trying to pick apart the bones in my hand
snap off each finger tip
hang them on strings from the ceiling
i hope you keep yourself warm next winter and i hope you'll wonder if i sleep with enough blankets
i don't mind sharing blankets with you

Whether you want to continue to grow together
or you'd rather grow apart,
just let me know
when you know
but don't give me false hope
and we can just enjoy the summer before the winter hits
if that's all you want

and you told me it was killing you,
it had been killing you
to stand next to me all day
and not even get to touch my lips
so you sat in my passenger seat after we dropped everyone else off at their doors and asked me not to take you home yet.
"Please," you said
and how could I ever resist

i thought by now i'd be skinnier
thought i'd approach the new circle of sun a little less stressed
i thought i might have stopped smoking cigarettes

skin loose and hanging off each limb
i'll pull it to one side,
(try to give you the better angle)
i think its amazing that i can forget all of that,
naked under bed sheets
this boy grabbing my thighs and i only think for a split second, "i wish they were smaller," and then the thought disappears and i don't feel like i take up too much space as he kisses my stomach.
i want to give myself the credit of confidence but i think it's just comfort
and at least that is something
even if it's seemingly only there in the soft presence of a smile

sometimes i write about the same thing
over and over and over and ov-
I don't know why
and sometimes I yell it all in my mind and it doesn't stop until i cry
and sometimes I go to the studio and forget about everything
except pointing my feet
but I know there's no future in that because my feet don't point far enough
and I can't yell loud enough for it to stop
and throwing my body around a stage only makes me forget for the length of the song
and what if one day i can't stand to remember
or what if one day all i want to do is remember
i could get too far lost in it all
or get lost in it while trying to grasp onto the edge

binge eating at 12am and wanting to die is my new ******* routine
(but I don't want to die
I just want to disappear for a little while
Lay down outside and chain smoke
empty out,
come back to start new)

my god the way you slur your words when drunk
"i wish i wasn't drunk," you said, and i know why you said it,
i know why, but i asked, "why?" and you shrugged.
i kept calling you cute (i couldn't help it)
and then you pulled me into the back room, saying "let's dance"

i'll stop expecting much
i won't ask too many questions
i'll just trace your lips with my fingertips
and work for the attention
>>let's just have fun<<

i daydream of last summer
or this weekend
sitting in your arms
or resting my head on your legs when i can't make myself sit straight
(you stopped the truck to park before you took me home)
tell me straight up

i know you're not talking about me
i know you're not talking about me

I'm going to mess up
I'm going to mess up
I'm going to mess up
I want to stay on this stage forever.

tired of thinking these self-destructive words can be beautiful
poems are too often about how you'd put almost anyone ahead of yourself
how they can heat you up quicker than the oven your mom used to cook dinner in
how their eyes alone could give you a rush that makes you wild
(they do this to us, and we assume we can't live up,
but your eyes make someone wild, too
sometimes write about you)

I'm sorry you're so clinically sad
and I'm sorry I don't know what you're thinking
I'm sorry I keep apologizing for things that aren't my fault
but I wish I could help you (in some way, any way)
I wish you would let me

Hands a little shaky
I'll drink water and rest.
I'm not sure I deserve it
But I'm obsessed with shaky hands outlining a jaw bone.
And my hands steady as I stare off in space daydreaming alone in my car, smoking
wondering if you're going to have a moment thinking of sitting next to me somewhere by water today.
I'll float out there next time
Body light in the middle of a lake
Hands still, resting on my stomach
Swim back to shore and hands explore in the dark for my ******* mixed in with a pile of both of our clothes

I've been told that the stars will be falling tonight
but nobody taught me how to catch one.

fingernails are pretty evident on black t-shirts,
clippings from my teeth that prove they might be right when they say I always look nervous
I forgot people might see how anxious I feel.
I thought I looked intimidating

I feel like I've changed so much in the past two months,
now I'm constantly changing
(it's okay to change)
(right?)
now i let myself have nightmares
and somehow I've lost some friends and gained some new ones
and somehow
I'm letting you in
but not even I know what you're getting into

i am planned out,
and our time is strategically placed in increments,
you'll point out the ******* hours.
carefully calculated so you can tell me we hung out enough
(you counted)

i appreciate having your hand to hold when
there are needles in my neck,
when time moves in ways i can't comprehend,
when the floor is slanted and my eyes are half-closed,
when my mind is at all even a little out of control...

i know my writing is going down the drain
(i write too much, i write too often)
but **** I HAVE TO WRITE DOWN HOW MUCH I LIKE
running my fingers down your bare back in the seat of my car
resting my head on your chest and feeling your breath
I have to write down how moments with you feel wonderful
and...better.
it's all basic, it's all general
i'm not relating your eyes to the moon
because when the moon is right above us and we could look up and see it
I'd still rather look into your eyes sometimes.

I don't always have flow, no rhythm, no new metaphors
but every night you smile is ******* magical
(no new words)
and i just feel like i need to type it out

so yeah my writing is ****, it always will be,
but tonight I am glad
that my order of words may not be pretty,
but I get to write about something beautiful
(your lips wanting to be on mine)

never be empty enough
am i human for my faults or becoming less of one

sometimes i think i'm telling a joke
and then i think about it for too long
and realize again how quickly time can pass
and how easily people change and forget each other
and how (speaking of easy) it is way too easy to remember that life is pointless
so sometimes maybe when i'm trying to tell a joke
I am actually trying to distract myself
and find a point in flashing teeth
(mainly my own)

but the way my face feels when you look at it
is very
very different
than the way it feels when I look at it.

just wondering if maybe i could be the small gust of wind that blows through your hair one day when you're happy

i know i don't know the right things to say
i'm sorry for trying
you're the one who always somehow spits the right thing out at the right time
i'm the one stuttering and babbling in the corner with my hands on my head
clock ticking on my tongue
counting down time bombs
for when the wrong words will erupt out of me
(an explosion, even though it's a whisper)

I NEVER WANTED TO BE A GIRL WHO COULD ONLY WRITE LOVE POEMS
i only write of loving you or hating me, it seems

you've led me to believe that i can count on you
to mean what you say-
every "i love you" I've learned not to doubt.
so i'm sorry that last night and today
the little things you said but didn't mean
made me worry about the big things you say but tell me to believe

I'm such a ******* idiOT
I want to be nothing
I want to be bone
I'm ******* tired, but
the clock is ticking so fast

no , i get it
i could pick up smoking
it's stupid, but it sure is romanticized
and with the nights i've been having lately,
what's a little more tar in my lungs going to hurt?

most of my feelings are pointless insecurities that i'd be better off shaking out
BUT REMINDER:
AT LEAST I AM FEELING

wish I'd paint my entire face pink so you'd never see me blush
(or always see me blush)
wish I could tell you what I really want

it's so nice to move and glide and jump
and forget about everything but my own ******* body

who wants to come over and suffocate me in my sleep tonight
i am tired of being a person
sometimes all i want is to drown and sometimes it is my biggest fear

I still don't know what's most important to me
still don't know where I want to go or end up
I still don't know how I'll have fun
and I occasionally worry about it
but I'm hoping maybe one day I'll know exactly what I want
(the whole thought process is so cliche)

for now I'll just get dressed and take pictures and kiss

Mom, i think i'm starting to like this boy
I'm afraid and ugh, ****, mom what the hell??
I didn't realize that life would be this cycle of careful steps people take, walking on shards of ******* glass
because if you're not too careful
you are going to get hurt.
I used to be so bold without question
I was fearless about feeling
today, I have never been so scared
me, to my mom, whispering:
(but i'll be bold anyway, okay? i still prefer all the fuss of butterflies with someone)

been thinking more about cigarettes
cigars, really (false sense of health)
gotta have something to do with my hands
but its an interesting thought, pointless.
sticky-scented, rearranged, row of wicks
bags pulling my top lids
reaching out my hands to the chipped paint on the ceiling
fingers ache
bellies too
5am ready for bed but aching aching aching

too afraid to say the words i've planned out in my head
and rolled over my tongue
but too afraid to open my ******* mouth

I found the perfect life partner and to my surprise, I've only written a few sappy cringe love poems about him because I get to live the love poem out loud every day of my life
It's almost been 4 years of loving this man,
and from day one, I've never been more sure about anything:
this is the purest, best love that is so good I thought it was only fake
until I found it.
there is no perfect set of words
just a crawling smile on my face every time I think of his name.
to love so nicely, and to be loved so incredibly in return is life's greatest wonder
how did I find this love that comes with no complications?
"how?" every day, but it's a question you shake off because you don't need to ponder it for too long, before you know it you're just 3 hours into a new conversation, legs touching while sitting on the couch, a glance over while you work next to each other separately, head thrown back in laughter as you share a bath in the tub, running errands together happily getting ketchup for your fridge, holding hands as you wait in line at the doctor, playing with his hair as he rests and he smiles in his sleep, just constantly in wonder, in awe, in love

It's so bright out
and I walk down the street dressed in black on black on black

sometimes i explain things to people i shouldn't talk to,
-like how sometimes my mind lags
and my vision and breathing go with it
and it is difficult to think of reality-
and then i remember who i'm talking to
(remember it's not you)
and the look on their faces makes me laugh.
their stare makes me think maybe i am crazy,
i like talking to you because you are real
and you don't make me feel crazy,
even when i might sound crazy

your "i'm really happy"
makes me
******* ecstatic

-I hope you know how often I want you around.

-Let me stay a little longer.

-I'm so happy you came, you're here, I'm so happy when you are.

-I like you so much I often think it must be love (but I don't care what the feeling is called).

stop pretending
you can't fake a black veil that weighs down shoulders
and grips the heart
I'm sorry I don't know who I am anymore
but that shouldn't change who you are

i can't stop thinking about
how lucky i am
to get to hold your hand
for now

i'd like to delete everything i've ever written
exchange it for something more poetic,
like a code he'll never figure out, but keeps trying to
like a picture of a lighter being held close to my wrist
but we all know i can't bring myself to let flame touch skin
like a wish
that i'd never learned to write or think or feel
in the first place

Stuck in a state of sighing,
but ironically stuck in the same state as always
I hope to see the trees change color outside my room
and I'm not afraid of being away like I'm supposed to.
I don't know where to go here,
I don't know of any trails
But I'll find them

I'm not sure I ever loved him
I loved who I thought he was
I loved the idea of love
I loved the comfort
but it couldn't have been love
because his eyes never made me feel the way
yours do

(love is terrifying, not comfortable. love is tender and soft but horrifying)
(love is knowing this will hurt but convincing yourself it is worth it)

love is when you whisper in my ear something like, "I'm just trying to explain how much I like you. I like you sooo much. I could live with you. I just want to kiss you and talk with you and just lay with you if you don't feel like talking, I want to adventure with you. I just....I don't know."

Maybe love isn't real, and who cares
your "I don't know" is enough for me

I don't know either

don't worry about me, it's not your job to
don't worry about the way I sleep
or the way I keep
my sanity.
I know a few people who care more about me than I care about myself

why am i here
why are any of us here
why do we assume there's a reason at all
to ponder and tear our hair out over?

why do i feel like the world closes in sometimes and whispers in my ear,
"you're making the wrong choices
you're doing all the wrong things
you're heading the wrong way"

oh my god
my time is running out and I don't know which turn to make
THE LIGHT IS GREEN
THE LIGHT IS GREEN
BUT I WON'T STEP OFF THE BRAKES
BECAUSE WHERE THE HELL DO I GO

I SHOULD HAVE INVITED YOU IN

sometimes things flip,
like my stomach
or my nerves
or the tone of your voice