I'm still confused About recovery I do really want to But at the same time There's this little tug Telling me to stay Fragile and sick How do i fight this voice?
My mind Is a confusing place My parents Think i'm crazy I don't know What to say I'm not normal I'm not myself I'm a shell of a girl Who wants to be thin How hard is that to understand?
Control has always been an issue Control over how i was born Control over everyone and everything Interesting concept I control my food It's not about losing weight It never was Control was my issue Sense of safety among a thing Food is the only thing That i can control
Cutting Blood flooding like rain Emotions slowly draining my mind Feel the sting of abandonment Burning off negativity Soft hands Cover them Band aids heal all wounds
Lost in a quiet moment Getting rid of my demons Blood on the floor Those are my demons In a pile of blood Now i feel numb The moment of bliss Matching the inside To the outside Physical pain is so much easier To deal with That's why i do it To get rid of emotional pain That's why i cut To feel something But at the same time To feel numb.
Going downstairs Dad passed out drunk on the couch Walking home from school The kitchen awaits The binge monster who is hiding In the cupboards Go to school Being drowned by opinions And strangled by anxiety Who says Silence is safe The weekend Diet Dr. Pepper Filling my undeserving stomach Eat when i'm told Boundaries have risen Parents going their separate ways In my room In my escape Books
No one should ever Want this demon To take over them It's evil Takes over Your entire being Something that I wish i knew Thin doesn't equal happiness Control doesn't give you power It makes you miserable In every sense of the word All it does Is have A deadly obsession With the scale That never changes Nothing ever satisfies Your starving soul
Applause Chanting "Demi, Demi'" You are my nightingale Singing voice of an angel Lovatic's screaming For their idol To step onto the stage Demi will always be there Her love is like a star
My demons are secretive They creep out slowly and quietly So no one can have their devilish tongue rattle Slithering like a snake Into my veins Into my soul Ready to devour me Into a pile of flesh and bone
Depressed From life From the cold stares Mean voices Feeling invisible in every room I turn I'm done With trying my hardest I'm all alone With no one to turn to When i need distractions
Depression feels like A thousand 10 pound weights Weighing you down Sometimes i like depression Others i hate it and i just want to be normal Ana sits around In my head all day She says alot of nasty things When you hear something Said to you For so long you start to believe it Unfortanetly that's what happened To me Whoever thinks this is a choice and just wanting to be thin I would never do this in a million years If i just wanted to be thin I wouldn't hurt my family the way i'm doing I wouldn't hurt my friends the way i'm doing I'm not that kind of person
Lost in a vicious cycle Never leaves my mind, wanting to be alone. So i can be alone, with my addiction. Eat, eat, and eat Puke in the bathroom Bits of fingernails stuck in your throat Smell of bile, so unsanitary So repulsive but a much needed Necessity
I'm starting to find My way to live I know how i should live I deserve to live happy Without anxiety Without feelings of inadequacy I'm still nervous Nervous That my security blanket Will be gone forever I know it's best For it to disappear Completely I still can't decide If i want to How do i decide? How do i decide Between fragile and numb To healthy and happy? Can't decide
I hate myself I'm such a disgrace to the world I'm sorry mom and dad I know you don't like me Who would want A cutter and anorexic as a wife? I'll never be loved and accepted
Drowning in guilt once i realized what i've done All those wrappers around me Have no idea how they got there Then i realize what those wrappers Were filled with Terrified and disgusted with myself I'm so fat I have no self-control
Doctor after doctor says "How are you feeling?' Watch schizophrenics go to the quiet room Where they don't hear the voices I shouldn't be here I'm not that crazy You try not to say out loud Then again your mind Becomes rational For just a split second And my mind goes "You need to be here" When you realize You cut your emotions skin deep Purge up all my sanity And starve away all the names I suddenly realize That i belong here In a mental ward ED is silent he re I like this place He has no control over me Here Skin and bones Hunger is a lovely feeling Messed up i know This is what i crave
Don't worry now It will be okay I promise It can't rain forever Seems storms will hold on They eventually fade Into the background The real you Will be the storm That no one wants To ever go away
It gets worse Before it gets better ED wants all his control over me He will die When i suddenly learn How to live life Without him The voice is now gone With the faint noise of life Coming through ED will fight his way in When i finally learn to value Myself and how to cope with life He is adamant on keeping me To his evil world I know i can't give in Then i will be stuck In his destructive grip Once again
Head pounding With all the thoughts That are all encompassing No way out Stuck As if you have a ponytail Tied to tight Constant throbbing That can't be relieved
People ask Do you want to recover? It's complicated I say No one will understand Unless they go through This hell themselves Innocent souls damaged Hearts broken Bones deranged You'll never understand What it's like To live day to day With the devil Attached to your hip
Speaking is hard Eating is hard Breathing Is questionable at times When you feels so invisible No one will care No one will notice when you are gone They never cared enough anyway I'm not crazy I try to tell myself I'm just a teenager Trying to find a way But the fact is I am crazy Crazy not to eat Crazy to hurt myself Crazy enough to have no friends
***** this evil soul That is me Disappointment To everyone Unloved Unappreciated Please help me I'm done with my own evil soul Don't want to be the monster That everyone hates
I want to exercise I'm too fat to run I can't do anything It's probably good That i don't workout I need to get My mind and body Healthy again So i can live Happy, healthy and free