Losing control
Who are you trying to take away my secret?
It's more than a secret
It's my world
My salvation
My sanctuary
That is mine and mine only
*******
This is my caged and destructive world
Leave us alone
We don't want you here

You are a dead to me
You dumb, naive soul
You don't know me
I see through you like glass
I'm made of steel
You can't get in

I'm still confused
About recovery
I do really want to
But at the same time
There's this little tug
Telling me to stay
Fragile and sick
How do i fight this voice?

Tired
Tired of being sick
Tired of being tired
Tired of being weighed down
By the weight of the world
I'm sick and tired
Of being imperfect
I'm sorry
I don't understand myself

Going downstairs
Dad passed out drunk on the couch
Walking home from school
The kitchen awaits
The binge monster who is hiding
In the cupboards
Go to school
Being drowned by opinions
And strangled by anxiety
Who says
Silence is safe
The weekend  
Diet Dr. Pepper
Filling my undeserving stomach
Eat when i'm told
Boundaries have risen
Parents going their separate ways
In my room
In my escape
Books

People trapped in boxes
Others free from turmoil
Some of us aren't so lucky
Drowning in turmoil
Day after day
Annoyed at life
Hate life
Nothing worth
The time of day
Day in and out
Food
Day in and out
Darkness surrounding
Like the grim reaper
Hate myself with deep passion
Go away
I'm not worth your time

Frustrated and scared
Slowly losing my way
Lost in the darkness
Scared of the future
Terrified of the future

Diet Dr. Pepper
My saving grace
Keeps me from eating
Keeps me from disappointment
When i see all these wrappers around me

Scared of love
Scared of hate
Don't deal in lies
Can't handle
Another loss
Go away
Before i have you first

Purging
Flushing the disappointment
Puking up sadness
Stand up
Wipe my repulsive face
Feeling high as a kite
No feelings in me
Empty like a hollow heart
Evidence of my soul flushed

Conflicting emotions
Over this thing called
Recovery
One minute
Wanting to break free
In a couple of hours
It changes
Into wanting to stay
In the safe arms
Of destruction
To the behaviors
I crave the most

Control has always been an issue
Control over how i was born
Control over everyone and everything
Interesting concept
I control my food
It's not about losing weight
It never was
Control was my issue
Sense of safety among a thing
Food is the only thing
That i can control

Terrified
That i will be like this
Forever
I don't want this to be real
At the same time
I love this
I like the feeling of numbness
Countless of other things
That make up anorexia
I just want to be fragile
Like a baby
I want to be baby

Stolen away by clouds of self-destruction
Lost in a world
Where food is poison
and bones are angels and goddesses
Lost in a world where all i have
Is self destruction

I'm a shameful secret
That you try with every ounce of your strength
To hide from the world
No sound
No breath
Invisible
Dead to the world
No point in hiding the facts
Despicable human being
I'm sorry
I don't know what to say

Stop the world
For just a few days
So i can get a grasp
On what i'm supposed
To be doing in this crazy
Unpredictable world

Best night ever
Stuck in a trance
You beside me
Hands locked
Lips locked
Caress my leg
Lovely
Handsome man
Sitting by the fire
Snuggling
Together forever

Food is a sin
Hunger is a gift
Evidence of my soul
That is shattered
Beyond repair
Food can wait
More than my heart can
Handle this crippling
Depression
That won't go away

So much food
How can people eat this much?
It's disgusting
I hate meal plans
But i guess this is part
Of the recovery process

All of a sudden my world
Is bombarded with the consumption of food
Or desperately trying to rid yourself
of the necessity of food
Normal human functions
Don't seem so normal anymore
****** functions are now shameful
Trying to destroy the thing that
Destroys you

One moment
One fleeting idea
One action
Is all it took
For me to realize
I need more
One thought of control
Three years go by
You don't even realize it
You've been numb for too long
Now, when you feel ashamed
Of eating 50 calories
Above your "limit"
You've set for the day
Only then will you realize
This is controlling me now
Can't get out of this torture
I want to cry
I want to cry in frustration
I want to cry for food
I'm hungry
I can't eat
I'm scared
I haven't succeeded yet
In this disease
Because there is no visible
Evidence of my hungry soul

The hunger is suffocating my soul
The type that goes away temporarily
But is always craving for more
Hunger is what consumes me
The type that never goes away
Always craving for a satisfaction
That i will never find

Sensing the binge monster
Slowly creeping in
Stepping one foot in
Then the next
Soon he'll strike
As fast as i can
Open the wrapper
Of destruction
Hanging there
Bones clinching
Heart fluttering
Hands shaking
I don't like fullness
Makes me sick

The power of hunger
The power of words
The power of silence
Starts to get to you
You can fill the bitter
Cold of loneliness
in your bones
they are slowly wasting away
from the hunger of
loneliness that will
eat away at your soul

Addicted to bones
Addicted to scars
Addicted to self-destruction
Can't find my way out of the darkness
Running from myself
While the young girl
Had tears in her eyes
Scared of the girl
Staring back at her

Everyone describes my body as
"Healthy"
I want to be light as a feather
Nothing more
Nothing less

I've succumbed to this image
In my head
Someone more beautiful
More popular
That i will ever be
Jealous of my brother
Outgoing and fun
Everyone says i'm shy
And quiet, I'm sorry
I know all of you want me
To resemble his friendly personality
I just wish to be him
With no problems keeping friends
I'm sorry
I'm not like him

Friendships
Friendships come and go
But some will always stay
But you
You know no matter what
I love my friends
They teach me to have fun, laugh and smile
I thank them for getting out of my disastrous mind
For a little while

I want you here
I hate you
Go away
Undeserving soul
I want you here
to save me
From my demons
I hate you
Don't leave me
I feel like i can't breathe
I'm pieces
You complete me

My soul has been ripped
Out of my chest
My demons have taken over
Cold blade
Silent ears
Empty soul

My mind
Is a confusing place
My parents
Think i'm crazy
I don't know
What to say
I'm not normal
I'm not myself
I'm a shell of a girl
Who wants to be thin
How hard is that to understand?

My heart is broken
Stuck in my head
Lost at sea
Don't know what i'm doing
In a place so dark
As dark as the night sky
My heart is broken
Get away from me
You don't deserve
To see my pain

Family
Keeps me grounded
Keeps me loved
Friends come and go
Family is forever

Parents can be my strength
And my weakness
They try to understand
My needs and wants
It's hard to explain
My inner demons
They never understand
They try and try
And i know their love is there
They are weak in their understanding
Though they try so hard
To grasp my pain

Festive lights all around
Between maples and oaks
I wonder like during the holidays
When everybody likes each other
and we forget pain and darkness
Where life isn't hurt or pain
I wonder what life would be like
If everyday was filled
With happiness
I wonder what it's like to be happy
Cause i forget what it's like
To be happy when i'm not supposed to

I'm holding on
Just incase
Just incase
I find the glimmer of hope
I've been searching for
In the dark shadows of the night

All i want to do
Is to eat
Like a normal human
I don't understand
Why they chose me
To get trapped
By this evil
Blood *******
Weight obsessed
Demon
In my head

Strip me from my soul
Strip me from evil
Need to leave
Move on
I can't stand this anymore
Somebody help me
Strip me from my demons
Evil hands
Scared of them
Yet again they're friends
Strip me from the doubt
That they're here to help
I know they're here to help
I know they're waiting
For my weakest moment
To slowly drain out the poison
And **** me

Slowly going down
I thought
This would help me
Someway
Somehow
I've become lost
Nowhere to be found
This is all too much
Need to relieve
My thoughts
That have been
Haunting me
For so long

I'm used to my life
Fighting to keep friendships alive
Why can't i just be normal
Ana is my only friend
Who keeps me in line
A person in my head
Is my only friend
Totally lost my mind
To what i seek
I want to have friends
That stay
Like everyone else
Why is it so hard?
I don't understand

Please stop
Lost in a destructive world
Digging myself a hole
Please stop
You shouldn't worry
About a useless soul like me

You said forever and always
You would be by my side
Whispering in my ear
Everything would be okay
If it's not okay it's not the end
You promised
You would put all my broken
Pieces back together
What if i'm unfixable?
Constantly searching
For a brighter soul

Babies screaming
Trying to attain their needs
While trying to console myself
You cant take care of another
Human being
When you can't even feed yourself
Emotionally unstable mother
I'm sorry baby

Bones like in a cemetery
Among the living dead
Only now the bones
Are walking
And functioning
A human skeleton
Or as some say
A walking skeleton
The ghost is anorexia
She has taken over me

I like to say
That i know
My way around the world
The truth is
I can't find a reason to stay

Rise from the ashes
Never thought this would be me
Crash down like thunder

Locked in a cage
My attackers aren't animals
They're demons
Chewing up my soul
Spitting it out in a pile of blood
Murphy
Is poisoned by demons
She won't let go
She trapped her
In a cage so dark
She looked invisible

This is me
As raw as i can be
Feeling like a zombie day after day
Not eating
Waiting for the number to change
Stuck in my false reality
That i will ever be pretty

Have i mentioned that i'm crazy?
I'm insane
Crazy beyond belief
I'm crazy
Not surprised that no one likes me

I'm sorry i'm not the person you want to be around
I'm sorry i'm so imperfect
I'm sorry mom and dad
That you're stuck with me forever
I know you would choose any girl but me
Who would want to be
A ******* up sister, daughter and friend?
I wouldn't, I'm sorry the way i am
I truly am sorry