i think you'll get over it fast
i think you're already getting over it
and i think you'll never look at our photos again to reflect once you're done with me
you know, you give me reasons to be insecure,
it's not just my mind betraying me
you feed it.

sigh
but it's okay

I often daydream of peeling off my own flesh
to let my muscles breathe

or sometimes of slitting my wrists
to let myself be mean to me
to bleed on forever,
until my hair is as long as this day has felt

and occasionally (maybe more than I'll admit)
I daydream of holding a new hand

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND IN LOVE:

-love is good and kind and permanent. love is your mother clothes-lining you when she hits the brakes too hard, it is your dog greeting you at the door when you come home
-in love is temporary and powerful and like ******* lightning. in love is a teenage boy with blue eyes that life will force you away from, but **** his bed sure was comfy, and so were his arms and his words.

people **** and die over both

I think I could start smoking and start dying
and stop caring and keep crying.

**** my skin,
tear
tear
tear it apart
with my anxious nails and teeth
and razor blades
I am my own brain surgeon
constantly picking
trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

I want you to take me into the woods again
mix my flesh with bark
and I can go home
****** with leaves in my hair
because sometimes there is no point in being good.
What is good, anyway?

Sometimes life goes by slowly
but sometimes when the music is playing and the car is parked
and the rain is bouncing off the windshield
giving us a background hum that reminds us that we're on planet earth
(so I don't drift too far into the air)
sometimes life goes by fast
and there isn't enough time to get in all of the things I'd like to say
(I also don't know how to say them)
and you gently press me against the passenger seat
and even though time stands still in these moments,
sometimes life goes by fast.

Keep me in your back pocket
just in case you figure yourself out enough
to let someone new in

(maybe I'll take my own advice)

counting down every inhale until you make me gasp again
waiting with every sigh
deep relief will come with patience
self-reliant but acknowledging that relief feels easiest in between your limbs
puzzle pieces tied together as puppets
dancing under bed sheets
or on rocks, or picnic tables, or carpet

i don't even remember you, but when i was 17, i thought i'd remember you forever
thought i might know you forever
...
remember being that young
and having that naive buzz of finding out a boy thought you were cool too?
i don't believe in forever anymore
but it doesn't matter,
no one has that long

twisting my ears to try to open up my brain
it's like the sound of waves against rocks
bashing fists against skulls
i miss you already but i'll always take the pain over forgetting

when i'm next to you in your bed and i'm not even tired
it's usually no problem getting to sleep
when i'm ******* exhausted on my couch by myself,
i toss and turn for hours

this is *******

I can be an idiot,
Quick with emotion letting it trickle out of my mouth before i can think of how it might make you feel
Tonight I don't feel much and I don't know how to tell you it's not your fault
I think a lot and my chest has been hurting and sometimes I can't help but think you might be better off

Sometimes I try to believe in God
mainly because you want me to
because you don't want to have to believe that I am going to Hell.

But babe,
I hope you like seeing me burn
and I hope you tell all the angels
that you were once in love with that ******* fire.

I want your lips to tremble as I look you in the eye
and hook my fingers in your belt loops.
Lick my lips,
I am a big meal to take in,
and being a bad influence takes a lot of work, you know.

i wrote a poem about concrete and how i step on every crack in the sidewalk like walking a tightrope,
the same way i trace my fingers down your spine
(I want to touch each vertebrae at a time)
at 12:30 I saw shadows in my room,
at 2:04 I thought I should have kissed you longer,
told you "I love you" a thousand more times

at 2:30 I was still thinking about your shoulder blades

i am ******* rotten
and lethal
and black flows in and out of my heart
and everything i do or say is painfully awkward

please don't walk away

being 18 will not last
and i know relationships hardly do in this situation
(even if we want them to)
because we will "grow up" and leave
and everyone will tell us it'd be stupid to not head in opposite directions
but ******* i like heading into your arms
and
what is so wrong with that

lately i have nothing but sweet poems to write
and i am sorry to every teen who thinks they are in love
i am sorry we all know it will end
i am sorry time will tear you apart and you will be left in dust, thinking,
times were so good, his lips tasted like a gold mine,
and i am sorry that you will always wish instead of meeting him at 17,
you could have maybe met at 23
and instead of drifting apart because society tells you to
you grow into lives together
(because you can take them with you at 23)
(at 17 you just pack your bags)
I am sorry we are so pessimistic and reasonable
trying to be adults, trying to be mature
when all we want to do is realize that love doesn't have to end
just because it's supposed to
and despite popular belief and majority rules,
not everything has to have a bad ending
or an ending at all

i wish i never happened,
i wish i was never born

lick your lips and kiss my neck
run your hand down my bare back
look me in the eyes please please please
and then just hold me as I try to sleep

Be real and let me tell you that you're who I wake up wanting to see
-
You're who I want to joke with and explore with and listen to music with and have tons of *** with
You're who I think of when I am singing in the shower

just ******* kick me in the shins,
wrench your fist into my rib cage,
don't quit pulling apart my lungs so I can't breathe.
life is a ******* game,
i'm being played

my dad sighs and walks up the stairs
and i don't have many secrets,
but writing things down feels like one.
telling you i don't just want to see the grand canyon,
i want to see you there,
that feels like a secret.

i used to use index cards as book marks so i could neatly write down my favorite quotes/lines from the pages and sometimes i wish i took more pictures so i could do that with moments.
sometimes things last, but sometimes things aren't supposed to,
and i think i'd like to have a few pictures of what time won't let me take with me
(i should take more pictures of the people that make me smile, just in case)

-go to sleep
-learn to like hanging out with yourself
-try your best to never let anyone you love ever doubt that you love them
-do not expect anything from anyone, do not rely on people. It is healthy and natural to let your guard down and occasionally take a hand, but when no one really offers you their palm, do not be shocked or hurt. You do not need to hold a hand.
-get over the fact that you really just want to hold his hand

i don't like the game where we all pretend we can figure each other out
(we can get pretty close)
but stop predicting my future -
if i wanted my ******* palm reading,
i'd have put my palm against yours and held your hand

can't wait to sleep in your ***** pajama bottoms again
and wear the sweatshirt you left at my house even though the zipper is broken
i am constantly trying to surround myself with things that remind me of you
and i'm not sure what this means
but i don't want to think about the future anymore

I deserve to have my heart broken
and I found the perfect boy to do it
(I think he could tear my heart apart)
(I know i'll never be ready for it)

when we went to the county fair
you felt ill after a ride
and as we walked from the blinking lights
and screaming kids
you told me, next to our buddies,
how much you liked listening to me on that ride
the noises i made at every unexpected toss and turn
not really screams, but...
"i just like your company."
-the simplest things you say and do
-make me the wildest for you

//my feet smell
//my head hurts
//i wish i was with you

I wish you wrote about me
it's selfish, it always is
-i think i'll always be the one splaying it out
mapping down all of my emotions
matching them with my fingerprints on your bare back
pretending you feel them,
that they sink through my skin, soak into yours
so i can let go a little bit
but i've got a tight ******* grip.
-I wish you wrote about me sometimes
I wish you'd splay it all out,
spread your fingers on my belly
leave your prints
so i could soak something in.
it's selfish, it always is.

I'm not afraid of the future
I'm terrified.

whenever i say, "boys ****"
i can't keep a straight face
because I know a boy and I don't think he ***** at all
but sometimes that's sucky-
wish I hated him-
(it'd be easier on my heart, in the end)

anyway, i've never cared about the easier thing

you never told me the truth you never told me that i was toxic to the touch you never said that every time you ran your hand through my hair it tangled your mind up until all you could think was static
the kind of static that hums,
you could call it beautiful,
but only if you're ******* crazy
--
i think i'd like plants on my bedstand because then when i'm sleeping, maybe my mind will travel into the flowers maybe my thoughts will grow into something worth writing down

maybe sometimes i wish you'd stab me in the arms and legs,
stab me so it hurts,
stab me in the eyes so i can no longer see the ******* color of yours
(they make me crazy, anyway)

this is called, insecurity
this is called, you're ******* perfect and i wish you'd see it
this is called, i like you
i really like you

My sadness is not the type I'd like to get noticed for - I don't need help or comfort, it is not out of my control. I just need to bury myself under blankets sometimes because the weight of the world seems to push my shoulders down over my heart and it pushes tears out of my eyes, but I can never explain how or why, and I can never tell when.
And every time i'm held me and asked, "Why? Why are you sad?" I never have an answer because
I
don't
know
why.

I wish I'd start smoking cigarettes and giving up.
I'd cross my legs, ash tray on table,
and
sometimes
i miss my friends
and sometimes i miss the ones i still have

The moon is almost full
I am still on my first cigarette and I've got all night to use my brain
Right now let me just inhale and think with my heart

but look at the trees through my kaleidoscope eyes
(because my glasses are off and everything is blurry)
(for the first time blurry looks beautiful)
and the leaves all mix together with the sky
so I am left to wonder if this is even real life
(it can't be, this is so perfect)
and I can feel you looking at me
back and forth with the branches and my smile
(i smile so often with you)
the thunder doesn't even scare me
and I don't worry about the bug bites or the dirt or sticks stuck in my hair
and I don't worry later, either,
when I am in the back of your car
and the lightning is so close to us
(because how perfect would it be
to get struck by lightning with you
when all i feel every time you touch me is
electrifying)

Charred man with no eye-lids
Leaning over the end of my bed
(he stares at me when I try to sleep)
(so now I try not to)
because I don't want his fingers up my leg
or his other hand around my neck
and I don't want to become ash
Before I even get to live

this weekend already feels so long because i won't see you friday or saturday
(i don't know why time changes when you're not around)
but I just wanted to let you know that i wrote some things for you in my journal that i think you should read sunday, if i see you then.
they're good things, of course, a little random and sloppy,
a little self-critiquing (sometimes i think i am too serious)
and it's 4:28am and I might be a little delirious
but i am really excited to be 18 and in love with you.
I'm going to let myself believe you, even when I am insecure
and I'm going to be less afraid to tell you how handsome you look all the time.
So if I see you Sunday...i'll probably be a little hesitant to open up the journal you gave me, but don't let me be embarrassed. I'm not sure how much you really care about reading what's in there (i don't blame you if you don't), but I trust you
4:34am
this weekend already feels sooo long because i won't see you

1.  All I can see are headlights and all I can think of are your eyes

2. We just pulled to the side of the highway to let a guy *** in the trees

3. Will this night ever end, will I ever see you again, will I die here and let my last kiss be under a stairway in a building we call 'hell'? Will I make it through this trip, what if I don't

4. Hey I am still just as crazy about you even over all these state lines

My teeth aren't falling out tonight
but the stitches in my thighs are
and I'm not sure how long I can hold myself up
without a reason to.

I pretend I am in a room full of boys again
sitting quietly in a corner
bottles being thrown above my head
and smashed against the walls
and I've never looked so lonely
but really, I've never been more alive

then someone grabs my hand and pulls me up and my night truly begins once we make eye contact

Cracking every finger
Every bone
Pinching every free inch of skin
I never sit still
I would be hungry if I wasn't so ******* thirsty for your touch

i'm sorry i'm not prettier
mechanically rubbing my eyes to say goodbye to the day
(today's thoughts, please leave me alone tomorrow)

but never ever think that I can't take care of myself
because I don't need any ******* help
from anyone
ever.
And trust me,
you may have known me then
but every part of me has changed

i hear a ghost train
and i am paranoid of the past, sometimes
that it will haunt you and i and everyone

but right now i'm not thinking too far back
only far enough to think of a picnic table
where we sat and watched the sun shine through the trees
but after a while, i ended up instead admiring your eyes
(and your lips)
(and your smile)

i wish i'd get punched in the face
because
1. I deserve it
and 2. it'd be nice to feel so bruised but have it physically show.
the gross yellows and deep purples would be visible and undeniable
and there is a lot more wrong in me than the wrong i pinned on you today.
your love is valid
and this is so much fun
and i am a really really big *******
and a fool for even thinking i deserve your love or attention,
i feel like such an idiot
and i can't stop thinking

i know i deserve to be loved
i know that i am loved
((why do i ask for reassurance))
(am i really that selfish)

Pinching at my extra skin
(Scratch it for me, I'll moan)
What are your intentions now?
How do I figure them out?
Do I want to know

my flowers never bloom
maybe they never will
but you're the one who told me to chill
when your hands were freezing and up my skirt.
you whispered in my ear and I froze
just like you planned
just as you hoped for
and then you had your way with my blue lips
and now my tights are ripped the way i like them
(but ripped in all the wrong places)

i'm 22 and it's been about a week since my last cig
(now i have a juul, the most responsible way to manage my buzz i guess)
i am too busy to write, read, call my mom sometimes, i can't go home to visit because i've run out of time
i'm not sure when i'll make it to the grocery store, or
when i'll sleep because i'm busy trying to fit in time to rest.
i hope it's worth it
but i think i convince myself that most things are