This is me
As raw as i can be
Feeling like a zombie day after day
Not eating
Waiting for the number to change
Stuck in my false reality
That i will ever be pretty

Scale refuses to move
Days go by
Number has dropped
Significantly
I still don't see
What i want to
When i will be able to see
What everyone else sees?

So cold
Oh, so very cold
Mom says because you're not eating enough
Dad says put on a jacket
I say okay
But what they don't see
Or don't know
Is a skeleton broken body
They can't take my secret away from me

Bingeing
Rocket blasting off
Can't stop
Numb
Holding my emotions
Throwing them away
The trash can
Are where my emotions lie
Stuffing them down
One by one
Stuck in the cycle

Have i mentioned that i'm crazy?
I'm insane
Crazy beyond belief
I'm crazy
Not surprised that no one likes me

You don't understand
How much i want
To live a normal life
Instead of calories and numbers
It's happy dreams
Where happiness consumes me
As i lay there
With my hipbones
Covered with skin
Like a normal human
I don't want to be a shell
I want to live like a normal teenager
Where food is a blessing
Not a sin
Something that i am not
Mortified to admit
I want to live a normal life
You don't undersetand
How much i've dreamed

I'm sorry i'm not the person you want to be around
I'm sorry i'm so imperfect
I'm sorry mom and dad
That you're stuck with me forever
I know you would choose any girl but me
Who would want to be
A ******* up sister, daughter and friend?
I wouldn't, I'm sorry the way i am
I truly am sorry

I don't care
If i die
Anymore
I wouldn't actually
Take my own life
I'm just not scared
Of death
Like most people are
I'm scared of living
For the rest of my life
With my thoughts controlling
Every move i make

Thoughts i never dreamed of thinking
Beliefs i never dreamed of believing
Myself i never dreamed of destructing
What happened?
My mind has disappeared into ashes
My body will soon too wither away
In a pile of ash

I'm starting to find
My way to live
I know how i should live
I deserve to live happy
Without anxiety
Without feelings of inadequacy
I'm still nervous
Nervous
That my security blanket
Will be gone forever
I know it's best
For it to disappear
Completely
I still can't decide
If i want to
How do i decide?
How do i decide
Between fragile and numb
To healthy and happy?
Can't decide

I want to do better
I want to live life freely
Like we all were created
For freedom
Freedom from the devil's hand

Help me she cries
Wrapped in woven blanket
Sad glass eyes
Broken shards of skin
Were cried
From her teary eyes

I wonder
What will happen next?
Walking on eggshells
To my next destination
Constantly wonder
What will happen
Fear and constant wonder
To experiment with
It will all be okay
As long as we don't fear wonder
Into our minds
Everything will all be okay

Vultures all around me
Waiting to attack
Break open the flesh
Open my hurting heart
To catch the demon
That's been consuming
My soul for so long

Internal war
In my mind
All day
Every day
Have to obey ED
Or something bad will happen
Orders to obey
Numbers to calculate
Miles to run
Food to either throw away
Or scarf down
In a certain amount of time
Have to obey him
Can't risk
Something terrible happening
Way easier
To give in

Lost little girl afraid of food
Lost little girl afraid of everything
Lost little girl afraid of herself
Afraid of getting
Beyond repair

Scarred arms
Chewed nails
Fat drooping
Poison fills my veins
So broken i can't explain
Heart pounding
Hands shaking
Want this to end
Can trust no one

I feel like i'm living a lie
Dajavue
Go to school
Come home
Say what i'm supposed to say
Do what's right

As the sun beat low among the horizon
There was a girl who stepped outside
To get away from everything
She found a 9 year old girl named Ashley
She's a ghost, she says only herself can see her
She says Ashley's her only friend

I'm debating
Recovery
I'm fearful
Yet blessed
My life will be normal
Again
I'm debating
The real necessity
For food
I do know
That it is 100%
Necessary to live
A normal life
Once again

Demi lovato
My lover
She keeps me breathing
Just knowing i get to see her
in 40 days

I'm really scared
Shaking and sweating
Starving for food
I don't want to die
Help me before i lose my mind

Jeans getting looser
Shirt falling off my shoulders
Skinny equals fragile
Have someone worry
They might break me
Stuck in a world
Where my secrets lie
Secrets are hidden
Like quicksand
You can't get out
My mind stuck
My soul drowning
Murphy disappeared
ED has the rope
His evil hands loosen his grip
Almost falling
Almost drowning
Begging him to stop
Tighten his grip
No use have to obey him
Or i drown
In the quicksand of life

Stuck in perfection
The mirror distorted view
Cycle continues

Footsteps
All around the house
Non-stopping
It's an invisible monster
Waiting to strike
To get into your body
Slowly taking over
Your mind and soul

I'm not worthy of love
Scared to live
Drowning into the abyss
Being held down
Can't find my way
Back up

Drowning, drowning
Faster, faster
Lost under the sea
Now i'm emaciated
Under the sea
Too late i say
You're too late to save me

Hands shake
Tears come
When i think of you
You're evil
Go to hell
Before you ruin
Someone else's
Innocent soul

Stop trying to understand
You never will
Digging deeper and deeper
You soon find your shovel stuck
Trying to get into my world
You will find a says
"Caution ED doesn't want you here"

Demons all around us
Only a few of these bats
They bite certain people
Who deserve it
Once you're stung
You are locked in a cage
Of demons

It gets worse
Before it gets better
ED wants all his control over me
He will die
When i suddenly learn
How to live life
Without him
The voice is now gone
With the faint noise of life
Coming through
ED will fight his way in
When i finally learn to value
Myself and how to cope with life
He is adamant on keeping me
To his evil world
I know i can't give in
Then i will be stuck
In his destructive grip
Once again

Surviving on 500 calories a day
Thoughts that never go away
Please help me
Save me from my self

Little girl in the corner
Silence surrounds me
People fill the room
Still feels more lonely than ever
It's interesting
When you can feel so alone
In a room filled of people

I think i have
Found the strength
To flap my wings
Fly out of the cage of darkness
Into the bright world
Flap my wings
Leave the nest out of my mind

The devil is in your ear
By your side
The devil is strong
And so incredibly evil
It's really scary
Being watched
24/7
If i disobey
Or do something wrong
I'm scared of being filled
With poison
Having Murphy
Splattered
All over the walls

I'm scared
Of losing
What i already leave
Don't you see
This is a part of me
Don't want to lose
The thing
That's been there for me
All along

Cutting is my escape
From this ****** up world
Hurt more times than one
Heartbroken time and time again
Starved from familiar faces
Scarred from life
Malnourished from human interaction
No one wants to be around
The girl who cuts herself
"Eww gross" you say
None taken, i know
I'm gross
So much more
I'm disgusting
That's why people never stay
They leave before
I get to explain
People always leave
Starving for solid friends
I need my sister here
I want my original friends here
Much more solid
Alone here
Second guessing
The choices i've made
People i've met
Tears roll down my face
Another one leaves
I need nourishment from the ones
Who love me the most

Stop yelling
Stop crying
Stop questioning
I won't give you the key
To open my doors
My doors are ******* shut
By ED
ED is my father now
I obey him
For better or for worse
He helps me
More than anyone else

My thoughts control me
Kids so innocent
Waiting for Christmas morning
Family, presents and decorations
I have such a love for Christmas

No one can change
The connection we had
I feel guilty
I didn't say i love you
Before your body
Turned to ash
I want you to know
I love for eternity
I always do
I always will

Warm beach
Cold ice
Voices still there
All day
All night
Can't escape
The voice where my demons lie
Can't escape Ana and Mia
Where we are glued together
Like two pieces of a broken heart

People ask
Do you want to recover?
It's complicated
I say
No one will understand
Unless they go through
This hell themselves
Innocent souls damaged
Hearts broken
Bones deranged
You'll never understand
What it's like
To live day to day
With the devil
Attached to your hip

Demi Lovato
Stay strong
Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect

Society loves
Society hates
Society labels
Society needs to change
It's up to me to change

Sometimes life is unfair
Heartbreaking
And some days you just want to hide
But the most rewarding part
About life
Is through all the hurt and pain
You finally rediscover yourself
And look back on your past life
And say i made it

I most deeply want to find
Love and friendship
When i would understand
If they didn't
The little voice in my head whispers
"You don't deserve to be loved"
"They're only putting on a act, they're just pretending"
I'm scared to get close to anyone
They always find a way to slowly
Slip away from what we once were
Because that's all
I've ever known
I'm sorry
I might leave you
Before you leave me
It's easier that way
So i don't have to endure the disappointment
Once again

I'm a lightweight
Don't say a word
I know you despite my whole being
For no reason in fact
I'm a lightweight
Better be careful what you say
Keep me from falling apart

At 15 this isn't
What i pictured for myself
Broken and manic
In every which way
This isn't what i wanted
I'm done
Lost forever

******* *******
I know i'm not good
I realize i'm not like the others
I'm sorry
I wish i was too

Over you
You don't even cross my mind
Anymore
I hate you
You will never be forgiven
I'm over you