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moonlit Dec 2013
i miss you more than you think.
(deleted)

i haven't smiled in a while, but when i think about you i do.
(deleted)

you left your sweater here. i wear it to bed sometimes. do you want it back? [it still smells like you.]
(deleted)

i still remember how your favorite color was the sky right before sunset.
(deleted)

you said you loved me, what happened?
(deleted)

i'm still so sorry. i didn't mean to push you away.
(deleted)

please just hear me out. let me explain.
(deleted)

i left my beanie at your house. i know it was your favorite. can i come get it?
(deleted)

i wish you knew how i still felt about you.
(deleted)

i hope you haven't moved on, because i sure haven't.
(deleted)

i listened to real friends today, i remember when you made me listen to them. all i could think of was you.
(deleted)

do i still mean anything to you?
(deleted)

god i wish you knew how often i think about your eyes. i still think they resemble forest trees.
(deleted)

it's been two months. i'm still torn up.
(deleted)

i have spent so many night cuddling up to my pillow wishing it was you.
(deleted)

i can't think straight because i keep thinking about what you're doing right now.
(deleted)

do you still think about me?
(deleted)

i didn't know my heart could shatter over and over until i met you.
(deleted)
we could've been in love. i'm so sorry.
(deleted)

is this still affecting you as much as it is me?
(deleted)
moonlit Dec 2013
are you doing well? i hope you are.
(deleted)

christmas is coming up. all i really wanted was to spend it with you.
(deleted)

it's becoming increasingly difficult to rest without your soft breaths to lull me to sleep.
(deleted)

every single poem i've written in the last two months has been about you.
(deleted)

i hear your laugh in mine, sometimes.
(deleted)

your voice is the only thing that occupies my mind now. you've taken me over completely.
(deleted)

i'm not sure if you broke my heart or if i broke my own heart by letting you in.
(deleted)

do you write about me like you used to?
(deleted)

remember when we watched the great gatsby together? i still look at you like gatsby looked at daisy.
(deleted)

you mean everything to me. you always have.
(deleted)

i hate that i can't stop loving you. why was it so easy for you to stop loving me?
(deleted)

you are my augustus waters.
(deleted)

in the famous words of kate moss: "you're in my veins, you ****."
(deleted)

i am always wanting to start a conversation with you, but never knowing how to start it.
(deleted)

i think i love you more than i did before. i'm sorry it took us to separate for me to realize that.
(deleted)

i am in tears while writing this. it seems that whenever i think about you my eyes betray me.
(deleted)

i am still trying to figure out where we went wrong.
(deleted)

i had expected to feel bitter after you left. all i feel is nostalgic.
(deleted)

despite everything, i honestly hope you are happy.
(deleted)

i think i'll always get butterflies when i think about our first kiss. i'll always get butterflies
when i think about you, and what we used to have.
(deleted)
moonlit Dec 2013
the sky is a pale blue
with streaks of bubblegum pink, cotton candy swirls
(8:20pm)

the sky is a painted a light pink,
the color of rosy cheeks
on a cool winter morning
(8:35pm)

the sky is a light grey,
raindrops furiously pelting down
on the empty streets
(3:48pm)

(all of which remind me of you;
but what doesn't nowadays?)

cotton candy swirls of your personality, all coming together to form the loveliest shade of you;

a soft rosy pink, like the roses you gave me that day you saw me fall apart – soft like your touch, when you held me tight,
swallowing me in your embrace;

light grey, like the color of your eyes right before you cry, teardrops pouring down your soft, freckled face, forming pools of water into the dimples of your cheeks

everything
reminds
me
of you —
but I think I like it that way; and I hope sometimes you get reminded of me too.
moonlit Dec 2013
as the minutes passed on, I felt my sanity slowly depleting.
all of a sudden I felt numb almost.
like I didn't exist.
I felt unreal.
it was quite a strange feeling.
there was a point where I felt completely distant from everything.
that was one of the darkest times of my life.
I had never felt so disconnected from everything around me.
I'd never been so empty.
I remember at some point realizing I had lost my sanity altogether.
I knew that I was no longer normal.
my mind was no longer functioning properly.
and I believe I'd realized this when I found my skin itching to be
torn open once more.
soon after that,
I found myself trudging to the scale I had in my bathroom.
every morning and every night.
it became a daily routine.
in the morning, I'd mentally record my weight.
in the afternoon, I'd restrict my food intake.
and finally in the evening, I'd make my way back to the scale and
scold myself for not being the weight I wanted.
even as a child I remember not being happy with myself.
I remember looking down at my stomach in my Cinderella costume
and thinking I was fat.
at the time, I was six years old.
I don't know if I ever really was "sane."
but I do know that I wasn't always so mentally ******.
and everyday I regret letting the cold darkness invade my soul.
moonlit Dec 2013
and as the deafening silence fills the room,
the daunting voices fill my head.
they chant,
they demand,
they scream for me to hurt myself.
they tell me i am all alone.
they tell me i am not worth it.
they tell me i should end my life.
the saddest part is there is no way to turn these chilling words off;
i can only drown them out
but that only lasts for so long.
and when they come back,
they are even louder than before.
this time they don't stop until they get what they want.
but even when i do give in and hurt myself
they are still there -
just softer.
that is, until they get bored and decide to haunt me once more.
and oh, how i wish these voices had an off switch.
but unfortunately
they do not.
and i suppose that is the tragedy of mental illness.
moonlit Nov 2013
his voice coursed through my mind
over and over,
keeping me awake,
like warm coffee pumping through my veins
on a chilly winter morning,
sending shivers down my spine.
moonlit Dec 2013
the look in her eyes
gave her away
every time.
no matter how many times
she insisted she was fine
all you had to do
was look her
dead in the eye,
then
and only then
could you tell that she,
in fact,
was never really fine.
moonlit Dec 2013
Stars are invading my vision and everything is blank. All I see is blinding darkness for the next few hours. When I finally wake, I see myself hanging from my rope attached to my ceiling. I gasp in horror. My throat closes up and my eyes betray me when they allow warm tears to form puddles on my sunken-in cheeks as I watch myself sway in horror. I quickly compose myself and the silence I hear is piercing. I wait. I wait. I wait. In the next two hours, I hear someone enter my house. I freeze. I hear keys jingling and the removal of coats. Next I hear voices. Two separate voices. Two familiar voices. My muscles ease up when I realize the foreign people are simply my parents. I hear stairs creaking. (I always hated those stairs. they reverberated booming creaks while I was trying to quickly maneuver my way up them after a deceitful night of sneaking out to see someone who was my very first heartbreak - but that's a different story.) I hear laughter. I hear happiness. I hear desperate calls for my name. I hear silence. I hear frantic knocking on my door. "Open this door right now young lady! We do not have time for your disobedience at the moment!" The door swings open. Sobs. Screams. My mother falls to the floor. I hear my mother calling out for my father, begging him to somehow comfort her.
My father files in. His mouth opens. Tears escape his eyes. He doesn't bother wiping them. Through his cloudy vision, he spots my note of finals words. He reads the first few sentences. "It was my time to go, I felt it in my bones. This was for the best, for I was only making a mess. I was making a mess of my life. I ruined myself. I had to leave. I am very sorry." He only gets that far until he drops the note and frantically dials 911. "Operator! Operator! I just found my daughter, she, she hung herself!"
"Please be patient sir, we'll have someone there right away." And with that he hangs up. He looks at my fragile mother. Then to me. He eyes me up and down before shouting to no one in particular, "Why?" He loses it and breaks down even more. My mother is still sobbing. Her shoulders are shaking. I ache for her. When I was alive I had not known I could have such an effect on people. I'd always considered myself dead, on the inside that is. Now I really was dead. And there's no going back. As much as I wish I could take it back, I cannot. And for that I apologize. I snap out of my thoughts and bring my vision back to my parents. The ambulance is here. They cover me in a white sheet and take me away. My mother tries to go into the ambulance but the paramedics stop her. They drive off. My mother falls onto the street. My father beside her. They are both apologizing. They are apologizing to me. Saying how they should've been there for me. Saying they should have noticed something and helped me. They are apologizing to each other. A day later, my best friend finds out. She sprints into her room and slams her door. Carefully, she selects a razor from her wooden cabinet in the bathroom and drags it across her wrist. "I'm sorry, I should've known. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she whispers. And with that, she's gone. I have caused all of this. I caused turmoil and pain, I am the reason for my best friend to take her life. I had not known people actually cared about me. I soon realize the severity of my poor judgement. And at that very moment, what was left of my ghostly my soul withered away. I decayed into stardust and floated into space. I am gone.
moonlit Nov 2013
after everything is said and done,
i can only hope that someone out there in this world can find the hidden galaxies in my bones,
i hope someone finds the stars in my eyes and the moon in my mind —
for the rest of me is wrecked.
my smile no longer reflects the sun's radiant rays,
my smile is transparent now; anyone could see right through it.
my smile is dark, much like the sky without the illuminating stars gleaming down on us.
my heart no longer contains the milky way, you barged right into my most important ***** and stole everything stellar about me.
after the damage you've caused me, my heart is dark too, like your attic was the night you brought me up there to stargaze.
at the time, i didn't know i would be gazing at the constellations you stole from me.
you always did say you admired me like i put the stars in the sky.
(i didn't know that you literally meant it.)
moonlit Apr 2014
i will not fabricate the world and i will not lie about the people in it either. i will warn her about the boy across the street with hands like fire and kisses that will melt you into a parallel universe. i will inform her about the very first day her demons say hello to her and i will teach her how to fight them. if she should ever feel broken i will promise her that she is not irreparable and duct tape goes a very long way. i will tell her to look before she falls because inside every boy is a black hole and sometimes they let you fall into it. i will remind her everyday of how beautiful she is because i was never told that growing up and well, look where that got me. if i should have a daughter i will raise her the right way - i will tell her everything my parents never told me because there is nothing worse than waking up one day and realizing you have been lied to your whole life.
moonlit Nov 2013
i'm not really sure if i'm alive
i mean,
my heart is pumping,
my blood is circulating,
i am breathing,
but i am not living.
i am stuck in the labyrinth that is my mind
i am trapped in this city
i cannot go anywhere
i have no freedom
and i am not living the life that i want.
i am breathing
but i am not living.
i am merely existing.
but every time i see a shooting star,
i always wish to feel alive.
moonlit Nov 2013
and when you said that, man,
that hurt.
it felt like you took the sharpest knife in your drawer and pierced it right through
my already torn up heart.
it felt like you took my heart right in your hands
and tore it to bits.
sometimes i believe
that your intentions were to hurt me
but then my subconscious speaks up and says,
"he didn't hurt you. well he didn't mean to. the only one who intentionally hurts you is yourself."
and i think that's maybe why i blame myself for everything.
moonlit Nov 2013
as much as i appreciate it,
please do not tell me my sadness is poetic as an attempt to make me feel better.
there is nothing poetic about hating yourself,
nothing at all poetic about making yourself throw up and then running to a scale to see if you've made any progress.
there is nothing poetic about being so unhappy that you take a blade to your wrist, drawing blood just to prove to yourself that you are alive.
so please,
next time save your attempt to make me feel better.
because all you're doing is making me even sadder.
moonlit Dec 2013
darling i must ask you to be patient,
for i will not always be what you expect of me.
sometimes i'll be a bit insecure and i will begin to doubt myself.
sometimes i'll be self centered and complain about irrelevant things.
sometimes i'll be dejected and i will grieve over every soul that has walked away from me.
sometimes i'll be spiteful and i won't talk to you for days.
but you must bear with me.
because someday all of these flaws will be smoothed out and i will be exactly what you expect me to be.
and maybe the day when my flaws are hardly visible then i will be happy.
(and i'd like for you to be there to see this happen.)
moonlit Nov 2013
as usual,
your name will flood my thoughts,
until all that is left of my once sane mind
are little pools of you -
puddles of your existence.
raindrops on the fogged up window that is the cloudy reality of my brain.
moonlit Dec 2013
have you ever felt trapped? caged? stuck? like everyone around you is moving and you're frozen and can't move? maybe it's the depression. maybe it's fear. i don't know what it is - all that i know is this feeling is completely paralyzing. sometimes it feels like i'll never leave this town. i'm so afraid of going nowhere yet i'm terrified of going out and living my life. i wish i could just crawl out of my skin. maybe that's why i tear it open almost every night. i wish i could escape myself. being stuck in this body is worse than being stuck in this town. it feels like my feet are glued to this very spot and no matter how much i try to undo it, it's continuing to stick. people always told me i'd go far in life but i'm not quite sure if i believe that. for i am immobilized by the paralyzing fear of being unsuccessful. maybe it's just the anxiety. maybe i'm insane.
moonlit Nov 2013
i'm
hearing
his
voice
inside
my
head
and
i
fear
that
i
am
already
dead.
moonlit Nov 2013
i
inhale
the
smoke,
hoping
it
will
do
some
type
of
damage
to
me,
so
i
don't
have
to
do
it
myself.
moonlit Jan 2014
after this is all said and done,
i can only hope that someone out there can find the hidden galaxies in my bones,
i hope someone finds the stars in my eyes and the moon in my mind;  the rest of me is wrecked.
my smile no longer reflects the suns radiant rays, my smile is now dark - so to speak. (much like the sky without the stars gleaming down on us.)
i no longer possess the milky way in my heart, you barged into my heart and stole everything stellar about me.
due to the damage you have caused me, my heart is dark too, like the attic was that night you brought me up there to stargaze.
i didn't know you stole the stars from my heart and put them in the sky.
i hope you like the stars you stole from me.
moonlit Nov 2013
and as we sat in perfect silence,
it gave me a chance to think.
and so i did.
i thought and i thought and i thought.
i thought about what you would say if you knew all my secrets.
i thought about how your opinion would change on me if i lifted my sleeve.
i thought about what you'd think of me if you could read me thoughts,
and i think at that moment you did.
because you looked over at me and you flashed your dimpled smile and you took my hand and you told me everything will be alright.
(i wish you still did that.)
moonlit Dec 2013
Dear Bull,
It's not even been 24 hours since you've passed and I already miss you. I know you were eight years old but I still believe you were taken from us too soon. I've been crying all day and I don't know how I'm going to cope without my best friend by my side. I truly hope you are in a better place and although I wish you hadn't gone so soon, I am glad to know that you are no longer in pain. I regret not getting to say goodbye to you but I didn't want to see you in so much pain. It tore me apart. I didn't know I could love something so much. It feels like a part of me has withered away. I know you loved running around the yard so I'm happy that you got to take one last stroll around your territory. We buried you in the backyard and we wrapped you in towels and blankets and we even put a pillow under your head so you'd be comfortable. So you could rest like you used to. I knew something was up when you didn't immediately go after your food, you loved food. And then you started throwing up. We thought it was just a stomach virus. But then it happened the next day, and the next day. We were going to take you to the vet on Monday but you didn't make it to Monday. I'm so proud that you still had the strength to get up and try to greet us like you did. I'm proud that you went knowing you were loved. And I'm so blessed to have had you in my life as long as I did. I will always always always love you and I will always miss you. I'm choking up while writing this. Sassy is whining for you and we all miss you dearly. I hope you're running around in Doggy Heaven, wagging your tail and getting a hold of every Milkbone snack you can find. You were the greatest dog ever. Know that I'll never forget you. Rest In Peace Bull, I hope to see you soon.
Love,
your favorite human,
Brandi.
moonlit Dec 2013
my lips are aching for your lips
i wish to intertwine ours in the most romantic way
leaving both of us equally breathless.
i wish to show you in every way possible
just how crazy i am
for you.
moonlit Jan 2014
i stared at the blank television screen,
and in some weird way i related to it.
the black, void picture is my happiness.
my happiness is empty, gone, void.
the only difference is
with a simple motion of my finger
i can roar the screen back to life.
and i've tried everything to rekindle my happiness -
it hasn't worked out.
moonlit Nov 2013
sometimes i sense an evil presence around me,
and i am not sure if those are just
the evil, demanding voices that occupy my mind
or if it is your ghostly presence,
you still haunt me even though you've been gone for seven months
your presence is evil,
in the nighttime it whispers mean things to me
things like,
"i never loved you."
"you never meant anything to me."
"you never mattered."
i can't decipher if those voices belong to you
or if they are the same old voices that have been present in my head

but i think it's the same voice anyways.
moonlit Nov 2013
we all possess bruises and scars
but I think what matters the most is how they're created
whether you take a blade and create them yourself
or if you think about poisonous memories that create wounds for you,
or if someone left a few marks on you,
what matters is if you treat your wounds with medicine,
or if you keep going back to the person who created them in the first place;
hoping that maybe they'll bandage the scars they gave you and you can start over again.
moonlit Jan 2014
i try to write poetry on a wide variety of topics but somehow every **** poem i write seems to come back to the topic of you. i cannot write about silence without relating it to the everlasting silence that has fallen between us. i cannot write about love without thinking about those feelings we once had for each other and those few short months we shared. i cannot write about the stars or the sand on the beach or even the moon without thinking of those times we spent at the beach, laying on the sand at midnight counting the stars. i cannot even write about ******* sadness without it somehow reminding me of what i constantly feel when i am apart from you. i can't write about anything except for you. you. you. you. that is all my vocabulary contains. you. you. you. you're all i think about. **** you.

— The End —