five months and five days,
that’s how long it took to fall apart.
for the movie plot plan to begin,
and then come to a final curtain call.
for all the streetlights to turn green,
and then change back to red.
for the leaves to fall away,
and then grow back new.

five months and five days should feel like growing,
but since you’re gone it feels like shrinking.

i wish i knew what i did wrong,
i wish i knew what to apologize for,
i wish i could live in those five months and five days forever.


five months and five days;
that’s the time it took for you to fall out of love.
that’s the time it took for me to become alone again.

i want to cry so bad.
as proof that i’m still here,
or evidence of any ability to feel left in my soul.
but i can’t.
trust me i try my hardest,
i put on our song,
and watch our show,
and read the last letter you ever sent.
but nothing works.

it’s funny because when i was a kid,
everyone called me a crybaby.
at every inconvenience,
you could find me in tears.
i miss that me,
the one that cried,
the one that felt.

i’m afraid of you not thinking of me anymore.

i showered today and realized
i was washing the last of you away.
the last kisses left on my face,
the last time you would hold me in your arms,
followed my shampoo down the drain.
i tried to wash away the hopes of you coming back
and deciding that you want me
i tried to wash away the last words you said,
that have been repeating since they came out of your mouth.
but i’m still stuck with this fantasy in my head
that you care
and you’ll come back
or i’ll be able to fix it.

if only i could wash away the thought of you forever.

i have a job interview next week
at the ice cream shop we passed downtown
after our first double date from boys with our school

who would’ve thought we hate eachother now
who would’ve though that the reason i hated the date wasn’t because it was that boy
but because it was A boy





**** the mormon church for making you hate me

i saw someone who looked like me today,
as i scrolled on my phone.
i didn’t realize what i was realizing,
but found comfort in the familiarity of how they looked.

until i clicked the “view comments” button,
how everyone else wasn’t okay,
with how they looked,
how i look.

and i didn’t even hate myself,
until i saw hate comments,
meant for another soul to hear.