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I gathered these tears within my weathered hands,
striding ahead and above in such a sad state of bitterness,
blood in my shoes and your breath within my lungs,
committing atrocities upon your memory during days full of fire,
while your children hide in my breast with the memory I've buried alive.

You shadow me in the day and cry for me by night,
covering my body with paints and charcoal,
and the skins of monsters slain out of your love;
and every wound I suffer by my own hands
sewn together with your hair.

Last night I went forth to do violence again in your name,
armed with useless weapons and armour made from sand;
In passing I met you in a bunker, my fortress full of relics
and people asked if I found you beautiful....I laughed;
You are my ideal of beauty.

To turn, to change, that's what you want of me,
to turn from my path and face you fully,
leave my sideways glancing behind and accept that we deserve eachother;
but I can't, and that's why you will not suffer me to live in my silence.

I passed you, you spoke softly, commanded me to wait,
and, seeing my sadness, my folly
you tore your shirt, eyes flashing fire and hymns;
You screamed at me:
"I TOO HAVE A HEART"

That stopped me, I turned and strode up to you,
and you were afraid but stood your ground, faced me as I finally faced you.
I put my hand between your ******* and felt your heartbeat through my broken hands,
like the Gold from Telperion your love burned away my shell, my husk
and I was a man again.

Out of the dark a voice laughed, derisive monster I was given,
"Don't enjoy those too much, this isn't a *****".
I left you, in tears, empty, horrified, ashamed, helpless, I left you;
And went again to the work of violence against foes with no faces.
I know this is absolutely no form whatsoever, and isn't anything close to my usual carefully crafted style. basically though, I'm attempting to put into words a recurring dream I've been having, hopefully to get some feedback or at least catharsis.
I remember seeing
my first sunset.
My eyes were filled
with color again,
and they were amazed
at the setting sun
and how it always
managed to rise and set
without fail.
The light danced in front of me.
I saw it.
Trust me, my fingers
looked at it for me.
In the past, with our
child-like mentalities,
our eyes were filled with
thought and wonder.
In the present, this world
slowly coaxed the wonder
and color out of our eyes.

I remember my
first goodbye.
In goodbyes,
our eyes flood
as if a dam broke,
letting all of the
**** water in.
In goodbyes,
our eyes lose vision and
our eyes become empty.

Eyes are windows to expression.
When our body and
face say one thing,
our eyes tell otherwise.
But we are blind
to expression.
We are all blind.
It’s as if the world
scooped out our eyes
and threw it in the ocean.
We can only see water and darkness.

Why is there no spark
in your eyes?
I miss the brightness
with which you lived.
Where is your heart?
Why can’t I see it
through these windows?
Touch my heart.
Pierce my chest.
See my heart beating
with your fingertips.
You blind, blind boy,
your eyes have been
replaced by the ocean.

The blind can see
more than us.
The blind don’t have
what we have,
yet they can see
with their fingers and hearts.
Close your eyes and
you’ll see explosions of color.
You see,
there is no darkness without eyes.
The **** has moved on,
So I should now too.
what you've done is put
my worst fear
into my hands
made it
tangible
shattering hopes i had
and feelings too strong
thought you might be
worth it
put too much effort
time moved too fast
but i did enjoy
that time we had
showed too much skin
for one to know
without reciprocation
now its done
i still don't know
love

this is the end
© Alexandrina
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