Summed up by the light of the moon
we threw out the conclusion for love.

-Our last days still flickering
on and off before my eyes-

Who do you pray to?
on my knees
palms forced together
leaning against the wall
my head touching
raw cold paint.
I speak out loud
whispering voices inside
my head & my heart
continuing to speak
courage is summoned
chattering out words
sentences slowly forming.
I am asking questions impossible
praying to a god
that I don't even know I
believe in
yet so many nights
down on my knees
finding myself mid prayer.
I realise my hypocrisy
as I only ever grace a god
when struggles tear me apart
knock me down
or jubilations, thanking above
secrets from this soul.
I spend over thirty minutes
on these knees, bruised, worn
from day after day of prayer
gravel floors & concrete walls
creatures crawling everywhere.
I beg for forgiveness for those
sins I assumed committed
tears in my eyes
welling & glassy
forgive me lord I have sinned.
I promise to do better, be better
wiping the tears my fingers
covered in black
mascara smears across
the sinner or the saints face.
I'm still on my knees
resembling those at
the wailing wall
my nose & right cheek
pressed to the side
not only praying but
wishing, hoping, a sight
close to begging.
I wonder where I lost
my pride
if anyone were to see me
my life would surely end
a single drop is all I need
for the simplistic to keep
me safe from my own heart
its sorrows, loves & all who
penetrate my attempted
rhino thick skin.
I even talk to god about
love
there is no company in
this girls story
she talks aloud of love
of passion, words I would
never dare share with another.
I am caught between four walls
this room has heard
so much in the decades gone
confessions
blood smeared walls
the names of past lovers
spelled out
my heartbreak, take away
that tourniquet that allows
the cleansing of my soul
cathartic bleeding, wash away
the monsters below the skin
ivory skin, silver scars marked
a sketched out story
on me, and on the walls
of this cage.

© Sia Jane

I haven't written
My inspiration squandered
Without her, my only muse
Words escape me
As my mind will only
Be occupied by her presence
And a war in my mind dominates
The place she once held
So beautifully, so gracefully
For all those months
And now she seems lost
Or more, I am forgotten
Light to dark, I am left
Saying goodbye has never seemed
So high and dry
I'm trying hard not to assume
And yet again, this war in
My mind occupies
Me even in the days of
Endless distraction
I'm ******* crazy
The city buzzes, crowds shuffle
Past me, in a dazed state
I look up, hearing her voice
I escape, I wander, I ride
Territory so familiar
I don't want to lose her
My muse, my love, my
Life source that keeps my heart
Beating, making me crazy
I love her
Three words of such
Worth
I feel abandoned carrying only
My heart, raw and exposed
Until it eventually fades
Knocking me out and
Forcing me
To start
Anew
But even concuss and
Bleeding, she's all
I desire.
Love please let me go
Unless she too
Wants me.

© Sia Jane

"A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover."

Charles Bukowski