So cold
Oh, so very cold
Mom says because you're not eating enough
Dad says put on a jacket
I say okay
But what they don't see
Or don't know
Is a skeleton broken body
They can't take my secret away from me

Forever waiting
To find comfort
In the scale
Going down
Forever going down
Or staying just the same
Waiting for someone
To see evidence
Of my prolonging pain

There's a fleeting moment
When i feel beautiful
Like i can do anything
Everything
95% of the time
I feel like an elephant
In the circus
Getting picked on
Fold what to do
All day
Every day
I'm as fat
As an elephant
Who would be lucky
To be beautiful

Bingeing
Rocket blasting off
Can't stop
Numb
Holding my emotions
Throwing them away
The trash can
Are where my emotions lie
Stuffing them down
One by one
Stuck in the cycle

I wonder
What will happen next?
Walking on eggshells
To my next destination
Constantly wonder
What will happen
Fear and constant wonder
To experiment with
It will all be okay
As long as we don't fear wonder
Into our minds
Everything will all be okay

Scale refuses to move
Days go by
Number has dropped
Significantly
I still don't see
What i want to
When i will be able to see
What everyone else sees?

Recovery is feeling
Uncomfortable
Recovery is feeling
Emotions
Recovery is getting better
Physically and mentally
Food keeps the beast loud
Pretty soon
There is no longer
A voice in my head
That wants me
Skeletal and dead

Internal war
In my mind
All day
Every day
Have to obey ED
Or something bad will happen
Orders to obey
Numbers to calculate
Miles to run
Food to either throw away
Or scarf down
In a certain amount of time
Have to obey him
Can't risk
Something terrible happening
Way easier
To give in

You don't understand
How much i want
To live a normal life
Instead of calories and numbers
It's happy dreams
Where happiness consumes me
As i lay there
With my hipbones
Covered with skin
Like a normal human
I don't want to be a shell
I want to live like a normal teenager
Where food is a blessing
Not a sin
Something that i am not
Mortified to admit
I want to live a normal life
You don't undersetand
How much i've dreamed

Vultures all around me
Waiting to attack
Break open the flesh
Open my hurting heart
To catch the demon
That's been consuming
My soul for so long

Hands shake
Tears come
When i think of you
You're evil
Go to hell
Before you ruin
Someone else's
Innocent soul

Stuck in perfection
The mirror distorted view
Cycle continues

As the sun beat low among the horizon
There was a girl who stepped outside
To get away from everything
She found a 9 year old girl named Ashley
She's a ghost, she says only herself can see her
She says Ashley's her only friend

Jeans getting looser
Shirt falling off my shoulders
Skinny equals fragile
Have someone worry
They might break me
Stuck in a world
Where my secrets lie
Secrets are hidden
Like quicksand
You can't get out
My mind stuck
My soul drowning
Murphy disappeared
ED has the rope
His evil hands loosen his grip
Almost falling
Almost drowning
Begging him to stop
Tighten his grip
No use have to obey him
Or i drown
In the quicksand of life

I want to do better
I want to live life freely
Like we all were created
For freedom
Freedom from the devil's hand

I'm starting to find
My way to live
I know how i should live
I deserve to live happy
Without anxiety
Without feelings of inadequacy
I'm still nervous
Nervous
That my security blanket
Will be gone forever
I know it's best
For it to disappear
Completely
I still can't decide
If i want to
How do i decide?
How do i decide
Between fragile and numb
To healthy and happy?
Can't decide

Help me she cries
Wrapped in woven blanket
Sad glass eyes
Broken shards of skin
Were cried
From her teary eyes

I feel like i'm living a lie
Dajavue
Go to school
Come home
Say what i'm supposed to say
Do what's right

I'm really scared
Shaking and sweating
Starving for food
I don't want to die
Help me before i lose my mind

I don't care
If i die
Anymore
I wouldn't actually
Take my own life
I'm just not scared
Of death
Like most people are
I'm scared of living
For the rest of my life
With my thoughts controlling
Every move i make

Lost little girl afraid of food
Lost little girl afraid of everything
Lost little girl afraid of herself
Afraid of getting
Beyond repair

I'm not worthy of love
Scared to live
Drowning into the abyss
Being held down
Can't find my way
Back up

Demi lovato
My lover
She keeps me breathing
Just knowing i get to see her
in 40 days

Scarred arms
Chewed nails
Fat drooping
Poison fills my veins
So broken i can't explain
Heart pounding
Hands shaking
Want this to end
Can trust no one

Drowning, drowning
Faster, faster
Lost under the sea
Now i'm emaciated
Under the sea
Too late i say
You're too late to save me

Thoughts i never dreamed of thinking
Beliefs i never dreamed of believing
Myself i never dreamed of destructing
What happened?
My mind has disappeared into ashes
My body will soon too wither away
In a pile of ash

Surviving on 500 calories a day
Thoughts that never go away
Please help me
Save me from my self

Footsteps
All around the house
Non-stopping
It's an invisible monster
Waiting to strike
To get into your body
Slowly taking over
Your mind and soul

I'm debating
Recovery
I'm fearful
Yet blessed
My life will be normal
Again
I'm debating
The real necessity
For food
I do know
That it is 100%
Necessary to live
A normal life
Once again

Stop yelling
Stop crying
Stop questioning
I won't give you the key
To open my doors
My doors are ******* shut
By ED
ED is my father now
I obey him
For better or for worse
He helps me
More than anyone else

The devil is in your ear
By your side
The devil is strong
And so incredibly evil
It's really scary
Being watched
24/7
If i disobey
Or do something wrong
I'm scared of being filled
With poison
Having Murphy
Splattered
All over the walls

Cutting is my escape
From this ****** up world
Hurt more times than one
Heartbroken time and time again
Starved from familiar faces
Scarred from life
Malnourished from human interaction
No one wants to be around
The girl who cuts herself
"Eww gross" you say
None taken, i know
I'm gross
So much more
I'm disgusting
That's why people never stay
They leave before
I get to explain
People always leave
Starving for solid friends
I need my sister here
I want my original friends here
Much more solid
Alone here
Second guessing
The choices i've made
People i've met
Tears roll down my face
Another one leaves
I need nourishment from the ones
Who love me the most

It gets worse
Before it gets better
ED wants all his control over me
He will die
When i suddenly learn
How to live life
Without him
The voice is now gone
With the faint noise of life
Coming through
ED will fight his way in
When i finally learn to value
Myself and how to cope with life
He is adamant on keeping me
To his evil world
I know i can't give in
Then i will be stuck
In his destructive grip
Once again

Demons all around us
Only a few of these bats
They bite certain people
Who deserve it
Once you're stung
You are locked in a cage
Of demons

Stop trying to understand
You never will
Digging deeper and deeper
You soon find your shovel stuck
Trying to get into my world
You will find a says
"Caution ED doesn't want you here"

Little girl in the corner
Silence surrounds me
People fill the room
Still feels more lonely than ever
It's interesting
When you can feel so alone
In a room filled of people

No one can change
The connection we had
I feel guilty
I didn't say i love you
Before your body
Turned to ash
I want you to know
I love for eternity
I always do
I always will

Society loves
Society hates
Society labels
Society needs to change
It's up to me to change

People ask
Do you want to recover?
It's complicated
I say
No one will understand
Unless they go through
This hell themselves
Innocent souls damaged
Hearts broken
Bones deranged
You'll never understand
What it's like
To live day to day
With the devil
Attached to your hip

I'm scared
Of losing
What i already leave
Don't you see
This is a part of me
Don't want to lose
The thing
That's been there for me
All along

I think i have
Found the strength
To flap my wings
Fly out of the cage of darkness
Into the bright world
Flap my wings
Leave the nest out of my mind

******* *******
I know i'm not good
I realize i'm not like the others
I'm sorry
I wish i was too

Demi Lovato
Stay strong
Love is louder than the pressure to be perfect

I don't know how
I'll possibly get over you
You were my solid rock
When others
Already crumbled
Scared i will never find
Solidity
Once again
I will never forget you
Even when i didn't
Get to see your lifeless body
I saw your soul shine through
I will never get over you

Over you
You don't even cross my mind
Anymore
I hate you
You will never be forgiven
I'm over you

Lost in a quiet moment
Getting rid of my demons
Blood on the floor
Those are my demons
In a pile of blood
Now i feel numb
The moment of bliss
Matching the inside
To the outside
Physical pain is so much easier
To deal with
That's why i do it
To get rid of emotional pain
That's why i cut
To feel something
But at the same time
To feel numb.

I used to love food
waiting for meals and snacks
as if it were the most amazing thing
in the world.
Now i see food as poison in a sense
It isn't safe
Isn't worth my time anymore
Where all my time is spent
Trying to avoid food
or eat everything i can get my hands on
Only to throw it away
In my friend
My "secret keeper"
The toilet
The big round bowl
Where my secret lies
While i flush my sins away

I experience you
On and off
What do you want?
You won't fulfill
Get out
You will never get away
With your sick games

Sleepless night
Thinking too much
Can't sleep
Drowning in self-hate

I'm a lightweight
Don't say a word
I know you despite my whole being
For no reason in fact
I'm a lightweight
Better be careful what you say
Keep me from falling apart