comfort in his limbs, or simply in his presence.
i just crave slowly inching my fingers up his arm
wiping his shoulder with my thumb
resting my heavy head on the pillow and my forehead against his bicep
why can't i take care of myself when i am alone
why am i treating my life as if it is on pause
i gave away my last pack of cigarettes but i should have saved them for emergency nights when the vape just isn't cutting it and feeling 23 sinks in with baggy eyes.
my stomach is so full, i have a headache and this incessant whining makes me want to scratch at my skin until it peels off.
earlier this evening (back when it was evening and not 4am) there was a spider crawling in my bed
and i yelled for my brother, who luckily liked me enough in the moment to come in and pick up the daddy long leg and take it outside.
I wonder, at 23, how i would live by myself.
i wonder if i'll feel closer to my parents once i move out
i wonder if i'll ever feel satisfied with my existence - but isn't that a bad thing? doesn't that mean giving up? is success a failure in this way..
when does the achievement of a dream leave you dreamless
isnt it strange how many lives we enter
then leave, just to pretend it never happened.
i miss so many people in different ways,
and i miss who i was with them
how different and how much growing i didnt know was coming.
isnt it cool to see the timeline
it scares me, too
i thought letting go would be a release
i thought people lived, learned, then moved on in a way that allowed them to not miss their old lives
because the new ones are better, older, more mature
but what if growing up is just collecting dusty memories
i guess it is all about remembering the good things
i just dont know who i am - only what i've been
i'm sorry i'm not prettier
mechanically rubbing my eyes to say goodbye to the day
(today's thoughts, please leave me alone tomorrow)
i'm 22 and it's been about a week since my last cig
(now i have a juul, the most responsible way to manage my buzz i guess)
i am too busy to write, read, call my mom sometimes, i can't go home to visit because i've run out of time
i'm not sure when i'll make it to the grocery store, or
when i'll sleep because i'm busy trying to fit in time to rest.
i hope it's worth it
but i think i convince myself that most things are
i thought by now i'd be skinnier
thought i'd approach the new circle of sun a little less stressed
i thought i might have stopped smoking cigarettes
sometimes i am 17, 18, 19, 20 again
begging a boy to love me back
i'm so cynical now in every moment that i happen to forget my age
i don't beg anymore. i don't wait on anyone.
i love very hard and get loved hard back, it's something out of a daydream
i guess i just thought i'd never have to be 17, 18, 19, 20 again in my head
i thought maybe i wouldn't be empty or sad any night i am 21 and getting loved in return