The air is intoxicating,
And malodorous.

I feel it suffocating me,
It saddens me.

Makes me feel nothing,
But nothing is a feeling so complex,
Because nothing is something,
And something is not nothing.

I can feel the air,
Tightening around me like a fist fighting death.

I can feel I----
Nothing.

I see it,
The way you look at me
When you believe I am not awake.

I see the pity and fear in your eyes,
The emotions you try to hide.

I recognize them,
Only because I see them in mine.

Wretched emotions that I often run from,
Find me more often then not.

But only,
Because I cannot stop.

I do not stop and feel.
Because feeling could mean,
Accepting something is wrong.

Maybe not accepting it,
Will make me think it is not true.
Because accepting it,
Makes it even more powerful then before.

So I cannot,
Stop.
Because stopping,
Means feeling.

I don't want to die.
It's to easy.

If you love someone what do you do?
How do you know if they love you too?

I feel like,
Maybe he won't leave me.

But it's a very,
Scary thing to think.

Either we will be married,
Or he will leave.

If you really wish to be with me,
You must know certain things.

Like my insecurities
Rules most of my personality.

I'm bipolar,
When I am happy,
It's like happiness is right next to me.
But when I'm sad,
It's like I've never felt happiness.

When I am with you though,
It's like happiness is completely in your control.

I can hear music,
In everything you do.

Music is and always has been,
My passion.

It is there when I need someone,
It has been my shoulder to cry on many times.

Music,
Is my lifeline.

Maybe,
Your my new lifeline.

When your laughing,
I hear whimsical bells dancing in the wind.

When your crying,
I hear violins softly playing.

When your mad,
I hear an piano piece, loud and abrupt.

When you say you love me,
I hear loud, beautiful, guitars strumming a quick beat.

You make my heart beat faster,
Then any of your music.

I hope my words set fire to your heart.

I hope my words fill you with so much passion,
It hurts.

I hope that my words are so intense,
It makes you want to cry.

But I never hope my words,
Make you wish to die.

What if the illnesses,
Were human?

Would depression be an emo kid,
With long black hair, and dark clothes?

Would he hide out alone,
Finding comfort in things that bring others misery?

Would bipolar be popular,
Then unpopular the next day?

Would he hang out with different people,
Every other day?

Would anxiety be a kid,
Would he hide in a hoodie,
Fearing what lurks around every corner?

Would he be sporty to get out the energy,
Or would he be very cautious,
Always picking at something.

Would ADHD be a kid,
Shaking so fast you could hardly see him?

Would he be sporty,
Trying to get out all his energy?

What you wouldn't realize
Is most of us are our disorders,
But only because we let them consume us.

I tell you that I love the way you draw.

The way you draw,
It's like you're seeing perfection right before you,
And you're not seeing what you're doing,
But rather what you're feeling,
Or imagining.

You're just showing what your mind sees.

I love you,
More than an astrologer,
Loves the sky.

I love you,
More than an lawyer,
Loves arguing.

I love you,
More than a cow,
Loves to eat.

I love you,
More than a banker,
Loves money.

I love you,
More than you,
Love me.

I softly whisper the words,
That have been played through my mind,
Millions of times.

I love you

I don't care,
If you believe it is true,
Because I know that it is undeniably true.

I love you

It is becoming bothersome,
The amount of times,
Your name has been said.

Each time it triggers my heart,
Quick like a rabbits,
Happy like a kid awarded,
With a fresh ice cream cone.

Why is it I cannot seem to get you,
Out
Of
My head

Please,
I'm pleading with you now,
Never leave me.

I am afraid that if you do,
This thing they call heartbreak,
Will consume,
The being I call me.

So,
Please,
Once again,
Never leave me.

Is it bad that I know it is impossibly true,
That I am once again falling for you.

Yet I am choosing to do nothing because,
Without a doubt,
No matter how much I deny it,
Or how much I hide it,
I miss you.

I want to feel your warmth,
I want you to hold me, tightly,
With so much love that the happiness,
Invites me,
Deeper into this thing we call love.

I am becoming trapped in my own happiness,
When you smile and tell me that you love me too.

I can't honestly believe you are changing me.

But you are.

Your imprinting on me like a fresh scar.

I’m screaming at the whispers of you
To shut up.

Asking them to just let me believe I’m happy.

Because if I can’t convince myself
How can I convince you?

It's almost like you can't see I'm in pain.

I may have hurt you but you have broken my heart too,
Now it's like a broken window pain.

I feel the hot air strong in the room,
It is surrounding you.

Maybe thats what your anger must do,
Surround you in heat,
So that others won't wish to step through.

Maybe thats a thing you must do,
Surround yourself in misery,
So others don't see the insanity.

Insanity is what misery brings,
They walk together,
These evil things.

Insanity,
Misery,
Walk together,
Don't you see?

I sense a hint of crazy in you*

I sense your senses are off because its more than a hint.

I have tried to be perfect.

I have tried to be nice.

But it seems neither will,
suffice.

So I will try to be different.

With a little attitude.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who you can go to at 4am,
And cry your heart out.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who knows who you are,
Behind the makeup and the smile

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who makes the pain disappear,
For a little while.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who understand it's okay,
To not be okay.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who knows that when you say,
"I'm going to bed"
It really means you're gonna think,
For hours on end.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who knows the difference between,
I'm fine and I'm in pain.

I want to smile,
Without pain in my heart.

I want to laugh,
Without feeling like I am being judged.

I want to cry,
Tears that hold so much joy it's hard to handle.

I want to be happy,
I've been sad for way too long.

I want you to smile,
Like you have never felt pain.

I want you to sing,
Like no one is listening.

I want you to play,
Like you are in a roomful of people,
But your the only one with an imagination.

I want you to scream to the stars,
Like they are about to fall on you.

I want you to be in control,
Because this is your life.

I was once so alone,
It felt as if I locked myself in a room,
And lost the key.

I was once so depressed,
It was as if my heart had taken,
The Broken Express.

I was once so bipolar,
That only saying Hi,
Would trigger my disorder.

I was once so hurt,
It felt like a million bandages,
Would never work.

But what you don't see,
Is that those things are all,
A part of me.

I still have those things,
I just hide them,
Deep down inside of me.

For I am afraid,
If I show myself,
That thats not the girl,

That everyone wants me to be.

I watched as the rain pooled in the wells of your cheeks,
The shadows fought for dominance between the cracks in your teeth.

I watched as the light left your eyes,
Your wandering soul pulling its way out of them.

I watched as your breath fought to make your chest rise again,
Hammering its way up and down, like a jackhammer on a mission.

I’m sorry that I saw stars in your eyes,
And I fell for you, yet I wasn’t there when the light left.

I’m sorry I saw flowers within your heart,
And I picked a few, but I wasn’t there to pick you up when you fell.

I’m sorry I heard birds sing each time you took a breath,
And I held a few of those birds, but I never let go and you suffocated.

I’m sorry that I fell in love with your smile,
But I got nervous and left to quickly.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for loving you,
Because regardless of the nights we spent smiling,
I left and you fell apart.

And lastly I’m sorry,
I’m sorry I never told you I was falling apart too

Jealousy laced with possessory,
Ripping into this thing called me.

She’s like a porcelain doll,
But you kiss,
You kiss those poison lips.

For I may be jealousy laced with possessory,
But she will make you pain laced with insanity.

This guy I know,
Brings me more smiles then I would like to show.

This guy I know,
Never fails to shock me.

This guy I know,
Let me sit with him,
Even when I thought I was hated by him.

He seems to accept me,
For being the completely weird me.

This guy I know,
His name being Joe,
Is a really good friend,
Even to a girl like me.

Joey,
This crazy boy I know.

His tight hugs in the morning make me smile,
I kinda wish they could last a little while..

His bright eyes,
Shine when he smiles.

He may just be a crazy boy I know,
But he is also so trustworthy,
Even if it doesn't show.

I don't really think Joey,
Is just a crazy boy that knows me,
He might also be,
A crazy boy that knows the true me..

I don't kiss with my lips.
I kiss with my heart.
My soul.
I show you what you mean to me.
You would be lucky to get a kiss from me.

Smile,
Brighter then the sun.

His eyes,
Could see right through you.

If you let him.

When asked if I believe in love,
I say not anymore.

Not after I have witnessed things,
That hold so much hatred that,
I can't fathom how anyone could.

Love,
Seems so unrealistic,
Seems so fake.

The way people talk about love,
Makes me wish that it did exist.

But with all the hatred in this world,
How is love possible?

How is love possible in a world full of,
Hate.

Maybe if hatred wasn't such a potent part of this world,
It could have a chance to exist.

But at this moment love is a dying cause,
It is long gone.

You ask me to write about love...

What is love?

To me it is what gets you up,
When you don't feel like breathing.

It makes you laugh,
When you feel like screaming.

It makes you feel a mile high,
When minutes ago,
You were twenty below.

There are so many aspects of love,
If I wrote them all,
I would write to death.

Maybe thats where the line,
Til death do us part,
Comes in.

Because if you really want me,
To tell you about love,
It is so much more then everything above.

Love is complicated.

But then again,
So are you.

A girl with a lovely face,
Still cuts her wrists.

There is this part of me,
That know's it is true.

I honestly have not stopped,
Loving you.

It's like your sweet embrace,
Won't go away.

These thoughts in my head,
Begin to lead me astray.

I'm not sure,
But I hope it is true.

Maybe you haven't stopped,
Loving me too..

You make me see stars,
And feel magic.

Marisa,
The breathtakingly beautiful girl.

Her sarcasm,
Is defiantly a large part of her personality.

Her personality,
Is very amusing to me,
She seems to be so happy and bubbly.

I love her eyes,
They are a vibrant green,
Probably one of the prettiest I have seen.

Her beauty is,
Breathtaking.

Baby, please drop your razors. That lighter it's meant for fire, not to burn your skin. Do you not realize how amazing you are to me? Do you not realize your pain causes me so much misery.
Please shread that suicide note. This is not the way you are destined to go. Step off that chair, you were never ment to hang there. Get away from the ledge, I can't catch you there.
The simplest things may hurt you. Is this really how you want to go? As the middle school tragedy?
Why would you want to go this way? It will just cause everyone else so much pain.
Your smile could light the darkest of times. Let it continue to shine, if you go away you could no longer be my light when my mind becomes dark.
The pain of you being a middle school tragedy will overcome me, take away my smile, bring back my frown. Don't do that to me. Leave me and you take my happiness with you.
Your laugh makes everyone else around you laugh. Not because it's funny, but because your happiness is intoxicating. Let it continue to intoxicate the world.
Please do not become the next middle school tragedy.

Mikala,
The tiny, little blonde.

Her pixie cute hair,
And her blue/green eyes.

She's pretty short,
But what she doesn't have in height,
She makes up for in personality.

He personality is so bright,
Like a star on a dark night.

Mikala.
The tiny, little blonde.

I miss feeling you close to me,
I miss having your warmth radiating from you to me.
I miss smelling your scent all over my clothes.
I miss having you hold me when I'm upset.


I just miss you.

What if there was nothing.
Nothing musical.
Nothing artistic.
Nothing beautiful.

We would roam the earth,
Feeling nothing.
Hearing nothing worth value.

We would be so bored.
Most of us
Wouldn't see a purpose in life.

Me personally
I need music
It’s my lifeline.

Music is like a rope,
Holding me to the Earth.

I feel it digging into my ankle
Keeping me in touch with reality.

I feel like a balloon.
Full of helium
Floating inches above the earth
But the rope of musical notes keeps me here.

I can feel the bass
Jumping through me
Jolting me into the world.

I feel the music,
It’s holding me safely.

I’m not leaving that easily,
My music rope is holding me.

He broke my heart, and tried to fix it with some tape.
Doesn't he know that tape only stays for so long,
Until it falls apart again.

I'm blind.
But not sight wise.

I'm blind heart wise.
My heart feels,
Never sees what it is doing.

Maybe that's how I get hurt so easy.

My love may be blind,
but my eyes have never failed me.

You placed a gloved hand over my eyes,
Telling me “our love is undying.”

That my stubborn personality lit a new flame
Inside your heart daily.

You expressed your love for me,
In songs you found on the internet.

Then I began to see cracks
Between your fingers.

Seeing the way your smile would falter,
As would the way you would look at me.

The way our eyes would meet.
Like we saw stars that had yet to be discovered.

I remember the day
You began to remove singular fingers.

You began to tell me
That my stubbornness,
Is annoying.

That the songs you had found on the internet,
No longer applied.

I think that was the day you removed your hands completely.
And told me our love was dead.

The line,
Til death do us part
Applies.

Because we may not have died,
But the love between us had.

That was also the day,
I realized I had won that stupid game of,
I love you more.

It just goes to show,
No matter how nice I have been to you,
You don't even know how to be the same.

He took me on a tour today,
He goes,
No dad.
No dad.
No mom.
Different dad.
Adopted.
No dad.
No mom.
Grandma.
Different dad.

It is not the parents,
That left us,
That define who we are,
But it is who we choose to be.

Because it is all a choice.

Not being trusted,
It alone is enough to put a strong man on his knees.

There is nothing to believe in,
When emotionally,
There is nothing there.

As all good things begin,
Once upon a time.

But what if this isn't,
A good thing.

What is it is per say,
A very bad thing.

But it begins with once upon a time,
There was a girl in red.

But it wasn't her clothes that were,
Red.

It was her wrists,
That are scared and in pieces.

And to anyone that see's this,
She's becoming lonely,
Feeling so alone it should be illegal.

But this is normal for her,
She feels so alone,
It as if the world doesn't exist.

But you see this is normal,
For a girl like her, you see,
Because I have felt this way before.

And I bet you will never believe,
That girl was once me.

Are those girls,
That you claim,
Nothing happened with,
Better then me?

Do they make you,
Happier then me?

Are they,
Prettier,
Skinner,
Happier,
Then me?

Because I'm wondering,
Why if it was always,
Only me,
Why your kisses,
Seemed so distant,
Lately.

Because it makes me wonder,
Is there a problem with me?

Is there a reason,
You want other girls,
Then me.

Babe,
You were my one and only.

But now I see,
I was one,
Out of many.

You can want more then me,
I understand,
I've always wanted more then me too.

Do the other girls,
Look nicer?
Talk sweeter?
Sing louder?

Are they better then me?
Why are you choosing them over me?

Breathing heavy,
Heartbeat quickening.

Panic attack beginning.

Memories being triggered,
By random actions.

Touching my shoulders,
Or even my back,
Makes me begin to strain.