ffs, why do i miss you so much?
why do i yearn for your late phone calls, for our playful conversations,
for the times you made me laugh
when i could only cry,
for the way you made me feel lighter
when everything felt too heavy?

but then i remember,
the moments you made me feel small.
not many, but enough.
you left me waiting,
promises unkept,
i only realized later
you’d taught me to neglect myself
just to care for you.

part of me still longs for you,
and part of me knows it’s too much.
you overwhelm me,
yet i can never get enough.
the pull and push tears at me
i can’t be without you,
and i can’t seem to stay with you either.
why does it have to be so hard?

and maybe that’s the hardest part:
you weren’t even bad.
you were amazing.

the feeling, itching feeling
lost, i have never been this lost
i have never felt the emptiness i feel in my heart,
all those times i would complain about busyness
knowing deep down, i craved it, needed it.

little did i know i would miss those late nights,
the nights where i would be too tired to pick up my phone,
the nights i would study all day and night, only to rise and do it all again,
the days i would neglect my procrastinating side
and focus all my attention on now, to finish it.

the early mornings i would spend running,
i have never felt the gist as i do in this moment
so deeply.

"opportunities are like sunrises. if you wait too long, you miss them."
– william arthur ward

but now the hours are vacant, stretching endlessly,
my hands reach for tasks that no longer exist,
and the silence becomes louder than any noise before.

i never thought i would mourn routine,
never thought the rush of time would one day
be the very thing i begged to return,
i never thought i would ache for exhaustion,
for the weight of days that left no room for thought.

after everything
we went through
you hit me
with words
i didn’t think
i’d hear again
but of course
you were always
good at surprises

i guess now
it’s my turn

3 months
17 days
and i finally
found the way out

you were special
you really were
but i think that’s gone now

some part of me
will miss us
will miss the late talks
the dumb jokes
the little routines
that made it feel like home

but the stronger part
the one that had to wake up
says
you brought more bad
than good

and i believe it

my heart tells me
this was the right choice
even if it hurts
even if i still feel
your name
burning behind my teeth

i hope
for both our sakes
we never meet again

let’s stay strangers
forever

you were someone
who meant something
for two years
maybe more
maybe less
who’s counting now

and i loved you
but i hated
the fear
the guessing
the what ifs
that made me forget
how to enjoy the now

i was always waiting
for something to fall apart
and maybe that
was the beginning
of the end

still
i’m glad
and i hope to god
this is right
i know it is

because nothing
that starts
by turning your back on god
ever ends
where peace lives

and you know that

i’ll give you this
you always knew
how to stay cold
when the world burned

i admire that
honestly
wish i could
do it too

maybe one day
i will

with every step i took, i felt lighter and happier. well, that was until i saw him.
someone i never thought i’d see again. not when he walked past me as if i didn’t exist. not since the day he walked out on us just because of father.

i can understand that people get busy, that life pulls them under, that it becomes too much to reach out. but what i can’t understand is how it’s been years.
years since he came by, years since he even tried. and it’s not like he can’t.
there’s nothing stopping him. i know he has my number, my brother’s too, anyone’s really. but for ****’s sake, what good is a number if you never use it.

i remember three years ago, when you came by after your episodes had stretched too long, after we’d dragged you back. father, to be exact.
it was a special day, but somehow, i forgave you. once again, i became soft, became willing to believe, willing to let you in like i always did. forgiving you for your mistakes right and left, not questioning anything, just happy you were here, at the moment, with us, with me.
but those moments never last.

it’s been three years since you came, since you bothered to talk to us. it’s as if we aren’t even blood anymore.
there are some things you can change, but blood isn’t one of them.

i remember your exact words. how you said, aren’t you mad at me. and i ask, what for. and you responded with, because i haven’t been around. for a while now. and without hesitation, i said no.
and it was true.
at that moment, i hadn’t thought about it, because my problems with you seemed to disappear when you were here. i liked that.

but what i didn’t like was how you just brushed it off, saw it as your chance to make the same mistake again, but this time, let it last longer.
when you walked past me, as if we hadn’t shared memories worth more than anything ever would, i felt myself break. once again, i was the little girl in the backseat, forgotten in the car, under the burning sun.
forgotten like always.

did i do this. am i that easy to forget. it doesn’t make sense.
if someone with fading memory, someone close to me, as close as you used to be, can remember me and come to check once in a while, how come you can’t.

i wonder what it’s like to be taken away, taken away from the only thing you know, the only people you know. i wonder what it’s like to be left wondering if you ever did something wrong, if it was your fault that this all happened, or maybe it’s just bad luck. i wonder what it’s like to be in a new, unknown place that has far exceeded your comfort, your home, your life, everything you’ve ever known. i wonder what it’s like to be taken away from everything you’ve ever felt safe, comfortable, and happy with. i wonder what it’s like to be a cat.

i’ve forgotten about you, for the most part. but there are those small fleeting moments where you appear again, taking different forms.
in the clouds, in a phrase, in a specific name or word.
i keep asking myself why, but then i remember that forgetting doesn’t mean erasing.
it means tucking pieces of you away in places i don’t visit often,
only for you to surface when i least expect it.
maybe that’s what memory is,
not a clean slate but a mosaic of the things we carry,
even when we think we’ve let them go.

family is a storm that never fades,
tides of love mixed with bitter shades.
we try to mend what’s broken,
but some pieces are too scattered, too worn.

we hold on, though it’s hard to breathe,
still searching for calm beneath the leaves.
in the silence, we hope and pray,
that tomorrow will bring a brighter day.