Falling slowly
Help me please
Save me from plummeting
Don't want to go
Please help me
I'm falling slowly

Months after months
Year after years
Go by
Filled with nothing
But food
Dominated by it's utter existence
Sense of need
Thinking your invincible
Until your being threatened treatment
I'm not weak
I'm strong

Family
Keeps me grounded
Keeps me loved
Friends come and go
Family is forever

You don't have to tell me
I'm skinny
Because i know i'm not
You're trying to be nice
I understand
And i am thankful
But you don't understand
I don't do this for compliments
I with my whole entire being
Believe
That i
Am a fat lard that needs
To be pretty
I just want to be loved
Have the affection of a human
Wrapped around my finger
To know for a fact
That i am worth living

Feel the light
Feel the happiness
Of friendships
You never know
When they could disappear
As fast as a tornado crashing down

You can feel the heaviness
On your chest
Feeling like you can hardly breathe
To what overcomes you
When you realized you skipped
Another meal
It's a normal thing nowadays
Wake up, foods there
Go to bed have nightmares
About slowly letting go of the control you have
Having a little bit more of something
That once had been forbidden
You can feel the pain when you starve yourself
That's why some people like it
Inflicting pain on yourself
Is much much easier
Than anyone or anything
It gives you the power to say no

Festive lights all around
Between maples and oaks
I wonder like during the holidays
When everybody likes each other
and we forget pain and darkness
Where life isn't hurt or pain
I wonder what life would be like
If everyday was filled
With happiness
I wonder what it's like to be happy
Cause i forget what it's like
To be happy when i'm not supposed to

Burned bridges
A broken heart
Tired of fake people
Who are uninvited
Go away
You don't deserve me
I'm going to find my way again
I'm gonna love you
Like i don't need saving
Tonight, tonight i'm letting go

Flashbacks
Feel like
A thousand needles in my heart
Lost all communication
Thousand needles *******
My dark world
Relived
Feels like a thousand needles
In my heart

The memories and lies eating me up inside
Flashbacks one after the other
I can't do this anymore
I want all the voices to stop
The afterlife seems so much easier
Than the hell of life

I think i have
Found the strength
To flap my wings
Fly out of the cage of darkness
Into the bright world
Flap my wings
Leave the nest out of my mind

I used to love food
waiting for meals and snacks
as if it were the most amazing thing
in the world.
Now i see food as poison in a sense
It isn't safe
Isn't worth my time anymore
Where all my time is spent
Trying to avoid food
or eat everything i can get my hands on
Only to throw it away
In my friend
My "secret keeper"
The toilet
The big round bowl
Where my secret lies
While i flush my sins away

All i want
Is to be happy and free
From the thing that is destroying me
I don't mean to hurt anyone
Believe me this isn't what i expected either
The voice is just too strong
To let me go
I'm sorry
I wish i could
Help myself
But right now i'm not me
I'm being controlled by an evil soul
Please save me
Before it's too late

I want to do better
I want to live life freely
Like we all were created
For freedom
Freedom from the devil's hand

A friend is a flower
They bloom each day
They're always at your side

Friendships
Friendships come and go
But some will always stay
But you
You know no matter what
I love my friends
They teach me to have fun, laugh and smile
I thank them for getting out of my disastrous mind
For a little while

Friendships
We fight
We cry
We laugh
We joke
My friends
Are my angels
Sent down from heaven

Get away
Evil presence
You are despicable
Despicable human being
Terrible thing you did
You will never be forgiven

My heart is glass
I dare you to break it
Don't **** with glass
It just might come back
And slice you right in the throat

I'm made of glass
Fragile and easily shaken
I shine with my smile
Beneath closed doors
I shatter and stumble

People, people everywhere
People, people's opinions everywhere
People, people go away
Go away, go away
I'm way better off alone anyway

Staring
At the skinny legs
Wishing i had those
Gorgeous legs
That everyone is jealous
My legs are covered
In fat and cellulite
I just want to be pretty
Is that too much to ask?
Too see what everyone else
Sees in me

Dominated by my own mind
Scarred and poisoned
No way to make it go away
Somehow clinging to the brink of life
While being pulled down
By my demons
Just waiting for the right second
When i slowly lose my grip to existence
When i get to tired
I'm holding onto life
As if i was hanging off a cliff
While the consequences are much greater
A mountain lion is wanting his needs to be met
Which do i choose?
Satisfy my demons or satisfy myself?
I'm still hanging on
Until i see a person rescuing me
From the pain and anxiety
That my demons have slowly crept into my brain
Or until the mountain lion
Finally loosens his death grip on me

Thoughts running through my mind
Body checking
Standing
Looking at my grotesquely
Obese figure staring back at me
Crying at my revolting body

Halloween
Supposed to be a kid's holiday
Instead it's ED's
Binge and purge fest
Cycle continues
No way to get out
Lost in the waves of destruction
It's secretive
Locked and chained doors
Only ED's sons and daughters can get in
You can't save me
ED has bolted the doors
He has the control

Ringing doorbells
"Trick or treat"
Is repeated in your head
All night long
Pumpkins lighting up the night
Kids paralyzed with sugar rushes
Innocent fun

Laughing uncontrollably
Feeling the love
Blooming like flowers
As bright as the sun
Friends
Brighten your day
When you need
To get out of the dark

Happy
Is love
Happy
Is acceptance
Can't find a way
To make me happy
Nothing makes me good enough

Happy mothers day
I know you will always stay
You've been there with me
Through everything
I couldn't be more grateful
Even when i am sometimes hateful
You have taught me so much
You are the rock
You are a hard worker
A great mother
I love you
Happy mother's day

I hate myself
I'm a terrible person
What's wrong with me?
I'm such an awful
Disgusting human being
I don't understand
How anyone likes me
How can people like me
When i absolutely hate myself?

If you only knew
What i go through
On a daily basis
You would admit
What you said to me
Be a man
And say you're sorry
But of course
You're not a man
You're a little boy
That is afraid
Of getting in trouble
I suggest you grow some *****
Oh wait
You don't have any
Sorry i forgot
Cause if you did
You would apologize
I can't believe i thought
You would apologize
I hope you realize
What you've done to me
You probably won't
But you will one day
When we meet in hell

Everyone describes my body as
"Healthy"
I want to be light as a feather
Nothing more
Nothing less

Hearing my heartbeat
Beating like i know it should
But sometimes i don't want it to
I often wonder what does death feel like?
I imagine it peaceful
Your problems are nonexistent
Hearing my heartbeat
Is a blessing
But also a nightmare

Help me she cries
Wrapped in woven blanket
Sad glass eyes
Broken shards of skin
Were cried
From her teary eyes

Help me, Help me, Help me please
I'm destroying myself
And i don't see a way out
Please help me before i break
Nature can be a way of expressing yourself
You can go outside
If you need time alone
To just get away
You also have a better attitude
and outlook on yourself
When you're outside you can
Go and do whatever
and go wherever you want.

No one understands
What is happening to me?
Help me
I'm all alone
I can't do this on my own
I'm scared
I don't want to die
I don't know how long
I can't carry on with ED
Taking over my body
They will find out
Soon enough
He will show himself

So cold
Oh, so very cold
Mom says because you're not eating enough
Dad says put on a jacket
I say okay
But what they don't see
Or don't know
Is a skeleton broken body
They can't take my secret away from me

I hold on to you like a lost lover
So fearful to part with my only solace
Just incase
I need a hand to hold
A shoulder to cry on
I hold on to your captive embrace
Just incase
I'm to weak to break free
Just incase

Hunger strikes
You're high as a kite
My drug is ED
The blade is slicing through my skin
Empty plate
So much more
Comforting like no other
Leave us alone
We're just fine
Leave us alone

The hunger is suffocating my soul
The type that goes away temporarily
But is always craving for more
Hunger is what consumes me
The type that never goes away
Always craving for a satisfaction
That i will never find

I'm starving
So very hungry
"You can't eat" says Ana
Me- "oh yeah i forgot"
Ana- "you can eat but when i say you can!"
Me-"okay"
Wallowing in hunger
Scared that if i disobey
Ana
I will get punished
The punishment
Is gaining weight
"Can't gain weight" i say
"Good girl" says Ana

Want to cut
Want to feel
So much for trying
My demons
Can't be trapped any longer
They need to play
But don't worry
They always come back
When they're hungry for the blade

Scared of losing
What i want the most
To be thin
To have control
I'm not loving this
But i'm not ready
To give it up
I'm not ready
To let go of ED

If you say so
You say i'm beautiful
If you say so
Not attractive
In the means of destruction
If you say so

Have to cut this disgusting flesh
Have to feel
Have to feel numb
Can't handle this numbness
This loneliness
I need the blade
To comfort
My numb soul

I didn't mean for this to happen
I hope you know
I didn't mean to hurt anyone
Lost in my own mind
All i want
Is for people to understand
For my mind to stop spinning
With destructive thoughts
Day in and day out
I love you both
I hope you know

I know for a fact
I'm not underweight
I desperately want my body
To match my mind
Fragile and broken
Beyond repair

Love you baby
Laying by the pool
My hands in his
Sharing a drink
Smiling and laughing
Don't want this to end
Let's stay frozen in time
So you never suddenly
Realize that you don't want to be with me

Immortal
As could be
Stuck in my mind
Lost in the afterlife
Stuck in the immortal

I'm sorry i'm not perfect
I wish i could be what you wish
State of longing
I don't know where to go
Maybe this is how i'm supposed to be
Imperfect
Unlovable heart and soul
Can't remember what it was like before
Stop trying to change me
I'm not sick
I'm strong