I watched as the rain pooled in the wells of your cheeks,
The shadows fought for dominance between the cracks in your teeth.

I watched as the light left your eyes,
Your wandering soul pulling its way out of them.

I watched as your breath fought to make your chest rise again,
Hammering its way up and down, like a jackhammer on a mission.

I’m sorry that I saw stars in your eyes,
And I fell for you, yet I wasn’t there when the light left.

I’m sorry I saw flowers within your heart,
And I picked a few, but I wasn’t there to pick you up when you fell.

I’m sorry I heard birds sing each time you took a breath,
And I held a few of those birds, but I never let go and you suffocated.

I’m sorry that I fell in love with your smile,
But I got nervous and left to quickly.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for loving you,
Because regardless of the nights we spent smiling,
I left and you fell apart.

And lastly I’m sorry,
I’m sorry I never told you I was falling apart too

You'll try to pull your heart back together like a piece of art that you got rid of,
And he will kiss you,
Kiss you like he isn't the one holding a gun to your neck whispering the sweet words,
Do it.

And you'll be so happy because you're no longer fighting for him,
But within the weeks your heart will once again feel like he took an iron and placed it there
Telling you,
Here. Hold this for me.

You'll see him around, probably with another girl,
And you'll ache because she's "prettier" then you.

And your friends will do anything to distract you,
Some of them might even say you're better off,
But you'll feel like you're about to throw up at the thought of that.

Because you're holding so tightly to your heart because you feel it might fall out of your chest if you let go.

You’ll hold the duvet over your head,
Afraid of what you might see if you let it go.
Afraid he might be gone again.

And he'll come back, telling you the wonderful words,
I still love you.
And you'll break at the thought of him leaving again.

But you'll give him your heart wholeheartedly because you love him.

But he doesn't,
Soon you'll realize the game being played,
But you won't care.

It'll come to you late at night sometimes,
The nights when he's "loving" someone else.

And it will hurt like hell,
And you’ll claim that you’re done

And one day you will be
But as of now you haven’t been.

But I’ve always been one to surprise people.

Welcome to a girl.

A girl who built a city,
Raised it up in her own hands
Held it out to me.

Showed me her work.

Then crumpled it in her palms,
Like puddy in her hands.

She told me to help her make it real.

I thought it was.

But I guess city's don’t crumble
The way my walls did when the tone of her voice changed.

She got louder and my walls fell apart like sand.

Little did I know,
Her broken city
Held an army.

A army that you can’t hide from.
You have to meet it head on.
Or, it kills you.

Or at least that's what I thought.

But her army emerged,
And pushed, and molded the city
Until it was perfect again.

She held a city in her palms.
Showed me it again.

This time,
I held her fingers back.

Her city had cracks running deep.
Canyons that weren’t in it before had now shown up.

Showing a beating heart under it.

It was her heart.

She crumpled her city,
So her heart would be hidden.

But once the army showed up,
It showed her heart once more.

The army helps her regain her humanity.

I’m screaming at the whispers of you
To shut up.

Asking them to just let me believe I’m happy.

Because if I can’t convince myself
How can I convince you?

I loved with a passion in my soul,
The kind of love you find
Coming from an alcoholic with a fine bottle of brandy.

It was toxic.

They say I was out of control,
I say blame it on love.

After all this time
I’m still holding onto rundown excuses.

Trying to chase away the blues,
With a baseball bat,
Engraved with the words.

Go Away

I’ve found myself wandering down every empty street
Hoping one of them would lead me back to myself.

Then before realizing you can’t find yourself
Within a pothole stricken road
Without catching a cold.

I caught a cold.

And the cold I caught was wretched.

Only cured by a carton of Ben and Jerrys
And a long night

That night was the longest.

It was one of the nights were it felt
Like a hand with arthritis was clutching your heart.

I found myself downing any bottle of anything,
And finding nothing.

Then I found myself questioning
The nothing I was finding.

I found myself second guessing,
Every breath I took.

Like my lungs were the problem.

But honestly,
I’m gonna blame love,
And I’m gonna be blaming it hard.

And I’ll use every rundown excuse in the book,
If it helps me find something.

Something to hold onto
Just so I get through the night.

I will use every rundown excuse in the book,
To find substance in the nothing I’ve been finding.

Because within this nothing,
There must be something.

Because nothing is something,
And something is not nothing.

So here's to me and my rundown excuses
The excuses I use when I need something.

But can’t find anything.

My love may be blind,
but my eyes have never failed me.

You placed a gloved hand over my eyes,
Telling me “our love is undying.”

That my stubborn personality lit a new flame
Inside your heart daily.

You expressed your love for me,
In songs you found on the internet.

Then I began to see cracks
Between your fingers.

Seeing the way your smile would falter,
As would the way you would look at me.

The way our eyes would meet.
Like we saw stars that had yet to be discovered.

I remember the day
You began to remove singular fingers.

You began to tell me
That my stubbornness,
Is annoying.

That the songs you had found on the internet,
No longer applied.

I think that was the day you removed your hands completely.
And told me our love was dead.

The line,
Til death do us part
Applies.

Because we may not have died,
But the love between us had.

That was also the day,
I realized I had won that stupid game of,
I love you more.

I see it,
The way you look at me
When you believe I am not awake.

I see the pity and fear in your eyes,
The emotions you try to hide.

I recognize them,
Only because I see them in mine.

Wretched emotions that I often run from,
Find me more often then not.

But only,
Because I cannot stop.

I do not stop and feel.
Because feeling could mean,
Accepting something is wrong.

Maybe not accepting it,
Will make me think it is not true.
Because accepting it,
Makes it even more powerful then before.

So I cannot,
Stop.
Because stopping,
Means feeling.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who you can go to at 4am,
And cry your heart out.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who knows who you are,
Behind the makeup and the smile

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who makes the pain disappear,
For a little while.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who understand it's okay,
To not be okay.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who knows that when you say,
"I'm going to bed"
It really means you're gonna think,
For hours on end.

It's hard not to fall for someone,
Who knows the difference between,
I'm fine and I'm in pain.

You have no idea,
The effect people have had on you,
Until they are gone.

He was a great person,
A great kid.

Too smart,
He should have known,
Not to do this.

I'm in pain,
Your death,
Hitting me like a bullet to the brain.

I can feel tragedy,
Flying around me,
Like a haywire freight train.

Suicide,
Seemed to have been the answer.

Micheal,
I am not religious,
But you will be a glorious angel.

The air is intoxicating,
And malodorous.

I feel it suffocating me,
It saddens me.

Makes me feel nothing,
But nothing is a feeling so complex,
Because nothing is something,
And something is not nothing.

I can feel the air,
Tightening around me like a fist fighting death.

I can feel I----
Nothing.

Do the other girls,
Look nicer?
Talk sweeter?
Sing louder?

Are they better then me?
Why are you choosing them over me?

Jealousy laced with possessory,
Ripping into this thing called me.

She’s like a porcelain doll,
But you kiss,
You kiss those poison lips.

For I may be jealousy laced with possessory,
But she will make you pain laced with insanity.

I sense a hint of crazy in you*

I sense your senses are off because its more than a hint.

I've fallen for the one person,
Thats so perfect,
It's hard to imagine.

It's like the stars falling for the sun,
They look dim in comparison.

Yet without the light,
How will they learn to shine?

If you really wish to be with me,
You must know certain things.

Like my insecurities
Rules most of my personality.

I'm bipolar,
When I am happy,
It's like happiness is right next to me.
But when I'm sad,
It's like I've never felt happiness.

When I am with you though,
It's like happiness is completely in your control.

I'm singing this sad song,
My days have become so long.

I've been singing this sad song,
It's become very wrong.

I believe my sad song,
Has become much too long.

I love you,
More than an astrologer,
Loves the sky.

I love you,
More than an lawyer,
Loves arguing.

I love you,
More than a cow,
Loves to eat.

I love you,
More than a banker,
Loves money.

I love you,
More than you,
Love me.

Not being trusted,
It alone is enough to put a strong man on his knees.

What if the illnesses,
Were human?

Would depression be an emo kid,
With long black hair, and dark clothes?

Would he hide out alone,
Finding comfort in things that bring others misery?

Would bipolar be popular,
Then unpopular the next day?

Would he hang out with different people,
Every other day?

Would anxiety be a kid,
Would he hide in a hoodie,
Fearing what lurks around every corner?

Would he be sporty to get out the energy,
Or would he be very cautious,
Always picking at something.

Would ADHD be a kid,
Shaking so fast you could hardly see him?

Would he be sporty,
Trying to get out all his energy?

What you wouldn't realize
Is most of us are our disorders,
But only because we let them consume us.

I feel so lost.
Like nothing matters but finding my way.

But my way has been concealed.
Taken from me.

Its like I have become blind,
Everyway has gone into hiding.

So which way do I take?

You claim to be second best.

What happened to first?
I don't see anyone there.

Unless you wish to stay second,
That works to,
But he will always be right after you.

Saying you're behind him,
Is like saying that the tortoise came after the hare.

Either way you win,
Because you're in first place.

It's not going to change.

Breathing heavy,
Heartbeat quickening.

Panic attack beginning.

Memories being triggered,
By random actions.

Touching my shoulders,
Or even my back,
Makes me begin to strain.

Us poets,
We feel before we speak.

We think before we act.

And we taste each word,
Before putting it onto our paper.

Emptiness,
It just leaves more room,
For happiness.

So open your crystal heart,
The happiness will seep in.

He is hiding.

He is crying.

He is dying.

I tell you that I love the way you draw.

The way you draw,
It's like you're seeing perfection right before you,
And you're not seeing what you're doing,
But rather what you're feeling,
Or imagining.

You're just showing what your mind sees.

I'm blind.
But not sight wise.

I'm blind heart wise.
My heart feels,
Never sees what it is doing.

Maybe that's how I get hurt so easy.

I'm speaking.
But no one is listening.

I'm breathing.
But no one is caring.

I'm smiling.
But no one is noticing.

Why bother anymore?

If all roads lead to Rome,
May I go to Rome?

I no longer wish to be,
Home.

If hatred is a strong emotion,
How are you still standing?

Because,
My hatred is very strong when it comes to you.

I was asked,
Why do you write so much.

I wasn't sure how to respond,
Should I say it's my happy place,
My escape?

Or perhaps it's my attitude,
The reason I walk with strength not weakness.

It makes me brave,
And courageous.

So my question for you,
Is why don't you write?

I don't want to die.
It's to easy.

I can feel it.
The walls are closing in.

I'm trapped.

You wouldn't realize I'm dreaming.

It isn't real,
But it is real,
My mind,
Makes me think it might be.

The air is tight and stale
Suffocating me.

Perhaps someone is smothering me.
I mean,
I'm asleep right?

I hold my hands against these tight walls,
They seem to be tightening
Pushing against me.

I can feel everything
How is this possible?
I'm not awake.

This is all fake
Nothing happened,
Yet, I'm feeling all of it.

My heart is beating fast,
Sweat dotting my neck.

That's when I hear a small voice,
*You're not real.

I feel the hot air strong in the room,
It is surrounding you.

Maybe thats what your anger must do,
Surround you in heat,
So that others won't wish to step through.

Maybe thats a thing you must do,
Surround yourself in misery,
So others don't see the insanity.

Insanity is what misery brings,
They walk together,
These evil things.

Insanity,
Misery,
Walk together,
Don't you see?

I sit on the floor,
My emotions surrounding me.

We are having a tea party,
Don't you see?

Mr. Sadness,
He has a cold cup of tea,
No sugar though,
He must be bitter not sweet.

Happiness,
She called in sick,
She will attend another time.

Mr. Depression,
He is sitting next to Mr. Sadness,
They are both sitting quietly,
Stirring their bitter cups of tea.

Why stir the cup?
Nothing bitter can become sweet,
Especially when Happiness didn't attend the party.

I slowly look into your eyes,
They are a muddy green,
But lifeless.

Green used to be my favorite color,
But now that I have seen your eyes,
You're all I think of when I see that horrid color.

It makes me wonder,
Why would your eyes be my favorite color?
Perhaps to hurt another part of me,
You ruined another thing for me.

You're the kind of person that makes flowers grow.
Your smile makes me want to cry,
Knowing no one elses smile will ever come close.

You're the kind of person,
That makes birds sing.
Your laugh makes them sing along.

You're the kind of person,
That can calm an ocean.
Your small happy attitude,
Keeps it calm.

You are the kind of person,
That can handle me.

Smiling is a thing that takes less muscle then being upset.
You can easily put on a smile and say you are happy.

Then why does it seem that it’s easier to be sad?
Why does it seem like it’s easier to shoot for sadness,
Than happiness?

Sadness is intoxicatingly painful,
But happiness is like glitter and butterflies.

But why do we choose the pain over the happiness,
And not glitter and butterflies over pain?

It just seems to be easier this way,
We choose the hard road over the easier.

Maybe that's just human nature,
We enjoy difficult over easy.

But it hurts more in the end,
Why do we choose it though?

We choose to be in pain,
Versus being happy.

Why would we choose this?

Because it seems to be an easier thing,
Happiness,
As odd as this sounds,
Is harder to handle.

The beauty in pain,
Is pain is beauty.

How would that work you may ask.
The more pain and suffering you have taken,
The more wise and beautiful you become.

You know how it feels to be at your lowest,
And you know how amazing it is to be at you highest.

Weather or not you are happy,
You are beautiful,
Because you know,
How it feels to be ugly.

Ugly is not a feature,
But an action.

The way you act says if you are beautiful,
If you disagree,
That is your choice,
But from what I see actions,
Control beauty.

Beauty is in the actions,
Not the features.

I can hear music,
In everything you do.

Music is and always has been,
My passion.

It is there when I need someone,
It has been my shoulder to cry on many times.

Music,
Is my lifeline.

Maybe,
Your my new lifeline.

When your laughing,
I hear whimsical bells dancing in the wind.

When your crying,
I hear violins softly playing.

When your mad,
I hear an piano piece, loud and abrupt.

When you say you love me,
I hear loud, beautiful, guitars strumming a quick beat.

You make my heart beat faster,
Then any of your music.

I writher in agony,
Feeling the bruises coming to my body.

I try to scream,
But my throat runs dry.

Sobs rip through me,
At an undying pace.

I feel myself being maimed,
My body has been marked painfully.

I smell the sicking musky scent,
He continuously applies.

My sobs are getting worse,
The pain becoming unbearable.

I am numb,
Feeling nothing,
But still feeling everything.

My body is a canvas,
Of multi-colored graffiti.

Bruises scattered here and there,
Repeatedly.

I cannot move easily,
I am moving painfully.

I am hurt,
I’m pained,
Not only physically,
But mentally as well.

You may say,
Sexuality is a choice.

It isn’t,
I am pansexual,
I am 14,
I was born like this.

You cannot tell me I am confused,
When I have always been this way.

I may not have said anything,
But obviously this is not a choice.

I was afraid to disappoint my Mother and Father,
I didn’t think they would approve,
If given the choice I would be straight.

But obviously I am not,
I was born like this.

Do not have the audacity,
To tell me I don’t know who I am yet.

I may not no who I am,
But I can tell you this,
I know who I am interested in.

What if there was nothing.
Nothing musical.
Nothing artistic.
Nothing beautiful.

We would roam the earth,
Feeling nothing.
Hearing nothing worth value.

We would be so bored.
Most of us
Wouldn't see a purpose in life.

Me personally
I need music
It’s my lifeline.

Music is like a rope,
Holding me to the Earth.

I feel it digging into my ankle
Keeping me in touch with reality.

I feel like a balloon.
Full of helium
Floating inches above the earth
But the rope of musical notes keeps me here.

I can feel the bass
Jumping through me
Jolting me into the world.

I feel the music,
It’s holding me safely.

I’m not leaving that easily,
My music rope is holding me.

Why is sadness such an intoxicating feeling?
Why is sadness like a drug,
And why do I repeatedly medicate myself with this feeling?

Why would I continue feeling like this?
It is an always thing,
Or is it a sometimes thing?

Sometimes I am sad,
Sometimes I am depressed,
This is not normal.

I am not a normal person,
I am unhappy,
I am depressed.

I have issues but,
I live with them.

If I wasn’t living with them,
I would be dead,
I wouldn’t exist.

I would have left,
Left this earth,
Never to return.

Suicide,
Would have been what I turned to.
I would have seen it as my only choice.

If I live with them,
For long enough,
I’ve learned they go away in time.

In time,
Everything goes away.

Sadness,
Depression,
Anything unhappy,
Goes away in time.

Everything gets better in time.
Whether or not you want to accept it.

Don’t watch the clock,
It makes time slow down.
If you watch this mental clock,
Nothing will ever become easier.
It all gets harder.

If you just wait,
It may seem hard now,
But if you wait,
It will get better.

I promise that to you.

Your lips,
Are sweeter than honey.

Your smile,
Is more addictive than *******.

Your eyes,
Are so intoxicating its like perfume.

Your laugh,
Is music to me.

You,
Are perfect for me.

Perhaps without death,
I will not live.

But how would that work?
My dear friends,
Not one person is truly living,
Until they are dying.

I wander this earth,
I feel the soft grass under my bare soles.

I breathe the honeysuckle tainted air.
Listening to the bee's buzzing through the trees.

I picture this place without air,
Then realize nothing would be here.

You are my air,
Filling me with life.

You are my bee,
You keep me alive like I'm a small flower.

You are my soft grass,
Giving me a place to stand and rest my worries.

I want to smile,
Without pain in my heart.

I want to laugh,
Without feeling like I am being judged.

I want to cry,
Tears that hold so much joy it's hard to handle.

I want to be happy,
I've been sad for way too long.

These bruises,
Bring so much pain,
It's a wonder how I'm alive.

I can feel the air coming into me,
Filling this hollow cavity.

I act as if I feel nothing,
But the pain you bring me,
Makes me feel everything.

You bend me,
You break me,
Telling me you're making the,
"Perfect me".

This thing,
This,
Abuse.
Escorts self-hate into my life.

Makes me hate me,
And what I am.

I wish I was nothing,
Even if I truly am something.

The bruises you leave,
Decorate my body like graffiti,
Splotches of purples, pinks, and blues,
My body, the canvas.

I feel nothing,
I feel everything.

Abuse.
Why?

Screaming,
Is believing.

Believing,
That your words,
Will be heard.

You may hear,
Seeing is believing.

But you see,
I believe nothing,
Yet see everything.