I need a sedative.
Desperation never looked good on anyone.
But when I show a little skin and do my make-up just right,
I can make it more than passable.
I can make them fall in love with the way my body becomes music, and my hollow gaze, and my photo-shopped smile...
All before they even know my name.
Not that they will ever care to know it.

My emptiness is unbearable.
And my heart is running away with my mind,
So they can live in train cars
Or abandoned warehouses
Or maybe a nice treehouse somewhere.
If they're smart, they'll see the world before settling down.

Meanwhile,
What's left behind is walking along the streets in quiet neighborhoods,
Humming sad songs that sound like hallelujah and empty orchestras,
While the rain melts me into the cracks in the sidewalk.
I'll be nothing at all by morning.

I'm not a real girl anyways.
I'm a memory box.
Keep your best of times tucked away in me.
I'll gather dust in the garage, or the attic, or the basement.
Or maybe, if I'm really lucky, a shelf in your room,
Where, at least occasionally, you'll glance at me and smile.
But even that is aiming pretty high.

Pros:                                              Cons:
- I quit caffiene                              - I feel exhausted
- I stopped over eating               - I hardly eat
- I sleep better                                - I stay up all night and sleep all                                                              ­        
                                                        ­         day
- I dream again                               - They're nightmares
- I'm healthier                                 - Almost all I "eat" are those                                                          
 ­                                                                health smoothies I get at work
- I'm more social                            - I'll talk to anyone if it will                                                             ­   
                                                             ­     keep me from thinking about                                                            ­
                                                                ­  you
- I'm no longer numb                   - I feel so much pain I'm getting                                                          ­
                                                                ­  panic attacks again
- I no longer stress over              - I don't care about school at all
   school work
- I'm writing again                          - I only write about you

How do you think I'm doing?

Well, it all started harmlessly enough
We were just two kids with nothing better to do
And we never would have been together otherwise
But you were there, and so was I
At first it was like a bad movie
Or one of those ****** teen melodramas
But in between the alcohol and "hush hush" ***
And seeing other people
We saw something in each other that we wanted

That second-first-kiss was when it all started to go down hill
When your breath didn't smell like beer
And your lips were warm and soft
And your arms wrapped around me in the cold, happy to have an excuse
I felt that kiss for days
I can still see your eyes shining down at me
That was the moment we knew we were onto something

A couple weeks later was when it really went bad
You told me you had to leave and I actually cried
You held me and made me promise I'd hold on
You wiped my tears for the first time
And I knew I'd hold on
Those were the months we fell in love

When I reached the west coast, it became hopeless
You let me into a part of your world that was sacred
When we stayed up watching movies
And fell asleep in each others' arms
And you introduced me to all of your closest friends
You expanded my world
That was when we knew there was no going back

But it was when we came back home that it truly fell apart
With reality to face, we used each other to escape
And we got jobs and signed up for classes
And you taught me the difference between ******* and making love
And we were happy
That was when I knew I'd never want anyone else
Unfortunately, that was when you realized you wanted anyone else

I think I'll let you hold me for a little while longer,
Because I love the warmth
As much as you love me.
And you might think I'm cruel for letting you hold me together,
But you need to feel strong
Like I need to breathe.

Baby, be my savior in an empty parking lot;
Be my laughter in the evening,
And my strength when I am not.
Honey,
You can drown my every care and keep me warm at night,
But I'm never gonna need you, 'cause you're not who's on my mind.

I think I'll let you use me for a little while longer,
I love to feel needed
Like you love to feel free.
And you might think I'm blind for thinking we might get together,
But I need the lie
As much as you need me.

Baby, be my savior in an empty parking lot;
Be my laughter in the evening,
And my strength when I am not.
Honey,
You can drown my every care and keep my warm at night,
But I'm never gonna need you, 'cause you're not who'd on my mind.

And you can tell me
That it's empty
And it doesn't mean a thing.
Well, I'm hoping
Just for your sake
That is what you really think.
'Cause the truth is
We're all users
In a drug infested life.
Where the cause
Of the effect
Is being lonely and alive.

There are days I wake up and realize I'm dead;
I'm rotting from the inside as my
Muscles and my sinew and my heart
All go the way of my mind --
Lost-lost-lost.
I move at the pace of breathing,
But even that isn't fast enough to
Wade through all the ******* in time to come up for air,
Or slow enough to stop.
My feet weren't made for running
Like my heart wasn't made for loving,
And I only know how to dance in place anyway.
Still, I cling to my own skin and my fire,
My apathy, zeal, destruction,
My chaos and contradiction,
And all the ****** up things that make us human.
I'd take as much as I give, but no one's offering, so I'll
take-take-take
Until there's no one left to use.
My sweet smile will cover the abuse,
And you'll still give me your heart, or your bed.
I'm not convinced anyone knows the difference anymore.
But I'm holding out for the day I wake up to the sun,
Throw open my windows and breathe.
The day I transcend the dirt to feel alive
With wild abandon and a wicked passion for
more-more-more.
Breathe in the sky and inject stars into my veins,
Never stopping and never satisfied
Because this is what it's like to be alive.
I'm not settling and I wont settle down,
We're all dying everyday,
But my clock is still ticking away.
My bones will become dust, yet,
And someone will cry over my shattered life.
But we're all just waste w.a.s.t.i.n.g. away,
And if you're lucky,
Someone will smile when it's over and
promise-promise-promise
It was your life that made them live.
And in the end, I couldn't ask for more.

I get this feeling about you --
One that stretches beyond explination.
Almost like the feeling of home,
but different.
Like being around you would make things okay
that aren't okay.

You make me feel safe...
Like the breeze on a summer day,
Comfortable and warm.
I want to lounge around with you
                                                             ­     forever.

I've been knocking on all the wrong doors,
So God flung open a window and told me to breathe.
"Be still," He whispered,
"You've forgotten all the things I ever taught you."
I fell onto the floor and didn't move;
I wore my shame like clothes that didn't fit right.
"It's just that, these lights have grown dimmer, Lord.
When I was no longer able to see, I died to feel instead."
My excuse was flimsy, but I clutched it to my chest;
It was all I had to replace my faltering heartbeat.
"You can't feel anything when you're dead,
And you're always learning everything the hard way."
I closed my eyes and let His words surround me;
They seeped into my skin, strengthening my sinew.
A spark caught in my soul, reigniting a fire I'd forgotten.
I opened up my eyes to see the walls were made of glass.
The world outside was beautiful,
But God told me not to move,
"A storm's coming, child. I'll let you watch,
but I wont let it touch you. And when it passes,
I'll open up the door."
He tested me with storms, but tempted me with freedom.
I put my trust in Him.
So when thunder rattled the walls and threatened my being,
I sat in silence and watched the storm roll in.
With every streak of lightning and every drop of rain,
I came back to life.

All my fondest memories are dreams.
Days I've painted over and re-written.
Like that time we spent all night talking and,
I had to sneak in before my parents woke up.
Or that time he took me to the city and,
We held hands as we walked the golden gate.
Or that time we went up on the parkway and,
He kept me warm as we looked at the stars.
Such pretty scraps of paper for my keep-sake box.

Today is foggy with sleep and underuse.
I'm an old toy that got lost and then everyone forgot about.
I can breathe in fresh air until my lungs ache,
But that wont clense me of my need for numbing pollutants;
I can soak up sunshine until my skin is black,
But that wont rid me of my unquenchable thirst for rain.
Yesterday's smile isn't getting me through today;
I slept too long last night.

Tomorrow, tomorrow
is just another day I'll spend asleep,
Waiting, always waiting
for my ship to come in,
So I can go sailing.
But that doesn't really add up.
And I know ships don't even have sails.

Tomorrow,
Kasey will pick me up around noon.
And he will save my life,
                                                 for a day.

I run in circles making sense of us.
But I still don't get it, and it's only making me hate you.
It's not your fault that I still think about you every night,
or that the smell in the air makes me want to point out constellations
with you.
And spend all day in your bed watching bad tv.

But really, the rain is to blame.
Because every time it falls I think of the day you walked away and how,
I couldn't cry until it stopped.
Like I was waiting my turn.
And by the way, I actually quite liked seeing you in my dreams.
At least then I was seeing you.

And honestly, I'm really sorry
that when you believed in me the most,
I just didn't know what to say.
So I lied until we stopped talking,
Like a get out of jail free card, except now,
You probably hate me.

While I'm here confessing, you should know,
You never meant a **** thing.
Not even a little.
And you never will.
I-was-using-you and you-were-a-mistake.

I heard somewhere "the truth will set you free,"
At least, that's what you taught me.
But I never believed in you because,
You always hated me.
And I hate the way you talk about me when you think I'm not around.
Yea, you're not fooling anyone.

Still, I love the way you say you love me,
Like I'm the best thing since getting high.
Because I could float around on your words all day.
But sometimes I think, we're getting closer to a problem,
Than we are to the solution.
And that chills me all the way into my marrow.

Also, baby, you should know, I love your arms around me and,
the way you make me feel like I'm the sun.
But I hate the way you lie,
and need, and sometimes disappear.
And I could never ever love you quite enough.
So please don't try and make me.

By the way, I think you're wonderful.
But sometimes I get scared that you don't love me anymore.
Because you're tired and I've been hanging on for far too long,
You can't drown with me anymore.
I guess, it's time to swim.
Or at the very least, tred water.

Have I mentioned yet that you're my hero?
I really wish I could be more like you.
But the thing is, I always thought I was.
And hearing what you really thought about me
broke my heart.
Maybe someday, I'll learn how to try harder.
Or care.

Before I go I need to clarify, I hate you just as much as
I love you.
But the love is the only part that will go on forever.
And I know,
The feeling is mutual.

Sometimes,
I stare at your picture,
Wishing I had something better to do.
While you're out with
other girls.
But I was supposed to be the one
dating boys,
that you were supposed to hate.
I can't.
Because they would all fall in love.
And I don't need any more trophies that beat.

Waiting for you,
Is like waiting for morning --
By the time it comes,
I'm fast asleep.

I spend all this time,
With my head lost in the clouds,
Thanks to you; and yet,
I'll keep your feet on the ground.
It is beautiful up here.

My emotion hides.
Your eyes, your smile, your laugh...
Suffocate me in,
Every single thing you are;
I will love you from afar.

Love is a role;
Life is a game.

Or is it the other way around?

All I know is that when I'm with you,
I can't get into character and,
I forget all my lines.
And suddenly,
I forfeit.

But I still win awards.
You're a shiny little statue with my name on it.

And you make me *shine.

Good break-up movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Bad break-up movie: Garden State
I cried for a good hour after
And
You would never know it now
But I don't cry

I thought I was broken before
When I didn't cry, beacuse I didn't feel
When I bounced back
I moved on
Like nothing of consequence ever happened at all

But then you fixed me
Just to destroy me
You set my heart to beating
Just so I would feel it when you ripped it out
You restored my breath
Just to leave me gasping
You brought me to life
Just to make my life unbearable when you left

I was better off without you
And sometimes I catch myself wishing I'd never met you at all

I like to pretend
That you still listen
To each word I choose
With careful precision,

Harboring them in your heart,
For a less complicated tomorrow.

You loved me l.i.g.h.t.l.y.
I only felt it
In my bones.
You were a sickness,
And I --
Was the infected.
You
Took me over,
And I --
Ached with your weight.
You loved me lightly...
But,
You used me like a **grave.

My hands are tied behind my back, and
I've swallowed more keys than I can count.
The devil himself couldn't pick these locks and,
God's still on a sabbatical.
I slept for a thousand years but,
Still woke up just in time to see you leaving.
You kissed me awake with no intention of saving me,
Even though you knew my fears were dragons holding me back.
They don't breathe fire; they just burn me up.
I tried to scream, but opened my mouth to
realize my vocal chords were out of tune.
The sound came out as scratches and
I choked on the flecks of rust.
You walked away while whispering, "You never moved me,"
But the sound waves couldn't reach my ears in time;
I dove from the lone window in my tower,
And as I fell, I prayed that I could fly.

You should know, everyday it's harder to breathe
And I'd give up forever to see your face
Because somewhere I came to the conclusion
Without you it's not worth being awake
Maybe I'm still too young to understand it
Or maybe I just need to have a bit more faith
But if you and I are so **** perfect together
Then ask your God why He's taking you away
I know, it's wrong for me to act like you're not hurting
I guess it just feels as though I've been betrayed
Because to me, genuine love is worth fighting for
But you seem so willing to just throw it all away
So this must be the part where I grow bitter
In all fairness you did ask from me hate
But you should know, that's not what keeps me up at night
I can't sleep because you're so far away
And did I mention when I said "I need you"
I meant it with my heart and mind and strength
And when I said that I would always love you
I meant no matter what might come our way
So you should know, although we're not together
There is no life without you in my day
California may get you for some time
But tell that God of yours that I can wait