should one even bother trying to be cute or nice when the pay off of such things are purely selfish ego fulfilling agendas?
If I am dainty and adorable will I feel better or will I feel just as stone cold and as unsure as always, just with a softer edge, cookie dough with kids not caring about the uncooked eggs, the warnings their mothers give them because there is absolutely no need to be cautious with cookie dough, and adorable seems the same way.
Are appearances anything but that, and if we didn't have mirrors would we actually feel better for ourselves, or wear make-up for ourselves,
not for any man, just for our own confidence and desire.
Truly, it is selfish.
I like to be pleased when looking in the mirror, and I'm not sure that I ever 100% am, but posting a cute photo of myself is hardly ever done because sometimes self indulgence on social media just feels like an inconvenience to my own true being
meaning
that
i am a fence.
and my own grass is greener where I water it

perched above water
thinking maybe the stillness in sound will ease my buzzing mind
if only my ears were filled with the deep blue
classic, cliche,
blue like your eyes or your blankets or home bedroom floor.
blue as in summer sky, hopping into the reservoir
i want to be there again
naked, with you on my 18th birthday at the top of that rock
gearing to jump.
i am so full when i am with you

all this babbling on about purpose
yeah right,
like any of us have a reason to be here/
we just exist and take up space
and do what we do
but not always well
and i just want to be good

fingernails are pretty evident on black t-shirts,
clippings from my teeth that prove they might be right when they say I always look nervous
I forgot people might see how anxious I feel.
I thought I looked intimidating

don't you ever get dizzy
letting the earth spin you in circles
I bet you're tired of the highs and lows of the tide
If only you could pull the moon a little closer,
whisper in its ear, ask it to take it a little easy on you
I'm on the beach, I come and go as I please.
Lately I've been sticking my feet in the water
and I'll try to whisper to the moon for you
but it doesn't listen to me, either.

i think i could be a cloud tonight
or climbing up the walls
fingers pulling back my eyelids.
can't wait to make love in the back of a car again,
maybe this time on our way to somewhere else

my lips are dry and i forgot chapstick and i still think of kissing you so all your ******* saliva can help moisten up these bad boys
but i'm four hours away and thats okay some weeks i just wish i had the right arms to lay in every single day
and yet i still need to shut the door when i brush me teeth in this hotel,
not because i don't like my company
but because **** for a second (at least) i need to be by myself
and i'm tired with work
but i'm kind of just sitting around all day, watching dances i don't get to dance in
wishing i got to dance, but happy to view
and i'm not sure who i am or how i represent myself
and it feels lonely
though at moments everything seems in place
but regardless, right now i'm here and still mainly thinking "**** kids, straighten your legs and point your feet and put your shoulders down and breathe"