sometimes i am 17, 18, 19, 20 again
begging a boy to love me back
i'm so cynical now in every moment that i happen to forget my age
21
almost 22
i don't beg anymore. i don't wait on anyone.
i love very hard and get loved hard back, it's something out of a daydream
i guess i just thought i'd never have to be 17, 18, 19, 20 again in my head
i thought maybe i wouldn't be empty or sad any night i am 21 and getting loved in return

I can be an idiot,
Quick with emotion letting it trickle out of my mouth before i can think of how it might make you feel
Tonight I don't feel much and I don't know how to tell you it's not your fault
I think a lot and my chest has been hurting and sometimes I can't help but think you might be better off

I guess yes,
Maybe I'm depressed or something.
That small level of having to do a lot and not wanting to, unable to move or hydrate or bathe,
But I'm convinced I am usually lied to and idk what I want except mostly everything and also nothing at all.
Scared because I've made a best friend with the man I love, who I hardly get to see at all and when he is busy living while I am alone 4 hours away and depressed I feel a bother
the sun is finally out but today I am going to lay in my room in the dark
Enjoying the weather for cigarette breaks but that's about it.
Get someone better bc I am lately a ******

it feels like a classic cliche
walking hand in hand through arteries
when you are gone, so is half of me
everyone should find someone who let's them say anything
With you, I am a bleeding heart ready to place myself in the palm of your hand for a tiny squeeze of life before tucking back into my rib cage
And it is not too much or dependence
And this is the love I've always wanted

i miss you
steady guitar riff in a loop
tucked behind my ear
you trace your fingers there
i fall asleep with a smile

i'm getting a headache from exhaustion (?)
come kiss me
come kiss me
come kiss me
i miss you already
i think i miss you the most
your touch the most familiar
your smile the one i longed to smile with since all my teeth grew in

full stomach, aching chest
i try again to push my fingers through the screen of my phone
(i just want to brush my fingertips against yours while we call)
i am full of desire
for conflict = love vs. lust, joy vs. death
meaning
i'm not quite sure what i want some nights,
but i always want to be next to you

love poems make me nauseous sometimes, looking back at all the past ones i wrote thinking the feeling might last
but naively, perhaps, i'll say that you feel very different  
i'm not afraid either way...
(okay. afraid of losing you, too)