Food never leaves my mind
As hard as i try to avoid it
It still consumes my every thought
Scale, weight and numbers
All in my head
It's like children during Christmas
But this is way different
It's not sweet and lovely
It's dark and unpleasant
There's only one catch
It lasts forever.

Legs cramping
Heart burning
Tears bounce off your cheek
I don't want to do this anymore
But at the same time
I want to feel my bones
My ribs protruding
Through my translucent skin
I want both
The sad reality is
I can't have both
Pulling between two continents
The continent of life and death
I spent too long
In the death continent
Of the world
The continent of life
Is calling my name
Can my feet let me
Travel that far?
Life is waiting for me
To seek my potential
In a non-destructive world

Lovely salvation
Broken into pieces
Control and security slowly losing it's shine
Don't take away the only thing
That keeps me breathing

Please stop
Lost in a destructive world
Digging myself a hole
Please stop
You shouldn't worry
About a useless soul like me

Today i have consumed
460 calories
Of disgusting layers
Of chewy flavorless
Fat and unnecessary calories
Sitting in my stomach
Containing fat and so much more
On my "healthy" body
As most say
I'm not healthy in the slightest
I'm weak
For letting hunger power
Me into eating
Which is unnecessary and weak

Demi lovato
My lover
She keeps me breathing
Just knowing i get to see her
in 40 days

Hatred in my eyes when i see you
Feelings of anxiety creeping in
Scared to get near you
Go burn in hell

Thoughts i never dreamed of thinking
Beliefs i never dreamed of believing
Myself i never dreamed of destructing
What happened?
My mind has disappeared into ashes
My body will soon too wither away
In a pile of ash

Please be my nightingale
Need to know
That you'll always be there
Nothing can replace
You and me
I'll think of you everyday
Even though i understand
If you never think of me

Nobody ever stays
Which is understandable
I'm too much
Too crazy
Too much in every which way
I don't know what to say
I'm sorry
I don't want to rip your hand
Out of mine
We're meant to be
Attached to the hip
Like we always were
I'm sorry
I understand
If you don't want to be seen
With the crazy girl
With scarred arms
I know
All i can say is i'm sorry

No one understands me
That's why i love people
Who are the same species
Been lost and lonely for so long
I just want to be with people
Who understand
My way of coping
With this crazy world

I guess everything isn't what it seems
No one knows what it's like
To live with a monster in your head
Screaming, shouting, crying
To escape the demons in my head
Stuck in the mindset
That everything isn't what it seems

Want to be normal
Want to be okay and happy
I feel the panic rising
Dead inside
I so badly
Want to drain my demons
Set them free
I'm scared
Someone please hold me
Tell me nothing bad is going to happen

I'm debating
Recovery
I'm fearful
Yet blessed
My life will be normal
Again
I'm debating
The real necessity
For food
I do know
That it is 100%
Necessary to live
A normal life
Once again

Nothing is safe
Nothing is secret
Something never seizes to go away
One mistake
Will eventually
Put you in your misery

You're nothing
I hope you know
You're not worth my words
As you killed me
With yours
You don't deserve
My words
Just look at my body

You're not even worth it
You're scaring me
I don't want your grip on me
Hunger consumes me
I don't understand
Why i crave you so much
I don't understand
Why you'll be with me forever
Why am i who you want?

Teenage girl
High off a blade
High off emptiness
Scarred arms
Bruised soul
Fake smile
Dull eyes
Drool comes down her face
From the food her mom is making
"Too many calories, i'm chubby enough"
She says
Dreaming of an easier day
Unexpected life
A mirror
A scale
That doesn't matter anymore
Her secret world
Is hers alone
No one's allowed in
Only if they want to get poisoned
By her demons
And become on of her
Nothing can take her high off the blade
Off a growling stomach
No one can stop her
So don't even try

This is now
The first step
To the hardest thing
I've ever gone through
Now here i am
Emotions stuffed down
As far as they could be
Numb from the world
Except for food and the blade
This is the first step
To opening those wounds
To begin this thing
Called recovery
A scary realization
The only person that can save me
Is myself
I've been running from myself
For so long
Now it's time
To let go
And give my troubles and anxieties
To my grandfather up in the sky
He's the higher power
That can tell me
It will all be okay

Numb, i feel numb
like i'm not even here
How can i feel alive?
Numb, numb, numb
Is what i feel
Numb is how i like it.

Heart weak
Body emaciated
Can't stop
Need to feel numb
Need to feel empty
Empty and numb
Is what i crave

Uncontrollable obsession
With self-control
Destroys her being

No one to comfort me
No one to hold me
No one to kiss my cheek
Hug me and tell me it will all be okay
The only thing that comforts me
Are ED and music
I don't want to let go of ED
He's my only friend

Best night ever
Stuck in a trance
You beside me
Hands locked
Lips locked
Caress my leg
Lovely
Handsome man
Sitting by the fire
Snuggling
Together forever

Want to feel numb
Don't want to feel pain
Need to cut
Need to feel nothing
So scared, so scared
Help me blade
I can count on you
When the others are far away

Parents can be my strength
And my weakness
They try to understand
My needs and wants
It's hard to explain
My inner demons
They never understand
They try and try
And i know their love is there
They are weak in their understanding
Though they try so hard
To grasp my pain

Past of lies, cheating and distrust
I don't have any reason to trust anyone
The pile of blood you see is my demons
And thoughts.
It's not blood, its pain
When the memories flood my head
The razor is there when no one else is
When i want to quit fighting my demons
My razor keeps me alive.

Someone give me peace
Give me strength
To fight my demons
They know how to swim
They are smart
Will wait for the right moment
To attack
When i finally
Find peace
With my own thoughts
In my head

Stuck in perfection
The mirror distorted view
Cycle continues

Flowers all around
Friendships last forever
Chocolate waterfalls
That would be a perfect world

Swirling leaves danced around
As she played with her cousins
And piled each other in leaves

Catch me
Before i fall
Plummeting
Towards the darkness
I don't want to go
Please just catch me

The power of hunger
The power of words
The power of silence
Starts to get to you
You can fill the bitter
Cold of loneliness
in your bones
they are slowly wasting away
from the hunger of
loneliness that will
eat away at your soul

Doors clank
Keys jingle
Walk into a room
Scared to death
This is when i'm a physco
Final destination the psychiatric ward

****** is what i call me
Can't fit in
I'm "weird"
I try to make people like me
But yet again
It never works
I'm not going to try anymore
You win

Purging
Flushing the disappointment
Puking up sadness
Stand up
Wipe my repulsive face
Feeling high as a kite
No feelings in me
Empty like a hollow heart
Evidence of my soul flushed

Who's worthy?
Who's loving?
Who's trusting?
No one exactly
Why would i open my secret
World up to you?
You think it's fake
Can i keep going?
It's not like you would notice

Lost in a quiet moment
I lay there with darkness
All around me
Ana's grip is just too strong
I cant seem to make
Her strong grip disappear
She seeps through my veins
Like poisin
Sooner or later
She will send me to my grave

World that breaks
Into nothing
Breaks until there's nothing left
Need one steady thing
In a world that breaks
Everyone leaves
Places change
People change
I need an answer
An end to the end of the searching
I need one steady thing
In a world that breaks

Can't believe it's true
Thought nothing could break us
I was sadly mistaken
Attached to the hip
Now couldn't be further apart

Lovely man
Softly kisses my lips
You say
"It'll be okay baby, i love you"

Recovery is feeling
Uncomfortable
Recovery is feeling
Emotions
Recovery is getting better
Physically and mentally
Food keeps the beast loud
Pretty soon
There is no longer
A voice in my head
That wants me
Skeletal and dead

I forced myself
To let the two people
I love most
Know about my confessions
Worries and fears
I'm sorry
I'm scaring you
I'm just being honest
I want help
Here you go
My secrets have now surfaced
I just want help
That's all

Reflections
Are amazing
But oh so very sad
Thoughts swirling
Reflections

Blood, pooling on my skin
The moment of numbness
The moment where you feel broken
The one and only thing that can repair you
And bring you back to life again
Is a razor

God is a blessing
Good and bad
He is powerful
Gets rid of our demons
When we need saving
God is the angel
To save us from the devil

Hands shake
Tears come
When i think of you
You're evil
Go to hell
Before you ruin
Someone else's
Innocent soul

Rules, rules, rules
Counting calories
Counting seconds
Minutes left to run
Bites to eat
Hold my mouth closed
From food
Of all things
Not allowed
Not allowed a lot of things
There's demons, demons
In my brain
Evil, all evil
Surrounding me
Locking me in a cage
Of silence and isolation

Surviving on 500 calories a day
Thoughts that never go away
Please help me
Save me from my self

I don't know what to say
My words are controlled
By a much stronger being than me
This is not me, you see
This is the devil
Slowly taking me away