cant.
Meanwhile...
I'm sitting here heart broken,
And they're fading away.

What lies beneath,
We may never know,
Of a magical monster afraid to show.
They swim in the deep,
Never to peak,
At the world they are soon to know.
With the head of a human,
And the tail of a fish,
This magical creature lays below,
Told by a man,
From centuries ago.
Their beauty's amazing,
Their sirens are deadly,
This magical monster lays below.

Quit your crap.
Quit saying gay is okay,
Because it obviously isn't.
If it was then it would be accepted,
It would be normal.
Things aren't okay.
It feels right,
But I feel that I'm being brain washed,
My mind being manipulated to think that its bad.
I'm being told its wrong,
That I'm an abomination,
That I need to change.
I don't want to change,
I want society to.

If only you knew,
If only you could understand,
The one thing that means so much to me.
Love.
I love you.
Its not traditional,
But its true.
Its love.
Love is love,
And details aren't important.
I love you.
I hope,
This is my one hope,
That you love me too.

Dream?
Floating through the air,
Looking at the sun.
It feels like a dream,
But it's not.
I'm on a cloud.
Cool air rushing past my face.
Maybe it's a dream.
It feels like a dream.
A dream I want to never end.

I was lost.
Not physically,
But mentally.
I was wondering around,
Trying to figure out who I was.
But now I know.
I’m not lost anymore.
I was trying to be someone I wasn’t.
I was trying to change for other people.
I know who I am now.
I’m me.
I’m weird.
But my weirdness is what makes me unique.
***** being normal.
***** all the people who mess with you.
Be you,
And be who you are.
That’s a right that everyone deserves.
Be who you want to be.
Be happy.
Don’t hate yourself.
You’re the only you that you have.
This, I learned the hard way.
Be yourself,
Even if it goes against what everyone else says.
Stay fabulous,
My darling.

I once was broken,
But now I’m healed.
My life was ruined,
Down in the deeps.
You broke my heart,
It shattered like glass.
My angel made me better,
No thanks to you.
I have someone now,
To fill in the hole.
When you left,
So did my pain.
My pain is gone.
My heart is healed.
I am now happy,
All thanks to my angel.
I would have never met my angel if not for you,
And for that,
My dear,
I must thank you.