No matter how long I stood under that hot water
It could not beat the defeated feeling from me
If anything it only bruised me more
I stared at white porcelain and products that
No matter how long I scrubbed
Left me feeling just as clean as that grimy shower curtain
I was coming to the conclusion that this wound was more than skin deep
And I had know that before, but I wore denial as a blindfold
Because in the darkness I couldn't see that all the makeup that I pretended wasn't very much
Was doing nothing to hide the puffy red and purple eyes
Evidence of tears, too many to allow for sleep
I'm too much of an open book for makeup and clothes to make any difference
I know, they know, you know
I'm tired of the look
The look of pity that has morphed into one of exhaustion, because they are all getting bored
With my mundane heartbreaks
I don't blame them
But this isn't sadness anymore
I'm lost
I feel defeated, by myself mainly, because I can't even pretend I'm mad
I'm just lonely, and I'm tired of not knowing what to do, or how to feel
I want to let it all go and have the "fun time" they're all living
But I don't like their fun, it's too much
I'm too fragile, always so fragile
I don't want to believe it's done and the all the best things break
I don't want to forget you, the way you looked at me, acted around me,
held me close in that same shower
I'm preventing my own healing
I'm fighting myself, still
And I'm just really
Really tired

She looks into my eyes with hope
I see her smile, she knows what is coming
I fake a smile back to pretend
Her breathing becomes heavy as I move forward

She grabs my back with her hands
And pulls me on top of her *******
She whispers, "I love you"
I return the favor

To her I am a miracle
To me I am a pretender
A faker who finds her thighs to be a prison
To be trapped in a place where I don't want to be

It'd be easy to release myself
But why would I
When the prison feels so good
When I'd feel the same in between every other pair of thighs

Maybe it is because I'm broken
Maybe it is because I never cared in the first place
Maybe it is because of the one I lost
Maybe I'm just not meant to enjoy it

I finish as I watch her smile in satisfaction
I get off of her and sit on the foot on the bed
She sits up and slowly kisses my neck
I don't in return and gaze off trying to find the hope I once had

Disappointment comes with being a human
I can understand the notion of not always getting what I want
Because I'm reasonable and that's life
But time and time again, I find myself begging my parents for things I'll never have
I fall to pieces and they have to glue me back together every five minutes
But they aren't enough
Their comfort isn't enough
The only temporary comfort I can find is a boy who treats me terribly
He uses me and I'm practically an object
But temporary affection is enough to satisfy my everlasting sadness
He's like a pill
An ******
Because I go through withdrawal
And oh my god
When I am disappointed, it feels like withdrawal
Night sweats and vommiting and the chills
I ache terribly and the disappointment keeps hitting me, again and again and again
And when I'm knocked down, I'm too injured to get back on my feet safely
I fall to pieces
I seek irrational, wrong, abusive affection
I write poems that only strangers will read and maybe you'll respond
And if you don't, I might be disappointed, but it wont be anything new

So, dope  young fellow
With your pretty boy swag.
With your SnapBack on.
Pants so **** low.
Every girl just waiting in line just to give you a blow.
You're royalty around here, but this is still high school.
Taking every girls cherries and jewels.
You think that you're raising the bar but I've seen this before:
Call it VCR.

And then there's me:
Who don't get no ladies.
Because I'm the type of person who actually treats females as actually human beings.
Not toys.
I'll put them before myself.
I care about their joy.
You know what's dead: chivalry.
And it can never be reborn.
Not like Call of Duty: zombies.
Boom, headshot.
But there's another ten coming your way.
Then it gets to the point when you're just blown away.
But I'll be your player 2.
Girl, I'd give up all my perks just for you.

So you guys out there with the pretty boy swag.
Who just zip it all up cuz they think they got  it in the bag.
I'm going to fight.
I'm going to step up for the voices not heard.
Cuz you've drowned them in depression, you've choke them with cruelty, and you've slapped them with sadness.
Unable to act.
Like a flightless bird.
I'll let them out of their cages so they can fly once again.
So you can't weight them down:
Call you Anchormen. Ooo, **** em'

So, pretty boy, nothing close to fantastic.
I just wanna say:
That I know  I'm swagtastic.
S- saving
W- women
A- against
G- guys
T- that
A- abuse
S- sensitive
T- tender
I- innocent
C- companions.

Shorten that: swag.
S- she
W- wants
A- a
G- gentlemen.

So now boy,
Lets just see which one of us got that "Pretty Boy Swag"

A cigarette
Feels so warm
Like a hug from a friend
And you feel like you belong
Finally
I found where I belong
Cigarettes,
Memories kept
All my secrets
Are left on cigarettes