You are so ******* predictable
And I have cracked my skull open too many times slamming my head off of desks trying to figure it out
But I knew it all along
EVERYTHING IS PREDICTABLE
AND TONIGHT I RHINK IM SICK IN THE HEAD
DONT ******* my godddddd
Get me out of here

It is 5 a.m. and I have been awake for days, it feels
It is 5 a.m. and I am almost a year older
but I'm not sure if stripping down to my underwear and ripping out my eyelashes
counts as a celebration.

call me a kaleidoscope
my vision dances when you enter my dreams
i can't focus on anything
but the distance between you and me tonight

Sometimes while looking in the mirror, I think to myself
I'm okay being me
I look alright
I am alright
And this is all I need
(It's not all that I want)
(but this is all that I need)

Your sly tongue wraps around my rotting teeth as you punch each molar out
so I can taste the feeling of abandonment and pain.
"Leave it to me," you said, taping a picture of yourself to the roof of my mouth,
"to give you an excuse to break every promise you swore you'd keep."

**** this ******* site
and ****
me
(**** me)
((**** me))
I'm still so ******* stuck on you (i really don't mind)
Idk what you've been meaning lately, but I've been believing you
I believe you more than i believe the telephone cord that i swallowed when I was thirteen,
merely minutes of conversations because all I ever called to say was
"meet me under the bridge"
and my best friend and I would go light candles and listen to people walk above us and then we'd ride our bikes to the other end of town, just enough time to ride back before it turned pitch black,
we stopped riding bikes when we got our licenses, we stopped going under the bridge when she met a boy and instead lit candles with him

when i was 13 i swallowed the cord and it's wrapped around my throat
when i was 16 i swallowed a rope because i'm pretty sure my friend hanged himself but I never was allowed to ******* KNOW
when i was 17 i swallowed sewage
that day i scratched my arm open and walked home in the middle of a panic attack,
i should have invited you,
you told me you would have gone with me
i appreciate you more than anything else, i think

I feel so light-weight and gleaming
I feel like I know how to love
but I don't exactly know what love is
(I don't think I really care)

I'm glad you're you and I'm glad you're here
and I hope that you like me even when I am honest

tired of writing dumb love poems and going back and forth between
extreme assurance and insecurity
I
will
not
be
around
forever
tell me what you want to do before I'm gone
let's go ******* do it

i know i don't know the right things to say
i'm sorry for trying
you're the one who always somehow spits the right thing out at the right time
i'm the one stuttering and babbling in the corner with my hands on my head
clock ticking on my tongue
counting down time bombs
for when the wrong words will erupt out of me
(an explosion, even though it's a whisper)

Cracking every finger
Every bone
Pinching every free inch of skin
I never sit still
I would be hungry if I wasn't so ******* thirsty for your touch

i've been wanting to write
but i can only picture slime
or stabbing through the wall
or shadows on my ceiling

i like the way you smile after you make me laugh
(maybe it's all in my head, but i've been trying harder lately
to let myself believe you love me)

hooks through my flesh, holding me up
so my feet can't touch the ground
and my stomach is ripped wide open,
guts spilling out.
Before you can look me in the eyes to say a pointless apology
my intestines turn to worms
and they crawl into my mouth
-I swallow them whole-
and it is in that moment you realize
how repulsive I have been all along

I want to melt into your skin and stay there for a night
Bite your collar bone and sink my teeth a little further from our next goodbye.
Say hello to me again soon so I can wrap my palms around your shoulder blades
Move my fingertips to your jaw line and touch my tongue to your throat
Taste the way your words come out

today was good until i ruined it
so let's pack a bowl and take another hit
because i've got so much to do
but all i want to do is you
-
i want the walls to start moving and the furniture
to rearrange
maybe i'll move with them
get up get going get out of this place
(it's all a ******* joke, anyway)

but i don't even mind all the time
because I have always been laughing along

whatever happens,
-i will remember the time we hiked off the path and laid beneath the trees just before a storm
you took my glasses off and the leaves blended together
(we weren't sure we'd find our way back)
-i will remember the time you casually tried to find a sturdy log to kiss me on
pretending the plan wasn't to get me rustled in the dirt anyway.
on the walk to the car, you tripped me into your arms
i giggled, you smiled
and you looked so great with the sun shining through your hair
-i will remember holding back "i love you"s in your bed sheets

whenever i say, "boys ****"
i can't keep a straight face
because I know a boy and I don't think he ***** at all
but sometimes that's sucky-
wish I hated him-
(it'd be easier on my heart, in the end)

anyway, i've never cared about the easier thing

i am ******* rotten
and lethal
and black flows in and out of my heart
and everything i do or say is painfully awkward

please don't walk away

You said that you've been watching me for years.
You said that I keep you steady here, on the ground.
I'm not a girl for you to pursue, you said,
just a girl to look at when things get crazy.
Just a girl who has got your balloon head
tied to her wrist.
We're barely past strangers
and I don't know how your hands have pried open my skull and bones
so you can inspect.
You never asked permission.

You said your resolution for this year is
to stop thinking about me.

I chew my nails off
even after a perfect night and day
because in the early sun of the first of this month,
you pushed my hair from my face and whispered,
"Goodmorning," with a smile
and I will miss you
like I will miss scraping my body against a blade
or sliding against a stage
leaving my heart in the spotlight.
Because just like that blade,
one day you will hurt me, I guess,
but you'll be in my dreams
and I'll wish to have you back to calm my shaking hands.

i thought i'd have more to write about this
but i've got nothing
this whole summer i've been nothing

if anything makes it to autumn,
please let my plants live

lately i have nothing but sweet poems to write
and i am sorry to every teen who thinks they are in love
i am sorry we all know it will end
i am sorry time will tear you apart and you will be left in dust, thinking,
times were so good, his lips tasted like a gold mine,
and i am sorry that you will always wish instead of meeting him at 17,
you could have maybe met at 23
and instead of drifting apart because society tells you to
you grow into lives together
(because you can take them with you at 23)
(at 17 you just pack your bags)
I am sorry we are so pessimistic and reasonable
trying to be adults, trying to be mature
when all we want to do is realize that love doesn't have to end
just because it's supposed to
and despite popular belief and majority rules,
not everything has to have a bad ending
or an ending at all

I am a series of problems,  you see.

I am that annoying song stuck in your head, the reason you can't get to sleep. I am the creepy girl in some horror movie that you swear you keep seeing around town, and the notification you got a little too late. I'm the embarrassing email you just sent, the one simple word you misspelled on an otherwise perfect paper, I am the stain you didn't know you had on the shirt you got two weeks ago. I am your work that nobody else seems to appreciate, and I am the voice in your head telling you that you are not good enough. I'm the grammar problem spell checks don't pick up on, I am the big piece of cake you promised yourself you wouldn't eat, but ate anyway. I am the ****** you won't pick in public and the moment your favorite cousin opens the birthday present you got her just to be very disappointed at what's inside. I am the thunder your dog is afraid of, the bikini you're too insecure to wear, the frizz of frizzy hair, I am the pair of jeans you had when you were younger that you wish your mom never gave away. I am your lost pair of favorite socks, a cavity, a weight gain.

I am your disaster, aren't I?

God, my ankles hurt,
my head,
my legs,
but you know what doesn't?
My heart.

Thanks for that.

i'm hoping i look okay from behind
hoping your hands like intertwining with mine
i hope you genuinely prefer having me around
hope you remember me fondly a few years from now

light me like a cigarette
snap me like a bone
I have never been anything but selfish,
so why aren't you
using me
using me
using me
for yourself.

getting trapped in your time zone
never sure of how tired you feel
all the way on the opposite coast
but I guess you don't need to know
they'll tell you you don't need to know
"at least not right now," they'll say, "you don't need to know."
but occasionally
you worry
you'll never know