It's when everything aches
that you realize you've been lying
when you said that you were steel,
when you said you couldn't break,
because now you're lying on the kitchen floor, shattered like the plate you threw
out of frustration, and you've been crying so loud that you're neighbors are worried,
and the "I'm sorry" you sent in the mail can only go so far, because a bandaid can't fix me anymore.

I can feel myself losing air
because the water is filling my lungs
and I can see the shore
but it's so far away
and the anchor around my waist
is pulling me farther away
than I want to be
and I can't breathe anymore
I told you the first night
that you'd be the death of me

I spent six months trying to wash you out of my system, knowing all too well that it'd take more than three shots of ***** and a few walks down my street to forget how you used to grab my waist and kiss my forehead.

I spent 26 weeks wondering how you're doing, wondering where you went, wondering why I wasn't good enough to come with you. 26 weeks locked in a prison,  with my heart in a cage beneath my ribs, dying to be anyone else, anywhere else, if it meant I didn't have to think about you.

I spent 182 days crying on the bathroom floor, ignoring all the times my mom told me that it would get better, because the only way I could be better was with you next to me. 182 days wishing she'd be right.

I spent 4,368 hours untying the knots you left around my heart, trying to untangle myself from you, but it was of no use, because after 4,368 days, you called me and I found myself in a tangled mess at your feet, eager to wrap around you again.

I spent 262,080 minutes rotting in the shell of my body because you threw me out one day. 262,080 minutes, crumbling in on myself, because you said that you didn't love me anymore, after I carved out my insides to make room for the broken boy down the street.

I spent 15,724,800 seconds waiting for the day that I could look in the mirror and not see the puffy eyes from last night's tears, the day that I could finally see myself again. 15,724,800 seconds, waiting for the day that I became whole again after giving myself away to a boy who didn't care.

But the worst part is, I'd spend the next six months waiting for you if you said you wanted me to.

Say you miss me
I'll watch you lie
Say you love me
I've got time
I've watched your skin crawl
enough times by now
to know that lies come easy
to know that you know how
so kiss me goodbye
but it won't be your last
you never leave
you've been stuck in the past
Your kiss is toxic
I learned that long ago
but I'm addicted to your drugs
And I won't ever let you go

Counting heartbeats
steady breathes
watch your pace
watch your step
one wrong turn
one false step
it's all over
you lost the bet
tear streaked cheeks
And a runny nose
you try to hide it
he already knows
Curl up small
He'll wrap you up
bury your face
"It's okay, love."

"Some days she's stubborn as hell. She won't let me kiss her cheek because she needs her space, but the very next day she will smother me in all of her love and affection, until I have to beg her to stop. Some days she's so weak that she doesn't leave her bed, and she'll cry into my tshirt while I play with her hair. She won't say anything, so I won't ask. Sometimes she will tell me everything on her mind, no matter how much it hurts her or how much it will hurt me, and she'll stand with such bravery, I'll forget every time I held her while tears stained her little pink cheeks. When we are with her friends, I'll watch her laugh from across the room and she'll smile at me and I'll forget everytime we ever fought. I'll watch her cook with my mom, and they're so much alike, but I never knew that's what I needed until her. I see her smiling and laughing and crying and shaking and I know that she is everything I ever want.

I am like Autumn,
full of colors and warmth.
That's what you told me that October night in your bed, your arms wrapped around me, like I was your lifeline.
I am like Autumn,
more so than you'd think.
I am the leaves that fall from the tree, dying. The colors you love so much are my last, I'm a spark about to burn out, like all of the bonfires you took me to.
Autumn is full of death, and you think it's beautiful. So am I, but the kind of death I possess is hardly beautiful.