I know for a fact
I'm not underweight
I desperately want my body
To match my mind
Fragile and broken
Beyond repair

Conflicting emotions
Over this thing called
Recovery
One minute
Wanting to break free
In a couple of hours
It changes
Into wanting to stay
In the safe arms
Of destruction
To the behaviors
I crave the most

Footsteps
All around the house
Non-stopping
It's an invisible monster
Waiting to strike
To get into your body
Slowly taking over
Your mind and soul

I'm starting to find
My way to live
I know how i should live
I deserve to live happy
Without anxiety
Without feelings of inadequacy
I'm still nervous
Nervous
That my security blanket
Will be gone forever
I know it's best
For it to disappear
Completely
I still can't decide
If i want to
How do i decide?
How do i decide
Between fragile and numb
To healthy and happy?
Can't decide

I'm still confused
About recovery
I do really want to
But at the same time
There's this little tug
Telling me to stay
Fragile and sick
How do i fight this voice?

I want to exercise
I'm too fat to run
I can't do anything
It's probably good
That i don't workout
I need to get
My mind and body
Healthy again
So i can live
Happy, healthy and free

I'm debating
Recovery
I'm fearful
Yet blessed
My life will be normal
Again
I'm debating
The real necessity
For food
I do know
That it is 100%
Necessary to live
A normal life
Once again