my problems are so minuscule and i'm so fortunate
but hey, i'm still complaining
everyone's sad and angry and ******* up for no reason
and finally,
no one gives a **** if you smoke cigarettes,
just don't pretend you're impressing anyone by doing it.
i've been saving cool cig holders on my online wishlists since i was 14
it's never been a new idea.
i'm sorry but i've been sad lately,
-one day maybe i'll get a therapist-
but for tonight i just whispered to myself,
"you have to stop."
because i've always wanted to want nothing
and i need to thicken my skin and stop caring.
it doesn't matter what happens
no one will remember you for as long as you want them to, anyway

I think I could start smoking and start dying
and stop caring and keep crying.

**** my skin,
tear
tear
tear it apart
with my anxious nails and teeth
and razor blades
I am my own brain surgeon
constantly picking
trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

I want you to take me into the woods again
mix my flesh with bark
and I can go home
****** with leaves in my hair
because sometimes there is no point in being good.
What is good, anyway?

But next to my tombstone, sunflowers won't grow,
and what would it matter anyway,
I wouldn't be there to see them

remember to occasionally remember me

not sure about much
not sure about anything, really
not sure of the last time you weren't floating around my head
wish I thought of myself as much as I think of you

****

man, i can spend my entire day
hoping to see you

just decided a problem of mine is wanting to create in every form
I want to draw and paint
and take pictures and videos
and create dances and do ******* pottery and embroider into shirts and build a garden and screen-print designs and and and
I don't have time for it all
and I'm afraid life forces people to choose one
or to narrow it down
and I will strive to create excellent things
without cutting any of it out

am i boring or boringly cliche in the things i find exciting

Red tinted teeth
Stained nicotine
I am so comfortable alone, but only after I've checked each closet for monsters

is there something to be said about this?
letting it out, but only quietly
only in secret
speaking into the void so no one hears me thinking
i think it'd be embarrassing, having everyone see you mutter words, you chose those words, you structured them that way, and you want the world to listen to them, lacking composure?
i think it'd be embarrassing.
But instead i prefer vague public interpretation, you tell me what you think i'm thinking, does this arm movement tell you what i am craving, does this ****** shaking show you that i am not content, does me on stage twirling around for a paying audience make this crystal clear?
I'd never tell you what i was thinking, but here's a little summary, take it how you want and judge me for it.

pinching vertebrae,
trying to climb my spine
pick through the back of my neck and reach into my brain
fix something in there

Stuck in a state of sighing,
but ironically stuck in the same state as always
I hope to see the trees change color outside my room
and I'm not afraid of being away like I'm supposed to.
I don't know where to go here,
I don't know of any trails
But I'll find them

sometimes things flip,
like my stomach
or my nerves
or the tone of your voice

most of my feelings are pointless insecurities that i'd be better off shaking out
BUT REMINDER:
AT LEAST I AM FEELING

I'm sorry you're so clinically sad
and I'm sorry I don't know what you're thinking
I'm sorry I keep apologizing for things that aren't my fault
but I wish I could help you (in some way, any way)
I wish you would let me

wish I'd paint my entire face pink so you'd never see me blush
(or always see me blush)
wish I could tell you what I really want

I just have scenarios in my head where I get to turn to you and be so open and honest
and we're laying in your bed and I feel so present and there and real
and we're both physically tired but mentally racing
and I ask you if you really believe in love...in all of this
and I ask you to explain what you feel with me
and you don't think it's dumb, and I can't imagine what you say.
maybe one day soon the scenario will play out
but daydreams are just daydreams
maybe I'll ask you anyway

I'm not afraid of the future
I'm terrified.

freezing girl wonders
"what is interesting
and is it better than happy"
and i say
"always
but dear,
be boring if you can"

maybe you were only saying those things because it was the middle of the night
and the moon made you delirious
but can i say them back in the middle of the day
when the sun makes me high?

THEY WERE ALL JUST WORDS BEFORE YOU

too afraid to say the words i've planned out in my head
and rolled over my tongue
but too afraid to open my ******* mouth

My first love was so pure
We are all so toxic and broken now
Nothing will ever be so innocent and selfless again
15 and best friends, figuring out how to kiss

you've given me good memories in backseats
(we're getting good at 'being bad')
we could get into actual trouble
and i'd still do it all over again tomorrow

I like how every awkward thing doesn't feel awkward
and I like how you tease me about things that you're only half kidding about.
I like watching you lick your lips and I like wearing your t-shirt
and I like bumping into you as we walk down back roads at 1 am.

i constantly embarrass myself
and even though i don't want to be a fool,
I'm glad you're the one i'm embarrassing myself with

I SHOULD HAVE INVITED YOU IN

Don't worry about me
When I write,
I usually just need sleep

i peeled off my bottom lip
and burned off all my flesh
and stayed underwater until my lungs caved in
because it seemed fascinating

It's so bright out
and I walk down the street dressed in black on black on black

Your words spit truth
but even truth isn't always truth after a couple hours of thinking about it.
I often daydream of all these things I'd like to do
things that would make you like me
keep me
things that would make me like me
but they end as just dreams,
and I am
so
tired
of
that.

Tonight will be me on a skateboard,
spray-painting my village something yellow.
I hope I'll like it as much as the truth thinks I will.

I don't want to cut myself tonight,
I don't want to see blood
I don't want to find a razor and swipe
I don't want to cut myself tonight

I want to take a lighter and burn myself
I want to feel something new and
see something bright
I want to press and click and scream
I want to burn myself tonight
I want you to see it

I'd like for you to be content
to be happy
but you are not the boy I dream about
and I'm afraid that's what
you want me to be.

I could hear my parents talking about me.
I don't like that.
I don't like the way you looked so
disappointed
when I cried, either
or that I cry
or that my stomach bunched into ruffles
when you took my shirt off.

"I don't know why I get so sad sometimes," I whispered.

sometimes at the ends of small things,
it feels like everything is ending
there are no more leaves to fall
and what is coming still
will become a list of things that have ended

I know forever doesn't exist and I'm not mad about it,
without change life would get so boring
and maybe I'd be content, but it doesn't matter
Doesn't matter if I believe you
Doesn't matter if you're telling the truth

Thorns down my throat
so
I spit them at you.

I wish I was drinking.
Sometimes I wish I was drunk all the time
But I hardly drink at all and besides,
I'd never have the company and drinking alone is just sad at my age.
When I'm drunk I usually drunk text you and right now I'm exhausted from loving you so much and not having as many reasons to love myself.
I think I want to cry but I'm not sure why. And when I think I'm making friends the next day they take my seat and push me out of the row and I sat by myself today in a room with more than 100 people in it and no one even eats with me and thank god i like eating alone. I think I'm pitied and I don't know why
I think I must be the problem,
Because I feel like there's something wrong with me
But I don't know what it is.

I give too much of myself away and
I don't think I'll ever learn how to stop.

Anyway, I'm going to walk in the dark by myself to go buy something I can ******* smoke
If you have a drink, I need one

It's alright if you are playing games with me
at the very least I'll appreciate that I was the piece you chose to move around

I am assured that I am not the best influence,
but I have great plans
that will become great failures,
and you will stop being proud of me
long before time calls me old.
With cuffs around my wrists that chain me to my own shadow
I walk down the only road that helps me stop staggering
drunk and blind
holding the hand of the devil
because I sold my soul to rock and roll
and the chances of what could have been.
What might be.
My worst fear is being bored,
and that's it.

You are magic and I am the stuffed bunny ******* pull out of hats, making the audience assume it's alive
I am the girl guys pretend to cut in half, I am the props and the dummies
I am the illusion
But you are magic

sometimes impressed with life
because i get to sit at the end of your couch and tuck my toes under your leg
(it truly is the little things)

perched above water
thinking maybe the stillness in sound will ease my buzzing mind
if only my ears were filled with the deep blue
classic, cliche,
blue like your eyes or your blankets or home bedroom floor.
blue as in summer sky, hopping into the reservoir
i want to be there again
naked, with you on my 18th birthday at the top of that rock
gearing to jump.
i am so full when i am with you

hey how about you treat me
the way you treat yourself
on your darkest nights
after letting your mind slip away from you...
but I guess it's best to control the mess
from splattering me all over the walls.
(spare me the insults, just grab me by the neck)
(I guess I like you best when you're honest)

Lately I've been thinking I'm invincible
and wondering if I'll spoil our romance by trying to make it last forever,
as most women do, they say,
but we both know I've never listened to 'them'.
I have this teacher that's been crying and yanking out dandelions in her yard
because what else is she supposed to do
but she tells me I'm a little more likely to develop a psychological disorder.
I think we're all psychos, really,
all depressed and anxious, at least,
and sometimes my ceiling never stops spinning,
but I think I'll be alright.

How much love can I really hold, though
in the palm of my hands,
as if it is ever so strong to be visible, as if I could watch the blood of it fall down my forearms and pool in the crease at my elbows
I am trying to hold so much in place
you make me want to,
you make me feel like it doesn't drown me, like it can't.
I just can't tell which blood is thicker
yours, covering my skin, filling my pores
or maybe the blood lining my throat, preventing me from kissing you the way you like
the blood of my scabby feet moving along dance floors.

ThrowbackThursday
to music I used to listen to,
songs I used to sing,
the sound of my own pulse as I split open veins

I am so tired of being the open book.
You used to tell me that I could tell you anything
and now I've told you anything + more
through typed words and glances back as I leave,
and sometimes it seems like I have no mystery left.
I am so tired of writing every ******* thing down.

Sometimes I still get nervous when you put your hand on my knee,
and I think that's important.
I hope sometimes you still get butterflies

For a while I thought I could get better.
I thought
the wind would pick me up and let me glide.
I guess I was wrong.
I usually am.
The day got dark, and my mind slipped away from a closed fist,
bits flying while time slowed and the beat of my heart thumped around in my chest.
It usually happens like this.

I'm pathetic and restless
and I like to climb things
I like to scare myself and see if I scare you
I've got fire in my bones and ice in my heart and if there is a hell, i'll be there
I like to ride my bike on warm nights and ride my skateboard on warm days and I don't mind the way I like to imagine myself riding you.
I might be interesting or boring
But mostly I don't know what I am.
Mainly I have no clue.

Everyday, I don't always brush my teeth
I never let me fall asleep
I bite the skin around my fingernails until I ******* bleed.
I only shower when I smell
if I'm worried I never tell
am I even taking care of myself?

I don't even have rhythm so where the **** am I going with my life.