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I still dream of us
making love
in the dead
of night

I still dream of you
and your hands on me
as if the love
never seemed to
want to fade
away from
my life

I still imagine
your taste
in my
mouth

I still remember
the lust of
the lonely nights
the lust of
*** and love
if i could paint a picture
of how much i regret the way things ended
it would be a sad assemblage
of pastel blues and greys and blacks
stained with flecks of golden yellow
not unlike the thunderheads currently taking up residence in my head.

If i could write you a letter
it would be yet another failed attempt
at describing how much my very soul aches
for something as simple as your presence.

if i could hold your hand
the nearby flowers would bloom
and the sun would glow green with envy.

if i could kiss your lips
i would certainly lose my mind
and not want to be found ever again.

if i could call out your name
i would hope that the winds would show me pity
and carry my voice to your ears.

if i were to sing a song
it would be a beautiful ballad
every measure dedicated to another flawless part of you.

if i could build a bridge
that spanned across time
it would lead me back to that wednesday in august
in your arms
slipping into slumber to the rhythm
of the raindrops tapping upon the windowpane.

if i could tell a story
it would be of the way the sun chases the moon across the sky;
to urge everyone everywhere to cherish those close to them.

if i could make myself stronger
i would squeeze the earth until
the number of miles between you and i
dwindled down to zero.

if i could look into a mirror
i would be puzzled by what i would see
and find it hard to recognize
the face staring back at me.

if i could give you my heart
i would in an instant.
in the time it takes for my heart to beat its last iambic
i would rip open true ribs one through five
and offer my crimson ***** to you.

if i could have met you any other way
under different circumstances
in a different time
under a different sun
maybe this would have ended differently
or not ended at all.
Mental health is not a choice
It becomes a defect
It's visible
Yet everyone remains
Convinced of this new fashion statement
Was my elect
And unstableness
Is my preference
Except here I am
Screaming on the inside
For normal functions
And a stable mindset

I am at constant endurance
For the hurricanes roaring in my head
Crashing into my thoughts
Telling me what is rotting  
Destroying my homes,
Drowning my sanity
Even as I rebuild
I find myself
Falling into the gust of
Cycles that ruin me
Leaving me in defeat
In my decomposing, suffocated brain

Handling paranoia speaking into your ear
Constant talking
You never see
But only feel
Above your shoulder

Then the depression of suicide
Filled with emptiness and questioning
With nothing being real
And you left being numb

Only what follows that
Is the high of a life
Putting you ontop of it
Dangling your feet
But threats of dropping
Start pumping in your blood

Shaking,
Scared of it all
And uncontrollable worries
Make your sorry
You even went high
Gloom in the chase,
Death makes you quiet
Shelter and safe
You escape

Until you are bored and furious
Lashing out with whips
Against your loves
Screaming mindlessly
Wrecking your things
And hurting endlessly

Understand how
Your constant neglect
For the ill minded
And ignorance for the defected
Telling us to **** it up
And how it's our select
Is slowly slaughtering our self worth
In reality
You are the murderer  
Telling us
We are the romantically damaged
Except you omit
the hideous pumping chemicals
They feed us
To satisfy
Your false perception
Of who is sane
And who is to blame
Making us even more crazed

Day in my life
You wouldn't last a second
Try to understand
This cycle never ceases
But will only increase
With your toxins
And my decay

There is no cure
And I am left
Being adhered to this madness
And curving my life
With complicated composure
Of trying to survive
Vicious thoughts
And even more
Blood thirsty people
Just a view on my cycle and my anger for people who don't understand how it works. Hope you read all of it
You drank to escape and to ease
Instead your desires clouded your soul
The whimper shouts from the inside to stay still
To sleep alone another night
To stay good and do what's right
Is ignored as your demon is above my shoulder
And your whisper is in my ear
As you wait til silence marks my lips
That is when you make your slay and cause me to slip
Surrounded by darkness, defenselessness
You suffocate my pleads of no
As you trick yourself into illusions of my conscious consent
And you shame me down,
My mind absent as you expose my lifeless, bare body
And my blank stare
Did you see my eyes?
They were speaking to you,
Asking why,
If you saw that girl that used to hang around and laugh
Or did you see a piece of meat, incomprehensible of what you were capable of doing
So vulnerable, she'll never tell
Oh sly you, thinking it was okay
To let everyone see, leaving invitations for the unwanted
And me to break upon their touches
My flesh bruised with fingertips
My mind ****** with their urges
Blacked out from shame and guilt
Only Its my fault, I deserved this filth?
You took away the last of my innocence
Left me unwanted and broken,
Not knowing love but only to be used
I didn't chose this, you abused and created this

Left behind once thought friends
They turn into monsters I fear
We all so broken,
From the fairy tales of love we mourn
So we seek love in the bottom of the bottle
To feed the power of denial
As we justify our actions fueled by the beast
To hurt and destroy others
so we can share the pain and ruin of loneliness together
An illusion of unity as we slowly slaughter one another
To black out the last of our guilt
Only we turn into the thoughts of our filth
I had the job interview today just a day after having a stomach flu
I know you are wondering, the big question how did I do?
I first need to thank all of you for your advice, encouragement and some prayers from some of you
Well my nerves were a bit frazzled, during the first and second interview
I also had a good word from someone, who works for my current employer
In the end it seems I must of dazzled them
I got the job for the season maybe longer
I will have lots of holiday shoppers to help
If you come down my aisle I will greet you and smile
 Dec 2013 Moon Humor
Rachel Ueda
Sex
 Dec 2013 Moon Humor
Rachel Ueda
***
isn't a guilty pleasure
its just pleasure
so ignite my
animal instinct
and let it
burn
 Dec 2013 Moon Humor
Rachel Ueda
Muunndannee

sunddayyyyyy

huhhh

get
out

of

the

warmmm
bed

clothed

in
white

6 am

everyone
still

sleeps

not a single



sound

in                    my

perpetually

c r eeeeak ing

house
...
stare off
                           into
space
....
lose myself
in

my!

mind


remember!
im
alive

panic!

panic attack

theres nothing

nothhhing..

1
2....
....3
4....

pills

still
still need

more

more..to fill

the nothing

that will always

be

my mundane

sunday
 Dec 2013 Moon Humor
Rachel Ueda
you grew up with a lot of
mommy didn't love me issues
and sooner than later
you ran out of tissues

smothering yourself in hate
you grew too afraid to change
take that leap of faith?

now your problems are
too deep
too old
to fix

its too late

you are a permanent creation
of your past situation
and even though your
bones are older
3rd generation
I grew from your
mistakes
learned
the better path
to take

I hate to say I don't miss you
but its true
I miss the person
I thought was you

but she died
along with my innocence
goodbye childhood blindness
life slapped me with a cold
and abrupt
"*** you grew up"

So with everlasting love
I say a final goodbye
bittersweet maybe
but sitting alongside
our closeted skeletons
is necessary pain

still
you need to
know that
your oblivious arrogance
wasn't in vain
your sacrifice
contributed to the evolution
of our souls
and in retrospect
it was worth the
overpriced toll
It's late, and I still know nothing about women.
  
  They say that men have locked women up,
for all times, in all civilizations, in all lifestyles;
  in one way or another locking away the soft things,
supposedly for their own protection....
   maybe to break some kind of spell,
or, more likely...a fear.

But those men, on whom our gender might be judged,
   never have tasted freedom as I have.
And for the men, who love other men:
   it is probably easier for you.

Not socially, or politically, or overtly,
   but poetically, romantically, truly.

Please don't misinterpret me, I say nothing of morals,
  or religion...only Love.

And it really is hard for a man to Love a Woman,
  someone or something so...dangerous.
Yes, dangerous to men who have to learn to be hard,
  the hard way, dangerous to break down that fantasy.

There is a reason that most men are more hostile
   towards women, than vice versa.
How strange, when you have so much more to lose,
  than some misguided notion of superiority.

But this is what I want, this is what I need,
   this tearing down and burning up.
These hands, this flesh, a vessel for fire and light;
   I need your love, as the sun needs the night.
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