This is me As raw as i can be Feeling like a zombie day after day Not eating Waiting for the number to change Stuck in my false reality That i will ever be pretty
I didn't mean For this to get out of hand I just wanted to be in control Maybe even become popular I'm not meaning to hurt you At all I just honest to god Can't stop
One, two, three Hold my breath Slice my skin One, two, three, four Blood pooling on the floor Starting to sting Starting to feel my emotions On my skin Lost in a cut Lost in blood Moment of calm Before the storm
Your warm embrace Words wrapped up in a blanket Trying to not let them enter the world Secrets and lies That's me She doesn't mean it This isn't her Trust me She's not this kind of girl
I never want you to feel Like i don't love And care for you I love you And want you all to know This isn't me A demon has taken me away And refuses to set me free I'm sorry I might not physically show it But i love you with all my heart
Lost in a society's version of beauty I'm sorry i'm not beautiful I feel terrible for not living up To anyone's expectations I'm not deserving of love No one stays here With me They always leave I don't understand Leave me alone I'm meant to be alone
The devil is in your ear By your side The devil is strong And so incredibly evil It's really scary Being watched 24/7 If i disobey Or do something wrong I'm scared of being filled With poison Having Murphy Splattered All over the walls
We feel numb to the things we see Over and over again I'm numb to the feeling of comfort Destruction is comforting Therefore I'm numb to the fact That this could very well take me The only thing that comes to mind Is a strong desire to comfort So used to numbing my emotions By bones and a scale That seems to be with me The moment i can open my eyes And see the sunlight through My bedroom window The lingering thought In the back of my mind I cannot be like this forever I will soon discover what it's like To take the wool off my eyes With my eyes open To learn to be content With living happy and healthy Soon figuring out That i no longer Need a reason to numb The thing i thought was horrifying Happens to be the thing That unlocks the change From a life praying for my last breath My last sentence would be "At least i'm finally skinny"
I most deeply want to find Love and friendship When i would understand If they didn't The little voice in my head whispers "You don't deserve to be loved" "They're only putting on a act, they're just pretending" I'm scared to get close to anyone They always find a way to slowly Slip away from what we once were Because that's all I've ever known I'm sorry I might leave you Before you leave me It's easier that way So i don't have to endure the disappointment Once again
Lost in my thoughts oh, very destructive thoughts All consuming all destructive they never leave I don't think i want them too They are my invisible saviors, my little secret Where no one else can take them away Broken and scarred lost in my deep and dark thoughts
Hold up I didn't expect this Life is moving At lightning speed I don't process change well This is all happening too fast Want to travel back in time Where i was innocent and a baby Hold up A little girl grew up too fast All it took was once I'll never be the same
Tired Tired of being sick Tired of being tired Tired of being weighed down By the weight of the world I'm sick and tired Of being imperfect I'm sorry I don't understand myself
No one can change The connection we had I feel guilty I didn't say i love you Before your body Turned to ash I want you to know I love for eternity I always do I always will
Slowly going down I thought This would help me Someway Somehow I've become lost Nowhere to be found This is all too much Need to relieve My thoughts That have been Haunting me For so long
Conflicting emotions Over this thing called Recovery One minute Wanting to break free In a couple of hours It changes Into wanting to stay In the safe arms Of destruction To the behaviors I crave the most
People trapped in boxes Others free from turmoil Some of us aren't so lucky Drowning in turmoil Day after day Annoyed at life Hate life Nothing worth The time of day Day in and out Food Day in and out Darkness surrounding Like the grim reaper Hate myself with deep passion Go away I'm not worth your time
Unbearable pain Unbearable emotions This is where the blade comes in Draining the toxins Slowly but surely Now feel numb Like when you're put under the surgery
Forever waiting To find comfort In the scale Going down Forever going down Or staying just the same Waiting for someone To see evidence Of my prolonging pain
I've succumbed to this image In my head Someone more beautiful More popular That i will ever be Jealous of my brother Outgoing and fun Everyone says i'm shy And quiet, I'm sorry I know all of you want me To resemble his friendly personality I just wish to be him With no problems keeping friends I'm sorry I'm not like him
Internal war In my mind All day Every day Have to obey ED Or something bad will happen Orders to obey Numbers to calculate Miles to run Food to either throw away Or scarf down In a certain amount of time Have to obey him Can't risk Something terrible happening Way easier To give in
Where do i go from here? Everyone seems to wonder What their next destination Will turn out to be Destinations are unplanned They're many people who fear Their unexpected destination
All i want to do Is to eat Like a normal human I don't understand Why they chose me To get trapped By this evil Blood ******* Weight obsessed Demon In my head
Faces light up Filled with delight As they see me genuinely happy and not numb to my emotions and they see me as a happy girl When i'm actually living Not just surviving
I wonder What will happen next? Walking on eggshells To my next destination Constantly wonder What will happen Fear and constant wonder To experiment with It will all be okay As long as we don't fear wonder Into our minds Everything will all be okay