I keep saying you don't understand
I'm telling the truth
Maybe you try
But can't you see that isn't enough?
Do you understand what it's like
To be stuck in a self-destructive brain?
Do you understand what it's like
To feel numb to your emotions?
Do you know what it's like
To feel everything's going to go wrong
If you decide just this once
And lift the fork to your mouth?
Do you understand what it's like
To have the sight of blood
And the number on the scale going down
Gives you a high like a alcoholic?
No, now do you see why
You don't understand?

Phone almost dead
Have to get into my other fake reality
Besides music
Books

Fingernails blue
My existence slowly fading
My existence isn't worthwhile
Scared of my own existence
But i don't want to die

Diet Dr. Pepper
My saving grace
Keeps me from eating
Keeps me from disappointment
When i see all these wrappers around me

Go home
Eat, throw up
Eat, throw up
Eat, throw up
Scared of myself
Help me before i totally lose myself

I'm really scared
Shaking and sweating
Starving for food
I don't want to die
Help me before i lose my mind

Can't concentrate
All thoughts on when i get food
Help me i'm losing my mind

Blood, pooling on my skin
The moment of numbness
The moment where you feel broken
The one and only thing that can repair you
And bring you back to life again
Is a razor

Depression feels like
A thousand 10 pound weights
Weighing you down
Sometimes i like depression
Others i hate it
and i just want to be normal
Ana sits around
In my head all day
She says alot of nasty things
When you hear something
Said to you
For so long you start to believe it
Unfortanetly that's what happened
To me
Whoever thinks this is a choice
and just wanting to be thin
I would never do this in a million years
If i just wanted to be thin
I wouldn't hurt my family the way i'm doing
I wouldn't hurt my friends the way i'm doing
I'm not that kind of person

So cold
Oh, so very cold
Mom says because you're not eating enough
Dad says put on a jacket
I say okay
But what they don't see
Or don't know
Is a skeleton broken body
They can't take my secret away from me

Wasting away
Bruised and broken
Lost and scared
Please save me
Before i completely
Lose myself
In a dangerous obsession
With skinny
Please help me
I'm really scare
I don't want to lose this
But i know if i keep going
I will be among the living dead
Please help me
Before i waste away

Can we trade souls?
My soul is nowhere to be found
My soul is dark and scary
I would like to switch
With a soul
That is worth trading

As the first, crisp breeze
of autumn blew...
Kids playing
Happily in the leaves
No worries about anything
Just playing in the leaves
Without a care in the world
Cold air all around
Cool breeze blowing in our faces
Fall is leaves and cold air
Pretty soon it will be winter
Fall is cool
Fall is in between winter and summer
Not to hot not to cold
That's what i love about fall

Love, a simple word
A word that we often don't understand
We all want to be loved and accepted
It's difficult to find your way in this world
When this world is so big
So many people telling you what to do
and how to do them
Finding your path in this world
Is challenging
You will get on the path
And get knocked off
But eventually
You will find your way in this world

Sitting here so innocent
At that moment
I was just a little girl
In a matter of months
I grew up
Full of problems, memories and pain
That no 13 year old girl
Should ever go through
Let alone think about
A 13 year old girl
Who was happy and excited
About life
Now 15 years old
Wishing her life would end

If you only knew
What i go through
On a daily basis
You would admit
What you said to me
Be a man
And say you're sorry
But of course
You're not a man
You're a little boy
That is afraid
Of getting in trouble
I suggest you grow some *****
Oh wait
You don't have any
Sorry i forgot
Cause if you did
You would apologize
I can't believe i thought
You would apologize
I hope you realize
What you've done to me
You probably won't
But you will one day
When we meet in hell

Words he said to me
Brought me down like cement
So afraid, so scared
Don't know what to do
Words he spoke
Oh, those awful words
He spoke
The memories are a dagger
In my heart
The only way to get rid of
Those awful words
Is to dive into my world
Of self-destruction
And drown in my own pain.

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful
Thankful for all we have
Family, friends and even heartache
Because they shape us
Into who we are today

Love is in the air
People care so much
I often don't understand why
But i'm so thankful

My thoughts control me
Kids so innocent
Waiting for Christmas morning
Family, presents and decorations
I have such a love for Christmas

Flowers all around
Friendships last forever
Chocolate waterfalls
That would be a perfect world

It was only a year ago
That strange events began
That's when my demons take over
Stuck in a web
Now i can't seem to be set free
Where the blood on the floor
Is my demons
You don't see yourself living with it
You see that you are it.

Lost in a quiet moment
Getting rid of my demons
Blood on the floor
Those are my demons
In a pile of blood
Now i feel numb
The moment of bliss
Matching the inside
To the outside
Physical pain is so much easier
To deal with
That's why i do it
To get rid of emotional pain
That's why i cut
To feel something
But at the same time
To feel numb.

Lost in a quiet moment
I lay there with darkness
All around me
Ana's grip is just too strong
I cant seem to make
Her strong grip disappear
She seeps through my veins
Like poisin
Sooner or later
She will send me to my grave

Help me, Help me, Help me please
I'm destroying myself
And i don't see a way out
Please help me before i break
Nature can be a way of expressing yourself
You can go outside
If you need time alone
To just get away
You also have a better attitude
and outlook on yourself
When you're outside you can
Go and do whatever
and go wherever you want.

I've lost myself
To this awful disease
It ruins people's lives
This disease called depression
No one deserves to feel the pain
That i'm going through
I wouldn't wish this on anyone
It ruins your life in one second
Can you take my problems?
I don't want them anymore...

I hate myself
I'm a terrible person
What's wrong with me?
I'm such an awful
Disgusting human being
I don't understand
How anyone likes me
How can people like me
When i absolutely hate myself?

Lost in the dark
Or more rather in a hole
and i can't see my way out
Lost in the dark
Don't understand
Why please help me
Find my way back to life

Uncontrollable obsession
With self-control
Destroys her being

A friend is a flower
They bloom each day
They're always at your side

Crisp leaves
cracked beneath my feet
as i was walking peacefully
Around a pond seeing nature
and smelling the air.

Faces light up
Filled with delight
As they see me genuinely happy
and not numb to my emotions
and they see me as a happy girl
When i'm actually living
Not just surviving

The empty park bench
and the stars bare branches
Reminded him of life
Being stripped of emotion
and being numb from them
He says that trees branch will be him
When he's not constantly numb

Festive lights all around
Between maples and oaks
I wonder like during the holidays
When everybody likes each other
and we forget pain and darkness
Where life isn't hurt or pain
I wonder what life would be like
If everyday was filled
With happiness
I wonder what it's like to be happy
Cause i forget what it's like
To be happy when i'm not supposed to

Beneath the stars and skies
Is a world we often don't understand
Full of pain and heartache
And thoughts swirling around in my head
Filled with darkness
To remind me of how lonely and broken
I really am

Swirling leaves danced around
As she played with her cousins
And piled each other in leaves

As the sun beat low among the horizon
There was a girl who stepped outside
To get away from everything
She found a 9 year old girl named Ashley
She's a ghost, she says only herself can see her
She says Ashley's her only friend

The memories and lies eating me up inside
Flashbacks one after the other
I can't do this anymore
I want all the voices to stop
The afterlife seems so much easier
Than the hell of life

I don't want to die
But if i was in a life or death situation
I wouldn't choose life
I'm sorry i'm so difficult
So i'm going to save you all the heartache
And go peacefully

Friendships
Friendships come and go
But some will always stay
But you
You know no matter what
I love my friends
They teach me to have fun, laugh and smile
I thank them for getting out of my disastrous mind
For a little while

I hate myself
I'm such a disgrace to the world
I'm sorry mom and dad
I know you don't like me
Who would want
A cutter and anorexic as a wife?
I'll never be loved and accepted

I'm sorry i'm not the person you want to be around
I'm sorry i'm so imperfect
I'm sorry mom and dad
That you're stuck with me forever
I know you would choose any girl but me
Who would want to be
A ******* up sister, daughter and friend?
I wouldn't, I'm sorry the way i am
I truly am sorry

Surviving on 500 calories a day
Thoughts that never go away
Please help me
Save me from my self

Past of lies, cheating and distrust
I don't have any reason to trust anyone
The pile of blood you see is my demons
And thoughts.
It's not blood, its pain
When the memories flood my head
The razor is there when no one else is
When i want to quit fighting my demons
My razor keeps me alive.

****** is what i call me
Can't fit in
I'm "weird"
I try to make people like me
But yet again
It never works
I'm not going to try anymore
You win

His words, his awful words
Haunt me everyday
Memories and flashbacks
Are terrifying
I spent a whole 9 months with you
I don't need your flashbacks...
Please, please get out of my head

Numb, i feel numb
like i'm not even here
How can i feel alive?
Numb, numb, numb
Is what i feel
Numb is how i like it.

Food never leaves my mind
As hard as i try to avoid it
It still consumes my every thought
Scale, weight and numbers
All in my head
It's like children during Christmas
But this is way different
It's not sweet and lovely
It's dark and unpleasant
There's only one catch
It lasts forever.

Alone in this world
Where no one understands me
How could anyone love me?
I hate differences
People telling me what to do
and how to do them.
Why should i care
if they don't care about me.
I'm better off in this world
Alone

She creeps up on you, unexpectedly
Her dark and heavy hands
When she grabs you
She won't let you go.
Darkness consumes you
Then your life
Has changed forever.