usually unsure how you feel about me
that's okay

you've given me good memories in backseats
(we're getting good at 'being bad')
we could get into actual trouble
and i'd still do it all over again tomorrow

wondering where my veins are
parallel with consonants
wish i knew how to communicate without
darting eyes
and twitchy fingers
every vowel sound you make gets stuck on my eardrum
we echo
and i hear it every time the clock i can't find but keep hearing in my room ticks
i didn't think i had a clock
it's so loud when i'm trying to sleep

lately i've been too tired to take care of things-
i haven't been watering my cacti
and this is the perfect metaphor-
we need to water us
so we can grow again.
i know we've been down lately,
but the sun's coming out
and i know you want time for other things,
but let's chill and calm down.
there's so much time to balance out,
we'll get it right,
and i'll still have plenty of time to kiss you this summer,
maybe even on some sand.
and even a week from now will be better than today, right?
we're making it through the winter
this begins another fun part
between this moment and the questionable end,
i want to see us smile again

whenever i say, "boys ****"
i can't keep a straight face
because I know a boy and I don't think he ***** at all
but sometimes that's sucky-
wish I hated him-
(it'd be easier on my heart, in the end)

anyway, i've never cared about the easier thing

rethinking of all the water in my lungs
(when i drowned or when i wasn't sober enough to know the difference)
i tried to inhale
coughing out half-words, choking on sentences.
if i concentrated, breathing didn't seem so hard,
but then i'd concentrate too much on the pins poking into my eyes
and squinting didn't help this time
were my glasses even on-
i pretended to listen to my brother but instead i was listening to you and you weren't even there
and that's ****** because one day you really
won't even
be there
so when my hands are grabbing at my collar bone
no one will tell me not to worry, it's just a panic attack,
all anyone else ever says is,
"sorry. don't think about it"