Stuck in perfection
The mirror distorted view
Cycle continues

All i want to do
Is to eat
Like a normal human
I don't understand
Why they chose me
To get trapped
By this evil
Blood *******
Weight obsessed
Demon
In my head

Hands shake
Tears come
When i think of you
You're evil
Go to hell
Before you ruin
Someone else's
Innocent soul

Forever waiting
To find comfort
In the scale
Going down
Forever going down
Or staying just the same
Waiting for someone
To see evidence
Of my prolonging pain

Jeans getting looser
Shirt falling off my shoulders
Skinny equals fragile
Have someone worry
They might break me
Stuck in a world
Where my secrets lie
Secrets are hidden
Like quicksand
You can't get out
My mind stuck
My soul drowning
Murphy disappeared
ED has the rope
His evil hands loosen his grip
Almost falling
Almost drowning
Begging him to stop
Tighten his grip
No use have to obey him
Or i drown
In the quicksand of life

As the sun beat low among the horizon
There was a girl who stepped outside
To get away from everything
She found a 9 year old girl named Ashley
She's a ghost, she says only herself can see her
She says Ashley's her only friend

I'm really scared
Shaking and sweating
Starving for food
I don't want to die
Help me before i lose my mind

Rise from the ashes
Never thought this would be me
Crash down like thunder

There's a fleeting moment
When i feel beautiful
Like i can do anything
Everything
95% of the time
I feel like an elephant
In the circus
Getting picked on
Fold what to do
All day
Every day
I'm as fat
As an elephant
Who would be lucky
To be beautiful

Drowning, drowning
Faster, faster
Lost under the sea
Now i'm emaciated
Under the sea
Too late i say
You're too late to save me

I'm not worthy of love
Scared to live
Drowning into the abyss
Being held down
Can't find my way
Back up

This is me
As raw as i can be
Feeling like a zombie day after day
Not eating
Waiting for the number to change
Stuck in my false reality
That i will ever be pretty

Help me she cries
Wrapped in woven blanket
Sad glass eyes
Broken shards of skin
Were cried
From her teary eyes

I feel like i'm living a lie
Dajavue
Go to school
Come home
Say what i'm supposed to say
Do what's right

Recovery is feeling
Uncomfortable
Recovery is feeling
Emotions
Recovery is getting better
Physically and mentally
Food keeps the beast loud
Pretty soon
There is no longer
A voice in my head
That wants me
Skeletal and dead

Vultures all around me
Waiting to attack
Break open the flesh
Open my hurting heart
To catch the demon
That's been consuming
My soul for so long

Scale refuses to move
Days go by
Number has dropped
Significantly
I still don't see
What i want to
When i will be able to see
What everyone else sees?

You don't understand
How much i want
To live a normal life
Instead of calories and numbers
It's happy dreams
Where happiness consumes me
As i lay there
With my hipbones
Covered with skin
Like a normal human
I don't want to be a shell
I want to live like a normal teenager
Where food is a blessing
Not a sin
Something that i am not
Mortified to admit
I want to live a normal life
You don't undersetand
How much i've dreamed

Stop yelling
Stop crying
Stop questioning
I won't give you the key
To open my doors
My doors are ******* shut
By ED
ED is my father now
I obey him
For better or for worse
He helps me
More than anyone else

I want to do better
I want to live life freely
Like we all were created
For freedom
Freedom from the devil's hand

Lost little girl afraid of food
Lost little girl afraid of everything
Lost little girl afraid of herself
Afraid of getting
Beyond repair

Surviving on 500 calories a day
Thoughts that never go away
Please help me
Save me from my self

Demons all around us
Only a few of these bats
They bite certain people
Who deserve it
Once you're stung
You are locked in a cage
Of demons

Cutting is my escape
From this ****** up world
Hurt more times than one
Heartbroken time and time again
Starved from familiar faces
Scarred from life
Malnourished from human interaction
No one wants to be around
The girl who cuts herself
"Eww gross" you say
None taken, i know
I'm gross
So much more
I'm disgusting
That's why people never stay
They leave before
I get to explain
People always leave
Starving for solid friends
I need my sister here
I want my original friends here
Much more solid
Alone here
Second guessing
The choices i've made
People i've met
Tears roll down my face
Another one leaves
I need nourishment from the ones
Who love me the most

The devil is in your ear
By your side
The devil is strong
And so incredibly evil
It's really scary
Being watched
24/7
If i disobey
Or do something wrong
I'm scared of being filled
With poison
Having Murphy
Splattered
All over the walls

Scarred arms
Chewed nails
Fat drooping
Poison fills my veins
So broken i can't explain
Heart pounding
Hands shaking
Want this to end
Can trust no one

Demi lovato
My lover
She keeps me breathing
Just knowing i get to see her
in 40 days

I'm starting to find
My way to live
I know how i should live
I deserve to live happy
Without anxiety
Without feelings of inadequacy
I'm still nervous
Nervous
That my security blanket
Will be gone forever
I know it's best
For it to disappear
Completely
I still can't decide
If i want to
How do i decide?
How do i decide
Between fragile and numb
To healthy and happy?
Can't decide

Bingeing
Rocket blasting off
Can't stop
Numb
Holding my emotions
Throwing them away
The trash can
Are where my emotions lie
Stuffing them down
One by one
Stuck in the cycle

I don't care
If i die
Anymore
I wouldn't actually
Take my own life
I'm just not scared
Of death
Like most people are
I'm scared of living
For the rest of my life
With my thoughts controlling
Every move i make

Society loves
Society hates
Society labels
Society needs to change
It's up to me to change

No one can change
The connection we had
I feel guilty
I didn't say i love you
Before your body
Turned to ash
I want you to know
I love for eternity
I always do
I always will

It gets worse
Before it gets better
ED wants all his control over me
He will die
When i suddenly learn
How to live life
Without him
The voice is now gone
With the faint noise of life
Coming through
ED will fight his way in
When i finally learn to value
Myself and how to cope with life
He is adamant on keeping me
To his evil world
I know i can't give in
Then i will be stuck
In his destructive grip
Once again

Little girl in the corner
Silence surrounds me
People fill the room
Still feels more lonely than ever
It's interesting
When you can feel so alone
In a room filled of people

Thoughts i never dreamed of thinking
Beliefs i never dreamed of believing
Myself i never dreamed of destructing
What happened?
My mind has disappeared into ashes
My body will soon too wither away
In a pile of ash

Lost in a quiet moment
Getting rid of my demons
Blood on the floor
Those are my demons
In a pile of blood
Now i feel numb
The moment of bliss
Matching the inside
To the outside
Physical pain is so much easier
To deal with
That's why i do it
To get rid of emotional pain
That's why i cut
To feel something
But at the same time
To feel numb.

People ask
Do you want to recover?
It's complicated
I say
No one will understand
Unless they go through
This hell themselves
Innocent souls damaged
Hearts broken
Bones deranged
You'll never understand
What it's like
To live day to day
With the devil
Attached to your hip

Stop trying to understand
You never will
Digging deeper and deeper
You soon find your shovel stuck
Trying to get into my world
You will find a says
"Caution ED doesn't want you here"

I don't know how
I'll possibly get over you
You were my solid rock
When others
Already crumbled
Scared i will never find
Solidity
Once again
I will never forget you
Even when i didn't
Get to see your lifeless body
I saw your soul shine through
I will never get over you

Over you
You don't even cross my mind
Anymore
I hate you
You will never be forgiven
I'm over you

I think i have
Found the strength
To flap my wings
Fly out of the cage of darkness
Into the bright world
Flap my wings
Leave the nest out of my mind

Sleepless night
Thinking too much
Can't sleep
Drowning in self-hate

I'm debating
Recovery
I'm fearful
Yet blessed
My life will be normal
Again
I'm debating
The real necessity
For food
I do know
That it is 100%
Necessary to live
A normal life
Once again

Past of lies, cheating and distrust
I don't have any reason to trust anyone
The pile of blood you see is my demons
And thoughts.
It's not blood, its pain
When the memories flood my head
The razor is there when no one else is
When i want to quit fighting my demons
My razor keeps me alive.

I used to love food
waiting for meals and snacks
as if it were the most amazing thing
in the world.
Now i see food as poison in a sense
It isn't safe
Isn't worth my time anymore
Where all my time is spent
Trying to avoid food
or eat everything i can get my hands on
Only to throw it away
In my friend
My "secret keeper"
The toilet
The big round bowl
Where my secret lies
While i flush my sins away

I experience you
On and off
What do you want?
You won't fulfill
Get out
You will never get away
With your sick games

Scared of losing
What i want the most
To be thin
To have control
I'm not loving this
But i'm not ready
To give it up
I'm not ready
To let go of ED

Sometimes life is unfair
Heartbreaking
And some days you just want to hide
But the most rewarding part
About life
Is through all the hurt and pain
You finally rediscover yourself
And look back on your past life
And say i made it

Victories
I thought i would be strong enough
To achieve
Once again
Filled with self-loathing
I want to be special
I guess i'm not supposed to be

Footsteps
All around the house
Non-stopping
It's an invisible monster
Waiting to strike
To get into your body
Slowly taking over
Your mind and soul