it's okay
lately i try to stretch out my eyes, thinking maybe if they roll back into my head enough times i'll stop daydreaming nightmares
and it hasn't been so bad lately.
today i only dreamed of climbing trees and bee stings
and your eyes after they stopped looking at me

even my insecurities take up a mere fraction of my mind
when i'm still so focused on your smile and bedroom and small wave, telling me to move closer

i don't have much room to dwell on my bad thoughts for too long

regardless, it's too late, i'm not taking care of myself,
and i'm really glad you still like me enough
to hug me tightly when i need it

but i have always been and will always be a girl who doesn't like to need very much

focus on yourself
focus on yourself
focus on yourself
because no one else will focus on you as long as you hoped

i thought i'd have more to write about this
but i've got nothing
this whole summer i've been nothing

if anything makes it to autumn,
please let my plants live

I have always been mediocre at best
but you never make me feel that way.

Around 1300 calories today (1305, I don't need to guess)
Burnt a hole in my best leggings with accidental ash
(I'd let you put your cig out on my arm)
(If you came to visit)

i'd like to start an adventure
to start a time in my life
where i stop caring and thinking
and start moving and going
and telling you what i mean

yeah, the ocean will be there tomorrow,
but we know our sunken chests and fluttering hearts
might not make it in time for the view

who killed himself
but nobody will tell me how,
and I'm too afraid to ask
because what if it wasn't an accident
and what if,
one day,
I know another boy.

third degree harvesting and dreaming of things that will never happen
stuck in skin-tight suffocating thighs
closing with sighs, opening up for this guy
..life is redundant,
but it doesn't have to be

don't worry about me in thunderstorms
i've learned to inhale the lightning
to gasp-in every raindrop that falls
to clasp each clap of thunder in the palm of my hand
i've learned to put my head to your chest
when i am having a nightmare.

I know it's hard, sometimes
to keep yourself in sight
but don't go blurry
do not go dull
remember that you are vibrant, after all.

wait until your eyes hurt
you keep running your tongue over your teeth
you think 'everything is fine, or at least it will be'
and even though you still daydream
no one wants to hear about it, molly.
daydream to yourself-
go talk with someone else
(she closed the door between us and smiled at her dog,
I was mid-sentence, but I stopped)

I'm eating like a normal human being
To fuel myself
Treating myself well
I deserve it, I know
But it's making me panic

You are so ******* predictable
And I have cracked my skull open too many times slamming my head off of desks trying to figure it out
But I knew it all along
EVERYTHING IS PREDICTABLE
AND TONIGHT I RHINK IM SICK IN THE HEAD
DONT ******* my godddddd
Get me out of here

maybe i can't control the tone of your voice
but i can control the amount of flesh on my bones
and i can control when the earth swallows me whole

i don't think i know who i am anymore.
i know what i do
stuff i like
but *******
i s  t h i s  m y  b o d y ?
my fingers are just some girl's fingers
my brain just a brain
forcing me through the actions.
where'd my mind go?
am i finally boring?
does boring mean i can rest in peace,
or is this the beginning of a long cycle of discovery where I go back and forth of growing out of myself and fitting back into my skin ?

It's 4am and I am hungry but ignoring it
I am failing but ignoring it
I have put my dreams into the back pocket of jeans that are a little too big for me now
because things have changed
(me especially)

It's 4am and I am not sure I care if I fail or succeed
what would make me a failure, anyway
and whose terms am I living on?

today was good until i ruined it
so let's pack a bowl and take another hit
because i've got so much to do
but all i want to do is you
-
i want the walls to start moving and the furniture
to rearrange
maybe i'll move with them
get up get going get out of this place
(it's all a ******* joke, anyway)

but i don't even mind all the time
because I have always been laughing along

you
make
me
  c
    r
a
    z
y

and the way you say my name
makes my heart

                                 stop

and

d
r
o
p

and

r            l  
       o           l

random things start beeping in my home so every time i almost drift to sleep, i am reawakened by bomb countdowns and the thought that maybe I don't believe you and maybe that's okay
also my dog is laying next to me and staring up the stairs because he is too tired to walk up them
and tomorrow morning i will also be too tired to climb stairs but i will pretend i am strong
because i am expected to be

Truth is,
I'll say I want to lose weight so I'll eat less tomorrow
But I spent all day today feeling especially more bloated than usual after eating half of lunch, and the rest of the day I felt full.
So now I'm laying in bed at 1:43am and my stomach hurts and it's grumbling? Maybe digesting? Maybe I'm hungry and I can never decide if going to bed hungry is a success or a failure in my mind currently
But I know what it should be

god the way you say my name
(or anything)
is the reason i feel compelled to write the way it makes me feel

if i don't write it down
what if i don't remember it
(holy **** i'll remember it)

6 months ago you made me a playlist and sent me the link
and you told me to tell you when i pressed play
so you could press play at the same time
and we could listen to it together
and talk about what we're hearing at the same time

one of my favorite things to do is listen with you

you don't walk all over me
but I lay myself out like a carpet at your feet,
I spread out right in front of you,
right in your path,
right where you're headed
and maybe sometimes
occasionally
you'll step on the corner

We look to the sky
the moon almost as high as we feel
make-up smeared and bodies exhausted.
Smiling, I lean against a brick wall
and we laugh because we've just danced our show
we've just danced through life
we just breathe in the air outside the theater
our theater
our world.

rethinking of all the water in my lungs
(when i drowned or when i wasn't sober enough to know the difference)
i tried to inhale
coughing out half-words, choking on sentences.
if i concentrated, breathing didn't seem so hard,
but then i'd concentrate too much on the pins poking into my eyes
and squinting didn't help this time
were my glasses even on-
i pretended to listen to my brother but instead i was listening to you and you weren't even there
and that's ****** because one day you really
won't even
be there
so when my hands are grabbing at my collar bone
no one will tell me not to worry, it's just a panic attack,
all anyone else ever says is,
"sorry. don't think about it"

i know i always talk about my shaky vision
but tonight i am still seeing things out of the corner of my eye
(i wish you were in my peripheral instead)
(wish i could rest into your shoulder and sleep for days)

hard to think about my future
when i can't tell if i care about it

in a weird spot today
2am staring at walls
shaky fingers
and since every poem turns into a love poem,
i want you to want to impress me still
i want to rest my hand on your cheek and close my eyes and be in my most comfortable place

Every time I think of making decisions,
I try very hard to think
What would I choose if there was no you?
Where would I go if I was alone?
But
sometimes I truly believe you could push me to go so much farther than I ever thought I'd reach
And working together doesn't scare me

Don't worry about me
When I write,
I usually just need sleep

4am, why am i so angry?
the usual mistake of thinking i want to die when in reality i just want to curl up and stick my head into his rib cage,
blink with his beating heart,
rest for a while and come back ready
to take on each day,
a little extra protection

i'm getting a headache from exhaustion (?)
come kiss me
come kiss me
come kiss me
i miss you already
i think i miss you the most
your touch the most familiar
your smile the one i longed to smile with since all my teeth grew in

dreaming of finding an empty pool one day
and i'll watch boys skate in it, my feet dangling over the edge
and i'll squeal like a ***** when they all convince me to try dropping in myself
and at night maybe we'll all have sleeping bags on the bottom
12 ft deeper underground
looking at stars
(if no one else was around, you'd **** my brains out)

it doesn't matter
i just want to matter to you

"*******," I told the reflection,
"all you ever write are ****** love poems about stupid boys or stupid ways you'd love to hurt yourself."

i just don't feel at home at my house-
i'm sorry mom, it's not your fault-
I just don't think I'm the type who feels like i fit
outside of the people i've been surrounding myself with
my friends are a family, too, you know?
and that's where i feel like
it feels like home

Every time I feel nothing I wish I felt anything at all
Tonight I feel longing and loneliness
And i take it back
Anything but the beginning of another broken love poem
I wanted to hate everyone else and take time to try to be content with myself
But every time I see an insect I think of ******* on a park bench
Leaves stuck to my back
I wish I felt nothing
I was getting used to (content with myself alone wanting bones)
I still want my bones to show harder
Paper skin
But I like the friction another flesh outline provides.
I hate that I ever want anything

I wasn't going to write about you
but then I thought of your lips and smile
I thought of your infectious laugh
and your scent that I can't get out of my clothes
(I'm glad it won't go)
I thought of the back of your neck and the base of your hairline
and your electric blue eyes-
I wasn't going to write about you
but I tend to write about scary things

time is weird because i can't remember what it looked like to look at the first boy i kissed
time is weird because i can't remember feeling his arms
time is weird because it doesn't matter now

i was going to get up and brush my teeth
and wash my face
and shut off the lights
so i could go to bed
but i am stuck in my spot
and i don't want to move
and i don't want to stop listening to this song
and i don't want to go to sleep
because i don't want to stop thinking tonight...

I haven't felt like writing much, lately
I haven't felt like a lot of things I used to
I haven't felt

maybe one day i'll pick up smoking
but i don't like the idea of getting hooked on something to the point of dependency
which is pretty ******* funny because
i got hooked on you pretty quickly
and i bet trying to quit
will do more damage to me than a ******* cigarette ever could

I try to read my own mind sometimes,
but it never really works itself out
so I end up writing it down and leaving it undecipherable.
...But I'd like to walk on coals, I think
placed onto your chiseled chest above your heart
and I will dance for you there
and you can remember me as that weird girl you were in love with once,
and in the future,
you'll smile at my name
because you'll be laughing at me.

I think I'm too empty to properly deal with this heartbreak
i'll take it for now because I'm sure a lack of feeling helps
(it's 4:17am, i feel nothing)
just heaviness behind my eyes, weight on my shoulders
I should lose a few pounds,
feel lighter
feel anything

"MAYBE" IS THE ONLY CONSTANT WORD IN MY VOCABULARY
AND I ******* HATE THE WORD MAYBE
WHY CAN'T I SAY YES
OR NO
OR *******
"DEFINITELY"

I am constantly making more out of little things,
like last night when you took me into the other room
and we laid on the floor in the dark - you bit my lip
and said it helped you feel normal again...
I am still thinking of it,
of the look you gave me on the couch
while I took my glasses off to wipe the lenses
I SWEAR EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM DISAPPEARED
I swear you must have been feeling the same, you must have,
I am still thinking of it,
of the way you wrap your arms around my waist,
of every time you grab my hand,
of every little strand of hair that you twirl around your finger,
I am still thinking of it.
You must have been feeling the same,
you must have

sometimes i bite my tongue
because i still haven't told you i love you
and maybe i never will
and i will always regret it

do you feel the same,
were you biting your tongue too?
you must have been,
you must have

right?

His purple lips greeted mine in a dream, once
His pale hands pull me from the air, so my feet land firmly in the grass next to my grave.
The white dress I wear blows up against my skin,
I can feel
but I am not alive
If I could blush, I would.

slowly swallowing
throwing out the rest
my good days end in quiet protest
mind against heart
heart beating my ribs
I never quite figured out how to blend in

but I can live happily on the outside of the lines
with you

Failed flesh and bone
Way more than id like to be
I'm getting less than 4 hours of sleep tonight and I want 3 more cigarettes but I don't have the energy to hold them up to my lips
I think I am empty again
Glazed off from all of it
Craving