Footsteps
All around the house
Non-stopping
It's an invisible monster
Waiting to strike
To get into your body
Slowly taking over
Your mind and soul

Stuck in this limbo
Can't get out
I'm your marionette puppet
Controlled by your evil hands
Can't get away
Try to rip a way from you
You just grip harder and harder

Friendships
We fight
We cry
We laugh
We joke
My friends
Are my angels
Sent down from heaven

I'm a lightweight
Don't say a word
I know you despite my whole being
For no reason in fact
I'm a lightweight
Better be careful what you say
Keep me from falling apart

******* *******
I know i'm not good
I realize i'm not like the others
I'm sorry
I wish i was too

The empty park bench
and the stars bare branches
Reminded him of life
Being stripped of emotion
and being numb from them
He says that trees branch will be him
When he's not constantly numb

I wonder
What everyone else
Says about their bodies
Without an ED of course
Brains who aren't poisoned
Mind isn't controlled by food and evil
I wonder
What it's like
To not have to engage
In ED's world
Where i'm stuck in a bouncy castle
One minutes up
Another down
One second trying to break free
Another being flung backwards
By Ana and Mia
Where they destroy young souls
Don't let them take your children
It turns them
Into monsters
That can never be redeemed

Rules, rules, rules
Counting calories
Counting seconds
Minutes left to run
Bites to eat
Hold my mouth closed
From food
Of all things
Not allowed
Not allowed a lot of things
There's demons, demons
In my brain
Evil, all evil
Surrounding me
Locking me in a cage
Of silence and isolation

My thoughts control me
Kids so innocent
Waiting for Christmas morning
Family, presents and decorations
I have such a love for Christmas

I'm scared
Of losing
What i already leave
Don't you see
This is a part of me
Don't want to lose
The thing
That's been there for me
All along

Sitting here so innocent
At that moment
I was just a little girl
In a matter of months
I grew up
Full of problems, memories and pain
That no 13 year old girl
Should ever go through
Let alone think about
A 13 year old girl
Who was happy and excited
About life
Now 15 years old
Wishing her life would end

Don't worry now
It will be okay
I promise
It can't rain forever
Seems storms will hold on
They eventually fade
Into the background
The real you
Will be the storm
That no one wants
To ever go away

Halloween
Supposed to be a kid's holiday
Instead it's ED's
Binge and purge fest
Cycle continues
No way to get out
Lost in the waves of destruction
It's secretive
Locked and chained doors
Only ED's sons and daughters can get in
You can't save me
ED has bolted the doors
He has the control

Happy
Is love
Happy
Is acceptance
Can't find a way
To make me happy
Nothing makes me good enough

Cutting is my drug
Bigger and better
Than any illegal drug
Better to feel high
Like you're high on drugs
Than deal with your emotions

Immortal
As could be
Stuck in my mind
Lost in the afterlife
Stuck in the immortal

Want to be normal
Want to be okay and happy
I feel the panic rising
Dead inside
I so badly
Want to drain my demons
Set them free
I'm scared
Someone please hold me
Tell me nothing bad is going to happen

Laughing uncontrollably
Feeling the love
Blooming like flowers
As bright as the sun
Friends
Brighten your day
When you need
To get out of the dark

Warm beach
Cold ice
Voices still there
All day
All night
Can't escape
The voice where my demons lie
Can't escape Ana and Mia
Where we are glued together
Like two pieces of a broken heart

At 15 this isn't
What i pictured for myself
Broken and manic
In every which way
This isn't what i wanted
I'm done
Lost forever

Winter is cold leaves
Falling off the tree
Warm gloves
and children playing
I'm inside destroying
My ragged broken soul

Go home
Eat, throw up
Eat, throw up
Eat, throw up
Scared of myself
Help me before i totally lose myself

I'm sorry i'm not perfect
I wish i could be what you wish
State of longing
I don't know where to go
Maybe this is how i'm supposed to be
Imperfect
Unlovable heart and soul
Can't remember what it was like before
Stop trying to change me
I'm not sick
I'm strong

All i want
Is to eat
Like any regular human would
I want to exercise for fun
Not to burn calories
ED controls me now
I can't retriete out of my mind
For any length of time
It always comes back
In a force that
Is too strong to bare

Reflections
Are amazing
But oh so very sad
Thoughts swirling
Reflections

People, people everywhere
People, people's opinions everywhere
People, people go away
Go away, go away
I'm way better off alone anyway

Feel the light
Feel the happiness
Of friendships
You never know
When they could disappear
As fast as a tornado crashing down

I most deeply want to find
Love and friendship
When i would understand
If they didn't
The little voice in my head whispers
"You don't deserve to be loved"
"They're only putting on a act, they're just pretending"
I'm scared to get close to anyone
They always find a way to slowly
Slip away from what we once were
Because that's all
I've ever known
I'm sorry
I might leave you
Before you leave me
It's easier that way
So i don't have to endure the disappointment
Once again

Dominated by my own mind
Scarred and poisoned
No way to make it go away
Somehow clinging to the brink of life
While being pulled down
By my demons
Just waiting for the right second
When i slowly lose my grip to existence
When i get to tired
I'm holding onto life
As if i was hanging off a cliff
While the consequences are much greater
A mountain lion is wanting his needs to be met
Which do i choose?
Satisfy my demons or satisfy myself?
I'm still hanging on
Until i see a person rescuing me
From the pain and anxiety
That my demons have slowly crept into my brain
Or until the mountain lion
Finally loosens his death grip on me

Summer
Hot concrete
Ice cream drips off the child's arm
Water splashing
She hides her demons
With a smile

I'm made of glass
Fragile and easily shaken
I shine with my smile
Beneath closed doors
I shatter and stumble

Please be my nightingale
Need to know
That you'll always be there
Nothing can replace
You and me
I'll think of you everyday
Even though i understand
If you never think of me

Lost in a society's version of beauty
I'm sorry i'm not beautiful
I feel terrible for not living up
To anyone's expectations
I'm not deserving of love
No one stays here
With me
They always leave
I don't understand
Leave me alone
I'm meant to be alone

All i want
Is to be happy and free
From the thing that is destroying me
I don't mean to hurt anyone
Believe me this isn't what i expected either
The voice is just too strong
To let me go
I'm sorry
I wish i could
Help myself
But right now i'm not me
I'm being controlled by an evil soul
Please save me
Before it's too late

Hold up
I didn't expect this
Life is moving
At lightning speed
I don't process change well
This is all happening too fast
Want to travel back in time
Where i was innocent and a baby
Hold up
A little girl grew up too fast
All it took was once
I'll never be the same

Someone give me peace
Give me strength
To fight my demons
They know how to swim
They are smart
Will wait for the right moment
To attack
When i finally
Find peace
With my own thoughts
In my head

I'm scared
My past life has risen
Once again
I'm scared
Of losing another human
Who can put up with me
Stuck in a spiral
Thoughts drown me
Need closure
That this isn't what i think it is

I didn't mean
For this to get out of hand
I just wanted to be in control
Maybe even become popular
I'm not meaning to hurt you
At all
I just honest to god
Can't stop

Words bolted down
Life ******* down
Like Jesus on the cross
Except this body is meant to die
She wasn't supposed to be here

Catch me
With your lovely hands
Eyes locked
With your comforting soul
Catch me
When i need saving

Maybe i'm just meant to be
This way
Meant to go to all lengths
To destroy my beloved soul

Feeling numb
From a cut
So amazing
Comforting blade
Keeps me alive
When i feel like dying

Legs cramping
Heart burning
Tears bounce off your cheek
I don't want to do this anymore
But at the same time
I want to feel my bones
My ribs protruding
Through my translucent skin
I want both
The sad reality is
I can't have both
Pulling between two continents
The continent of life and death
I spent too long
In the death continent
Of the world
The continent of life
Is calling my name
Can my feet let me
Travel that far?
Life is waiting for me
To seek my potential
In a non-destructive world

Someone hold me
Someone to carry me
Someone to tell me
You love me
Just tell me
You love me

Really alone
So scared
Help me please
Oh wait, i'm beyond saving

Blood, pooling on my skin
The moment of numbness
The moment where you feel broken
The one and only thing that can repair you
And bring you back to life again
Is a razor

Dizzy head
Confused heart
Don't know what to do
I want to be normal
Is that too much to ask?

Flowers blooming
Cool breeze
This is spring

Part of me
Is broken beyond repair
No repairing
The damage
That has already begun
Part of me is hidden
Where my demons
Tip toe and whisper
When i'm alone
They pounce
Just a matter of time

One, two, three
Hold my breath
Slice my skin
One, two, three, four
Blood pooling on the floor
Starting to sting
Starting to feel my emotions
On my skin
Lost in a cut
Lost in blood
Moment of calm
Before the storm